I just hope that people see this post, that they might start spreading the news before it’s too late. Something big is coming, something ancient, something older than any of us could have ever imagined. It might be too late. I don’t know what will become of me, of the people I love that I might never see again, by the time you are reading this. But I implore you to listen and take this story seriously, because it could save your life. Or not. I don’t know yet how deep this goes. If it’s true, if what I think is true…God help us. Nothing can save us now.
I’ll start at the beginning, because you need to understand how long this has been happening, and the implications of what is possible now that it’s getting worse. Over winter break, I went to visit my friend from high school, Jackson, in Vermont. He goes to Bennington College, studies Social Sciences with a minor in Linguistics. Smart guy. He used to write my papers for me in English class, and I would pay him back in six packs. That’s always how it was: him, studious and put together, and me itching to get outside. I was constantly on the move, biking through the forests behind my house, trail-running, building a treehouse for my little brothers, you name it. I wanted to get my hands dirty, get into nature. I guess that’s why I opted out of college, and went for camp counselor positions and summer gigs until I secured a conservation job with a park near home. Nature is important to me, and I want to do my part as the generation that has a responsibility to heal the world.
The outside was what called me to Bennington, aside from the fact that I missed my best buddy. I don’t remember when it was first brought to my attention, but I became aware of murmurings of Bennington’s rocky past online about a few months before I was set to visit Jackson. Being an experienced outdoorsman, I wasn’t afraid; on the contrary, I was rather excited to get out there and prove my worth to Jackson and his college buddies, who were far less athletic than I am. Looking back, I’m kicking myself for being so cocky. I can’t believe I ever thought of my best friend in that way.
From what I could see on the internet, Bennington College’s history was a long and often sinister one. There were videos about people vanishing into thin air: a girl wearing a red parka went for a hike alone and was never found, an experienced man leading an outdoor expedition disappeared in the woods, a woman fell into a stream, doubled back to the campsite to change her clothes, but never made it to the site, a man on a bus disappeared from the vehicle at a stop but left all of his luggage, a teenage boy was waiting in his mother’s truck and when she came back, he was mysteriously gone…I wish I could say these stories deterred me from poking my head somewhere where it didn’t belong.
Instead, I only grew more curious. What was going on in this so-called “Bennington Triangle?” I was in a unique position to investigate this phenomenon for myself. Many people hear about strange occurrences and the intrigue piques their interest, but they never have the chance to see it for themselves. But I could. I knew I could hold my own out in the wilderness—it was literally my job! Besides, I was a strong, slightly stubborn young man, built steadily, and I could protect myself well. What could possibly happen to me out in those woods, much less to a group of young college-aged men? The people who went missing most likely made one fatal mistake that cost them their lives, or maybe it was all just a big coincidence. Either way, I was about to find out for myself.
It was halfway through December when I left to meet up with Jackson. I got there on the last day of classes, and Jackson told me he would be busy until later in the day. I assumed he was cramming for a final, and I told him it was no big deal, I would meet up with him and maybe meet some of his buddies later. Besides, I had some plans of my own.
The most famous missing persons case in Bennington went cold, and is still unsolved to this day. The case is a tragic one, and I didn’t want to be insensitive by going around asking for information or throwing around names. Everything I needed, I found online. Paula Welden was the name of the girl in the red parka that went missing. Allegedly, she left campus one day to go on a hike by herself. She left the campus around 3pm and hitchhiked to an entrance to the Long Trail, a trail that runs for almost 300 miles from Massachusetts all the way to the Canadian Border. She wasn’t dressed to be outside for long, but as the story goes, she never made it back from the trail.
There was one sighting of her, however, that particularly interested me. A man reported that he had seen her running around, rather erratically, in the bottom of a gravel pit near the entrance to campus, and I wanted to see if there was anything left of the pit. Because I’m experienced with many different kinds of natural phenomena, I initially wondered if there wasn’t a natural explanation for her distressed behavior. I thought maybe there might be an insect nest or an infestation of small animals at the bottom of the pit that she might have disturbed, so I decided to check it out in my free time.
After the RA checked me in and I tossed my luggage into Jackson’s dorm, I packed a small backpack with essentials: water, sunscreen, energy bars, mini first aid kit, some rope, a utility tool, a flashlight, and a lightweight jacket. Then I headed out towards the pit.
The first thing I noticed was how much smaller the pit seemed. According to the eyewitness description of the incident, Paula was running up and down the side of a deep gravel pit, but what lay in front of me now was something much more shallow. I walked down into the center of what was left of the pit, but I could easily see over the edges. The small, dark fragments of rock crunched and ground together under my hiking boots, and the slowly sinking midday sun bounced off of the remnants of white snow around me. It was an unusually sunny day for winter, and the snow was, curiously, letting up for my visit. But the good luck for me ran out here—there seemed to be nothing to investigate at this location. My hopes of finding any evidence of insect or pest infestation that could have disturbed the girl were dashed, maybe buried several feet underground.
I lingered awhile, kicking at the bits of gravel in the small pit. I watched the small rocks scatter over the rest of the gravel, hitting up against the edge of the pit and rolling back down a few inches. I turned to go, but stopped. Maybe it was a trick of my eye, the sun reflecting harshly off of the snow and glinting in my sunglasses, causing me to not see clearly. I walked to the edge of the pit and kicked some more gravel at the side. The small rocks skipped across the uneven surface of the gravel pile, and scattered up the edge of the pit, farther than gravity should allow them to travel. I kicked more, and it happened again. My heart started beating faster.
I crouched down and picked up a small stone. I rolled it gently across the gravel, softly enough that it started to slow when it reached the incline of the side of the pit. I watched, astounded, as the rock slowly rolled uphill about a foot before coming to a stop. I gave a shout of excitement and jumped to my feet.
As I stood up straight I nearly fell back down. In an instant, my hearing seemed to go and I felt an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia. I spun around, thinking someone must be behind me, messing with me, but the sensation of closeness stayed pressing at my back. I spun around again, searching for an explanation. My head was fuzzy. I heard my footsteps, overwhelmingly loud, and I couldn’t hear anything else, almost as if my range of hearing was limited to my immediate surroundings. Like I was trapped in the pit. As soon as those words flashed through my head, the claustrophobia overwhelmed me, pushing up against the very air around my body. The silence built up inside my ears until all I could hear was my muffled footsteps, my desperate breathing, and the blood rushing faster and faster through my body.
I lunged for the edge, clambering up the side as fast as I could. Instantly upon passing over the edge the sounds of the late afternoon bore down on my ears. I stumbled and covered my ears, the chirping of the birds and rustling leaves almost too loud for me to bear.
It’s not that I was scared. Obviously, I was a little shaken up. As I hastened back towards Jackson’s dorm, I tried to rationalize what had just happened to me. Maybe I hadn’t drank enough water and I simply became dizzy. Maybe it was altitude sickness. Maybe a strange bug had bitten me and I temporarily lost my bearings. Nothing quite made sense. I tried to push it from my mind and focus on having a good first day, because soon I would be meeting Jackson’s college buddies.
When I got back to the dorm, Jackson was waiting for me. Fresh from the shower, his hair was damp and he was putting on a clean t-shirt. Pulling me into a hug, he expressed his excitement over my visit, asked me about my flight, what I thought about the campus—all the preliminary niceties. Internally, I breathed a sigh of relief. Even if he noticed, he didn’t pry and try to ask me about my slightly shaking hands, my pale face, or the vague disconnectedness with which I answered his questions.
That night eased my worries slightly. I ended up meeting Jackson’s group of friends and, together, we ventured into downtown Bennington. We hit a few bars and chilled at some of the many breweries in town. Live music, good company, and many, many beers did wonders on my nerves. By the end of the night, I had completely forgotten all about my encounter in the gravel pit. Jackson’s friends were nice guys, and I was too busy feeling proud about my best friend coming out of his shell in college. When he left, I had my doubts, but it was crystal clear that Jackson was really coming into himself at this school.
The festivities continued for the next few days: the guys were stoked to be done with their final exams and excited to connect with Jackson’s old friend, so we spent our time drinking and hanging out, bumping music and generally having a blast. It was almost enough for me to forget about one of the very reasons I was excited to be in Bennington in the first place.
It’s been a few days since that incident. I had even almost started to feel better about the whole thing. Maybe it was a mistake to poke around in old history, and maybe I should just focus on living my own life and fulfilling my own passions, working to heal nature as best as I can. But now Jackson and his friends want to go on a hike, and I’m starting to feel that same claustrophobia creeping back in. What the hell is out there, and why do I feel like I shouldn’t be messing with it?
Jackson chose the hike, not me. It was like him; he was the researcher, he was the one who looked at details, so he suggested we hike on the Long Trail. It intersected with the Appalachian Trail, and maybe I wasn’t paying attention when Jackson explained this to me, because it didn’t raise any alarms about the missing persons cases. Paula Welden went missing on the Long Trail, sure—but she wasn’t with a group of capable college guys like I was.
We packed some backpacks, crushed a beer or two for celebratory sakes, and set off on the trail. I let myself feel excited as we stomped through the trees, Jackson and his friends decked out in their matching red Bennington shirts from graduation. The hike was long. It was tedious. I don’t know when I first started noticing the weird aspects around us until about an hour in. The others didn’t pay any mind to these things, but I saw them: leaves drifting in the air with no breeze, snowflakes trapped in patches of sunlight, floating but unmoving, and that tree. It was a towering douglas fir, half-dead and reaching for the afternoon sun with bare branches. Each time I looked over my shoulder to check for hikers behind us or glanced ahead to see what awaited us, it was there. At first I assumed my eyes were playing tricks on me. After all, we had been hiking for a few hours.
Only when we stopped for a breather and Jackson pointed at a nearby stream did the weird things become too much for me. We were hiking on an incline, and we were exhausted, but when Jackson knelt beside this stream, it was flowing uphill. By then I was a little panicked. I freaked out, telling them that we needed to head back. Who cares if we hadn’t reached the halfway point yet? Was there even a halfway point? It felt like we had been walking for miles!
One of Jackson’s buddies opened up a map of the trail on his phone, and it was blank. He had service and bars, but the map was just…gone. Shocked with sudden fear, we immediately turned and headed back down the path. The sky darkened within minutes of us retracing our steps. Somehow, night was falling, despite us beginning the hike only a few hours prior. I tried to point it out, pulling Jackson aside when we slowed our pace to pass around a bottle of water. But Jackson was terrified and unfocused, and when I asked him what was wrong, we realized that one member of our five-person group was missing. How had we not noticed?
So, we made a U-turn and headed back up the mountain. Twenty minutes later, we found his torn university shirt. I turned the red fabric over in my hands, panicked and bewildered. When I looked up to scan our surroundings, I saw that same Douglas fir directly to my left. I was shocked, and the rest of the group must have noticed. We looked at each other and saw the panic rising on our faces. What the hell was happening?
I only had one goal at this point: we had to get down the mountain to call for help.
We decided to do our best to follow the trail on the way we came up, but only once daylight broke; it was difficult to make out the trail in the dark cover of the night, so I insisted it would be too dangerous. Someone could fall and get seriously injured, we could all get separated in the dark, or worse. So we did our best to hunker down and build a makeshift shelter to wait out the night, but it wasn’t easy. I can only describe the sounds we heard as otherworldly. Despite the lack of animals in the woods, nature seemed to be alive around us. The clicking of bugs kept me wide awake, but the noises were louder and deeper than I had ever heard. The baying of giant wolves, so close I imagined them coming up directly behind us. The snuffling of something in the underbrush, but from a cavernous creature larger than any moose could ever be.
Where had these animals been in the daytime? Why did it feel like they were surrounding us now?
I don’t know how I ever fell asleep, but when I awoke in the morning, the sun was beating down on us. From the sheen of sweat on my forehead to the dreadful pit in my stomach, I could tell something was horribly wrong.
When I scrambled to my feet and glanced around the area, I realized that only Jackson and I remained at our site. It was us, the clothes on our backs, and the demure amount of leftover supplies in our pockets: keys, gum wrappers, half-eaten power bars, and anything else that was ultimately unhelpful. We had been stranded on the forest floor, us against nature, as if something had swooped in from above and whisked Jackson’s friends under the pitch-black cover of the night.
I frantically took in our surroundings, peering into the bushes and pushing through thorny shrubbery. There were no tracks, no drag marks. Not even broken branches. I told Jackson we had to get out of there, and fast. I knew we needed to find the closest trailhead and book it down the mountain. Jackson ran so fast he nearly chipped a tooth on a steep hill. He was trying to keep up with me since I was faster by a long shot. All that sports stuff in high school paid off in the moment, so I almost felt bad leaving him in the dust. I called back over my shoulder to him every minute or so, making sure he was there.
He stuck with me for the most part. His t-shirt got torn by overhanging branches at one point, leaving a nasty scrape almost as red as the decimated fabric. I found myself struggling to remember if he was wearing that shirt to begin with, back when we started.
Then I decided I was losing it. It was like a fight against nature, Jackson and me against the blaring sun and sloping trail. Eventually, Jackson starts glaring menacingly at the passing scenery, cursing loudly and deliriously at everything surrounding us.
When we stumbled upon a trail marker, we barely had enough energy to celebrate. While we caught our breath, I tried to calm Jackson down. Something told me that cursing out Mother Nature wasn’t the best idea right now. Whatever was sicking the elements on us wouldn’t appreciate the nasty things he was saying about them. But he was terrified, and nothing I said could slap any reason into him. I had to lead us to safety, get us out of here.
Suddenly, I heard a sound in the distance. But unlike everything else we had heard so far, this one was man made. Jackson heard it too, and started yelling about a helicopter. He made a break off to the left, towards the sound, and I bolted after him. Somehow, he burst out into a tiny clearing.
Ripping off his red Bennington shirt, he started calling out and waving it in the air like a rescue flag. He jumped and shouted, but as the helicopter got closer, the unbelievable happened. The clearing started shrinking, tree branches reaching from either side to close the gap and obscure us from the view of the pilot. Jackson screamed in fury, cursing the forest like never before.
Then the chopper must have been lowering down towards the treelike because the wind picked up, blowing in circles around us like the blades were inches from our heads, faster and faster, more violent by the second.
The brush beneath our feet blew up in the air along with the topsoil and dead leaves, obscuring our vision. We could hear each other gasping for breath, trying to keep the debris out of our eyes and coughing. I flung my arms out into the space around me, calling for my best friend and reaching out for his hands. But then I felt something shift. The decaying leaves around me smelled stronger. The wind became more vicious. The earth trembled beneath my feet, and I thought I felt something looming above me, breathing down my neck but also looking straight into my unseeing eyes.
Then it clicked. Jackson's red shirt, the gravel pit, Paula's erratic behavior, the other missing hikers...something was picking these people off, luring them deeper into the woods where they were sure to never be seen again. Did the color red cause whatever it was to literally see red, like a sick, twisted joke? Like a giant bull in front of a matador? What kind of creature could it be? Such a stealthy hunter, a commanding presence that made man tremble at the sensation of its mere aura...I couldn't even think about it without snapping my mind.
Before the flurry of leaves and moist earth settled back onto the ground, I knew Jackson was gone. I knew the chopper hadn’t seen us and that I was on my own now. I tried not to panic as I felt like every hidden eye in the forest was staring me down, sizing me up. I took off blindly, but where to, I didn’t know. After what seemed like hours of desperately sprinting, I saw a pile of rocks in the distance. Shelter, I thought, and decided to rest there for a minute to get my wits back about me.
Then I had an idea. With what little juice I had in my phone and whatever cell service luck would afford me, I knew I had to send out a warning. For some reason, I didn’t think about myself. I didn’t think about dying, disappearing, or whatever had happened to my friends. If the nature around me would be the thing to end my life, so be it. I had decided to dedicate my life to nature long ago: to save it from my fellow man, to preserve its beauty, and to keep it out of the wrong hands, the people that wanted to use its power for evil and to bring about the harm of those around them. I know it sounds ridiculous to be thinking about when my life was at stake, but I knew it was what I needed to do.
From my makeshift hiding spot in the rocks, I began furiously typing my story with what little battery I had left on my phone. When my hands started cramping, I used the voice option. I didn’t care. I just had to get my story out there.
For an hour , I’d been trying to put it all down in words. I couldn't believe my luck, that my battery hadn’t run out yet.
I had almost gone to the end when I felt the same creeping silence begin to close in on me. It was as if the forest was falling silent around me, and that silence was racing in on all sides, but it was different from when I was in the gravel pit. There was more to the sensation this time, not just the sinking, breathless feeling and the loss of hearing.
Somewhere deep within the forest, but at the same time, only miles away, I heard an awful rumbling sound, something I’ve never heard before. Nothing like the helicopter, not even the giant animals I was convinced I had heard in the night. I can't even think of a word to describe it, but it filled me with a frantic kind of dread that I’ve never felt before. I feel it in the ground. My entire body wants to run as fast as I can, but it’s like I’m glued to the ground. I taste metal in my mouth like maybe I bit my cheek or the dirt from the wind or I bit on a rock, I spit and I can’t get it out. I’m going to open an app and copy and paste it so people can know while I still can type I’m shaking so hard they have to know.
And the smell I’m smelling it’s like fruit that’s gone ripe, but it keeps getting more ripe, a sickly sweetness that keeps building mixed with the smell of the richest earth imaginable.
This is happening now, I’m smelling this now and It’s it’s like I’m trapped under the shadow of some thing bigger something that’s taking the shadow away from the trees and I can’t see the shadow of the trees anymore and the ground around me is trembling. It’s like I can hear the trees calling out to whatever it is, that’s walking towards me or flying I can’t tell, everything is stretching and growing out towards me. No behind me above me something is coming. I’m I feel better right I feel better than I have in days or however long I’ve been out here I’m not thirsty anymore. I’m not hungry anymore. I feel fuller stronger smarter. My mind is overloading. I’m thinking of 1 million things like I don’t know if I can speak anymore it’s like, it’s like I’m fruit like I’m a ripening on the vine and this giant wings beating above me and the smell is too much I

The purge continues! As stated before, I`m getting ready to retire and travel for several months so I'm drastically thinning the herd of safe queens and uncarried blades (round 4). I don't really have the room in the camper for as many knives as I have now. My downsizing can benefit you!
-Not looking for trades but all prices are OBO, all reasonable offers are considered.
-PP G&S, all prices are including shipping, US sales only, first YOLO/comment/message gets the blade.
-Up for sale this round is: https://imgur.com/gallery/pdi48dX
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1.) Steve Karroll AEB-L Fixed Blade.
AEB-L Blade. Previous owner had Karbadize make some scales for it. Comes with kydex sheath. Sheath was cut down to fit the new scales, the cut isn’t the most even but holds super solid. Small bit of wear from the sheath. OAL is about 7 7/16". Never sharpened. Comes with COA. SV $180
https://imgur.com/gallery/GVQEt1z
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SOLD 2.) Grimsmo Norseman #1781. Blue reverse honeycomb pattern anodized titanium handle with gold accents, gold anodized titanium hardware, stonewashed RWL 34 blade, ceramic bearings. Knife is in great condition. It's had a few different owners and it's seen pocket time and some very light cutting tasks. With that being said, there really aren't any stand out signs of use or wear. Blade is in great shape and the edge is factory sharp. Clip side handle shows some light ano wear and maybe a scratch or two here and there, but nothing significant. Lock up is excellent and action is what you'd expect from a Norseman. I really hate to let this go, but I have multiple Norsemen. Comes with Grimsmo hard case, COA, T9 tool, and Nano-Oil. SV $600. SOLD https://imgur.com/gallery/tpuZceK
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3.) Shirogorov Neon NL.
3.375″ full flat-ground Elmax blade with jimping, 7.5″ overall length, Runs on MRBS (Multi-Row Bearing System), Titanium frame-lock handle scales with contoured edges, Smooth Micarta inlays, Steel lockbar insert doubles as lockbar stabilizer, Polished stand-off, 3D machined tip-up Titanium pocket clip attached with hidden hardware. Action is phenomenal (as usual per Shiros), no play, shaving edge (barely been used on Amazon boxes). Centering is near perfect. I cannot personally find any marks on the handles or the blade. Comes with the box and COA. SV $550.
https://imgur.com/gallery/RYyYRXM
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4.) Olamic Wayfarer 247.
M390 blade with Olamic's acid dark wash finish. This knife has been carried, fiddled with, but never cut anything besides opening some Amazon packages. The only blemish is a small snail trail on the show side of the blade. The centering is dead-on, action is good. Solid lockup. The scales have a deep-sea finish/sculpting that reflects light beautifully and is even better in person. Bronzed hardware and backspacer, the latter of which is also sculpted to match scales and the clip. Comes with the original zippered pouch, the COA, and the pivot tool. S/N T495-H, DOB 10.30.2020. SV $425
https://imgur.com/gallery/Uj62VEo
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SOLD 5.) Olamic Swish. Elmax blade with satin finish. Titanium scales in Olamic’s blue seabed contouring. Titanium Clip with nugget backbar anodized bronze. A few very slight marks/scratches on the blade, but not much. Handles look good with no noticeable signs of wear. Detent is very good and the blade fires out nicely with the flipper tab or a Spydie flick. Drop shut and the lock up is solid. Comes with the Olamic case, the COA, and 2 business cards. SV $350 SOLD https://imgur.com/gallery/4SPPfO8
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SOLD 6.) Benchmade 940-1 Osborne. S90V steel and carbon fiber scales. The 940-1 is highly regarded as one of the most quintessential EDCs of all time. Designed by Warren Osborne, this knife sports a plain reverse tanto blade with a Carbon Fiber handle. The manual opening mechanism features AXIS® lock technology. Up for grabs is this beauty of BM 940-1. Amazing fidget factor. It has a couple trails/marks on the clip and a small scratch on the blade. Never used or carried by me, but I am not the first owner. Comes with the box with corner wear, sticker, and warranty info. SV $180. SOLD https://imgur.com/gallery/4EBpgSE
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7.) Fox Knives 40th Anniversary #005.
M390 striped blade and carbon fiber scales. You won’t find many of these on the internet. This one has a really cool blade. Appears to be a sharpened blade from the previous owner and general signs of carry. Really cool knife though. Perfect size, great ergos, that blade. My only complaint is the detent is a little soft so the action isn't super snappy. No original box but will come in a zippered pouch. SV $375
https://imgur.com/gallery/YTgzX0Q
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8.) Pena X Series Rhino.
M390 blade and Titanium scales. An awesome Enrique Pena and Jared Van Otterloo design that will make a great addition to any collection. This beautiful knife is built with a satin finished blade with a deep belly and a subtle recurve. The titanium handle comes in a satin finish with blue and bronze ano hardware. The blade rockets open on stainless steel caged bearings and the lock up is solid. A milled titanium pocket clip finishes off the solid design. Has been carried and shows some snail trails: scales and clip; leading edge of show scale has a cosmetic mark. Comes with the box. SV $250.
https://imgur.com/gallery/Zslp1xd
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SOLD 9.) WingmanEDC MDD-K. M390 hand rubbed satin blade with Titanium ceramic bead blast handles. Utilizes Lee Williams’ innovative KickStop flipper mechanism and runs on ceramic bearings. Ceramic bead blasted pivots and hardware with steel lock-bar insert which doubles as lock-bar stabilizer. Lanyard pin. Steel backspacer and 3D machined titanium pocket clip. This does not have the original pivot screw. A previous owner stripped the head put because they didn’t have the proper tool for the proprietary screw. I was able to get the pivot out and replace it with an exact specs pivot screw with a regular hex head. Unfortunately, WingmanEDC does not offer replacement parts. Locks up solid and has an excellent action. I adore the bayonet style blade grind and the Kickstop action. Comes with the box, COA tag, and original paperwork. SV $250. SOLD https://imgur.com/gallery/aFCNUiG
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10.) APurvis Progeny V1.
M390 blade with a satin finish and purple anodized scales. Action is solid and the detent is on point. There are some marks from a previous owner’s sharpening on the choil and a couple of barely visible scratches on the pocket clip. Great knife with good ergos. No box but comes with a pouch. SV $225
https://imgur.com/gallery/6M1x0dr
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SOLD 11.) Sharper By Design Micro Exo Typhoon with carbon fiber inlays. M390 blade with carbon fiber inlays. Second owner but the original owner got this one directly from the original drop. Beautiful action, fit, and finish. One of the sharpest factory edges I’ve seen. Comes with the box. SV $300 SOLD https://imgur.com/gallery/I1SrdIS
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12.) Ray Laconico & Massdrop Keen.
S35VN blade with brushed titanium scales anodized bronze. Gorgeous knife that shows almost no signs of being carried. This thing literally snaps open with early lockup, perfect centering, and no lock stick. Drops shut with the slightest shake. Comes with the box, taco, and R. Laconico cloth. SV $140
https://imgur.com/gallery/w8kACQ4
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13.) Pena X Series Lanny’s Clip Flipper.
S35VN clip point blade with green G-10 scale inserts. Beautiful two tone satin and stonewashed blade and blue anodized hardware. The fit and finish is amazing and the action is smooth. Small snails on the titanium bolster. Previous owner added the lanyard and bead. Comes with taco only. SV $210.
https://imgur.com/gallery/mzVWxhD
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14.) Civivi Elementum Damascus flipper.
Damascus blade steel that offers dependable blade strength beauty. Carbon fiber overlay on G-10 scales that complement the lightweight design. Stainless steel clip for secure deep-pocket carry. Caged ball bearing pivot ensures a smooth and reliable action. I am the original owner with very light carry. Small mark on clip and lock side pivot screw wear. Comes with the box, rag, and stickers. SV $80.
https://imgur.com/gallery/8sd4ThE
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15.) Civivi Elementum Damascus Button Lock.
Damascus blade. Push button lock that rides smoothly and locks the blade in place. Marbled Carbon Fiber handle scales with a simple shape for a sure grip. A stainless steel, reversible clip and caged ball bearing pivot for a smooth and reliable action. I am the original owner and never carried this one, like NIB. Comes with the box, pouch, rag, and stickers. SV $80.
https://imgur.com/gallery/OuVyfVK
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16.) Kizer Splinter Ti.
S35VN blade with Titanium scales. This is a collaboration with Kizer and Tomcat Knives. Has a contoured and textured titanium handle with an S35VN steel blade. The action is smooth with the ball bearings. Frame lock provides a reliable lock up of the blade with zero blade play. There is a natural stonewash finish on the blade and the handle is equipped with a custom pivot, lanyard hole and a reversible titanium pocket clip. I’m the original owner and have never carried it. LNIB. Come with the box, rag, pouch, and extra screw. SV $65.
https://imgur.com/gallery/t1IitYD

Hey all. I moved here about a year ago and haven’t had much luck making friends in the area. I’m 19 male and want friends near my age, not under 18 though. I’ve moved a lot and am a more quiet person, think of me as an army brat. I greatly dislike social media, and I want to live on a farm and have a few kids someday and I already know that. Most people around my age are obsessed with their phones, music so loud it’ll burst your ear drums every car ride, screaming at stuff, and just stupid shit. Not for me. I like nature, some video games, physical activities, etc. I would love to be in some kind of not competitive sports club, but I don’t know any with people my age nearby.
Are there any clubs, activities, or places I can go where I can meet chill younger adults? Can’t go to bars if that wasn’t clear. I’m okay if I have to go alone for a while, as long as it’s the kind of place where I can meet like minded people eventually.
Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

So I've been out of school for 3 years now and yes to my surprise, I still dress the same way which consists of casual tee, athletic shorts, and athletic shoes. I don't own any suits, polo shirts, chinos, khakis, or even dress shoes. Where can I go buy these pieces of apparel to dress at least business casual for whenever I want to go to the office for a buyer consultion, the home of a seller for a listing appointment, or for a closing. I reside in south florida near fort lauderdale. Also where can i find pics of people wearing those pieces of clothing in a nice presentable manner so I can copy them or at least not look like a fool on my own?

Hi neighbors!
My wife and I are in our mid 30s and expecting our first child. We currently own near Regis University, but are starting the research of our next “stop” in Denver. Looking for specific neighborhood recommendations rather than areas or towns. Providing interests below, please provide any insight and recommendations. (I know this is a lot, so please keep the rude comments to yourself): - a town with younger families. - safe neighborhood where kids are okay in streets to play sports or whatever else. - nicer neighborhood, with prices ranging from 600-900k. - bike and walking paths galore to parks and town(s). - close to a historic or olde town with restaurants, breweries, coffee shops, shops, etc. similar to golden or Littleton. - events for families and kids in the town or at nearby parks. - parks galore. Lakes, splash pads, playgrounds, sports fields, etc. - close to kid friendly activities like soccer leagues - good schools - nothing further than 50 minutes from airport and downtown denver

Sorry, I am aware, that you don't need to listen to me rambling about my feelings. I am fine with whatever reaction, if any, this post will get. I just need to get this of my chest.
I started caring about this team as a little boy from Slovakia, in the banter era. I had a surgery which was painful and as a treat for enduring it my dad stop at small booth that we saw on the way home to buy me some football jersey. Only one that was small enough for me was Inter's Sneijder one. I liked the color combination I wore it to school, although it was the banter era and I heard some comments like “this team/ player is better”. I preferred Inter over Napoli, which is weird considering the fact that they had Hamšík who was Slovakian, which considering that we did not have a lot of successful players was important for me.
Then other fellow country-man, Škriniar came to Inter. And I went form caring about team, to being really invested in it. From having a rough idea where in the table we were to following matches. From knowing Icardi to learning more about other players.
I know others who started rooting for some foreign club for similar reason, and stayed loyal even after their player left. But I don't know if I can do the same when there is such animosity between this community and the core reason that led me here. I will probably return to pre-Škriniar relationship with this team. Probably wishing you well, but not being as much invested.
I nearly left this subreddit, because I could not handle the hate. I know this is mainly his fault, but it pains me, that this is happening. It is like witnessing a parents fighting. What kept me was one last wish I have regarding this team. Since I started watching this sport, I hoped for a Slovakian player to finally win a CL. This is the worst way this dream could come true, it would certainly be bitter-sweet, but still…
If you are still reading, thank you for caring about me. I'm guessing this rant won't be met with the warmest response, I would totally understand that, I'm feeling a little heretical as I write this. Feel free to “this isn't an airport; you don't have to announce your departure" me.

PART [1/2]
The fresh oxygen-filled air bristled through the green canopy above. Gn’ylaum did appreciate Earth’s aesthetic to some degree, although he would never feel truly at home in these things they called forests. Yet, today he would experience it in a different way, for he was finally invited to go hunting with the human hunting group he had associated with a while ago, for the purpose.
“Do you mind if we take notes?” asked one of the four humans he was accompanying.
“Notes about what?” Gn’ylaum asked.
“Just, we’re unfamiliar with your kind and hunting, just for future reference,” answered another man, that had introduced himself as Joseph to Gn’ylaum. “I imagine you’ll also be marking some observations about us.”
That hadn’t occurred to Gn’ylaum. He wasn’t exactly looking to making a habit out of human-style hunting. He more or less did it, because hunting humans had been outlawed. This was the closest thing he would ever get, although he wouldn’t tell his companions the truth about that, he supposed.
“Sure,” nodded Gn’ylaum.
Packed with primitive weapons that humans called shotguns, and backpacks filled with miscellaneous supplies, the hunting group set off into the thick overgrown woods. On the search for a life form called deer, or boar, and some other denominations that didn’t say much to Gn’ylaum. He would follow and shoot when pointed where. He figured it wouldn’t be to difficult, since human society seemed to be at least several centuries behind on development to the civilization Gn’ylaum called home.
They had been walking for over an hour in a stiff pace. Gn’ylaum could keep up, but he wondered why humans bothered traveling in such an exhausting way. Joseph had halted the group at the edge of a clearing in between the trees. It was covered in long sharp grass and dotted by patches of bracken. Gn’ylaum had familiarized himself with Earth’s flora in preparation of the trip. It seemed so much more diverse and complex than the low grade coverage on his home planet. It was about the only thing he appreciated about this place. Even though the compactness of it sparked a hint of claustrophobia within him. Joseph gestured everyone to crouch and so they did, then he whispered Gn’ylaum over to him, so he could observe from close how they were going to shoot the deer that was apparently grazing within the clearing. Gn’ylaum hadn't seen the deer, which he credited towards the survival instinct of the animal.
“You check where the wind is coming from,” Joseph whispered. “You try to approach the with headwind, so that it cannot smell you coming and any noise that you make gets carried away from the animal.”
This made sense to Gn’ylaum. Even though he couldn’t remember animals of prey at home that would be this complicated to hunt. Most of the species on his home planet reproduced at such a rate that it would be near impossible to make a dent in their populations, when hunting them for food. Although he had understood that humans do not always hunt to provide, but also for something they call sport. Where they go about wastefully killing things to see if they can. It was a strange concept, but Gn’ylaum would be open minded about it and try before judging.
“If you’re close enough, you line the barrel of your gun along your arm, and aim it using this small indent up front,” Joseph whispered. “You need to get the head or chest, depending on what you’re hunting, right in between it.”
Thus far Gn’ylaum could follow the instructions. The weapon had seemed crude to him, but it turned out he had underestimated the sophistication of the human hunting process somewhat. There was a clear aim behind everything. Though no efficient, it had a certain elegance Gn’ylaum couldn’t deny.
“If you’ve steadied your aim, you hold your breath,” Joseph proceeded. “You guys do breath, right?” he asked, as if suddenly unsure.
Gn’ylaum nodded. His species did breath, although they didn’t need the oxygen, but their bodies processed the nitrogen in the air. Something of which Earth had plenty, so that Gn’ylaum could go about his way, without the need of aiding equipment.
“BOOM!” yelled one of the other men out of nowhere.
Both the deer and Gn’ylaum startled at the sudden loud exclamation. The deer sped off in the forest and Gn’ylaum dropped backwards on the ground. The men – bar Joseph – laughed loudly as if they were amused and proud by scaring their guest to death.
“Very funny guys,” said Joseph, as he stretched his arm out towards Gn’ylaum, to give him a hold to get back on his feet. ”Anyway, that was all, except for pulling the trigger. You shoot the next one Gn’ylaum.”
Gn’ylaum simply rubbed his backside, and cleaned his coat. As he picked up his gun from the ground, he saw the men that had laughed earlier, making notes about his movements. Which seemed odd to Gn’ylaum, as he hadn’t done anything of particular use to the goal of this trip, but he choose not to question it and strapped the weapon over his shoulder.

Hello, I would like to seek fellow redditors opinions, input and recommendation on how I could better finetune my itinerary better. There's only so much I can think of, and plan as an individual, but with everyone's input and comments I can further refine and enhance the travel experience before I set foot into Japan. Do forgive me in advance for the theorycrafting wall of text.
I know it may be difficult to review the itinerary, so to make the review easier I have broken the itinerary down into specific sub-groups e.g. Shikoku, Kinki etc. Specific questions that I have are bolded.
Thank you in advance for taking your time to provide your opinions!
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Baseline information

• 32M, average fitness, solo traveller
• Public transport only (challenge); I have a driver's license but I have not drove a car for god knows how long so I would prefer not to test it against the green hills of Shikoku
• Interest: anime (select few), experience autumn/nature, visiting secluded spots, and just trying random stuff
• JP language skill: rudimentary at best (N4), but I will not shy away from speaking in simple, broken japanese or use a translator to communicate. Reading/interpreting kanji is not a problem (in general).
• Visit history: Visited twice (once to Hokkaido for ~8 days, and once toKyoto and Osaka for 8 days
• Will probably travel around with a (slightly) oversized luggage at ~166cm (A+B+C), that’s the only one I have with me. This will be a problem on the Shinkansen (but hopefully not so much on sightseeing trains/limited expresses).
• Will be visiting during (almost) peak autumn at 11 November, and will depart on the 16th of December
• Jet lag is unlikely to be a problem (1h time difference), but nevertheless I will maintain a low tempo on the first day to acclimatize to the environment
• Only thing firmed as of now is the air ticket, everything else is up in the air.
• I like planning/min-maxing to some degree, though I recognize that I may not fulfill all objectives during the trip and I am totally ok with that [its just a guideline or framework to give the holiday some structure, that’s all.] FWIW, I personally like traveling at a high tempo pace like some japanese travel show do (e.g. ローカル路線バス乗り継ぎの旅)

​
Specific goals/objective:

1. Experience Shikoku in autumn (specifically the views at Iya Valley) and in other prefectures (thus making nature sightseeing more of a priority this time round)
2. Experience Kanazawa for anime stuff
3. Experience the Shimanami Kaido in full (including any sightseeing spots in between the 6 island chains)
4. Bonus - try as many sightseeing trains as possible.
5. Bonus - if weather, time and schedule permits, try skiing as an option in Nagano.
6. Bonus - stay in as many onsen ryokans as possible, without breaking the bank.

​
Locked-in prefectures [i.e. I will definitely go to those prefectures no matter what]:

1. Shikoku (as per above objective)
2. Hiroshima (because its on the opposite end of the Shimanami Kaido)
3. Kanazawa (for anime related reason)
4. Tokyo (that is my starting and end point so it has to be included by default)

All other prefectures are basically float i.e. I am open to consider dropping said itinerary for something else based on your suggestion that aligns with my preferences/interest. Most of the other locations I added are prefectures that are often next to each other, or well-connected (apart from the initial Tokyo Kagawa jump via Sunrise Seto/Shinkansen).
​
Wait-list prefectures (prefectures that I want to go, but I don’t think I can realistically fit in without dropping other locations):

1. Snow skiing at Nagano (depending on how cooperative the weather is in early-ish December (would 2 days be sufficient?))
2. Ehime, Kochi expansion [spend 1-3 more days]
3. Izu Peninsula (~2 days, via Saphir Odoriko)
4. Nagoya + lower Nagano (Kiso Valley) (~3 days)
5. Ishikawa expansion [1 extra day at Kaga]

I am open to dropping a few days in Tokyo/Osaka etc to make that trade off [currently kept 3 days free for further development]. Alternatively, if the planning can be better optimized based on your inputs I might be able to do one of those without compromising on the base set. I would like to hear your opinion on what locations you would drop in the itinerary to make time for one of the above.
​
General planning philosophy:

1. My itineary adopts a breadth approach (cover as much area as I can humanely possible without rushing/touch-and-go) as opposed to depth (i.e. spending much more time within Shikoku than what I allocated); though I would be open to considering more days at selected locations if you have strong recommendations. My thought is to experience how different autumn is at various parts of the country (if possible), and maybe winter too (to a certain degree).
2. Due to the nature of my travel, I note that luggage logistics is a critical consideration when moving between prefectures; my thought is to park that luggage at the next hotel as quickly as possible so that I can free myself for sightseeing within the vicinity, or leave the luggage at the hotel after I check out until I am ready to travel to the next location. I will need to send (quite a fair bit of) emails to the hotels to confirm on this prior to booking.
3. I will attempt to minimize transit time between prefectures to no more than 2~3 hours a day to avoid having excessively long transport days (except the initial Tokyo Kagawa jump).
4. Because of the long trip, I will also need to factor a bit of downtime at night for administrative stuff (e.g. catching up a little bit on work, laundry etc).

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Shikoku (~7 days)
Specific thoughts while planning:

1. I will need to exploit Limited Express trains as much as possible to minimize downtime between the 4 prefectures. Fortunately, for the most part these train frequencies are almost hourly, thus missing one train isnt too deadly consequence-wise.
2. The transfer between Kochi and Ehime [Matsuyama] is oddly quicker via express bus as opposed to trains (!)
3. For Kochi, my opinion is that it is best explored on car instead of public transport [it’s a really wide prefecture]; I feel that 1 day may not do it justice, but it is probably adequate for exploring the city centre as a whole.
4. There's a fair bit of uncertainties while planning this leg so I would deeply appreciate any advice you may have.
5. This current iteration is unable to weave in the Shikoku Mannaka Sennen Monogatari sightseeing train [四国まんなか千年ものがたり] ; if you people think its something not to be missed do let me know and I will reshuffle my timetable as such.

Day 0: Tokyo Kagawa (Sunrise Seto) [Saturday, 11 Nov]

• Touch down at Narita at 1720hours
• Transfer to Tokyo Station via NEX or Skyliner
• Settle administrative matters at the Midori-no-Maruguchi (e.g. get all the booked tickets etc from JR Pass, for Shinkansen and all other sightseeing trains) at Tokyo Station.
• IF Sunrise Seto ticket is obtained via the JR West portal booking, chill till 2200 and take Sunrise Seto to reach Kagawa (Takamatsu) at 0700 the next day. Try to snag the ticket online (likely via the japanese portal since there's no option to buy Solo Deluxe through the english/international website. Otherwise, compromise and go for Single)
• IF Sunrise Seto ticket is NOT obtained, proceed to take the furthest possible Shinkansen westwards (probably Okayama) and rest for the night.

Day 1: Kagawa (Takamatsu) [Sunday, 12 Nov]

• Chill around Takamatsu. Drop luggage at coin locker OR the hotel (near JR Takamatsu ideally)
• Look at whats left of Takamatsu Castle en route to the port.
• Day trip to Naoshima or Teshima to visit the art museums (Chichu Art Museum, Lee Ufan Museum etc).
• Ritsuin Garden in the evening (closes 1830)
• Find an eatery with Sanuki Udon for dinner if possible.

Day 2: Kagawa (Kotohira) Tokushima (Iya Valley) [Monday, 13 Nov]

• Morning trip from Takamatsu to Kotohira (either via JR or Kotoden). Visit Kotohiragu [includes inner shrine] and Kanamaruza Theater
• Return to Kotohira to pick up luggage, transit to Oboke via Limited Express Shimanto [Takamatsu Tadotsu Oboke]
• Retire at a local hotel around Oboke. If time permits, take the chance to explore around Oboke Gorge itself.

​
Day 3: Tokushima (Iya Valley) [Tuesday, 14 Nov]
[Post-research note: I realized that there is NO public transport to Mount Tsurugi on a weekday. I will have to rent a taxi direct to Mount Tsurugi, make the 'climb', then thereafter take the taxi down to the other attractions. I am inclined to just go full hog on the private taxi and rent it (almost the whole day, probably 7~8 hours for 4300yen/hour) to save the trouble.
Otherwise, I will need to hike downhill which can be rather rough since its just a single lane road (looking at nearly 10++ km) so I think it wise not to penny pinch in the interest of both time and safety.]
Spend the day at Iya Valley.

• Take a taxi after breakfast to zip to Mount Tsurugi and speedrun it to the mountain peak (aka using the chairlift to speedrun a good chunk of the mountain) about 2.5 hours ~ 3 hours as per the Iya Valley guide
• Taxi from Mount Tsurugi chairlift down to Oku-Iya Niju Kazuraashi and cross it (~1 hour estimate)
• Taxi down to visit the mannequins/scarecrows at Nagoro Village (~3km downhill from Oku-Iya). (~1 hour estimate)
• Check out the Peeing Boy Statue (~0.5 hour estimate [its just looking at the statue that is overlooking the entire gorge is it not?])
• Cross the outer vine bridge Iya-no-Kazurabashi (~1 hour estimate)
• Taxi back to Oboke, and retire for the day (~0.5 hour estimate, thus looking at about ~8 hours taxi rental total, with some leeway for lunch break)

​
Day 4: Tokushima (Iya Valley) Kochi (Kochi) [Wednesday, 15 Nov]

• Transit from Iya Valley [Oboke] to Kochi via Limited Express Shimanto (again) after breakfast. (~1 hour transit)
• Park luggage at hotel [ideally near JR Kochi Station], then proceed to mill around Kochi, visiting places such as Kochi Castle [高知城] and Harimaya Bridge[はりまや橋]
• Transit to Sakamoto Ryoma Memorial Museum [高知県立坂本龍馬記念館] via local bus which is also near Katsumatsura Beach incidentally. Chill at Katsumatsura Beach in the evening
• Return to JR Kochi, dinnesupper at Hirome Market (ideally to try out Kochi's speciality seared bonito). [is visiting the market more preferable during lunch OR dinner?]

​
Day 5: Kochi (Kochi) Ehime (Imabari) [Thursday, 16 Nov]

• Complete any remaining items in Kochi in the morning, then transit to Imabari via train (Kochi Tadotsu Imabari), via Limited Express Shimanto (yet again!) and Ishidzuchi**[TBC: this might be better done via highway bus instead which is faster at ~2-3 hours]**
• Drop luggage at Imabari for the next 2 days, either at Sunrise Itoyama OR Cycle no Ie. [both are well positioned for the Shimanami Kaido, and are also one of the selected hotels eligible for the Sagawa luggage transfer.] Ideally done just around lunch time, so that there's still the better half of the day to explore Imabari.
• Spend the remainder of the day visiting Imabari Castle (closes 1700) and Towel Museum (slightly out of the way) (closes 1800) [TBC: I note this place is quite out of the way from Imabari itself, even the JP website suggests taking a taxi (!) there from the nearby train station. Might have to drop this).
• Attempt to try some Ehime-related food specialties e.g. Taimeshi (Sea Bream), Ehime oranges, Champon for the next 2 days

​
Day 6: Ehime (Matsuyama / Imabari) [Friday, 17 Nov]

• Take the Limited express train Ishidzuchi to Matsuyama day tripping. (~1h one-way).
• Explore Matsuyama Castle, and the nearby Matsuyama Ropeway Shopping Street
• Visit Shiki Memorial Museum
• Visit Dogo Onsen [and attempt to soak in the waters if possible].
• Also consider looking at Ishiteji (石手寺) beside Dogo Onsen.
• Bonus: Subject to train schedule, if possible, attempt to secure tickets for the Iyonada Sightseeing Train (伊予灘物語), Futami leg [双海ふたみ 編] , and also visit JR Shimonada Station (JR下灘駅) at the same time.
• Bonus: visit Yawatahama Port where the movie Suzume took reference from,
• Return to Imabari via the same Limited express Ishidzuchi and retire for the night.

Day 7: Ehime (Imabari) Hiroshima (Shinamani Kaido) [Saturday, 18 Nov]
I am of the opinion that 1 day in Shimanami Kaido is adequate if I attempt just the main route which is about 80km [as a test run, I did 70km and finished it within 6-7 hours with lunch breaks included]. For now I will plan for two full days, however should I truncate it down to one day later, I will add an extra day to either explore Matsuyama or Okayama.
​

• Start off at Sunrise Itoyama [watch the sunrise, have breakfast here, cafeteria opens at 0700, rental opens at 0800] OR Cycle no Ie. Do paperwork to send luggage over to the next accomodation via Sagawa.
• I will (probably) follow the recommended 'extended' route on Cycle no Ie's website and do the following:
  • Take the west coast for Oshima (~13km) and cross to Hakatajima, with possible stop on:
    • Mount Kiro Observatory Point [I am aware that there's a steep incline so this would be contingent on my physical/mental status by then].
    • Nagahama Beach
• Take the coastal route for Hakatajima (~17km) and cross to Omishima and enjoy the coastal scenery
• Take the coastal route (again) for Omishima (~41km) (or lesser depending on how I'm feeling at that point) , with possible stop on:
  • -TBC: Okunoshima (there is apparently a ferry route to the well-known rabbit island via Omishima port. Not sure if anyone else have tried this particular route and if this is a better approach than going through Tadano-umi (though I would acknowledge that there's historical stuff to visit in nearby Takehara), and I would not be able to buy rabbit food in advance).[Based on Google Earth estimate, its about 3km for the entire island loop - seems doable within 2 hours to tour the poison gas museum with a bike and pet some rabbits).
  • Oyamazumi Shrine Treasure Museum
• End the day at WAKKA (Omishima) OR Guesthouse NEST / Soil Setoda (Ikuchijima) just beside Kousanji / The Hill of Hope (closes 1700). If possible, visit before closing, otherwise defer to next day.
• Try the ice cream at Dolce at Ikuchijima if possible.
• Bonus: if for some reason I am still ahead of time at this juncture (<1500), proceed to finish Innoshima and Mukaishima, then take a ferry to backtrack to Wakka/Soil Setoda or cycle back (last boat is ~1700) and rest; however, the next day I will zip straight to Onomichi via ferry after breakfast.

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Hiroshima + Yamaguchi (~4 days)
Specific thoughts while planning:

1. Onomichi is a pretty good base to jump to Okayama to explore Okayama, Kurashiki or Tomonoura with the Shinkansen accessibility, but it is impossible to cover them all within a single day. If I finish the Shimanami Kaido within a single day or finish it early on the second day, I will have that extra time to visit those.
2. There's another sightseeing train etSETOra from Onomichi to Hiroshima but it only operates on Monday/Friday/Saturday/Sunday. For now the schedule could fit the train timetable pretty nicely.
3. Would anyone suggest visiting Miyajima in the morning or in the evening? This would help me determine the order for the Kintaikyo Bridge/Miyajima day trip. Watching the sunset at either destination is pretty good in my books.

​
Day 8: Hiroshima (Shinamani Kaido Onomichi) [Sunday, 19 Nov]

• Continue from Ikuchijima towards Innoshima and Mukaishima (~18km) via the western coast route after breakfast, with possible stops on the following areas:
  • Innoshima: Innoshima Flower Centre, Shimanami Beach [open to more suggestions]
  • Mukaishima : there seems to be a lot of brunch places like Willows Nursery etc, soak the view at Mukaishima Rest Park [TBC: open to more suggestions]

Ideally reach Onomichi just around lunch or earlier. Chill for the rest of the day, and if I'm still up for it, explore Onomichi, including but not limited to:

• Exploring the cat alley
• Visit the exhibits at Onomichi City Museum of Art
• Consider walking to Senkoji and Onomichi Hondori Shopping Street
• Look into trying Onomichi-style ramen.

Retire at a guesthouse/hotel near JR Onomichi that I have forwarded the luggage to.
​
Day 9: Hiroshima (Onomichi, Takehara+Kure OR Tomonoura OR Okayama) Downtown Hiroshima) [Monday, 20 Nov]

• Mill around Onomichi in the morning (if not done yesterday), with a side trip to EITHER Takehara/Kure OR Okayama/Kurashiki OR Tomonoura (choose one):
  • Takehara: stroll along the historical townscape [and look if they have any Tamayura-related merch], Okunoshima (if not done during the Shimanami Kaido leg / Kure: look into trying Kure curry/Niku-jaga and visit the Yamato Museum
  • Okayama: Okayama Castle (zip via Shinkansen) / Kurashiki : Kurashiki Bikan Historical Quarter
  • Tomonoura: stroll along the townscape during the day (zip via Shinkansen, transfer to local bus)
• Return to Onomichi (no later than 1400), board the etSETOra sightseeing train at 1437, and zip to Hiroshima. Enjoy the sunset along the coastline.
• Retire for the night at Hiroshima proper, probably near JR Hiroshima OR the bus terminal. If time permits, take a gander along the streets and see what takes me from there.

​
Day 10: Hiroshima (Downtown Hiroshima) [Tuesday, 21 Nov]
Spend the day surveying Hiroshima proper.

• Peace Memorial Park (平和記念公園) and Atomic Bomb Dome
• Hiroshima National Peace Memorial Hall for the Atomic Bomb Victims (国立広島原爆死没者追悼平和祈念館)
• Hiroshima Castle
• Orizuru Tower (おりづるタワー)
• Shukkeien (縮景園)
• Optional: Mazda Museum / Kure (if not done the previous day)
• Try to source for Hiroshima-specific food: Okonomiyaki, Dandan Noodles

​
Day 11: Hiroshima (with a day trip to Yamaguchi) [Wednesday, 22 Nov]

• Daytrip to Yamaguchi [Shin-Iwakuni] to visit Kintaikyo Bridge via Shinkansen. Also stop by the nearby Iwakuni Castle.
• Try Tonosama Sushi at Iwakuni if possible.
• Take the local train back to Miyajimaguchi and take the boat to Itsukushima.Take the time to stroll around the island and perhaps watch the sunset at the torii gate.
• Exit back to Hiroshima via boat to Hiroshima Port direct, and transit back to hotel.

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Shimane + Tottori (4 days)
Specific thoughts while planning:

1. Matsue becomes the main jump point for Shimane just because of the subsidized highway bus from Hiroshima, and ease of access towards Tottori later. There's no direct train between Hiroshima and Izumo/Matsue (!).
2. Tottori is really wide size-wise, to the point that it feels more efficient to have two separate hotels in two nights (Kurayoshi/Misasa Onsen + downtown Tottori) rather than one hotel for two nights (i.e. downtown Tottori). Could be just me making excuses to get into an onsen ryokan however.
3. Is there anything interesting at Yonago (Tottori) that I should take note of? Based on my initial survey nothing in particular pops up (other than the Tottori Prefectural Flower Park).
4. Skipping Tottori Castle since it doesn’t seem to be interesting at first glance. Any other interesting things to at Tottori downtown (or nearby)?

​
Day 12: Hiroshima Shimane (Matsue) [Thursday, 23 Nov]

• Make good use of the 500yen highway bus from Hiroshima to Matsue. (3.5 hours transit). Fortunately the frequency is not too bad (7-8 buses per day, looking at 0800 departure or later); if there are still outstanding places to visit in Hiroshima I will visit them in the morning.
• Check in at a hotel near JR Matsue, and proceed to trawl around Matsue with whatever daylight is left. (TBC: am considering taking a few stops down to Tamatsukuri Onsen 玉造温泉 or Matsue-shinjoko Onsen instead of the typical hotel. Does anyone have any positive experiences there?)
• Attempt to spend the afternoon at the Adachi Museum of Art. Local train to Yasugi, transfer to free shuttle.
• Chill off in downtown Matsue for the night. Prowl for Shimane-specific food such as Naniwa Zushi (浪花寿司), Shijimi clams (しじみ), Izumo soba, Izumo Zenzai (出雲ぜんざい).
• Bonus: visit the Tottori Prefectural Flower Park for the winter Hanakairo Flower Illumination at Yonago at night [which is just beside Matsue. Free shuttle bus at Yonago bus terminal].

​
Day 13: Shimane (Izumo / Matsue) [Friday, 24 Nov]

• Day trip from Matsue to Izumo. (JR Matsue JR Izumo, swap to Ichibata local rail to Izumotaisha-mae)
• Take a stop at Izumo Taisha, as well as the nearby Shimane Museum of Ancient Izumo (島根県立古代出雲歴史博物館)
• After lunch, return to JR Matsue and proceed to Yushien Garden (由志園) via bus. Enjoy the sunset over the garden.
• Stop by Matsue Castle on the way back.

​
Day 14: Shimane (Matsue) Tottori (Kurayoshi) [Saturday, 25 Nov]

• Transfer from Matsue to Kurayoshi in the morning via Super Matsukaze Limited Express (~1h).
• Settle down luggage at Misasa Onsen, then proceed to hike up Mitokusan Sanbutsuji Temple (三仏寺). Cater extra time just in case I have to wait for another fellow to pop up to climb in pairs. Estimated climb time excluding wait is about 2-3 hours both ways?
• Excess time to be spent sauntering Misasa Onsen and its nearby area such as the Nijisseiki Pear Museum [二十世紀梨記念館（なしっこ館)] and Kurayoshi Historical Quarter.
• Retire at Misasa Onsen for the night. Bonus: watch the constellations at night at Misasa Onsen on a Monday/Wednesday/Friday, 2100JST. Current plan does not fall within those 3 weekdays
• Bonus: take a short detour to Conan Town (postnote: not a big fan of the show).

​
Day 15: Tottori (Kurayoshi Tottori) [Sunday, 26 Nov]

• Transfer from Kurayoshi to Tottori (~35minutes transfer) in the morning, and proceed to tour around Tottori.
• Drop luggage, take a local bus to Tottori Sand Dunes, and visit the nearby Sand Museum.
• Transfer northwards to Uradome Coast via local bus and spend the remainder of the day there. Watch the sunset over the coast.
• Return to downtown Tottori, stroll around and call it a night.

​
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Hyogo, Kyoto, Osaka , Nara, Mie (10 days)
Specific thoughts while planning:

1. Kinosaki Onsen is intentionally designed to be a slow-paced leg to recover [and also to make time to enjoy the onsens].
2. The limited express train between Kinosaki Onsen and Osaka stops by Himeji thus I thought of resting a night there instead of doing day trips via Osaka.
3. Osaka itinerary does look sparse but that is in large part because I have already visited most of them in the past. Nevertheless, I would like to experience how different it is in autumn compared to summer [based on those few destinations that I loved going previously].
4. I have kept one float day to decompress, OR shift to any of the other prefectures (TBC).
5. There are (multiple) special limited express train by Kintetsu; they're not covered by JR pass but nevertheless I would love to ride on those as an experience. The Kintetsu pass covers the basic fare only but based on my preliminary cost estimate, it is still worth getting it.
6. Is it feasible to compress Himeji and Kobe to a single day?
7. The itineraries for Osaka, Kyoto, Nara and Mie are flexible since they're literally beside one another - makes it particularly easy to shift around base on ground situation.

​
Day 16: Tottori (Tottori) Hyogo (Kinosaki Onsen) [Monday, 27 Nov]

• Settle any outstanding sightseeing spots in the morning if required in Tottori, then transfer to Kinosaki Onsen via the Sanin Line.
• Make a pitstop at Amarube ('Sky Station') and marvel at the engineering work.
• Deposit luggage at the ryokan (or put in the coin locker), and stroll around and enjoy Kinosaki Onsen [after all its an onsen town].
• Try to hit as many of the 7 external onsens that are usable. Retire for the night here.
• Optional: go up the ropeway and oversee Kinosaki Onsen in the evening (last ride up ~1630)
• Optional: take a short hike up to Onsenji Temple.

​
Day 17: Hyogo (Kinosaki Onsen + Northern Kyoto (Amanohashidate) day trip) [Tuesday, 28 Nov]

• Optional: take a (very) early start to the day to Takeda Castle Ruins and witness the 'floating castle' effect in the morning (<0800).
• Day trip to Amanohashidate via ToyookaKyotango Railway. Do the funny bend-down pose on the bench at Amanohashidate View Land, and see how it feels like looking at the world inverted.
• Cross the sandbar and look from the other side (Nariaiji Temple / Kasamatsu Park)
• Select one of three additional side-trips:
  • EITHER take a local bus up to Ine to look at the Funaya + sightseeing boat,
  • OR local rail down to Maizuru to look at the Maizuru World Brick Museum + eat at the Michi-no-eki;
  • OR reverse to Toyooka spend time in the city itself e.g. Izushi Castle Town
• Return to Kinosaki Onsen, and continue experiencing the remainder of the onsens. Retire for the night here. Optional: ride the Aomatsu sightseeing train back to Toyooka.
• Optional: Take a trip to Ankokuji Temple (安国寺) in the evening. Likely to visit post-peak autumn which means less than ideal viewing conditions.

Day 18: Hyogo (Kinosaki Onsen Himeji) [Wednesday, 29 Nov]

• Transit from Kinosaki Onsen to Himeji via Limited Express Hamakaze (~2 hours).
• Deposit luggage at the hotel or the coin lockers at the station, then proceed for sightseeing.
• Walk along the Miyuki Street Shopping District which is en-route to Himeji Castle.
• Himeji Castle sector : Himeji Castle (姫路城), Kokoen (好古園)
• Take a local bus at Himeji Castle to go to Mount Shosha and hike up Engyōji Temple (圓教寺)
• Optional : Stroll along Hyogo Prefectural Museum of History and/or Himeji City Museum of Art which is beside the castle, OR Shosha Handicraft Museum which is just at the foot of Mount Shosha
• Optional: Make a detour to the Japan Toy Museum near Koro station (~30 minutes from JR Himeji). Closes 1700.
• Look for Hyogo-specific food: Kobe beef, steamed pork buns, sobameshi, himeji oden, etc

Retire at Himeji for the night.
Day 19: Hyogo (Himeji Kobe) Osaka (Dotonburi) [Thursday, 30 Nov]
Day trip to Kobe, before continuing further down to Osaka.

• Check out from Himeji, transit further down to Kobe for another stop before Osaka. Place luggage at the holding facility within the Shinkansen station.
• Take a visit to the Earthquake Memorial Museum (人と防災未来センター) to look at the devastation wrought by the 1995 earthquake.
• Stroll along Kobe Harborland (神戸ハーバーランド) and Meriken Park (メリケンパーク) , look at the Kobe Tower since its closed till 2024 for renovation, and look at the damage caused by the earthquake
• Optional: Head westwards to Hyogo Prefectural Museum of Art.
• Optional: Hit up the ASICS Sports Museum (アシックススポーツミュージアム)
• Look at the engineering feat that is the Akashi-Kaikyo Bridge and the nearby Akashi Kaikyo Bridge Exhibition Center at Maiko. (Suzume no Tojimari)
• Return to Shin-kobe, pick up luggage, and transit to Shin-Osaka via Shinkansen, and then to Dotonburi/Shinsaibashi. End the (long) day in Osaka.

Day 20: Osaka [Friday, 1 Dec]
Osaka Nostalgia (acid) trip, speedrun edition: revisiting places that I want to go again

• Day trip to Mino Park and revisit the waterfall (I loved visiting it previously) via the Hankyu line in the morning.
• Zoom down to the Osaka Aquarium after lunch and walk around it (Minoo Umeda Honmachi Osakako Station).
• From there, race towards Abeno Harukas and watch the sunset/nightview at Abeno Harukas.
• Bonus: revisit Sumiyoshi Taisha if time permits.
• Spend whatever time remains at night at Nipponbashi Denden Town (shops close at ~2000) and Dotonburi (some stores are still open near midnight) and/or Shinsekai (新世界).

Day 21: Osaka (Nara day trip) [Saturday, 2 Dec]
Spend a day in Nara.

• Zoom from Namba to Nara via Kintetsu (note: non-JR)
• Explore Todaiji Temple, Kokufuji Temple, Isuien Garden and Kasuga Taisha.
• Optional: pass by Naramachi (奈良町) on the way back.
• Take the Kintetsu line down to Mount Yoshino. [TBC: subject to whether I am too early or late for the koyo.Based on last year's prediction I am about 1-2 weeks too late. Might swap this out to a Uji day trip instead in Kyoto.). Spend time walking around the Shimo Senbon and Naka Senbon and experience the autumn.
• Transfer back to Osaka. Bonus: take the Blue Symphony back to Osaka instead of the typical train. (non-JR)

Day 22: Osaka (Mie day trip) [Sunday, 3 Dec]
Day trip to Mie.

• Take the Iseshima Liner from Tsuruhashi Station (near Namba/Dotonburi) to Ise. Bonus: take the Hinotori from Osaka to Tsu, then transfer to Mie. (non-JR)
• Hit up Ise Jingu (伊勢神宮) [both inner and outer] and Okage Yokocho (おかげ横丁)
• Try to eat Matsuaka Beef or Ise Udon for lunch.
• Head westwards to Futamiokitama Shrine (二見興玉神社) / Meotoiwa Rocks; and if further time permits, go to Toba for the Ama Viewing Platform.
• Take the returning Shimakaze Limited Express train back to Osaka (note: only one train at 1630; if this train is missed, change to normal express trains). (non-JR)
• Retreat back to Osaka for the night. Consider doing any other night activities in Osaka if time, and body permits.

Day 23: Osaka ('north' Kyoto day trip) [Monday, 4 Dec]
(north) Kyoto day trip.

• Take a stop at the Kyoto Railway Museum. Optional: also consider heading to To-ji Gojunoto first if I reach Kyoto way early before 10am.
• Walk back to Kyoto station, and take a bus northwards to Kyoto Manga Museum.
• Hop on the bus direct from the Manga Museum to Kinkakuji. [bus 15]
• Select one of two side-trips:
  • EITHER head westwards to Arashiyama (note: already visited once in the summer but I still think it nice to visit in autumn/winter this time round). Bonus: experience sunset along the Togetsukyo Bridge.
  • OR head eastwards to Higashiyama (closes 1700), Philosopher's path etc (did not visit these in my past trip here so there's the 'new' factor, but it is going to be a physically taxing day. Also, most likely will reach here nearing evening i.e. closing time thus there's a limit to how much I can visit realistically).

Whichever choice, return back to Osaka for the night. Look out for Kyoto-specific food such as Yudofu, Saba Sushi, Warabi Mochi, Nishin Soba (にしんそば) etc.
Day 24: Osaka ('south' Kyoto day trip) [Tuesday, 5 Dec]
(south) Kyoto day trip edition (mainly Uji and Fushimi).

• Zip from Osaka to Kyoto via Keihan to Uji Station.
• Spend the better half of the morning in Uji.
• Visit the Byōdō-in and the nearby Tonoshima and Tachibana Island.
• Hike up to the Daikichiyama Observation Deck to oversee Uji as a whole. On the way down, explore Ujigami Shrine.
• Take the chance to buy some Uji tea as gifts to relatives. Have lunch along the Omotesando Road.
• Head further northwards to Fushimi, and do another hike up Fushimi Inari. (Note: visited once in the past but I liked the experience thus I would like to do it again.) Bonus: if its done in the evening.

Head back to Osaka and retire for the night. Consider doing any other night activities in Osaka if time, and body permits.
Day 25: Osaka (wildcard) [Wednesday, 6 Dec]
Spare day to do whatever I feel like doing OR reallocate this to another prefecture. Intentionally left blank for later planning
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Kanazawa, Gifu+ (4 days)
Specific thoughts while planning:

1. Is it likely for the skiing season to open around 9~10 December at Shiga Kogen or Nozawa Onsen? Would very much like to try skiing for fun, but am uncertain if the snow condition would be satisfactory by then. Some of the skiing website indicates that these two destinations are usually the first to open. I would like to seek advise on this if possible [never skiied before].
2. As an additional question to point 1, is 2 days adequate just to get a flavor on skiing?
3. Kanazawa is a pretty solid jump point to Shirakawago/Takayama via express buses (~1 to 2 hour one way).
4. My initial planning considered going to Kurobe Gorge (Toyama) but apparently the railways are closed from December onwards. Please correct me if I am mistaken.
5. Another sightseeing train in Kanazawa that I can fit in nicely in my current plans (花嫁のれん), runs on Mon/Fri/Sat/Sun.

Day 26: Osaka Ishikawa (Kanazawa (Kanazawa cityside)) [Thursday, 7 Dec]

• Zip from Osaka to Kanazawa via Limited Express Thunderbird in the early morning (~3hours; ideally the 0740 or 0810 service). Drop luggage at the hotel near JR Kanazawa and explore the cityside.
• Have lunch at the Omicho Market (近江町市場), OR at Higashi Chaya District.
• Stroll around Kanazawa Castle (金沢城, Kanazawajō) and the nearby Kenrokuen (兼六園) / Seisonkaku Villa (成巽閣, Seisonkaku) .
• Consider visiting one or more of the nearby museums if possible:
  • D.T. Suzuki Museum OR
  • National Crafts Museum OR
  • 21st Century Museum of Contemporary Art
• Optional: Head southwards to Myoryuji Temple + Nishi Chaya District.
• Optional: Head northwards to Higashi Chaya District (if not done for lunch).

Any outstanding spots not completed today, to be rolled over to the next 2 days (if possible).

• Retire in Kanazawa for the night. Be on the lookout for Kanazawa-specific food: Gold-leaf ice cream, oden, hanton rice
• Optional: have a stay at Yuwaku Onsen for at least one night for anime-related reasons. (Hanasaku Iroha)

​
Day 27: Ishikawa (Kanazawa cityside) / Gifu (Shirakawago, Takayama) [Friday, 8 Dec]

• Day trip to Shiwakawago and Takayama via Nohi bus (non-JR, ~1h). Grab the morning bus express bus to Shirakawago and explore the place in the morning. Experience early snowfall (?) there. Optional: visit Ainokura on the way towards Shirakawago.
• Take another express bus down to Takayama for lunch (~1h travel time).
• Explore what Takayama has to offer. Stroll along the old town near the bus terminal and visit the Takayama Jinya. If time permits, stroll along the Higashiyama Walking Course.
• Optional: pay a visit to Hida Folk Village.
• Return to Kanazawa via Hida Limited Express to Toyama Shinkansen to Kanazawa, OR take the same Nohi express bus directly back (non-JR).
• Retire at Kanazawa for the night. Last express bus from Takayama to Kanazawa is 1630, arrive at 1845. Alternatively, head northwards to Toyama via JR and transfer to Kanazawa.

​
Day 28: Ishikawa (Kanazawa cityside / outskirts) [Saturday, 9 Dec]
Side trip to Wakura Onsen / Nanao for anime-related sightseeing. (Insomanics after Class, Hanasaku Iroha)

• Zoom from Kanazawa up to Wakura Onsen/Nanao via Limited Express Noto Kagaribi. Do some sightseeing related to Insomanics after Class and Hanasaku Iroha.
• Do some train spotting with two anime along the Noto Railways. Stop at Nishigishi station for some sightseeing. (non-JR)
• Return to Kanazawa in the evening from Wakura Onsen via the sightseeing train Hanayomenoren [花嫁のれん, last train 1630).
• End the night at Kanazawa.

Day 29: Ishikawa (wildcard) [Sunday, 10 Dec]
Spare day to do whatever I feel like doing OR reallocate this to another prefecture. Intentionally left blank for later planning
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Tokyo (~6 days)
Specific thoughts while planning:

1. Specific interest to target: anime/vtuber stuff, music (piano in particular), bookstores etc.
2. This is the point in time I should go ham on souvenier purchase if I have not done so. I'll probably get an extra cardboard box or duffel bag to lug with me to the airport to store extra stuff.
3. Would like to seek recommendation on where I should set my base for the 5~6 days here. For now I am planning to pit at Ginza, subject to availability and cost. My thought is that as long as its along the Yamanote line everything rolls I suppose.
4. Hard pass on Golden Gai on the Shunjuku leg (I do not drink).
5. There's way too many to list in terms of what I would like to do in Tokyo, but I have listed items that are of particular interest to me first within the available time frame. If you have strong opinions on specific locations do let me know.

Day 30: Ishikawa (Kanazawa) Tokyo (Ginza) [Monday, 11 Dec]

• Zip from Kanazawa to Tokyo via the Hoririku Shinkansen in the morning (just north of two hours). (TBC : If I can optimize my schedule better, I can try squeezing two days here for a stop at Nozawa Onsen / Shiga Kogen (Nagano) for a short ski experience).
• Deposit luggage at one of the Ginza hotels (TBC: subject to cost; might swap for another location later on)
• Explore ('south') Tokyo with the remainder of the day.
• Marvel at the architecture that is the Tokyo Station and its surrounding.
• Visit the Imperial Palace.
• Head south towards the Mori Art Museum (closes 2200)
• End the night with a stop at Tokyo Tower (closes 2230).

Day 31: Tokyo (Shibuya, Shinjuku and Nakano) [Tuesday, 12 Dec]
Explore ('west') Tokyo, namely Shibuya, Shinjuku and Nakano.

• Start off with an early day visit to Meji Shrine / Yoyogi Park.
• Head up to Shinjuku. Spend the remainder of the morning and lunch exploring Kabukicho, Hanazono Shrine and Omoide Yokochō (ideally have lunch here). Also make a pit stop at Kinokuniya's flagship store at Shinjuku.
• Head northwards to Nakano Broadway and trawl for anime goods for several hours (closes ~1900)
• Head south down back to Shibuya and experience the crossing in peak night condition. Walk around and soak in the atmosphere. Optional: stop by the Ishibashi music store at Shibuya (closes 2000).
• Cap off the night and look at the night view at Shibuya Sky (closes 2230). Zip back to the hotel at Ginza.

Day 32: Tokyo (Akibahara, Asakusa and Sky Tree) [Wednesday, 13 Dec]

• Kick off the day with a morning visit to Asakusa (i.e. Sensoji).
• Transit over to Tokyo Skytree to watch the Tokyo cityscape in the day.
• Trawl around Akibahara for the afternoon. (Animate, Sega claw machines, etc).
• Also stop by Ochanomizu for sightseeing (Suzume no Tojimari)
• Zip back to the hotel for the night. If time permits, stop by the two flagship music stores along Ginza: Yamaha Ginza and Yamano Ginza. Also, visit Itoya Ginza (stationary store).

Day 33: Tokyo (Kamakura day trip OR Ikebukuro) [Thursday, 14 Dec]
EITHER take a day trip Kamakura, OR explore northern Tokyo (Ikebukuro)
Kamakura leg:

• Make a detour to Used Tyre Market Sagamihara Store to experience the retro vending machines. Then head southwards to Enoshima.
• Look at the giant Buddha statue and stroll along Hasedera.
• Take the Enoden to Enoshiima and explore the island.
• Take the JR back to Ginza and retire for the night.

Tokyo (Ikebukuro leg):

• Visit Otome Road for otaku related stuffs.
• Trawl the usual suspects such as Bic Camera etc.
• Make a stop at the Mejiro Gardens.
• Visit the Waseda International House of Literature (The Haruki Murakami Library) at Waseda University.

Day 34: Tokyo (wildcard) [Friday, 15 Dec]
Spare day to do whatever I feel like doing OR reallocate this to another prefecture. Intentionally left blank for later planning
​
Day 35: Tokyo Home [Saturday, 16 Dec]

• Contemplate life at the hotel, doing whatever I feel like for the morning and early afternoon. Bonus: have an early breakfast at Tsukiji Market in the morning if staying at Ginza.
• Clear any last minute administrative matter (if any), or do (very) last minute sightseeing/buying. Most likely limited to Ginza and Akibahara.
• Get a nice lunch omakase to cap it off if possible. (taking recommendations if anyone has one, ideally meat/beef centric instead of just sushi).
• Head off to Narita from Tokyo Station via NEX just after lunch at 1430 1530 to Narita, flight at 1830.

END
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If you're still reading up to this point, here's my own personal ramblings/thoughts on JR pass usage:
I have thought of two ways of doing this for the first 21 days:
a. easy-mode : just get 21 days JR global pass before the price hike at 60450 yen, OR b. hard-mode: get a 7 day JR global pass (to cover the NEX fees, the basic fee on the Sunrise Seto to Shikoku, as well as limited express trains within Shikoku) (29650) + 5 days for JR Okayama Hiroshima Yamaguchi Area Pass (15000) + 4 days for JR Sanin Okayama Area Pass + 5 days for JR Kansai Wide Area Pass (10000) for a total of 59230.
The initial conclusion was to go with option A since that reduces the administrative burden, but I realized the individual passes do have its own perk which truimphs over the global JR pass. For instance, the Sanin Okayama Area Pass provides a (minor) discount for the Adachi Museum of Art; the Kansai Wide Pass covers the Kyotango route between Kinosaki Onsen and Amanohashidate which the global JR pass does not cover, JR Okayama Hiroshima Yamaguchi Area Pass covers JR buses within Hiroshima for free, therefore I am inclined to go with the hell option (option B) as it stands.
For the remaining 14 days, I could also get the global 14 day JR pass at 47250 yen but it is not worth it at all, because I will be relying largely on Kintetsu for the Osaka/Kyoto/Nara/Mie leg which the JR pass most certainly does not cover.

• For the Osaka/Nara/Mie/Kyoto leg, I intend to make good use of a mix of both local metro and the Kintetsu rail pass for 5 days (4900). If I do exploit Kintetsu's limited express train to its fullest, I should be able to save money by buying the pass. The Osaka Amazing Pass at 2600yen a day does not make financial sense for me this time round, given how little I am exploring within Osaka.
• For the Osaka Kanazawa, Shirakawago and Takayama leg, the preferred pass of choice is the Takayama-Hokuriku Area Tourist Pass over the global JR pass, in large part because this pass fully absorbs the Nohi highway bus fees (which can rack up quite a lot at ~8000yen for a return trip between Kanazawa and Shirakawago/Takayama). Also this absorbs the Thunderbird fee. One major issue with my current plan is that it does not cover Wakura Onsen nor the sightseeing train.
• For the final Kanazawa Tokyo leg, the preferred choice is the Horuriku Arch Pass that covers the direct Shinkansen back to Tokyo, and the NEX fees to Narita when I depart from Tokyo. Will only break even with the pass at best unless I make a stop at Nagano.

So all in all, there's quite little incentive to get the global JR pass after I worked out my schedule, apart from the initial 7 days for the Sunrise Seto jump which the All Shikoku Pass will not cover.
Through the hodge-podge of multiple area passes, it works out to around 102890 yen for the whole trip of 35 days, contrast with 107700 yen for a 21 + 14 global JR pass. While there's a minor cost saving doing the hard way which sweetens the deal, the additional minor perks associated with the area passes sells it for me, as I would had to pay more out of pocket to cover non-JR pass buses/rails and such which would add up to much greater cost than I would had anticipated. Also, if I did this trip post-price hike in October, the calculus becomes a no-brainer: avoid the global JR pass like the plague.
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Thank you very much for your opinions, suggestions and advice in advance!

The sun began to set on the small Scottish island, casting a warm orange glow across the quaint village. As the residents finished their meals and the last few visitors trickled out of the local pub, a man named Ewan slipped into the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to make his move. Ewan, a middle-aged man with a scruffy beard and unkempt hair, was an alcoholic. He was known by many on the island for his frequent drunken antics and had been kicked out of the pub more times than he could count. Despite several attempts to quit drinking, Ewan was powerless to resist the allure of alcohol. As the last of the pub's patrons made their way out the door and the owner began to close up, Ewan seized his opportunity. He snuck into the now-empty pub through a back door, hiding behind a large wooden barrel in a corner. He held his breath, praying he wouldn't be discovered as the owner locked up and left for the night. Once he was sure the coast was clear, Ewan emerged from his hiding spot and surveyed the room, his eyes gleaming with excitement. He licked his lips as he approached the rows of bottles behind the bar, the promise of a long night of uninterrupted drinking weighing heavily on his mind. However, as Ewan began to move across the pub, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off about the pub. The warm, lively atmosphere he was accustomed to had been replaced Ewan looked around as he approached the bar and wondered to himself. Why do pubs always limit themselves to the same decor? The harsh shades of red. The black and white photos of people long dead and oil paintings which seem to have been painted to fade into the background. Ewan had both drank and been barred from every pub on the island now and has seen little to no variety in interiors. "I guess it is to make it feel homely and familiar. Our brains associate familiarity with safety and people who feel safe are likely to drink more." while still feeling unsettled moving across the bar. The feeling of unease wasn't going to stop him from drinking as much as he can physically take before sneaking out leaving the landlord none the wiser. Until a stock take shows some discrepancies that he will probably put down to spillages or his carelessness with bookkeeping. Then he thought "No I will drink as much as I want and top the bottles up with water" Ewan's eyes grazed over the selection of choices on the Optic. Grouse being his usual preferred choice when he wants to spoil himself on the rare occasions he has money to burn, Bells being his usual go-to poison as the price and alcohol content measure up quite nicely but tonight he was going to drink like a king. He grabbed the bottle of Redbreast and carefully unscrewed it from the optic and began to greedily chug straight from the bottle. He walked drunkenly from behind the bar to a stool he sat down and for no reason held the bottle to the sky and said "cheers" at that moment the jukebox began to blast out at an incredibly loud volume "You're mine" by Ritchie Valens. "FUCK!" Screamed Ewan as he put down his bottle and hurried over to the jukebox. The light emitted from which was now making the shadowy areas seem darker by contrast. He scrambled to the floor feeling for a plug socket behind it to unplug the thing. The sound up close was almost deafening. After feeling along the wall to no success he quickly pulled at it to come forward so he could get behind it to where the plug must be and sure enough it was there. He yanked it out of the wall with a hard jerk and the record began to slow "yourrr minee forrrr eternityyyyyy....." and then silence. Ewan let out a sigh of relief. "Thing must be connected to some sort of sensor" Ewan walked to the window, crouched down in case anyone was looking in to see what the noise was. He looked to see if anyone in the opposite building heard the commotion. He looked and the only building on the other side of the road facing the pub was a thatched-roof cottage. Dimly lit by street light, with a sign above the door that read "Alf's funeral home" "Well Alf. I'm sorry if I woke up any of your clients" slurred Ewan while chuckling to himself. He reached for the bottle on the bar while turning and no bottle. He retraced his steps from the bar to the jukebox to the window and back to the bar but the
bottle was nowhere to be seen. Then he looked up at the Optics. There he saw it. The fine redbreast whiskey. He staggered over to it. Holding the bar for balance. There it was and seemingly untouched. He must have drank near on a quarter of the bottle but there it is. Almost full and back where it was. "I must have tipped it up with water after drinking and put it back. This isn't the first time I've lost chunks of time from drinking and it won't be the last" mumbled Ewan allowed as an attempt to reassure himself. Putting his feeling of unease down to the nerves of being caught along with the dull twinge of guilt he feels for stealing Ewan decided to look for cheaper alternatives for his next binge. He finally settled on a bottle of Jack. Only total pussies who want to pretend they like whisky because they think it gives them an edge drink Jack Daniels. The faggots that drink it non ironically will never notice it is watered down. Ewan grabbed a glass this time deciding to drink measured amounts. Aware that loss of time while drinking is usually followed by passing out entirely. Ewan sat hunched over on a rickety wooden stool, the creaking of the floorboards beneath him barely audible over the deafening silence that enveloped the empty pub. The musty smell of stale beer and old wood filled his nostrils as he took another swig from the glass of his Jack Daniels, a bitter taste lingering on his tongue. “Piss water,” he thought to himself. The room was dark, though his eyes had now adjusted enough to fully take in his surroundings. The old faces in frames on the wall. A photo on the wall to his left was of a party being held in this very pub. Looking to be in the 1910s judging from the fashion. Amongst the 20 or so people in the image, one woman stood out in the dead center. Her long hair was down, a contrast from the other ladies in the photos sporting the traditional Pompadour style of the time. She was smiling while looking off to the side. Seemingly unaware that she was to be the star of the photograph. Above the photo on a shelf made from taxidermy antlers sat an antique hunting rifle. The light from the street lamp reflected off the mettle barrel casting eerie shadows across the rows of dusty liquor bottles. Ewan thought about how many parties would have taken place here over hundreds of years this pub had been open. The idea of drinking for any kind of pleasure had become such an alien concept to him now. Drinking for Ewan wasn't a way to unwind or relax or even in his mind feed an addiction. Not anymore anyway. Now he finds himself desperate for a drink to quell the demons that haunted his every waking moment. As the alcohol began to take hold of him again, the memory he had been trying so hard to suppress clawed its way back to the forefront of his mind. It was a memory that he could never escape, a weight that anchored him to the ocean floor of despair. It had been over six years since the accident. The night had started like any other: dinner with friends, laughter, and, of course, alcohol. It was supposed to be a celebration of Ewan and Isla, his wife's fifth wedding anniversary. But as the night wore on and the glasses piled up, so too did the tension between them. “We need to get a taxi.” Said Isla after excusing herself and Ewan “I am fine to drive! It is only a mile down the road” “You were supposed to stay sober tonight” “Yeah, and you were supposed to get your license 3 years ago.” “Do you really wanna do this now?” Ewan thought on this for a second before speaking “No. I am sorry I was only meant to have a couple but got a little carried away. I am sorry, but you know we will never get a taxi at this time of night. Come on I'll drive slow” Ewan cut this memory short. He wouldn't allow himself to think about this anymore. As tears began to fall from his face he necked the remainder of the contents of his glass. Before he had a chance to pour himself another drink the stall he was sitting on was jerked back with such force that Ewan landed on the ground with a thud. Smashing the glass that was tightly gripped in his hand in the process. Ewan let out a pained gargled yelp as he shook his now bleeding hand in pain. The blood splatters landed on the wall art and photos. He looked at his hand and saw that yes indeed a large chunk of glass was sticking out of his hand. He yanked it out. With that more blood trickled out rapidly. He turned to see what happened to his seat. And there almost 3 feet away from him sat his bar stool. “Fuck this!” said Ewan as he hurried to the back door. Locked. He tried the fired exit, the windows. All locked. At this point, he didn't care about being discovered. He turned all the lights on. And started bashing his fists against the windows. The glass wouldn't budge he grabbed a chair and began smacking the window over and over again until the chair had fallen to pieces. Suddenly the Jukebox started playing again. Some big band highland number that he did not recognize this time. “I know I unplugged that” as he looked at the jukebox he noticed that the hunting rifle that sat on the shelf to the right of that was gone he scanned the room and to his horror, he saw a lady standing in the corner of the room facing away from him. His vision was slightly wavy from the alcohol. “Hey I don't know if you work here and you are trying to mess with me for breaking in. You have successfully scared the shit out of me and I am happy to wait outside for the police to arrive or whatever. I am bleeding, let me leave?” The woman turned around. It was the lady from the photograph. Her face was covered in bruises. Her eyes were red and puffy. She put the hunting rifle that was in her hands up to her chin and pulled the trigger. The front of her face exploded revealing bits of teeth and a gaping hole where her mouth should be parts of her brain decorated the ceiling the remainder half that was still in her skull pulsated a little as blood tricked out. She fell to her knees and now with her few remaining teeth bare, she looked as though she was smiling. Though her eyes gave the impression of pure rage. As she fell head first on the floor the electricity died. Ewan scurried away while on the floor to the corner by the bar and then vomited. “not real, it's not real it's not real” he said while covering his eyes. Afraid to look. He sat like this for what felt like hours. In that time a puddle of urine collected around him. “Usually I don't piss myself until I've finished my second bottle” he darkly thought to himself. “I need to find a way out of here” Thought Ewan as he opened his eyes and saw that there was no trace of the lady from the photograph anymore. The ceiling was clean and the gun was back on its shelf. He stood shakily. As He stood he noticed that the building on the opposite end of the street now had a light on. He began banging on the window again “Hey! I am trapped in here! Send help!” He saw movement in the window as someone pulled back the curtain to look. It was a middle-aged gentleman with greying hair. He looked around confused to see where the noise was coming from “OVER HERE!” Shouted Ewan and he banged on the window until his other hand was just as bloody. The gentleman then turned in Ewans direction “YEAH OVER HERE I AM TRAPPED! PLEASE COME AND HELP ME!” The gentleman looked as though he was trying to hear while with his hand he reached for the lining of his shirt. With one motion he ripped his shirt open relieving a gash going all the way up his body stitched together with what appeared to be wire. His look of concern turned to amusement and he pulled the wire. Undoing the stitches to show where his vital organs that have now been donated used to be. He laughed like a madman as he pulled his skin back. His head now leaning against the glass and his laughter which sounded muffled due to the distance was still audible from the pub. Deep and raspy but that of a madman. Ewans attention was broken by the sound of a familiar clank of something metallic. It was a sound that was instantly recognizable to anyone. The sound of coins dropping to the floor. Ewan turned and looked and sure enough, there were two coins on the ground behind where he stood. He bent to pick them up. They were old. Very old. From what he could see in the dim light they looked to be that of the Victorian times. He heard the sound again. This time over by the jukebox. He walked over to pick them up and noticed something. The floor under the jukebox looks to be a cellar door. He dragged it out some more to reveal that yes indeed, it was some kinda entrance to a hatch of some kind. This time Ewan saw the coins drop to the floor. He looked up at the ceiling and saw dozens of corpses laying flat against the ceiling with coins covering their eyes dressed in their funeral clothes all shoulder to shoulder. The sight was horrifying. And as if waiting to be viewed, at that moment their flesh began to melt to just skeletal remains, and coins and blood showed Ewan as he frantically tried to get the hatch on the floor open. Digging his fingers into the gaps trying to grip it to lift it until he eventually found a bit to latch onto. With one firm pull the hatch came up. He dove into the cellar. Not caring what he will find at this point. Slamming it shut behind him. He searched his pocket to find his lighter. After a few attempts at getting it to light he managed. He saw it wasn't a cellar at all. Instead, it was a tunnel. He began to follow it along. After walking for about 30 minutes the tunnel got narrower and narrower until Ewan was crawling on his hands and knees. He noticed a light ahead and felt hopeful that this could be the end of his ordeal. He began to notice he was crawling on pavement and broken glass. He kept going until he could stand and he could see trees and a road he hurried out of the tunnel and saw to his confusion. He was still inside the cellar. The trees stopped sharply at the ceiling and the road stopped sharply at the four walls that surrounded him. He turned to go back through the tunnel, Back the way he came. this was not the way out. what he saw as he turned defied all logic. The small part of his brain that clung to rational explanation broke as he saw that the tunnel he had just crawled through had been replaced with a tipped-over car. He saw a younger version of himself slowly regain consciousness while suspended upside down. He froze unable to move or look away. “Oh god please don't make me relive this” “Isla? Oh my god, Isla” Ewan checked her pulse but couldn't find one. He could see emergency services lights coming towards them from a distance. He knew he would go to prison for manslaughter if caught causing death by dangerous driving “I am so sorry baby. I am so sorry” Ewan said through tears while unbuckling her seatbelt and moving her over to the drivers side and then crawling back out of the car to flag down the ambulances. "They'll be able to resuscitate her, She will be okay and I will take care of her". Ewan didn't notice that the car had begun to ignite until it was too late. The flames spread quickly. “Ewan..?” said a dull voice from the car. Ewan turns and hurried to the car but by that point, it was too late “Isla!” He cried as he watched the flame cover his wife. Isla screamed in pain until her face was completely burnt away and all she could make was gargles and all Ewan could do was watch in horror. Then the entire room went up in flames and became ash leaving Ewan completely in the dark. Sobbing. “I am sorry I didn't know. I didn't mean to. I.... I...!" Ewan composed himself. "I deserve to die but I am not dying in here" Ewan stood and pulled out his lighter again to light the room only to see it was now filled with hundreds of bodies all staring at him. the tips of their feet scraping across the floor as they floated closer. Ewan backed away until he felt something metallic. A ladder leading up to a manhole shaft. he quickly began to climb as the ghostly rotting corpses moved closer to him at a more rapid speed now. as he reached the top and forced the lid open he was greeted by sunlight. hands clutched at his ankles dragging him back but with determination to survive he pulled himself free and was finally outside in the open. He closed the cover shut. He could hear birds chirping, and sounds of people driving to work. The world had never seemed so beautiful. "Oh my god buddy are you okay?" said a young man who looked horrified at Ewan who was covered in dried blood, ash, and a collection of injuries. "I am going to call you an ambulance buddy hang tight" The young man pulled out his phone and began to dial. by this point, Ewan began to pass out. He slipped in and out of consciousness while getting carefully placed on the gurney. "What is your name?" "Have you taken anything?" "Who's blood is this" "My name is Ewan, I haven't taken anything. I guess I have had far too many spirits last night though" he laughed to himself as the doors to the ambulance closed. as the vehicle began to speed away music began to play on the radio. "I didn't think ambulances had radios" said Ewan as he began to recognize the music. "Your mine and we belong together. Yes, we belong together" He tried to stand but he had been strapped down to the gurney. The walls of the ambulance began to melt away. The paramedics all had coins covering their eyes and mouths stitched shut. Ewan let out a scream as fire began to cover his body he could see once the walls of the ambulance were fully gone he was still in the pub. it was still night and he was now very much on fire. He let out one final scream before his lips were completely gone. His chard body fell to the floor by the bar with a thud. An empty bottle of Jack tightly gripped in one hand and his lighter in the other. In his final state of living consciousness before his inevitable death, he saw the light emerge from the window. The sun was finally rising for real. He closed what remained of is eyelids and let out a pained sigh as he died. Ewans body was discovered later that day by a confused and horrified cleaner. Who immediately phoned the police. The investigating officers, who knew all about Ewans drunken antics on the island and had their suspensions regarding the circumstances involving his wifes death. Put Ewans demise down to an elaborate and painful suicide. That night as his body lay on the slab in Alfs funeral home. After the sun had set and everyone had left for the evening. But in the pub opposite the funeral home, Ewan emerged from his hiding spot behind the barrels and surveyed the room, his eyes gleaming with excitement. He licked his lips as he approached the rows of bottles behind the bar, He felt an unsettling feeling of deja vu but had managed to shake it off by the promise of a long night of uninterrupted drinking which weighed heavily on his mind.

Hey all,
I just got back from my 3 week trip to Korea, spending 2.5 weeks in Seoul (due to getting surgery) and 4 nights in Busan. I thought I'd share some of my experiences and thoughts here since some of the recent information I got from this subreddit was not true when I went to Korea.
Tips:

• Get your T-money card as soon as you can (I got mine at the airport), I saw many tourists who never bought one and were still using single tickets to get through the subways, which is really inefficient and more complicated.
  
• if your phone allows eSim, prepurchase one online then you can simply scan a QR code when you land and have immediate access to data, you can also skip the lines at the airport where they sell sim cards. I got mine from KT online for 54,400 won which lasted for 20 days.
  
• lots of ATMs only allowed up to 100,000 won to be taken out, with an expensive 4800 won fee. ATMs near or in banks seemed to be the best option where you can take a lot of cash out and the fees were about 3000 won.
  
• when using your visa or mastercard, many times it will ask you if you want to be charged in KRW (korean won) or your home currency (in my case Canadian Dollars CAD), you should always choose KRW even though it seems counter intuitive. If you have a no foreign tx fee card like myself, your best conversion rate will come from the visa or mastercard conversion rate, and not the one on the machine.
  
• ALWAYS carry a pack of “wet tissues” on you. You can buy them for 1000-2000 won for a pack of 20-30 in any of the popular convenience stores (CU, Gs25, 7-11). about 1/3 of the washrooms I went to there was NO toilet paper.
  
• Carry your passport on you in a safe and secure place at all times, especially if you’re going out for drinks or trying to get into bars, as well as for instant tax refunds when you spend more than 30,000 won and applicable stores.
  
• When shopping at street vendors for clothes, bags, etc. Never buy the first one you see especially if you look like a foreigner. For example, you walk to the first stall and see a handbag you like, but you don’t see a price, that price when you ask may or may not change depending on how the owner feels at that moment. I often saw bags being told to customers at say 40,000 won, but a few stalls down had a price tag for the same bag at 15,000 won.
  
• when looking for places to eat, IF you don’t plan on looking up restaurant reviews on your phone, it’s always safer to choose places that are either LIST PRICES or are BUSY, or BOTH. I went into several restaurants that had no prices listed outside and were dead and they were often bad experiences. If you know what you’re going to pay, and you know other koreans find it good, then its a much safer bet.
  
• use KakaoTaxi app to call cabs whenever possible! Not only does it show you the optimal route, but it also gives you a very accurate guess of the cost, but most importantly, it lets the driver know exactly where you want to go. As someone who speaks decent korean, 90% of the time I hailed a cab and tried to tell them where to go, they could not understand even when I showed them my phone (almost all cab drivers are older men who have a very hard time seeing things on the phone). If you can’t help but hail a cab without the app, and they can’t understand where you want to go, find the nearest major subway station near your destination and tell them to go there instead.
  
• if you are enjoying nightlife at places like itaewon/hongdae, it will be IMPOSSIBLE to get a cab through KakaoTaxi app. However, there will be a lot of free cabs everywhere, unfortunately all the cab drivers are there to essentially scam people. They will ask you where you want to go and usually will tell you it will cost 40,000 won. This is a ridiculous price, you could ride in a taxi for 90 minutes for 40,000 won, but they will ask you for that even if its a 5 minute drive. I’m not 100% sure whats best to do in this scenario so if any koreans can help out please leave a comment. Personally, I was able to find a driver who would take me anywhere for 15-20,000 won each time.
  
• always bring AT LEAST 2 credit cards (1 visa, 1 MC for example), most places my first CC would work fine, but many times it would not work and I had to use a different CC. Also ALWAYS have adequate cash on you in case all your cards fail.
  
• there are almost NO public garbage cans in korea (private property like malls is no problem), so most people leave their trash anywhere or in piles on the side of the street. I would bring a small trash bag to carry around if you dont like littering.
  
• if you quickly need smaller bills and don’t want to go around stores asking for change, there are arcades almost everywhere especially at major tourist zones, and they all have “change dispensers” that can turn 50,000 won notes into 10,000s, and 10,000s into 1000s, and even 1000s into 500 coins if you need
  
• when calling a taxi on KakaoTaxi its best to wait at a place thats easy to pick you up. For example on the correct side of the main road, otherwise the taxi may have to do several loops to get to you and in some cases to avoid doing this the driver may try to message or call you, and if you dont know Korean then you cannot respond and no one likes a grumpy taxi driver. Also, its simply cheaper and faster for you
  
• at many tourist places (ESPECIALLY at the fish market), vendors will try to convince you to come buy at their stall or come into their restaurant etc. Personally, I have dealt with a lot of this overseas and will simply ignore them and continue walking and would recommend you do as well. There are plenty of vendors who are not pushy with cheapebetter products.
  
• if using the KTX high speed train to get from city to city, remember to prebook your tickets on the korail website up to 30 days before the trip, also remember they are not return tickets so you must book both trips separately.
  

Random thoughts:

• you will probably spend more cash than you think. This is one thing I wasn’t prepared for as everyone was saying you basically don’t need cash. If you’re like me and enjoy streetfood and arcades, etc, then it would be good to get a good chunk of cash out, especially since your CCs could fail and you may need to pay in cash. Traveling with myself and my girlfriend we still ended up spending about $600+ CAD during the trip
  
• as early as 2 months ago I saw comments saying myeongdong was "still dead", and I don't know how it was pre pandemic, but when I was there it was extremely busy. To the point you had to constantly stop and wait for people to keep walking through.
  

I will continue to edit and post more things as I think of them, if you have any questions then feel free to comment and I'll reply!

Wrote some stuff down in a Google Doc every night, so it ended up being super long and rambly. Hopefully I was able to cut it down at least a little bit. I wasn't sure if I could leave references to individual businesses or Airbnb experiences in, so please let me know if I need to remove those.
I planned this trip 2 weeks before I had to leave, so I was in a huge rush. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without everyone’s help here and on the Discord! It was my first time traveling solo, so I was a little more neurotic about it than usual. Also I don’t know how accurate the steps/distance on iOS is, but I figure there’s enough internal consistency to compare between days.
Some personal highlights
Tokyo

• Check out some listening bars if you’re down for a low key night with more of a focus on listening to music than socializing: Grandfather’s, Bar Martha, Bar Track, Ginza Music Bar
• Yoshikami is a pretty interesting (albeit pricey) place for dinner. It’s apparently been there since the 1960s and has a nice diner vibe.

Kyoto

• Otagi Nenbutsuji, Adashino Nenbutsuji, and Nanzenji were my personal favorites.
• Fu-ka near Ginkakuji for fantastic omurice.

Osaka

• I loved Osaka in general for its mixture of being laidback with big city vibe
• Izakaya crawl with Taka was amazing (https://www.airbnb.com/experiences/1018635). It’s true that you can plan a night of izakayas for free, but honestly I found the cost pretty worth it. Taka was a really cool guy and made for an incredibly memorable night.
• Okonomiyaki Chitose for okonomiyaki. Great food and great staff.

Monday, May 29 - arriving in Tokyo

• 3pm - Haneda Airport arrival. Withdrew money after immigration, picked up Suica card, then traveled to Ueno Station (close to hostel) to pick up JR Pass due to 1 hour line at airport. In hindsight, I obviously should’ve gotten the JR Pass the following day, but I was jetlagged and exhausted and wasn’t thinking. When I arrived at the hostel, I ended up falling asleep and decided to just start my trip officially the following morning.

Reflections If you’re an anxious planner or traveler like me, definitely don’t plan anything specific on the first day. There’s a good chance your plans will get derailed. The JR Pass line at the airport is often super long and if you can, try to stop by an office close to where you’re staying or near one of your stops.
Walked: 6540 steps / 3.1 miles
Tuesday, May 30 - Tokyo (Akihabara)

• 7am - Yoshinoya for breakfast (Random, but I wanted to try all 3 of the big gyudon places by the end of the trip just because. Even as a big completionist, this wasn’t worth it at all.)
• 8am - Walked around Ueno Park, then Ameya Yokocho.
• 11am - Gyukatsu Motomura for lunch at Ameyoko, which was absolutely incredible.
• 12pm - Walked around Akihabara and checked out the “Weird vending machines” on Google Maps. It was definitely weird. Would recommend if you’re kind of drawn to weird shit, and the hostel staff found it super entertaining when I showed them everything.
• 3pm - I ended up moving through Akihabara pretty fast (I have a bad habit of not being able to take my time with these things). I decided to stop by some places in Ginza, like the Sembikiya flagship store and the Okuno building (Room 306).
• 6pm - I was still pretty jetlagged, so I ate some dinner with people at the hostel and hung out with the hostel residents and staff.
• 10:30pm - Stopped by a convenience store to grab something for breakfast the next morning.

Reflections
Having a list of restaurants or specific foods (e.g. tempura, okonomiyaki) to pull from can be super helpful in being slightly flexible/spontaneous but also settling some of your (my) neuroticism. I had planned to check out Gyukatsu Motomura elsewhere but since it’s a chain and I had no idea what to eat, it helped me make a decision for lunch.
It can be a good idea to have an “overflow list” of things to do in certain areas. I thought I’d spend more time in Akihabara but I think I was still getting the hang of traveling/exploring without rushing around.
Walked: 27728 steps / 12.9 miles
Wednesday, May 31 - Kyoto (Nishiki Market / Department Store food floors / Kiyomizu-dera) * 7:30am - Shinkansen from Tokyo to Kyoto * 10:15am - Walked to hostel and suitcase wheels ripped off on the way there (still left it there for storage). Original plan was to wander Nishiki Market and the food floors for Takashimaya Department Store and Fujii Daimaru, which I did for a bit. Then got a new suitcase at the large tax free store a block down, and walked back to the hostel to put my suitcase there. * 3pm - Check in with a new suitcase and head to Kiyomizudera. Three hours was more than enough time for me to wander around Sannenzaka, Ninnenzaka, and Kiyomizu-dera. I’m also not someone that is great at lingering to stop and smell the roses, though. * 6:30pm - Try to line up for Menya Inoichi. The line was already closed for dinner, so I stopped by Nakau for some fast gyudon/tonkatsu instead.
Reflections
Have backup plans for your meals, list out some ideas in the area but expect some of those to be derailed.
You might need an eye mask even if you splurge on a private room in a hostel. The blinds were paper thin here so I woke up at like 4-5am.
Walked: 26290 steps / 12.2 miles
Thursday, June 1 - Kyoto (Arashiyama / Ginkakuji / Philosopher’s Path / Eikan-do / Nanzenji / Gion) This was the day I was prepared to walk the most because of the itinerary. It ended up being pretty packed, but I think it worked out decently well. Both of these things would’ve been better off unrushed as maybe 2/3 of a full day, so I would’ve split this up into 2 days if I could have.

• 7am - Breakfast at a convenience store, then taxi to Otagi Nenbutsuji at 7:30am (opens at 8). It isn’t the cheapest option, but there also isn’t a great alternative. It was pretty empty and a great place to start the day.
• 9am - Walked to Adashino Nenbutsuji, which was also fairly empty but had a beautiful bamboo area that honestly was basically as good as the Arashiyama grove for pictures.
• 10am - Walked to Tenryuji, which included the Saga-Toriimoto Preserved Street along the way, then did the Arashiyama Walking Tour from Inside Kyoto, which was a great way to see a little bit of everything (https://www.insidekyoto.com/arashiyama-bamboo-grove-guide-walking-tour).
• 12:30pm - Walking tour led me to Togetsukyo Bridge, where I could easily bus over to the Ginkakuji area.
• 1:30pm - Grabbed lunch at Fu-ka, which was a small restaurant run by some very sweet people. The omurice there was amazing, and I would definitely love to go there again someday.
• 2pm - Ginkakuji -> Philosopher’s Path -> Eikan-do -> Nanzenji -> Gion. I was definitely not prepared for how much stuff there was to do at Nanzenji in particular! I definitely could’ve spent 2-3 hours there even rushing around. I ended up not being able to check out the inside of Nanzen-in and the big gate because I ran out of time. Upstairs from the Nanzenji arches there is a great walk to leave Nanzenji when you’re all done (Nanzenji Suirokaku). It takes you past a power station, and then down some abandoned railroad tracks.
• 5:30pm - Went to check out Gion and Pontocho. I couldn’t figure out what to eat for dinner, so I thought I’d give Menya Inoichi another shot. It was pretty early but the line was closed again. There was an amazing fried chicken place nearby called Loco Chicken (would definitely recommend too!)
• 7pm - Checked out Yasaka Shrine and Gion again now that the sun was down. It was nice but admittedly underwhelming after all the amazing temples I had seen. I was originally going to go to an izakaya for the night or experience some nightlife, but I was pretty tired and decided to call it a night.

Reflections
Even if you’re a rusher like I am, Nanzenji especially can take some time. Otagi Nenbutsuji and Adashino Nenbutsuji are a little out of the way, but definitely worth it. The preserved street isn’t all that exciting, but it is along the way from Adashino Nenbutsuji to Tenryuji.
Menya Inoichi apparently closes pretty damn early wtf, possibly due to running out of their limited supply of wagyu. Loco Chicken was suuuuper good though. I guess there see a lot of great food options and planning meals in advance should only be if there’s a restaurant I really want to stop by (e.g. Fu-ka).
Walked: 33577 steps / 16.4 miles
Friday, June 2 - Kyoto / Nara / Osaka

• 7am - Got up to go to Fushimi Inari Taisha. We were on the edge of a typhoon (apparently the landslide zones of Kizugawa were being evacuated?) so it was pouring rain, which meant it was really empty on the actual walk to the summit.
• 10am - Kintetsu train to Nara Park. It was pouring there too, but the deer were still out and about to get their food from visitors. I was a little tired at this point since my feet were soaked through, so I went to check out Todaiji and only took a brief walk around Nara Park before heading to my hostel in Osaka, so I could get my shoes washed and dried at a nearby laundromat.
• 8pm - I did an Airbnb bar crawl (https://www.airbnb.com/experiences/4388157) in the Dotonburi area which was awesome as a solo traveler because I got the chance to meet other people much more easily and check out some local spots I realistically wouldn’t have gone to (or at least navigated easily). The guide was fantastic and fun, and it was a really nice way to get an introduction to Osaka nightlife. I would definitely recommend doing this on your first night if you want to spend some time in Dotonburi! You can find the listing for that one here: . One of the places we stopped by was called the Misono building, which had a bunch of interesting and quirky bars.

Walked: 27023 steps / 12.4 mi
Saturday, June 3 - Osaka (shopping streets and Dotonburi)

• 10am - Took a look around Denden Town and all the different streets in Osaka near Dotonburi (Kuromon Ichiba, Hozenji Yokocho, Ebisu Bashi-Suji, Shinsaibashisuji). I also stopped by the Ebisu Tower Ferris Wheel, which was nice but also not something I’d consider a must-do activity. I imagine it might be even cooler at night when the lights are all on.
• 6pm - I did another izakaya crawl here, and it was AMAZING (https://www.airbnb.com/experiences/1018635)! The guide, Taka, has lived all around the world and has some incredible stories to tell about his life. He worked on farms in remote places in Australia, for instance, that even the Aussie guests were astounded to hear about. The vibe was definitely a lot more chill and not super conservative, if that makes any sense. It was the kind of environment where all the guests felt comfortable asking him how to swear in Japanese after the first round of drinks. If you’re not super uptight about stuff and want the feeling of local nightlife with some friends, this is a must-do in my opinion! Taka was such a cool guy and this was an unforgettable once-in-a-lifetime experience. We stopped by to do some karaoke at the end, which I felt was mandatory since we were at its birthplace.

Reflections
Taka brought us to one of the streets that I completely missed in my research, which was Tenshinbashi-sushi. It’s supposedly the longest shopping arcade in all of Japan, at 2.6km long. Definitely something to check out!
Walked: 25782 / 11.8 miles
Sunday, June 4 - Osaka (Shinsekai, Abeno Harukas)

• 10:30am - Was starting to get pretty tired by this point so I slept in again, and got to Shinsekai around 10:30. I realized how much I loved the vibe of Osaka, which seemed much more laidback than the other big cities. I remember there was an adorable off leash puppy walking around one of the shopping streets, and a bunch of old people pulled out their phones and started chasing it down to take cute pictures. I might be totally off the mark from my few days’ impression of other big cities, but that just felt kind of unique to me.
• 11:15am - Lined up outside Okonomiyaki Chitose so I could get food there when they opened. Fantastic okonomiyaki, and the owner and staff were super great as well. They chatted with me a bit and joked around with each other while making the food in front of us. Great experience.
• 1pm - Went to Tsutenkaku to look around and check out the viewing area. It also had this big slide that you could pay to go down, which was quite fun too.
• 2:30pm - Walked over to Abeno Harukas to check out the observatory here. The view was fantastic and they also had a fun little VR bungee jump station where they put you on a tilt table and simulate a jump from the observatory area. Didn’t have time to check out the helipad because I had a timed ticket for the aquarium (which didn’t end up being necessary, it wasn’t super busy at this time).
• 4:30pm - Osaka Aquarium! I honestly considered skipping this and I don’t think it was absolutely unmissable, but it was a fun time. I really tried to take my time here but it only took 2 hours.
• 6:30pm - Grabbed dinner at nearby Tempozan Marketplace, then went on the Tempozan Ferris Wheel (waited for one of the clear bottom carriages). Another fun activity that I wouldn’t categorize as a must-do, but definitely worth it if you’re in the area.

Walked: 20954 / 9.6 miles
Monday, June 5 - Hakone This is the part of the trip that I embarrassingly botched, but considering I had less than 2 weeks to plan the whole thing while working full time, I’m trying not to give myself too much shit for it.

• 10:30am - Arrive at Odawara Station and leave luggage in locker there (packed a day bag). Transfer to the train that will eventually take me to Gora Station
• 12pm - Gora Station. Grab a quick lunch at some random cafe and walk over to the Open Air Museum.
• 2pm - Realized I spent too long at the museum and rush to continue the loop. Spend about 30-45 minutes at Owakudani.
• 3:50pm - End up waiting at Togendai until 4:25pm for the next pirate ship.
• 4:50pm - Arrive at Motohakone and decide I’ll do the quick walk to Hakonemachi and catch a cab to my ryokan (checkin before 6 if I want to make it in time for dinner). My big mistake here was not noticing that the taxi stand was empty already by this time.
• 5:10pm - Realize I’ve screwed myself at Hakonemachi and decide to take the Tozan Bus to another major stop to get a taxi. Yunnessen seemed like a good bet but the taxi stand was once again totally empty. Ended up wandering around for about 20 minutes and managed to flag a stray taxi.
• 6pm - Check in and realize my dumb ass accidentally booked without the dinner option and that I could’ve taken the long way to the ryokan after all.
• 7pm - Stop by a nearby kaiseki place for dinner. They seemed a bit wary about having me eat there and really emphasized that this was a set menu that took a long time (probably had bad experiences with tourists in the past?).
• 8pm - Get cleaned up and head to the onsen before bed

Walked: 17975 / 8.2 miles
Reflections If you really want to stay in Hakone for only one night and one day, I would recommend checking into your hotel/ryokan the night before and relaxing there, which gives you the next full day for exploring the city. YMMV of course since I did get to Hakone in the late morning, but I think doing the loop then ryokan will inevitably feel like it’s cutting into ryokan time.
Even though the Hakone transportation system is great, things like the Tozan Bus line can have long lines and alternative/workaround routes like in the big cities don’t really exist. Tight schedules are tough to stick to, and I nearly got stranded because I stood at one of the taxi stops around 5pm and it became clear that no one was going to be coming by.
Booking.com has a lot of ryokans listed as minimum 2 people (I just bit the bullet and decided to splurge), but the staff at Senkyoro were confused about why I paid for 2 instead of 1. Could be good to try to check with the ryokan directly in case you can save some money when booking.
Tuesday, June 6 - Tokyo (Shinjuku, Shibuya)

• 6:30am - Leave for Odawara Station because I had to meet with a relative in the morning (like I said, definitely could’ve scheduled this better). Definitely misplanned this leg of the trip, and didn’t maximize my time in Hakone at all.
• 10:30am - After dropping off luggage at Asakusa Station locker near my hostel, met up at Shinjuku Gyoen, then walked around and grabbed lunch at Omoide Yokocho. Also stopped by Kabukicho and Golden Gai just to look around.
• 1:30pm - Originally planned to spend more time at Shinjuku and go to Shibuya the following day but I realized I didn’t have anything left to do. Walked to Shibuya and checked out the Hachiko Statue and Harajuku. Stopped by Iyoshi Cola. Shibuya Sky tickets were sold out so I had to come back the following day for my original reservation.
• 5pm - Hang out at Grandfather’s before dinner. Great place for people interested in listening bars!
• 6pm - Head back to my hostel (K’s House Tokyo Oasis) to check in, then swing over to Sensoji and Nakamise-dori to check out at night.
• 7:30pm - Grab dinner at Yoshikami, a Japanese style Western restaurant. Had a really good beef stew and cream corn potage. Went here in passing but would definitely recommend stopping by if you’re in the area.

Walked: 27632 / 12.8 miles
Wednesday, June 7 - Tokyo (Shibuya Sky, Akihabara, Bar Martha/Track) I spent a good chunk of my life in Shanghai, China, so I think the appeal of the big city stuff was a little lost on me (not a huge big city guy). In hindsight, I definitely didn’t need to allocate this many days for Tokyo. I definitely should’ve gone further to other areas for day trips that were recommended on the Discord, like Shimokitazawa, Jiyuugaoka, Koenji, Kamakura/Enoshima, Honmonji Ikegami, Yokohama, Nikko, or Fujikamaguchiko.

• 10am - Slept in and explored Nakamise-dori a bit after. Grabbed an early lunch and headed over to Shibuya for my Shibuya Sky reservation.
• 12:40pm - Shibuya Sky for a little over an hour. I wouldn’t consider a must-do, but it’s definitely a nice spot to get a good view of the city. Pretty similar vibe to Abeno Harukas (Harukas 300).
• 2pm - Headed to Akihabara to mess around for a little more and get some gifts for friends. Checked out all the different arcades and peeked at some rhythm gamers in their element.
• 6pm - Headed to Ebisu to grab dinner. Found a Japanese style Italian restaurant called “Uncle Tom” (Google translated name), used Google Lens to translate the photos of the menu and just pointed and ordered.
• 7pm - Stopped by Bar Martha, which was one of my personal must-sees. Some of the reviews online were pretty scathing, and I’m not sure if the staff have just mellowed out in recent years or the reviewers lacked self-awareness, but it was a great experience. You’re not allowed to talk too loudly or otherwise be disruptive (or take photos), but that’s really just your typical listening bar. The Tannoys sounded fantastic!
• 8pm - Went to Bar Track to check it out as well. A little bit more laidback than Bar Martha but with the same rules. Also a great spot.

Walked: 21181 steps / 10.3 miles
Thursday, June 8 - Tokyo

• 10am - Stopped by Tsukiji Outer Market to check it out. There was a fruit stall that sold a cup of Shine muscat grapes for about 2000 yen (super expensive but worth it just to try - they really were pretty amazing). Ended up meeting up with someone on the Discord for lunch, and we wandered Ginza for the Uniqlo and Muji flagship stores.
• 3pm - Split up with Discord buddy because he wanted to head to Shibuya but I had dinner reservations at 5pm. Wandered around a bit more and checked out Kabukiza and then went to Mantensushi Hibiya for 5pm omakase.
• 7pm - Went to Ginza Music Bar. A little difficult to find but very much worth the visit. It was relatively empty but it was a fantastic spot to round out my listening bar visits. It had a little more of a typical bar-like atmosphere but the music and sound system were just as amazing.
• 8pm - Head back to hostel to pack. Grabbed some last second ramen at Asakusashoten on the way back. Needed to be a little more intentional about cash usage here because I wanted to use it all up before leaving. After factoring in my subway and Skyliner costs, I ended up with 210 yen in my pocket and 7 yen in my Welcome Suica (I really should’ve just gotten a regular one) the next morning before my flight, and spent 200 yen at one of the massage chairs in Narita.

Walked: 19530 / 8.9 miles
Thursday, June 9 - Flight out from Tokyo

So this is a list of the podcast episodes Shaffir listened as ones he particularly liked as he is now ending the show.
There's also direct links to 0-200 as a comment below Enjoi.
First 100:

37: The Nuthouse (Brody Stevens):

"Steven Brody Stevens stopped by Skeptic Tank Studios (my apartment) to share the details of his 17 day stay in the psyche ward at UCLA. It took us, like, 30 minutes to get into the topic, but eventually we did. We diverged a lot into a really cool discussion about perspective on life and how you can fall into a negative and self sabotaging way of thinking about things."

40: Prostitutti Frutti (Miss X):

An upscale prostitute came to the Skeptic Tank to share with us about her job. It was one of the most interesting conversations I've had in a very long time. She was open and honest and very friendly. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did.

50: Buddhism (Duncan Trussell):

Duncan Trussell and I shared a ride out to Brea, CA to do shows at the Brea Improv. Duncan has always been into Buddhism and I figured what better time to talk about modern Buddhism than on a ride to the Inland Empire. It was a really interesting talk and it completely enlightened me to the humongous differences between that and the Judeo-Christian religions in regards to daily life. Enjoy.

73: Love Scam (Sarah Tiana):

Sarah Tiana met me at the Comedy Store to talk about her crazy experience with love in the Middle East. It's sort of a sad story. We're comics, so it was still funny, but it was still really sad at the same time. So it averages out to sort of sad.

80: Chester the Molester (Dale Dudley):

"Dale Dudley came over to my hotel room in Austin, TX to shoot the shit and talk about his childhood molestation. It's way more fun than the subject matter. This is a really good, honest, and funny podcast. It's exactly what I envisioned when I started the Skeptic Tank."

79a: We Are Anonymous (Luke Harder, Star_Fawkes):

Luke Harder and Star_Fawkes met me at the Comedy Store to talk about Anonymous. It was a really enlightening conversation. I think we all got the wrong idea about these guys. This is one to spread around.

79b: We Are Anonymous:

@Anonyphant and @Star_Fawkes came back to the Comedy Store to finish off our conversation about Anonymous. It was a really interesting and enlightening conversations and one of my favorite podcasts I've done. They're not out to get us, you guys. They're here to help us. They are us. We are Anonymous.

92: Caddyshack (Greg Fitzsimmons, Steve Simeone, Greg's hyper dog):

Greg Fitzsimmons had me over to his garage to tell me about his days as a caddy. I had no idea any other comedian had ever worked on a golf course. It's a strange community and it was an enexpected treat to be able to talk about it.

99: Scrappy Doo w Greg Fitzsimmons:

Greg Fitzsimmons had me over to his garage to tell me how much he loves to fight. Not organized fights. Just fights. Just regular, two dudes don't know each other and then one is punching the other, fights. It's a pretty fun podcast. What he does in the car is hard for me to wrap my head around.

95: Childless (Dom Irrera):

Dom Irrera met me at the Laugh Factory to talk about not having children. Dom is one of the only guys I know who has gone through most of his life while avoiding parenthood and we talked all about what that's like. It was a great podcast with an amazing comedian. Twitter him at @DomIrrera.

100: Deliverance (Ryan O'Neill, Jeff Danis, George Saint Pierre, Nate Diaz, Ari Shaffir):

Jeff Danis and Ryan O'Neill came by my apartment to talk about their jobs as grocery delivery drivers. Oh my god, there were so many hilarious stories. They're both comedians from the Comedy Store and their job is so ridiculous. For delivery drivers, there's a shocking amount of talk about nipples and Down syndrome.

104: The Art of War with Greg Jackson and Kevin Christy:

Greg Jackson of Greg Jackson's MMA met me in a hotel room in Vegas a few hours before UFC 156. Greg has always asked me about standup comedy and how comics will handle different situations. After some time he told me why he was so interested. He sees similarities between all art forms. He tries to find universal truths that apply to many art forms so he can apply that knowledge to MMA fight theory. It's really fascinating stuff. We've been talking about this stuff for years now and it's so interesting to me. If, like me, you thought everyone associated with cage fighting were meatheads, you're about to get a beautiful reminder of how people from all walks of life can offer you growth and knowlege.

105: Going Blind (Tom Segura):

Tom Segura invited me to go to his new Barbie Malibu Beach House so we could talk about masturbating. Just two best bro dudes intimately talking about making their penises shoot out loads of semen. And then somewhere at the end we talked about drunk driving. I don't think we ever talked about masturbating while drunk driving but we should have at least brought it up, huh?

115: Heroin - Down In A Hole (Donovan Pee):

Donovan Pee met me in my hotel room in Vancouver to talk about Heroin. Donovan was a heavy heroin user and lived on the streets of one of the most drug addicted blocks in North America. He was involved with the drug for decades and has only recently gotten away from it. It's a fascinating look at the life and exactly the kind of thing I like for this podcast.

113: Lefty Liberty (Jimmy Dore):

Jimmy Dore came by my slop haven of an apartment to tell me the truth about politics. I've never been very political, but lately I've started to become increasingly angrier about how little representation the average citizen has. Jimmy was always into the leftist side of things and he did a great job of explaining the problems with how things are run. And Mat Edgar joins me for the intro and outro to talk about Shroomfest and to share a few extra stealing stories that he forgot to mention on "Klepto."

120: Shroomfest 2013 w Tony Hinchcliffe, Mat Edgar, Pete Cornacchione:

Tony Hinchcliffe, Mat Edgar, Pete Cornacchione, and I spent Shroomfest together this year. We drove out to Joshua Tree, ate some shrooms, and wandered out into the wilderness. And then we had, what I believe, is probably the first podcast recorded at Joshua Tree National Park.

122: Exspecially Cutting:@JustyDodge

Justy Dodge came over to my New York apartment on the hottest day of the summer. We talked about her various mental disorders but centered on cutting. Justy is a New York based standup who spent her teens in and out of rehab for self mutilation. It was a great conversation despite a couple of her white trash words slipping out.

123: You Know What Dad (Robert Kelly):

Robert Kelly invited me over to his beautiful Manhattan apartment so we could talk about becoming a father. He had his first son 45 days ago and we had a nice discussion about what it was like. It was nice for me to hear how a former degenerate like Robert could transform himself into the type of dad that won't get child services called on him.

124: Rape & Eggs (Kathleen McGee):

Kathleen McGee invited me over to the apartment she was staying in while we were in Winnipeg together and we talked about her rape. It's about as lighthearted a conversation as possible considering the subject matter. This is kind of what this podcast is all about. Stark, realistic views of the world told in funny ways. Enjoy.

133: Fuck the Government (Dave Smith):

Dave Smith came over to my apartment so we could talk about this growing disillusionment I'm experiencing with our federal government. Dave is a devout libertarian and he knows a lot more of the facts than I do, so we discussed a lot of where we've gone wrong and where our politicians and generals have betrayed the will of its people. Listen to it now, because when the revolution comes, downloading podcasts won't be easy.

134: Maniac (John F. O'Donnell):

John F O'Donnell met me in Bushwick to talk about his manic depressive disorder. He's gone off the deep end a few times in his life and we got into it all. How it started, what happens, how it's affected him. It was a fun podcast that only got interrupted a couple times by a gang of 8 year old handball punks.

141: Happiness (@SteveSimeone) by AriShaffir:

Steve Simeone invited me over to his place while I was in LA and we talked about happiness. It started off being a conversation about being broke, but it quickly shifted as it became evident that Steve's poverty level was no longer the main influence on his mood. We talked about girls, and about family, and about giganitic boobs. But at its base, it's just a couple of buddies hanging out.

142: Gender Bender (Lauren Hennessy):

Lauren Hennessy came over to my NY apartment to tell me about what it's like to be a he/she. Lauren is a boy trapped in a girl's body. He's been that way since he was born. And you think you had it tough. Don't worry, this didn't get too serious or sad. Just two dudes talking about one of the dude's vaginas.

151: Ass Burger (@AutisticThunder):

Josh Meyrowitz came over to my LA apartment to talk to Mat Edgar and me about asperger's syndrome. I've been hearing about it ever since I was little but I've never met anyone with it until Josh. He's a little different than they way it's usually portrayed on TV. Maybe that's the comic side of him. Anyway, fun conversations on an interesting condition.

152: The Streetz, USA (Doc Willis):

Doc Willis met me at the Comedy Store to talk about his days slinging rock on the streets of Detroit. That's right, when Doc was 14 (What? 14? Yes, 14) he was in a gang and sold drugs to make a living. We go into who his customers were, all the violence, what makes someone hard, and much, much more. It's a really good episode. Enjoy.

157: Divorce, of Course:

"Jacob Sirof and Sherry Sirof (nee East) each had me over to their places of residence to talk about the divorce that they're going through right now. First I went to Moshe Kasher's old place where Jacob is staying. Then a week later I went to their old apartment to talk to Sherry about the same topic. It's an interesting view into two sides of a disolution of the bond of marriage."

159: Thrilled (@TomSegura):

"Tom Segura had me over to his palatial beach house to do an in depth analysis of his first album, Thrilled. It was a hilarious album and I'm glad he was able to give an inside look at how the bits came to be, his delivery style, and the problems he has looking back at the album. We treat it kind of academically. It's something I'd like to see a lot more comics do in the future and I'm so happy Tom was willing to do it here. The standup will be hilarious and the analysis will be instructive."

169: Blacklanta with Big Jay Oakerson and Ms. Pat:

Ms. Pat joined me in a park in Brooklyn (maybe Park Slope? No, that seems wrong) to tell me about what it was like growing up in the hood in Atlanta. Spoiler alert: It was way different than how I grew up in the suburbs of Maryland. It's a story of teen pregnancies, gunshot wounds, and Jimmy Carter..

170: HIV for Victory w Jeff Scott:

"Jeff Scott had me over to his West Hollywood apartment to tell me the story of his HIV. How he got it, how he's managed to live with it for 30 years, how it's affected his life, how he's been treated by others, and about the friends he's lost. It's one of the most interesting podcasts I've done. You should share it with everybody."

173: Beijingaling (@DesBishop, @ComicDaveSmith):

Des Bishop met me in a park in Beijing to tell me all about China. Des is a comic from Ireland by way of New York and he moved to Beijing a couple of years ago to learn Mandarin to try to do standup for Chinese people. He came as an outsider and after almost 2 years there, he's made quite a few observations about the country and about Beijing in particular. What a cool thing about podcasts that I can record these with minimal effort on the other side of the planet. Dave Smith joins me for the intro and outro.

183: Popo (@MarkDemayo):

Mark Demayo came over to my apartment this week. We drank some beers and talked about his 20 years as a policeman in New York. It was a fun, open conversation. I asked him a ton of questions about what being a cop is like and Mark answered everything. Fun podcast.

197: Injection Protection (Morgan Black):

Morgan Black met me in my hotel room in Vancouver to talk about his job at Insite. Insite is the safe injection place on Hastings Street in Vancouver. It's a place in heroin alley where junkies can go to get clean needles and they can use those needls to shoot up in a place that's supervised by people like Morgan. He watches over them to make sure they don't overdose. If they begin to, it's up to him to try and save them. He's seen a lot since he's been there and he shares it here.

203: Prison Rules (Ali Siddiq)

Ali Siddiq met me at the Comedy Store to talk about prison. I always knew prison life was hard, but damn. I didn't know about all of this. Ali spent 6 years locked away with some of the most violent criminals in Texas. This is a great episode and really fun and interesting.

216: Tenement (Nick Mullen):

"Nick Mullen met me at my in New York to talk about his illegal living situation. Nick is a funny young comic who literally lives in tenement housing. We talked all about it and got into some existential stuff about comedy. And we took a fun walk around the Bowery to see his garbage neighborhood full of chuds."

219: Khob Khun Krap with Pete C:

"Pete Cornacchione and I sat down outside the airport in Chiang Mai, Thailand to talk about all the things we saw out there. We did so much that we couldn't even fit it into one episode. So we just talked about mainland Thailand. Phuket, Bangkok, and Chiang Mai. Man, did we do a crapload of stuff. Join us on our podcast..."

223: Palsy with Davey Wester:

Davey Wester trekked his way across Manhattan to my apartment to talk to me about his cerebral palsy. Davey is a Comedy Store comic from way back. We've had a couple CP comics there over the years and this is actually the first time I really talked to any of them about the condition. Surprisingly fun discussion based on the topic. And some good Gallagher stuff. Ian Edwards and Zara Mizrahi join me from Bonnaroo for the introduction.

224: Take Me Out To The Ball Game (@PaulMorrissey):

Paul Morrissey and I went to a Yankee game to talk about baseball. We got seats right behind the visitor's bullpen and we did a podcast from right there. We started on the walk to the subway, continued on the train a little, got lost some, got inside, met some Jews, had a dog, met some more people, and watched some more baseball. It was a great day.

227: The Herp (@JoeListComedy):

"Joe List met me in Central Park on a beautiful summer day to have a wonderful talk about herpes. Joe's got it. He's open about it. And he answered everything you wanted to know abou tit. If you already have it, you'll relate. If you are going to get it soon, this will help you when you get unlucky. If you never get it. Congrats. Let's bone."

235: First Responder; A 9/11 Story (Cris Italia):

9/11 was a terrible day in American history. This is one story of the many stories of that day. Cris Italia was a volunteer EMT and was around the corner when the first plane hit. By the time the second plane hit, he was already at ground zero, helping. It's a heartbreaking story of what happened to one man the day America stopped being invincible.

256: Take a Hike (@TheoVon):

Theo Von met me at a secret hike in LA to do a walking podcast about hiking. Theo's a hilarious comic but he's also hiked Mount Kilimanjaro. I climb hills, bro. Hills. He climbed a giant mountain. It was a fun talk and it really puts you in the place where we were. I love these "on-location" podcasts.

257: Money For Nothing (2 anonymous defense contractors):

"Two US Army defense contractors met me in a secret location in America to discuss what it's like to go work for the government on foreign soils. They both work as contractors in stations all over the world and they gave a first hand account of how much waste goes into our imperialism. It was an interesting look into the life of a hired grunt in the middle of a war zone."

262 Cleavage Day @Gary Vider:

"Gary Vider met me in Central Park to walk around and gawk at women for Cleavage Day. Cleavage Day is the first weekend day over 70 degrees in New York. It takes place in every city that has a real winter. It's that magical day when all the skin comes out of hiding. Women are showing cleavage and legs and stomach left and right. It's just a magical time to be a heterosexual man or a homosexual woman. So come join us on our bosomy adventure in New York."

265: Knife Hits in Alaska (@DanSoder):

"Dan Soder came over to my place to tell me all about the summer he spent working in a cannery in Alaska. The people he worked with were straight deigns without even realizing it. This might be the best summer job of all time."

270: NY Pizza Party (@NotAlexis):

Alexis Guerreros took me on a pizza tour of New York. He's a standup comic but he runs these tours for extra cash and he took me on one, showing me his favorite of 3 different styles of pizza. Pizza and New York have a storied connection and Alexis explained how that all came up, the deal with 1 dollar slices, and even where pizza originated. It's an on location style podcast through the streets of Manhattan and Brooklyn. Join us for a delicious slice. "

276: "Running" Of The Bulls (@KaiHumphries, @MiloComedy, @Daniel_Sloss):

Kai Humphries, Milo McCabe, and Daniel Sloss met me at the Abattoir comedian's bar in Edinburgh, Scotland to tell me their harrowing tale of cheating death at the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. This was a super fun story! You gotta go to arithegreat.com for this one to look at the pictures. They're CRAZY. Guest appearances by random comedy people trying to distract us with booze."

277: Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost (@HenryRollins):

Henry Rollins met me in a hotel cafe in Edinburgh, Scotland to talk about travel. Henry goes all over the globe. He really likes to get off the beaten path and explore new places. I thought I liked seeing things, but Rollins takes it to a whole new level. He goes places I've never even heard of, met people I didn't know existed, done things I'd be too scared to do. It was such a fun conversation and it filled me with wanderlust.

281: The Reyk (@AriEldjarn):

Ari Eldjarn and I drove around in Iceland and did a podcast about that beautiful country while we did. Ari is a comedian in Reykjavik. One of the first comedians, to be more precise. He and I hung out for 3 days while I was there and so we got on the mics in his car and I just asked him questions about his country for a while. It's one of those road trip episodes I do sometimes. So, come sit in the back, don't interrupt us, and eavesdrop on our conversation.

282: Aunt Flo (@Aiapalucci, @Stollemcache, @AmberSmelson):

Amber Nelson, Sarah Tollemache, and Adrian Iapalucci came to my apartment to tell me about periods. And I mean all about it. About the blood flow, about PMS, about cramps, about period diarrhea, all of it. It's for sure gonna make some dudes feel uncomfortable, but it was really interesting to me. But I eat my own boogers, so maybe I'm not the best judge of what's too much. Either way, it was a really funny conversation with three comics on the subject of menses.

284: #BertIsFat (@BertKreischer):

Bert Kreischer came to my apartment while he was in New York and we talked about who was fatter; him or Tom Segura. Bert made some solid cases for his side of things but most of those cases were made with a full chicken wing in between his two front teeth, so grain of salt I guess.

288: Death of a Salesman (@TimJDillon):

Tim Dillon came to my apartment to tell me about his former life in sales. He's sold everything. From mortgages to office equipment to a history of New York. Tim has hilarious stories about all of it. Fun, fun, fun podcast.

289 Tales of a Teenage Bedwetter w Mark Normand:

Mark Normand invited me to his brand new apartment to do a podcast about bedwetting. Mark and I were both very late bedwetters. So we got together and talked about what it's like to be 14 and still pissing on yourself every night. All the plastic sheets, the fear of sleepovers, what our moms had to go through. God, it was embarrassing.

290 Cave Man with John Spies:

John Spies sat down with me on the deck of the Cave Lodge in Soppong to tell me all about cave exploration and the unique life that he's built in northern Thailand. The man has lived an amazing life. And this pit stop on his way from Australia to Europe has now lasted over a quarter century.

292: Cleavage Day 2017 with Legion of Skanks:

The entire Legion of Skanks came with me on an ogling walk around Manhattan during my 2nd favorite* holiday of the year, Cleavange Day. Dave Smith, Luis J Gomez, Big Jay Oakerson and I walked as a group around the city, enjoying the rewards of the first warm day of the year. It was such a fun day! So join us on a wonderful adventure.

294 Je Zu Tin Ba De w Ryan Nanni and William Childress:

"William Childress (skip to 53:30) had me over to his homestay in Siem Reap, Cambodia to talk about Myanmar. He lived there for years. And it was the first place I went on my travels this year. So I finished seeing a temple near Angkor Wat and went to visit him so we could talk about one of my favorite countries in the world. Myanmar is amazing. See it before it gets ruined by globalism. Also, I went kind of nuts on the intro and outro. And then stay tuned after the outro because I also included a conversation I had with a 17 year old Burmese girl I met out there at a restaurant outside Inle Lake. This might be my fullest podcast ever."

298 Vagabonder w Rolf Potts:

Rolf Potts met me in Tompkins Square Park to talk to me about travel. Rolf wrote one of my favorite books of all time called Vagabonding. It's all about long term travel. It influenced the hell out of me. And I was so stoked to be able to talk about getting out there in the world with such a well worn traveler like him.

320: Take My Wife Please - Aubrey Marcus:

"Aubrey Marcus came over to my apartment and we had a really in depth discussion about open relationships. Aubrey is the most honest person I've ever met on the subject. He has truly looked inwards and examined all the angles. It's a really great discussion on the topic."

321: Let My People Go:

"Ari Shaffir comes to my apartment to tell you about Passover. All of it. Not just what you're supposed to do, but also where the holiday comes from, all the laws, the seder, what matzah tastes like. Everything. It's probably the best I've ever been in terms of not interrupting the guest. I still managed to do it a few times, but way less than normal."

323: Mitzi:

Mitzi Shore came into my life in my first 3 months of standup. I spent the next 10 years getting close with the owner of the Comedy Store. She passed away earlier this month. And I took the opportunity to share, but really to relive all the things I learned from her and all the times we had, good and terrible. She was a massive part of my development as a comedian. The most important part, really. So it's really unsettling having her gone for good. Join me as I come to terms with what Mitzi meant to me.

347: Hot tub time machine (@BertKreischer, @SteveRannazzisi, @DanishAndOneill, @MarkNorm):

Bert Kreischer, Steve Rannazzisi, Ryan O'Neill and I sat in a hot tub in Park City and talked about the past. It was the first night of a week of skiing and storytelling shows and oh what fun it was. Mark Normand joined us a couple days later and after we all got home, he and I did the intro from the Comedy Cellar in NY. It was a fun podcast and probably the least clothed 4 way podcast I've ever done. Just sitting in a jacuzzi in Utah, talking shit.

353: Modern Hippie (@Tim Ferriss):

"Tim Ferriss met me in Austin to talk about travel and art and nature and love. He's a hippie. He's what the new version of a hippie is."

361: Spange (Tall Boy):

A homeless non-binary person let me sit with her and talk about what it's like to live on the street and beg for change. Spange is a homeless term that means spare change. I think it's a verb. Anyway, that's what Tall Boy does. Spange for food money. It was interesting to hear some actual humanity from people we often see as invisible.

365: The Revolution w Adbuster Editor in Chief Kalle Lasn:

"Adbusters Editor in Chief, Kalle Lasn met me in his office at the magazine to talk to me about the revolution. I see it going down only with violence but he is far more hopeful about the ways in which we're going to change the systems in place. He's a brilliant man and it was such a treat to get to sit down with him and hear him say out loud some of the ideas he's been putting forth in Adbusters."

369: The Podfather - Brian Redban:

Brian Redban took me into his new podcast studio to talk about the early days of the podcast scene in Los Angeles. When everything was guerrilla. When it was fresh and new and nobody knew what it was gonna turn into. It was such a crazy time and Redban was right there helping form the scene. From the Joe Rogan podcast, to mine, to Segura's, and lots more, he helped build the scene from the ground up. We talked about what it was like, what podcasts have turned into, and where it's going now...

370: Troll (Milo Yiannopoulos):

Milo Yiannopoulos came over to my apartment to have one of my favorite talks ever on this podcast. It's a talk about trolling. Milo is one of the best in the world at it. This is gonna take you a week to listen to. The intro goes for 57 minutes alone. You can skip it if you want, but it's 53 minutes of content that you'll be missing about my own start in trolling. Trolls are the most maligned and misunderstood of all the world's artist. And I don't use the term "artist" lightly. Trolling is an art form. I've been looking forward to this episode for months now. And you're going to love it or ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. I hope you're the former. But if you're the latter, then we got you. You've been trolled. pWn3d.

372: ‘Roid Range (Mike Cannon):

Mike Cannon met me at Gas Digital to tell me about his old days as a total meathead who legit took steroids. I'm not even kidding. You can't believe how much of an idiot this guy was. He's normal now, but he was a juice head moron back in the day. We also talked a lot about our mutual love for underground back room poker games

405: War Stories (Jake Hanrahan):

Jake Hanrahan talked to me about conflict reporting. He goes to war zones and tries to bring back word of what's actually going on in these areas. It's crazy. He brings back tons of footage. Look at PopularFront.co and you'll see what I'm talking about. He's not even welcome in a lot of these places. Once they put him in a Turkish prison! Really interesting stuff in this one. You gotta excuse the sound a little...

407: Obsessive compulsive with Eli Sears:

Eli Sairs came over to talk to me about his OCD. He's got it bad. And it's all wrapped up with Jesus, too, which makes it even harder to deal with. The levels this guy has to go through just to make through basic life stuff is astounding. I bet he eats box really thoroughly, though. Didn't ask him about that. I wish I had.

408: The Lady With A Giant Hog (Margo Reiss @Margo_A_GoGo):

Margo Reiss came over and let me ask her all about transsexuality. I mean, super cool about it. Let me just ask anything I didn't understand and she explained what it was like to me. We got into why to chop it off or not, the bar scene, Katelyn Jenner, how hard we like to fuck, some history, and a bunch more. God, I wish you could talk to people in real life this way. We'd be so much better off as a society.

415: Baby Skeletons w/ Adrienne Iapalucci:

"We’re trying something different this week. I, Ari Shaffir, am bringing you an entire album of one of my favorite comedians in the world. For free."

438: Six Months Of Hating Men with Annie Lederman:

Annie Lederman tells me about her time as a man-hater. Annie has come out of it since then but she recounts the way she got caught up in a world of despising an entire gender and how she was able to extricate herself from that way of thinking.

and he includes the final episode

519: Talk Talk with Ron Bennington

"Ron Bennington joins me on today's episode to talk about interview style and his series Unmasked. Ron is someone whose style of interviewing I've always admired, it seemed fitting to have him on this episode."

NARRATOR: (Black screen with text; The sound of buzzing bees can be heard) According to all known laws of aviation, : there is no way a bee should be able to fly. : Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. : The bee, of course, flies anyway : because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. BARRY BENSON: (Barry is picking out a shirt) Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. : Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. JANET BENSON: Barry! Breakfast is ready! BARRY: Coming! : Hang on a second. (Barry uses his antenna like a phone) : Hello? ADAM FLAYMAN:
(Through phone) - Barry? BARRY: - Adam? ADAM: - Can you believe this is happening? BARRY: - I can't. I'll pick you up. (Barry flies down the stairs) : MARTIN BENSON: Looking sharp. JANET: Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. BARRY: Sorry. I'm excited. MARTIN: Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. : A perfect report card, all B's. JANET: Very proud. (Rubs Barry's hair) BARRY= Ma! I got a thing going here. JANET: - You got lint on your fuzz. BARRY: - Ow! That's me!
JANET: - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! (Barry flies out the door) JANET: Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! (Barry drives through the hive,and is waved at by Adam who is reading a newspaper) BARRY== - Hey, Adam. ADAM: - Hey, Barry. (Adam gets in Barry's car) : - Is that fuzz gel? BARRY: - A little. Special day, graduation. ADAM: Never thought I'd make it. (Barry pulls away from the house and continues driving) BARRY: Three days grade school, three days high school... ADAM: Those were awkward. BARRY: Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM== You did come back different. (Barry and Adam pass by Artie, who is jogging) ARTIE: - Hi, Barry!
BARRY: - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. ADAM: - Hear about Frankie? BARRY: - Yeah. ADAM== - You going to the funeral? BARRY: - No, I'm not going to his funeral. : Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. : Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. ADAM: I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. (The car does a barrel roll on the loop-shaped bridge and lands on the highway) : I love this incorporating an amusement park into our regular day. BARRY: I guess that's why they say we don't need vacations. (Barry parallel parks the car and together they fly over the graduating students) Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. (Barry and Adam sit down and put on their hats) : - Well, Adam, today we are men.
ADAM: - We are! BARRY= - Bee-men. =ADAM= - Amen! BARRY AND ADAM: Hallelujah! (Barry and Adam both have a happy spasm) ANNOUNCER: Students, faculty, distinguished bees, : please welcome Dean Buzzwell. DEAN BUZZWELL: Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... : ...9: : That concludes our ceremonies. : And begins your career at Honex Industries! ADAM: Will we pick our job today? (Adam and Barry get into a tour bus) BARRY= I heard it's just orientation. (Tour buses rise out of the ground and the students are automatically loaded into the buses) TOUR GUIDE: Heads up! Here we go.
ANNOUNCER: Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. BARRY: - Wonder what it'll be like? ADAM: - A little scary. TOUR GUIDE== Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco : and a part of the Hexagon Group. Barry: This is it! BARRY AND ADAM: Wow. BARRY: Wow. (The bus drives down a road an on either side are the Bee's massive complicated Honey-making machines) TOUR GUIDE: We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life : to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. : Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. : Our top-secret formula : is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured : into this soothing sweet syrup : with its distinctive golden glow you know as... EVERYONE ON BUS: Honey! (The guide has been collecting honey into a bottle and she throws it into the crowd on the bus and it is caught by a girl in the back) ADAM: - That girl was hot. BARRY: - She's my cousin! ADAM== - She is? BARRY: - Yes, we're all cousins. ADAM: - Right. You're right. TOUR GUIDE: - At Honex, we constantly strive : to improve every aspect of bee existence. : These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. (The bus passes by a Bee wearing a helmet who is being smashed into the ground with fly-swatters, newspapers and boots. He lifts a thumbs up but you can hear him groan) : ADAM==

• What do you think he makes? BARRY:
• Not enough. TOUR GUIDE: Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. (They pass by a turning wheel with Bees standing on pegs, who are each wearing a finger-shaped hat) Barry:
• Wow, What does that do? TOUR GUIDE:
• Catches that little strand of honey : that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. ADAM: (Intrigued) Can anyone work on the Krelman? TOUR GUIDE: Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. : But choose carefully : because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. (Everyone claps except for Barry) BARRY: The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. ADAM:

What's the difference? TOUR GUIDE: You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off : in 27 million years. BARRY: (Upset) So you'll just work us to death? : We'll sure try. (Everyone on the bus laughs except Barry. Barry and Adam are walking back home together) ADAM: Wow! That blew my mind! BARRY: "What's the difference?" How can you say that? : One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. ADAM: I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. BARRY: But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? ADAM: Why would you question anything? We're bees. : We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.
BARRY: You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? ADAM: Like what? Give me one example. (Barry and Adam stop walking and it is revealed to the audience that hundreds of cars are speeding by and narrowly missing them in perfect unison) BARRY: I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. ANNOUNCER: Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. BARRY: Wait a second. Check it out. (The Pollen jocks fly in, circle around and landing in line) : - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! ADAM: - Wow. : I've never seen them this close. BARRY: They know what it's like outside the hive. ADAM: Yeah, but some don't come back. GIRL BEES: - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! (The Pollen Jocks hook up their backpacks to machines that pump the nectar to trucks, which drive away)
LOU LO DUVA: You guys did great! : You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! (Punching the Pollen Jocks in joy) I love it! ADAM: - I wonder where they were. BARRY: - I don't know. : Their day's not planned. : Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. : You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. ADAM== Right. (Barry and Adam are covered in some pollen that floated off of the Pollen Jocks) BARRY: Look at that. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. ADAM: It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. BARRY: Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. (Barry waves at 2 girls standing a little away from them)
ADAM== Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? BARRY: Distant. Distant. POLLEN JOCK #1: Look at these two. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Couple of Hive Harrys. POLLEN JOCK #1: - Let's have fun with them. GIRL BEE #1: It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. BARRY: Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! : He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! (Slaps Adam with his hand to represent his scenario) GIRL BEE #2: - Oh, my! BARRY: - I never thought I'd knock him out. GIRL BEE #1: (Looking at Adam) What were you doing during this? ADAM: Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities. BARRY: I can autograph that.
(The pollen jocks walk up to Barry and Adam, they pretend that Barry and Adam really are pollen jocks.) POLLEN JOCK #1: A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? BARRY: Yeah. Gusty. POLLEN JOCK #1: We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. BARRY: - Six miles, huh? ADAM: - Barry! POLLEN JOCK #2: A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. BARRY: - Maybe I am. ADAM: - You are not! POLLEN JOCK #1: We're going 0900 at J-Gate. : What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? BARRY: I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. (The scene cuts to Barry looking out on the hive-city from his balcony at night) MARTIN:
Hey, Honex! BARRY: Dad, you surprised me. MARTIN: You decide what you're interested in? BARRY: - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. : Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? MARTIN: Son, let me tell you about stirring. : You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. : You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. BARRY: You know, Dad, the more I think about it, : maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. MARTIN: You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? : That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. :
Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! JANET: - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. BARRY: - I'm not trying to be funny. MARTIN: You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! JANET: - You're gonna be a stirrer? BARRY: - No one's listening to me! MARTIN: Wait till you see the sticks I have. BARRY: I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! (Barry's parents don't listen to him and continue to ramble on) MARTIN: Let's open some honey and celebrate! BARRY: Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. : Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! JANET: I'm so proud. (The scene cuts to Barry and Adam waiting in line to get a job) ADAM: - We're starting work today!
BARRY: - Today's the day. ADAM: Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. BARRY: Yeah, right. JOB LISTER: Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Is it still available? JOB LISTER: - Hang on. Two left! : One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. ADAM: - What'd you get? BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Picking crud out. Stellar! (He walks away) ADAM: Wow! JOB LISTER: Couple of newbies? ADAM: Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! JOB LISTER: Make your choice. (Adam and Barry look up at the job board. There are hundreds of constantly changing panels that contain available or unavailable jobs. It looks very confusing)
ADAM: - You want to go first? BARRY: - No, you go. ADAM: Oh, my. What's available? JOB LISTER: Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. ADAM: - Any chance of getting the Krelman? JOB LISTER: - Sure, you're on. (Puts the Krelman finger-hat on Adam's head) (Suddenly the sign for Krelman closes out) : I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. (Takes Adam's hat off) Wax monkey's always open. ADAM: The Krelman opened up again. : What happened? JOB LISTER: A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. : Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. : Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!
ADAM: Oh, this is so hard! (Barry remembers what the Pollen Jock offered him and he flies off) Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, : humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, : mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? (Adam turns around and sees Barry flying away) : Barry! POLLEN JOCK: All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... ADAM: (Through phone) What happened to you? Where are you? BARRY: - I'm going out. ADAM: - Out? Out where? BARRY: - Out there. ADAM: - Oh, no! BARRY: I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. ADAM:
You're gonna die! You're crazy! (Barry hangs up) Hello? POLLEN JOCK #2: Another call coming in. : If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd : that gets their roses today. BARRY: Hey, guys. POLLEN JOCK #1 == - Look at that. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? LOU LO DUVA: Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. POLLEN JOCK #1: It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. (Puts hand on Barry's shoulder) LOU LO DUVA: (To Barry) Really? Feeling lucky, are you? BEE WITH CLIPBOARD: (To Barry) Sign here, here. Just initial that. : - Thank you. LOU LO DUVA: - OK. : You got a rain advisory today, :
and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. : So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, : hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. : Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. : Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! BARRY: - That's awful. LOU LO DUVA: (Still talking through megaphone) - And a reminder for you rookies, : bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! : All right, launch positions! POLLEN JOCKS: (The Pollen Jocks run into formation) : Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! LOU LU DUVA: Black and yellow! POLLEN JOCKS:
Hello! POLLEN JOCK #1: (To Barry)You ready for this, hot shot? BARRY: Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. POLLEN JOCK's: Wind, check. : - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. : - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. BARRY: Scared out of my shorts, check. LOU LO DUVA: OK, ladies, : let's move it out! : Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! : All of you, drain those flowers! (The pollen jocks fly out of the hive) BARRY: Wow! I'm out! : I can't believe I'm out! : So blue.
: I feel so fast and free! : Box kite! (Barry flies through the kite) : Wow! : Flowers! (A pollen jock puts on some high tech goggles that shows flowers similar to heat sink goggles.) POLLEN JOCK: This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. : Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. : Roses! POLLEN JOCK #1: 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. : Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. (The pollen jock fires a high-tech gun at the flower, shooting tubes that suck up the nectar from the flower and collects it into a pouch on the gun) BARRY: That is one nectar collector! POLLEN JOCK #1== - Ever see pollination up close? BARRY: - No, sir. POLLEN JOCK #1:
(Barry and the Pollen jock fly over the field, the pollen jock sprinkles pollen as he goes) : I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, : a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. BARRY: That's amazing. Why do we do that? POLLEN JOCK #1: That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. BARRY: Cool. POLLEN JOCK #1: I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. could be daisies. Don't we need those? POLLEN JOCK #2: Copy that visual. : Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. POLLEN JOCK #1: Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? POLLEN JOCK #2: Affirmative. (The Pollen jocks land near the "flowers" which, to the audience are obviously just tennis balls) KEN: (In the distance) That was on the line!
POLLEN JOCK #1: This is the coolest. What is it? POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't know, but I'm loving this color. : It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. POLLEN JOCK #1: Yeah, fuzzy. (Sticks his hand on the ball but it gets stuck) POLLEN JOCK #3== Chemical-y. (The pollen jock finally gets his hand free from the tennis ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. (The pollen jocks turn around and see Barry lying his entire body on top of one of the tennis balls) POLLEN JOCK #2: My sweet lord of bees! POLLEN JOCK #3: Candy-brain, get off there! POLLEN JOCK #1: (Pointing upwards) Problem! (A human hand reaches down and grabs the tennis ball that Barry is stuck to) BARRY: - Guys! POLLEN JOCK #2: - This could be bad. POLLEN JOCK #3: Affirmative. (Vanessa Bloome starts bouncing the tennis ball, not knowing Barry is stick to it)
BARRY== Very close. : Gonna hurt. : Mama's little boy. (Barry is being hit back and forth by two humans playing tennis. He is still stuck to the ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: You are way out of position, rookie! KEN: Coming in at you like a MISSILE! (Barry flies past the pollen jocks, still stuck to the ball) BARRY: (In slow motion) Help me! POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't think these are flowers. POLLEN JOCK #3: - Should we tell him? POLLEN JOCK #1: - I think he knows. BARRY: What is this?! KEN: Match point! : You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to EAT IT! (A pollen jock coughs which confused Ken and he hits the ball the wrong way with Barry stuck to it and it goes flying into the city) BARRY:
Yowser! (Barry bounces around town and gets stuck in the engine of a car. He flies into the air conditioner and sees a bug that was frozen in there) BARRY: Ew, gross. (The man driving the car turns on the air conditioner which blows Barry into the car) GIRL IN CAR: There's a bee in the car! : - Do something! DAD DRIVING CAR: - I'm driving! BABY GIRL: (Waving at Barry) - Hi, bee. (Barry smiles and waves at the baby girl) GUY IN BACK OF CAR: - He's back here! : He's going to sting me! GIRL IN CAR: Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! (Barry freezes as well, hovering in the middle of the car) : GRANDMA IN CAR== He blinked! (The grandma whips out some bee-spray and sprays everywhere in the car, climbing into the front seat, still trying to spray Barry) GIRL IN CAR: Spray him, Granny! DAD DRIVING THE CAR: What are you doing?! (Barry escapes the car through the air conditioner and is flying high above
the ground, safe.) BARRY: Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. (Barry sees that storm clouds are gathering and he can see rain clouds moving into this direction) : I gotta get home. : Can't fly in rain. : Can't fly in rain. (A rain drop hits Barry and one of his wings is damaged) : Can't fly in rain. (A second rain drop hits Barry again and he spirals downwards) Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! (WW2 plane sound effects are played as he plummets, and he crash-lands on a plant inside an apartment near the window) VANESSA BLOOME: Ken, could you close the window please? KEN== Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. : You see? (Folds brochure resume out) Folds out. (Ken closes the window, trapping Barry inside) BARRY: Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. (Barry tries to fly away but smashes into the window and falls again) : What was that?
(Barry keeps trying to fly out the window but he keeps being knocked back because the window is closed) Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... : Drapes! (Barry taps the glass. He doesn't understand what it is) That is diabolical. KEN: It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. ANDY: What's number one? Star Wars? KEN: Nah, I don't go for that... (Ken makes finger guns and makes "pew pew pew" sounds and then stops) : ...kind of stuff. BARRY: No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. KEN: When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. BARRY: (Looking at the light on the ceiling) There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. (Starts flying towards the lightbulb) : I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. (Barry hits the lightbulb and falls into the dip on the table that the humans are sitting at) KEN:
I predicted global warming. : I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. (Andy dips a chip into the bowl and scoops up some dip with Barry on it and is about to put it in his mouth) : Wait! Stop! Bee! (Andy drops the chip with Barry in fear and backs away. All the humans freak out) : Stand back. These are winter boots. (Ken has winter boots on his hands and he is about to smash the bee but Vanessa saves him last second) VANESSA: Wait! : Don't kill him! (Vanessa puts Barry in a glass to protect him) KEN: You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! VANESSA: Why does his life have less value than yours? KEN: Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? VANESSA: I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. (Vanessa picks up Ken's brochure and puts it under the glass so she can carry Barry back to the window. Barry looks at Vanessa in amazement) KEN:
My brochure! VANESSA: There you go, little guy. (Vanessa opens the window and lets Barry out but Barry stays back and is still shocked that a human saved his life) KEN: I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. VANESSA: Put that on your resume brochure. KEN: My whole face could puff up. ANDY: Make it one of your special skills. KEN: Knocking someone out is also a special skill. (Ken walks to the door) Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. : - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? VANESSA: - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. : (Vanessa tries to close door) KEN== - You could put carob chips on there. VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door but Ken opens it again) KEN: - Supposed to be less calories.
VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door) (Fast forward to the next day, Barry is still inside the house. He flies into the kitchen where Vanessa is doing dishes) BARRY== (Talking to himself) I gotta say something. : She saved my life. I gotta say something. : All right, here it goes. (Turns back) Nah. : What would I say? : I could really get in trouble. : It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. : I can't believe I'm doing this. : I've got to. (Barry disguises himself as a character on a food can as Vanessa walks by again) : Oh, I can't do it. Come on! : No. Yes. No. : Do it. I can't.
: How should I start it? (Barry strikes a pose and wiggles his eyebrows) "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. (Vanessa is about to walk past Barry) Here she comes! Speak, you fool! : ...Hi! (Vanessa gasps and drops the dishes in fright and notices Barry on the counter) : I'm sorry. VANESSA: - You're talking. BARRY: - Yes, I know. VANESSA: (Pointing at Barry) You're talking! BARRY: I'm so sorry. VANESSA: No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. : But I don't recall going to bed. BARRY: Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. VANESSA: This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!
BARRY: I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, (Pointing to the living room where Ken tried to kill him last night) but they were all trying to kill me. : And if it wasn't for you... : I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. (Vanessa stabs her hand with a fork to test whether she's dreaming or not) : That was a little weird. VANESSA: - I'm talking with a bee. BARRY: - Yeah. VANESSA: I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! BARRY: I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. (Barry turns to leave) VANESSA: - Wait! How did you learn to do that? BARRY: (Flying back) - What? VANESSA: The talking...thing. BARRY:
Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. VANESSA: - That's very funny. BARRY: - Yeah. : Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. : Anyway... VANESSA: Can I... : ...get you something? BARRY: - Like what? VANESSA: I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? BARRY: I don't want to put you out. VANESSA: It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. : - It's just coffee. BARRY: - I hate to impose. (Vanessa starts making coffee) VANESSA: - Don't be ridiculous!
BARRY: - Actually, I would love a cup. VANESSA: Hey, you want rum cake? BARRY: - I shouldn't. VANESSA: - Have some. BARRY: - No, I can't. VANESSA: - Come on! BARRY: I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. VANESSA: - Where? BARRY: - These stripes don't help. VANESSA: You look great! BARRY: I don't know if you know anything about fashion. : Are you all right? VANESSA: (Pouring coffee on the floor and missing the cup completely) No. (Flash forward in time. Barry and Vanessa are sitting together at a table on top of the apartment building drinking coffee)
: BARRY== He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. : He finally gets there. : He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. : And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. : Why would I marry a watermelon?" (Barry laughs but Vanessa looks confused) VANESSA: Is that a bee joke? BARRY: That's the kind of stuff we do. VANESSA: Yeah, different. : So, what are you gonna do, Barry? (Barry stands on top of a sugar cube floating in his coffee and paddles it around with a straw like it's a gondola) BARRY: About work? I don't know. : I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. VANESSA: I know how you feel.
BARRY: - You do? VANESSA: - Sure. : My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. BARRY: - Really? VANESSA: - My only interest is flowers. BARRY: Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. : Anyway, if you look... (Barry points to a tree in the middle of Central Park) : There's my hive right there. See it? VANESSA: You're in Sheep Meadow! BARRY: Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! VANESSA: No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. BARRY: - Why do girls put rings on their toes? VANESSA: - Why not? BARRY:

• It's like putting a hat on your knee. VANESSA:
• Maybe I'll try that. (A custodian installing a lightbulb looks over at them but to his perspective it looks like Vanessa is talking to a cup of coffee on the table) CUSTODIAN:
• You all right, ma'am? VANESSA:
• Oh, yeah. Fine. : Just having two cups of coffee! BARRY: Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. VANESSA== Yeah, it's no trouble. BARRY: Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. (Barry points towards the rum cake) : Can I take a piece of this with me? VANESSA: Sure! Here, have a crumb. (Vanessa hands Barry a crumb but it is still pretty big for Barry) BARRY:
• Thanks! VANESSA:
• Yeah. BARRY: All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.
  : Or not. VANESSA: OK, Barry... BARRY: And thank you so much again... for before. VANESSA: Oh, that? That was nothing. BARRY: Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... (Vanessa and Barry hold hands, but Vanessa has to hold out a finger because her hands is to big and Barry holds that) (The custodian looks over again and it appears Vanessa is laughing at her coffee again. The lightbulb that he was screwing in sparks and he falls off the ladder) (Fast forward in time and we see two Bee Scientists testing out a parachute in a Honex wind tunnel) BEE SCIENTIST #1: This can't possibly work. BEE SCIENTIST #2: He's all set to go. We may as well try it. : OK, Dave, pull the chute. (Dave pulls the chute and the wind slams him against the wall and he falls on his face.The camera pans over and we see Barry and Adam walking together) ADAM:
  
• Sounds amazing. BARRY:
  
• It was amazing! : It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.
  

ADAM: Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! : Giant, scary humans! What were they like? BARRY: Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. : They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. ADAM: - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? BARRY: - Some of them. But some of them don't. ADAM: - How'd you get back? BARRY: - Poodle. ADAM: You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. : You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. BARRY: - Well... ADAM: - Well? BARRY: Well, I met someone.
ADAM: You did? Was she Bee-ish? : - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! BARRY: - No, no, no, not a wasp. ADAM: - Spider? BARRY: - I'm not attracted to spiders. : I know, for everyone else, it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. : I can't get by that face. ADAM: So who is she? BARRY: She's... human. ADAM: No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. BARRY: - Her name's Vanessa. (Adam puts his head in his hands) ADAM: - Oh, boy. BARRY== She's so nice. And she's a florist! ADAM: Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
BARRY: We're not dating. ADAM: You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes : with power washers and M-80s! That's one-eighth a stick of dynamite! BARRY: She saved my life! And she understands me. ADAM: This is over! BARRY: Eat this. (Barry gives Adam a piece of the crumb that he got from Vanessa. Adam eats it) ADAM: (Adam's tone changes) This is not over! What was that? BARRY: - They call it a crumb. ADAM: - It was so stingin' stripey! BARRY: And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! : - You know what a Cinnabon is? ADAM: - No. (Adam opens a door behind him and he pulls Barry in)
BARRY: It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. ADAM: Be quiet! BARRY: They heat it up... ADAM: Sit down! (Adam forces Barry to sit down) BARRY: (Still rambling about Cinnabons) ...really hot! (Adam grabs Barry by the shoulders) ADAM: - Listen to me! : We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! BARRY== Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? ADAM: There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! : You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! BARRY: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEE: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEES AND ADAM: Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee! (Flash forward in time; Barry is laying on a raft in a pool full of honey. He is wearing sunglasses) JANET: There he is. He's in the pool. MARTIN: You know what your problem is, Barry? (Barry pulls down his sunglasses and he looks annoyed) BARRY: (Sarcastic) I gotta start thinking bee? JANET: How much longer will this go on? MARTIN: It's been three days! Why aren't you working? (Puts sunglasses back on) BARRY: I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. MARTIN: What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! JANET: Would it kill you to make a little honey? (Barry rolls off the raft and sinks into the honey pool) : Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. : Martin, would you talk to him? MARTIN:
Barry, I'm talking to you! (Barry keeps sinking into the honey until he is suddenly in Central Park having a picnic with Vanessa) (Barry has a cup of honey and he clinks his glass with Vanessas. Suddenly a mosquito lands on Vanessa and she slaps it, killing it. They both gasp but then burst out laughing) VANESSA: You coming? (The camera pans over and Vanessa is climbing into a small yellow airplane) BARRY: Got everything? VANESSA: All set! BARRY: Go ahead. I'll catch up. (Vanessa lifts off and flies ahead) VANESSA: Don't be too long. (Barry catches up with Vanessa and he sticks out his arms like ana irplane. He rolls from side to side, and Vanessa copies him with the airplane) VANESSA: Watch this! (Barry stays back and watches as Vanessa draws a heart in the air using pink smoke from the plane, but on the last loop-the-loop she suddenly crashes into a mountain and the plane explodes. The destroyed plane falls into some rocks and explodes a second time) BARRY: Vanessa! (As Barry is yelling his mouth fills with honey and he wakes up, discovering that he was just day dreaming. He slowly sinks back into the honey pool) MARTIN: - We're still here.
JANET: - I told you not to yell at him. : He doesn't respond to yelling! MARTIN: - Then why yell at me? JANET: - Because you don't listen! MARTIN: I'm not listening to this. BARRY: Sorry, I've gotta go. MARTIN: - Where are you going? BARRY: - I'm meeting a friend. JANET: A girl? Is this why you can't decide? BARRY: Bye. (Barry flies out the door and Martin shakes his head) : JANET== I just hope she's Bee-ish. (Fast forward in time and Barry is sitting on Vanessa's shoulder and she is closing up her shop) BARRY: They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? VANESSA: To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!
: Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. BARRY: A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? VANESSA: No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? BARRY: It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. VANESSA: Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. BARRY: TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! VANESSA: You don't have that? BARRY: We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. VANESSA: Oh, my. (A human walks by and Barry narrowly avoids him) PASSERBY: Dumb bees! VANESSA: You must want to sting all those jerks. BARRY: We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us. VANESSA: So you have to watch your temper (They walk into a store) BARRY: Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, : write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: : Anger, jealousy, lust. (Suddenly an employee(Hector) hits Barry off of Vanessa's shoulder. Hector thinks he's saving Vanessa) VANESSA: (To Barry) Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? (Barry is getting up off the floor) BARRY: Yeah. VANESSA: (To Hector) - What is wrong with you?! HECTOR: (Confused) - It's a bug. VANESSA: He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! (Vanessa hits Hector across the face with the magazine he had and then hits him in the head. Hector backs away covering his head) Barry: What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? (Vanessa sets Barry back on her shoulder)
VANESSA: Yeah, it was. How did you know? BARRY: It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. VANESSA: You've really got that down to a science. BARRY: - Oh, we have to. I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. VANESSA: - I'll bet. (Barry looks to his right and notices there is honey for sale in the aisle) BARRY: What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? (Barry looks at all the brands of honey, shocked) How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, : Ray Liotta Private Select? (Barry puts his hands up and slowly turns around, a look of disgust on his face) VANESSA: - Is he that actor? BARRY: - I never heard of him. : - Why is this here? VANESSA: - For people. We eat it. BARRY:
You don't have enough food of your own?! (Hector looks back and notices that Vanessa is talking to Barry) VANESSA: - Well, yes. BARRY: - How do you get it? VANESSA: - Bees make it. BARRY: - I know who makes it! : And it's hard to make it! : There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! VANESSA: - It's organic. BARRY: - It's our-ganic! VANESSA: It's just honey, Barry. BARRY: Just what?! : Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! : You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! :
And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. : I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! (Flash forward in time; Barry paints his face with black strikes like a soldier and sneaks into the storage section of the store) (Two men, including Hector, are loading boxes into some trucks) : SUPERMARKET EMPLOYEE== Hey, Hector. : - You almost done? HECTOR: - Almost. (Barry takes a step to peak around the corner) (Whispering) He is here. I sense it. : Well, I guess I'll go home now (Hector pretends to walk away by walking in place and speaking loudly) : and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. BARRY: You're busted, box boy! HECTOR: I knew I heard something! So you can talk! BARRY: I can talk. And now you'll start talking! : Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier? HECTOR: I don't understand. I thought we were friends. : The last thing we want to do is upset bees! (Hector takes a thumbtack out of the board behind him and sword-fights Barry. Barry is using his stinger like a sword) : You're too late! It's ours now! BARRY: You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! HECTOR: You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! (Barry hits the thumbtack out of Hectors hand and Hector surrenders) Barry: Where is the honey coming from? : Tell me where! HECTOR: (Pointing to leaving truck) Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! (Barry chases after the truck but it is getting away. He flies onto a bicyclists' backpack and he catches up to the truck) CAR DRIVER: (To bicyclist) Crazy person! (Barry flies off and lands on the windshield of the Honey farms truck. Barry looks around and sees dead bugs splattered everywhere) BARRY: What horrible thing has happened here?
: These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now : they're on the road to nowhere! (Barry hears a sudden whisper) (Barry looks up and sees Mooseblood, a mosquito playing dead) MOOSEBLOOD: Just keep still. BARRY: What? You're not dead? MOOSEBLOOD: Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? BARRY: To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. MOOSEBLOOD: I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! ANOTHER BUG PLAYING DEAD: I'm going to Tacoma. (Barry looks at another bug) BARRY: - And you? MOOSEBLOOD: - He really is dead. BARRY: All right. (Another bug hits the windshield and the drivers notice. They activate the windshield wipers) MOOSEBLOOD== Uh-oh! (The windshield wipers are slowly sliding over the dead bugs and wiping
them off) BARRY: - What is that?! MOOSEBLOOD: - Oh, no! : - A wiper! Triple blade! BARRY: - Triple blade? MOOSEBLOOD: Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! (Mooseblood and Barry grab onto the wiper and they hold on as it wipes the windshield) Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! : How much do you people need to see?! (Bangs on windshield) : Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! RADIO IN TRUCK: From NPR News in Washington, I'm Carl Kasell. MOOSEBLOOD: But don't kill no more bugs! (Mooseblood and Barry are washed off by the wipr fluid) MOOSEBLOOD: - Bee! BARRY: - Moose blood guy!! (Barry starts screaming as he hangs onto the antenna) (Suddenly it is revealed that a water bug is also hanging on the antenna.
There is a pause and then Barry and the water bug both start screaming) TRUCK DRIVER: - You hear something? GUY IN TRUCK: - Like what? TRUCK DRIVER: Like tiny screaming. GUY IN TRUCK: Turn off the radio. (The antenna starts to lower until it gets to low and sinks into the truck. The water bug flies off and Barry is forced to let go and he is blown away. He luckily lands inside a horn on top of the truck where he finds Mooseblood, who was blown into the same place) MOOSEBLOOD: Whassup, bee boy? BARRY: Hey, Blood. (Fast forward in time and we see that Barry is deep in conversation with Mooseblood. They have been sitting in this truck for a while) BARRY: ...Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. MOOSEBLOOD: Wow! BARRY: I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. : I mean, that honey's ours. MOOSEBLOOD: - Bees hang tight. BARRY:

• We're all jammed in. : It's a close community. MOOSEBLOOD: Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. BARRY:
• What if you get in trouble? MOOSEBLOOD:
• You a mosquito, you in trouble. : Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! BARRY: At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. MOOSEBLOOD: Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. : Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. (An ambulance passes by and it has a blood donation sign on it) You got to be kidding me! : Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! (Mooseblood leaves and flies onto the window of the ambulance where there are other mosquito's hanging out) :
• Hey, guys! OTHER MOSQUITO:
• Mooseblood!

MOOSEBLOOD: I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? (The truck goes out of view and Barry notices that the truck he's on is pulling into a camp of some sort) TRUCK DRIVER: We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. (Barry flies out) BARRY: What is this place? BEEKEEPER 1#: A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. BEEKEEPER #2: They are pinheads! : Pinhead. : - Check out the new smoker. BEEKEEPER #1: - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. : The Thomas 3000! BARRY: Smoker? BEEKEEPER #1: Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. : A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.
BEEKEEPER #2: They make the honey, and we make the money. BARRY: "They make the honey, and we make the money"? (The Beekeeper sprays hundreds of cheap miniature apartments with the smoker. The bees are fainting or passing out) Oh, my! : What's going on? Are you OK? (Barry flies into one of the apartment and helps a Bee couple get off the ground. They are coughing and its hard for them to stand) BEE IN APARTMENT: Yeah. It doesn't last too long. BARRY: Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? BEE IN APPARTMENT: Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. (The apartment room is completely empty except for a photo on the wall of the "queen" who is obviously a man in women's clothes) BARRY: This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! : That's a drag queen! : What is this? (Barry flies out and he discovers that there are hundreds of these structures, each housing thousands of Bees) Oh, no! : There's hundreds of them! (Barry takes out his camera and takes pictures of these Bee work camps. The beekeepers look very evil in these depictions)
Bee honey. : Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! : This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. (Flash forward in time and Barry is showing these pictures to his parents) JANET: Oh, Barry, stop. MARTIN: Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. BARRY: Do these look like rumors? (Holds up the pictures) UNCLE CARL: That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. JANET: How did you get mixed up in this? ADAM: He's been talking to humans. JANET: - What? MARTIN: - Talking to humans?! ADAM: He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! JANET: Make out? Barry!
BARRY: We do not. ADAM: - You wish you could. MARTIN: - Whose side are you on? BARRY: The bees! UNCLE CARL: (He has been sitting in the back of the room this entire time) I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. JANET: Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? BARRY: I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! : Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked : your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. JANET: I remember that. BARRY: What right do they have to our honey? : We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
ADAM: Even if it's true, what can one bee do? BARRY: Sting them where it really hurts. MARTIN: In the face! The eye! : - That would hurt. BARRY: - No. MARTIN: Up the nose? That's a killer. BARRY: There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. (Flash forward a bit in time and we are watching the Bee News) BEE NEWS NARRATOR: Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. BEE PROTESTOR: No more bee beards! BEE NEWS NARRATOR: With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. : Weather with Storm Stinger. : Sports with Buzz Larvi. : And Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE: - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. JEANETTE CHUNG:

• And I'm Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE: A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, : intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, : packaging it and profiting from it illegally! JEANETTE CHUNG: Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, : we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, : Classy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. (The scene changes to an interview on the news with Bee version of Larry King and Barry) BEE LARRY KING: Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. : Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? BARRY: Bees have never been afraid to change the world. : What about Bee Columbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? BEE LARRY KING: Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
  : We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. BARRY: How old are you? BEE LARRY KING: The bee community is supporting you in this case, : which will be the trial of the bee century. BARRY: You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. BEE LARRY KING: It's a common name. Next week... BARRY: He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... BEE LARRY KING: Next week... BARRY: Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. BEE LARRY KING: Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here, live. (Bee Larry King gets annoyed and flies away offscreen) BARRY: Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. (Flash forward in time. We see Vanessa enter and Ken enters behind her. They are arguing)
  

KEN: In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! VANESSA: It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. KEN== Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? BARRY: (To Ken) Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. KEN: (Pointing at Barry) - Is that that same bee? VANESSA: - Yes, it is! : I'm helping him sue the human race. BARRY: - Hello. KEN: - Hello, bee. VANESSA: This is Ken. BARRY: (Recalling the "Winter Boots" incident earlier) Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. KEN: (To Vanessa) Why does he talk again? VANESSA:
Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. KEN: But it's our yogurt night! VANESSA: (Holding door open for Ken) Bye-bye. KEN: (Yelling) Why is yogurt night so difficult?! (Ken leaves and Vanessa walks over to Barry. His workplace is a mess) VANESSA: You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! BARRY: Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. ADAM: - Frosting... - How many sugars? ==BARRY== Just one. I try not to use the competition. : So why are you helping me? VANESSA: Bees have good qualities. : And it takes my mind off the shop. : Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. BARRY:
Those are great, if you're three. VANESSA: And artificial flowers. BARRY: - Oh, those just get me psychotic! VANESSA: - Yeah, me too. : BARRY: Bent stingers, pointless pollination. ADAM: Bees must hate those fake things! : Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. : Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. VANESSA: - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. BARRY: - I guess. ADAM: You sure you want to go through with it? BARRY: Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able : to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! (Flash forward in time and we are watching the human news. The camera shows
a crowd outside a courthouse) NEWS REPORTER: It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, : where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, : we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. (We are no longer watching through a news camera) ADAM: What have we gotten into here, Barry? BARRY: It's pretty big, isn't it? ADAM== (Looking at the hundreds of people around the courthouse) I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. BARRY: You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? SECURITY GUARD: Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. (A limousine drives up and a fat man,Layton Montgomery, a honey industry owner gets out and walks past Barry) ADAM: - What's the matter? BARRY: - I don't know, I just got a chill. (Fast forward in time and everyone is in the court) MONTGOMERY: Well, if it isn't the bee team.
(To Honey Industry lawyers) You boys work on this? MAN: All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. JUDGE BUMBLETON: All right. Case number 4475, : Superior Court of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry : is now in session. : Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? MONTGOMERY: A privilege. JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? (Everyone looks closely, they are waiting to see if a Bee can really talk) (Barry makes several buzzing sounds to sound like a Bee) BARRY: I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. JUDGE BUMBLBETON: Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. MONTGOMERY: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, : my grandmother was a simple woman. :
Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right : to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. : If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, : just think of what would it mean. : I would have to negotiate with the silkworm : for the elastic in my britches! : Talking bee! (Montgomery walks over and looks closely at Barry) : How do we know this isn't some sort of : holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? : They could be using laser beams! : Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, : he could be on steroids! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson?
BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. : I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. : It's important to all bees. We invented it! : We make it. And we protect it with our lives. : Unfortunately, there are some people in this room : who think they can take it from us : 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, : you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have : but everything we are! JANET== (To Martin) I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Call your first witness. BARRY: So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have. KLAUSS VANDERHAYDEN: I suppose so. BARRY: I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! KLAUSS: Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. BARRY: Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. : I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? KLAUSS: (Quietly) - No. BARRY: - I couldn't hear you. KLAUSS: - No. BARRY: - No. : Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, : it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. KLAUSS: They're very lovable creatures.
: Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. BARRY: You mean like this? (The bear from Over The Hedge barges in through the back door and it is roaring and standing on its hind legs. It is thrashing its claws and people are screaming. It is being held back by a guard who has the bear on a chain) : (Pointing to the roaring bear) Bears kill bees! : How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! : Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! JUDGE BUMBLETON: OK, that's enough. Take him away. (The bear stops roaring and thrashing and walks out) BARRY: So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. : - Where have I heard it before? MR. STING: - I was with a band called The Police. BARRY: But you've never been a police officer, have you? STING: No, I haven't. BARRY:
No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example : of bee culture casually stolen by a human : for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. STING: Oh, please. BARRY: Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? : Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. : Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! MONTGOMERY: That's not his real name?! You idiots! BARRY: Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on : your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. RAY LIOTTA: Thank you. Thank you. BARRY: I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome : with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow. RAY LIOTTA: I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? BARRY: Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? : Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't : have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? RAY LIOTTA: Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! BARRY: This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! (Ray Liotta looses it and tries to grab Barry) RAY LIOTTA: Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! JUDGE BUMBLETON: - Order in this court! RAY LIOTTA: - You're all thinking it! (Judge Bumbleton starts banging her gavel) JUDGE BUMBLETON: Order! Order, I say! RAY LIOTTA: - Say it! MAN:

• Mr. Liotta, please sit down! (We see a montage of magazines which feature the court case) (Flash forward in time and Barry is back home with Vanessa) BARRY: I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. VANESSA: I think the jury's on our side. BARRY: Are we doing everything right,you know, legally? VANESSA: I'm a florist. BARRY: Right. Well, here's to a great team. VANESSA: To a great team! (Ken walks in from work. He sees Barry and he looks upset when he sees Barry clinking his glass with Vanessa) KEN: Well, hello. VANESSA:
• Oh, Ken! BARRY:
• Hello! VANESSA: I didn't think you were coming. : No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... (Ken holds up his phone and flips it open. The phone has no charge) ...the battery... VANESSA:

I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. KEN: Oh, that was lucky. (Ken sits down at the table across from Barry and Vanessa leaves the room) VANESSA: There's a little left. I could heat it up. KEN: (Not taking his eyes off Barry) Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. BARRY: So I hear you're quite a tennis player. : I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. KEN: That's where I usually sit. Right... (Points to where Barry is sitting) there. VANESSA: (Calling from other room) Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, : and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. KEN: (To Barry) You think I don't see what you're doing? BARRY: I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common.
KEN: Do we? BARRY: Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. KEN: (Menacingly) That's just what I was thinking about doing. (Ken reaches for a fork on the table but knocks if on the floor. He goes to pick it up) VANESSA: Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. (Ken quickly rises back up after hearing this but hits his head on the table and yells) BARRY: I'm going to drain the old stinger. KEN: Yeah, you do that. (Barry flies past Ken to get to the bathroom and Ken freaks out, splashing some of the wine he was using to cool his head in his eyes. He yells in anger) (Barry looks at the magazines featuring his victories in court) BARRY: Look at that. (Barry flies into the bathroom) (He puts his hand on his head but this makes hurts him and makes him even madder. He yells again) (Barry is washing his hands in the sink but then Ken walks in) KEN: You know, you know I've just about had it (Closes bathroom door behind him) with your little mind games. (Ken is menacingly rolling up a magazine) BARRY:
(Backing away) - What's that? KEN: - Italian Vogue. BARRY: Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. KEN: It's a lot of ads. BARRY: Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? KEN: That's funny, I just can't seem to recall that! (Ken smashes everything off the sink with the magazine and Barry narrowly escapes) (Ken follows Barry around and tries to hit him with the magazine but he keeps missing) (Ken gets a spray bottle) : I think something stinks in here! BARRY: (Enjoying the spray) I love the smell of flowers. (Ken holds a lighter in front of the spray bottle) KEN: How do you like the smell of flames?! BARRY: Not as much. (Ken fires his make-shift flamethrower but misses Barry, burning the bathroom. He torches the whole room but looses his footing and falls into the bathtub. After getting hit in the head by falling objects 3 times he picks up the shower head, revealing a Water bug hiding under it) WATER BUG: Water bug! Not taking sides!
(Barry gets up out of a pile of bathroom supplies and he is wearing a chapstick hat) BARRY: Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! (Ken switches the shower head to lethal) KEN: I've got issues! (Ken sprays Barry with the shower head and he crash lands into the toilet) (Ken menacingly looks down into the toilet at Barry) Well, well, well, a royal flush! BARRY: - You're bluffing. KEN: - Am I? (flushes toilet) (Barry grabs a chapstick from the toilet seat and uses it to surf in the flushing toilet) BARRY: Surf's up, dude! (Barry flies out of the toilet on the chapstick and sprays Ken's face with the toilet water) : EW,Poo water! BARRY: That bowl is gnarly. KEN: (Aiming a toilet cleaner at Barry) Except for those dirty yellow rings! (Barry cowers and covers his head and Vanessa runs in and takes the toilet cleaner from Ken just before he hits Barry) VANESSA: Kenneth! What are you doing?! KEN== (Leaning towards Barry)
You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! VANESSA: We need to talk! (Vanessa pulls Ken out of the bathroom) : He's just a little bee! : And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! KEN: Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? VANESSA: No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! KEN: Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... : My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! VANESSA: Goodbye, Ken. (Ken huffs and walks out and slams the door. But suddenly he walks back in and stares at Barry) : And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners MADE BY MAN! (Ken leaves again and Vanessa leans in towards Barry) VANESSA: I'm sorry about all that. (Ken walks back in again)
KEN: I know it's got an aftertaste! I LIKE IT! (Ken leaves for the last time) VANESSA: I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. : I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. : Are you OK for the trial? BARRY: I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. (Flash forward in time and Barry, Adam, and Vanessa are back in court) MONTGOMERY-- We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. ADAM: Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... (Barry stares at Adam) ...Yeah. LAWYER: Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. MONTGOMERY: Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around : is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. (To lawyer)

• You got the tweezers? LAWYER:
• Are you allergic? MONTGOMERY: Only to losing, son. Only to losing. : Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. : What exactly is your relationship (Points to Vanessa) : to that woman? BARRY: We're friends. MONTGOMERY:
• Good friends? BARRY:
• Yes. MONTGOMERY: How good? Do you live together? ADAM: Wait a minute... : MONTGOMERY: Are you her little... : ...bedbug? (Adam's stinger starts vibrating. He is agitated) I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,
  : doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? BARRY:
  
• Yeah, but... MONTGOMERY: (Pointing at Janet and Martin)
  
• So those aren't your real parents! JANET:
  
• Oh, Barry... BARRY:
  
• Yes, they are! ADAM: Hold me back! (Vanessa tries to hold Adam back. He wants to sting Montgomery) MONTGOMERY: You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? ADAM: He's denouncing bees! MONTGOMERY: Don't y'all date your cousins? (Montgomery leans over on the jury stand and stares at Adam) VANESSA:
  
• Objection! (Vanessa raises her hand to object but Adam gets free. He flies straight at Montgomery) =ADAM:
  
• I'm going to pincushion this guy! BARRY: Adam, don't! It's what he wants! (Adam stings Montgomery in the butt and he starts thrashing around)
  

MONTGOMERY: Oh, I'm hit!! : Oh, lordy, I am hit! JUDGE BUMBLETON: (Banging gavel) Order! Order! MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting) The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! : I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! : You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! : Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! BARRY: - Adam, stay with me. ADAM: - I can't feel my legs. MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting and throwing his body around the room) What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison : from my heaving buttocks? JUDGE BUMLBETON: I will have order in this court. Order!
: Order, please! (Flash forward in time and we see a human news reporter) NEWS REPORTER: The case of the honeybees versus the human race : took a pointed turn against the bees : yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. (Adam is laying in a hospital bed and Barry flies in to see him) BARRY: - Hey, buddy. ADAM: - Hey. BARRY: - Is there much pain? ADAM: - Yeah. : I... : I blew the whole case, didn't I? BARRY: It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. ADAM: I'd be better off dead. Look at me. (A small plastic sword is replaced as Adam's stinger) They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
: Look, there's a little celery still on it. (Flicks off the celery and sighs) BARRY: What was it like to sting someone? ADAM: I can't explain it. It was all... : All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! BARRY: ...All right. ADAM: You think it was all a trap? BARRY: Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. : What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. ADAM: What will the humans do to us if they win? BARRY: I don't know. ADAM: I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. BARRY: Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!
ADAM: Oh, my. (Coughs) Could you get a nurse to close that window? BARRY: - Why? ADAM: - The smoke. (We can see that two humans are smoking cigarettes outside) : Bees don't smoke. BARRY: Right. Bees don't smoke. : Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. : That's it! That's our case! ADAM: It is? It's not over? BARRY: Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. : Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. (Flash forward in time and Adam is making a paper boat in the courtroom) ADAM: And assuming you've done step 29 correctly, you're ready for the tub! (We see that the jury have each made their own paper boats after being taught how by Adam. They all look confused) JUDGE BUMBLETON:
Mr. Flayman. ADAM: Yes? Yes, Your Honor! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Where is the rest of your team? ADAM: (Continues stalling) Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. : Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, : and as a result, we don't make very good time. : I actually heard a funny story about... MONTGOMERY: Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs : taken up enough of this court's valuable time? : How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? : They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges : against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. : I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going : to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. ADAM: But you can't! We have a terrific case. MONTGOMERY: Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? : Show me the smoking gun! BARRY: (Barry flies in through the door) Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? : Here is your smoking gun. (Vanessa walks in holding a bee smoker. She sets it down on the Judge's podium) JUDGE BUMBLETON: What is that? BARRY: It's a bee smoker! MONTGOMERY: (Picks up smoker) What, this? This harmless little contraption? : This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. (Montgomery accidentally fires it at the bees in the crowd and they faint
and cough) (Dozens of reporters start taking pictures of the suffering bees) BARRY: Look at what has happened : to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" : Is this what nature intended for us? : To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines : and man-made wooden slat work camps? : Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? (Barry points to the honey industry owners. One of them is an African American so he awkwardly separates himself from the others) LAWYER: - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! ADAM AND VANESSA: Free the bees! Free the bees! BEES IN CROWD: Free the bees! HUMAN JURY: Free the bees! Free the bees! JUDGE BUMBLETON: The court finds in favor of the bees!
BARRY: Vanessa, we won! VANESSA: I knew you could do it! High-five! (Vanessa hits Barry hard because her hand is too big) : Sorry. BARRY: (Overjoyed) I'm OK! You know what this means? : All the honey will finally belong to the bees. : Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. MONTGOMERY: This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. : You'll regret this. (Montgomery leaves and Barry goes outside the courtroom. Several reporters start asking Barry questions) REPORTER 1#: Barry, how much honey is out there? BARRY: All right. One at a time. REPORTER 2#: Barry, who are you wearing? BARRY: My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.
(Barry flies outside with the paparazzi and Adam and Vanessa stay back) ADAM: (To Vanessa) - What if Montgomery's right? Vanessa: - What do you mean? ADAM: We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to a man) BUSINESS MAN: Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? BARRY: First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. (As Barry is talking we see a montage of men putting "closed" tape over the work camps and freeing the bees in the crappy apartments) Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, : every last drop. (Men in suits are pushing all the honey of the aisle and into carts) We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more (We see a statue of a bear-shaped honey container being pulled down by bees) than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. : We're all aware of what they do in the woods. (We see Winnie the Pooh sharing his honey with Piglet in the cross-hairs of a high-tech sniper rifle) BARRY: (Looking through binoculars)
Wait for my signal. : Take him out. (Winnie gets hit by a tranquilizer dart and dramatically falls off the log he was standing on, his tongue hanging out. Piglet looks at Pooh in fear and the Sniper takes the honey.) SNIPER: He'll have nausea for a few hours, then he'll be fine. (Flash forward in time) BARRY: And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... (Mr. Sting is sitting at home until he is taken out of his house by the men in suits) STING: But it's just a prance-about stage name! BARRY: ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products : and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. (An old lady is mixing honey into her tea but suddenly men in suits smash her face down on the table and take the honey) OLD LADY: Can't breathe. (A honey truck pulls up to Barry's hive) WORKER: Bring it in, boys! : Hold it right there! Good. : Tap it.
(Tons of honey is being pumped into the hive's storage) BEE WORKER 1#: (Honey overflows from the cup) Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! : - I think we need to shut down! =BEE WORKER #2= - Shut down? We've never shut down. : Shut down honey production! DEAN BUZZWELL: Stop making honey! (The bees all leave their stations. Two bees run into a room and they put the keys into a machine) Turn your key, sir! (Two worker bees dramatically turn their keys, which opens the button which they press, shutting down the honey-making machines. This is the first time this has ever happened) BEE: ...What do we do now? (Flash forward in time and a Bee is about to jump into a pool full of honey) Cannonball! (The bee gets stuck in the honey and we get a short montage of Bees leaving work) (We see the Pollen Jocks flying but one of them gets a call on his antenna) LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") We're shutting honey production! : Mission abort. POLLEN JOCK #1: Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. (The Pollen Jocks fly back to the hive)
(We get a time lapse of Central Park slowly wilting away as the bees all relax) BARRY: Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. ADAM: Oh, yeah? BARRY: What's going on? Where is everybody? (The entire street is deserted) : - Are they out celebrating? ADAM: - They're home. : They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. : I heard your Uncle Carl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. BARRY: At least we got our honey back. ADAM: Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? : It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. : This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. :
And now... : Now I can't. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to Vanessa) BARRY: I don't understand why they're not happy. : I thought their lives would be better! : They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. VANESSA: You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? BARRY: - What did you want to show me? (Vanessa takes Barry to the rooftop where they first had coffee and points to her store) VANESSA: - This. (Points at her flowers. They are all grey and wilting) BARRY: What happened here? VANESSA: That is not the half of it. (Small flash forward in time and Vanessa and Barry are on the roof of her store and she points to Central Park) (We see that Central Park is no longer green and colorful, rather it is grey, brown, and dead-like. It is very depressing to look at) BARRY: Oh, no. Oh, my. :
They're all wilting. VANESSA: Doesn't look very good, does it? BARRY: No. VANESSA: And whose fault do you think that is? BARRY: You know, I'm gonna guess bees. VANESSA== (Staring at Barry) Bees? BARRY: Specifically, me. : I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. VANESSA: It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. BARRY: That's our whole SAT test right there. VANESSA: Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. : And then, of course... BARRY: The human species? : So if there's no more pollination,
: it could all just go south here, couldn't it? VANESSA: I know this is also partly my fault. BARRY: How about a suicide pact? VANESSA: How do we do it? BARRY: - I'll sting you, you step on me. VANESSA: - That just kills you twice. BARRY: Right, right. VANESSA: Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. (Vanessa leaves) BARRY: (To himself) I had to open my mouth and talk. : Vanessa? : Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? (Vanessa is getting into a taxi) VANESSA: To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. :
They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. : It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. BARRY: Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. VANESSA: I know. Me neither. (The taxi starts to drive away) BARRY: Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. : Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? : Roses! : Vanessa! (Barry flies after the Taxi) VANESSA: Roses?! : Barry? (Barry is flying outside the window of the taxi) BARRY: - Roses are flowers! VANESSA: - Yes, they are. BARRY: Flowers, bees, pollen!
VANESSA: I know. That's why this is the last parade. BARRY: Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? VANESSA: Could you slow down? (The taxi driver screeches to a stop and Barry keeps flying forward) : Barry! (Barry flies back to the window) BARRY: OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. VANESSA: Yes, it kind of is. BARRY: I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you : with the flower shop. I've made it worse. VANESSA: Actually, it's completely closed down. BARRY: I thought maybe you were remodeling. : But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. VANESSA: I don't want to hear it!
BARRY: All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. : I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. : All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. : - Bees. VANESSA: - Park. BARRY: - Pollen! VANESSA: - Flowers. BARRY: - Re-pollination! VANESSA: - Across the nation! : Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. : They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. : Security will be tight. BARRY: I have an idea.
(Flash forward in time. Vanessa is about to board a plane which has all the Roses on board. VANESSA: Vanessa Bloome, FTD. (Holds out badge) : Official floral business. It's real. SECURITY GUARD: Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. =VANESSA== Thank you. It was a gift. (Barry is revealed to be hiding inside the brooch) (Flash back in time and Barry and Vanessa are discussing their plan) BARRY: Once inside, we just pick the right float. VANESSA: How about The Princess and the Pea? : I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! BARRY: Yes, I got it. : - Where should I sit? GUARD: - What are you? BARRY: - I believe I'm the pea. GUARD: - The pea? VANESSA:
It goes under the mattresses. GUARD: - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. VANESSA: You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! : Let's see what this baby'll do. (Vanessa drives the float through traffic) GUARD: Hey, what are you doing?! BARRY== Then all we do is blend in with traffic... : ...without arousing suspicion. : Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are about to get on a plane) SECURITY GUARD: Stop! Security. : - You and your insect pack your float? VANESSA: - Yes. SECURITY GUARD: Has it been in your possession the entire time? VANESSA: - Yes.
SECURITY GUARD: Would you remove your shoes? (To Barry) - Remove your stinger. BARRY: - It's part of me. SECURITY GUARD: I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. (Barry plotting with Vanessa) BARRY: Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are flying on the plane) Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! VANESSA: I think this is gonna work. BARRY: It's got to work. CAPTAIN SCOTT: (On intercom) Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. : We have a bit of bad weather in New York. : It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. VANESSA: Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. BARRY:
I gotta get up there and talk to them. VANESSA== Be careful. (Barry flies right outside the cockpit door) BARRY: Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. (The flight attendant opens the door and walks out and Barry flies into the cockpit unseen) BARRY: Captain, I'm in a real situation. CAPTAIN SCOTT: - What'd you say, Hal? CO-PILOT HAL: - Nothing. (Scott notices Barry and freaks out) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Bee! BARRY: No,no,no, Don't freak out! My entire species... (Captain Scott gets out of his seat and tries to suck Barry into a handheld vacuum) HAL: (To Scott) What are you doing? (Barry lands on Hals hair but Scott sees him. He tries to suck up Barry but instead he sucks up Hals toupee) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Uh-oh. BARRY: - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
HAL: (Hal doesn't know Barry is on his head) - Who's an attorney? CAPTAIN SCOTT: Don't move. (Scott hits Hal in the face with the vacuum in an attempt to hit Barry. Hal is knocked out and he falls on the life raft button which launches an infalatable boat into Scott, who gets knocked out and falls to the floor. They are both uncounscious.) BARRY: (To himself) Oh, Barry. BARRY: (On intercom, with a Southern accent) Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. : Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? (Vanessa looks confused) (Normal accent) ...And please hurry! (Vanessa opens the door and sees the life raft and the uncounscious pilots) VANESSA: What happened here? BARRY: I tried to talk to them, but then there was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. : Now one's bald, one's in a boat, and they're both unconscious! VANESSA: ...Is that another bee joke? BARRY:

• No! : No one's flying the plane! BUD DITCHWATER: (Through radio on plane) This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? VANESSA: This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. BUD: Where's the pilot? VANESSA: He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. BUD: Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? BARRY: As a matter of fact, there is. BUD:
• Who's that? BARRY:
• Barry Benson. BUD: From the honey trial?! Oh, great. BARRY: Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. : It's got giant wings, huge engines.

VANESSA: I can't fly a plane. BARRY: - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? VANESSA: - Yes. BARRY: How hard could it be? (Vanessa sits down and flies for a little bit but we see lightning clouds outside the window) VANESSA: Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. (An ominous lightning storm looms in front of the plane) (We are now watching the Bee News) BOB BUMBLE: This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, : where a suspenseful scene is developing. : Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... ADAM: That's Barry! BOB BUMBLE: ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers : and an incapacitated flight crew. JANET, MARTIN, UNCLE CAR AND ADAM: Flowers?! (The scene switches to the human news)
REPORTER: (Talking with Bob Bumble) We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls : with absolutely no flight experience. BOB BUMBLE: Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. BUD: I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. : They've done enough damage. REPORTER: But isn't he your only hope? BUD: Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. : Their wings are too small... BARRY: (Through radio) Haven't we heard this a million times? : "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."... BOB BUMBLE: - Get this on the air! BEE: - Got it.
BEE NEWS CREW: - Stand by. BEE NEWS CREW: - We're going live! BARRY: (Through radio on TV) ...The way we work may be a mystery to you. : Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. : But let me tell you about a small job. : If you do it well, it makes a big difference. : More than we realized. To us, to everyone. : That's why I want to get bees back to working together. : That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. : We get behind a fellow. : - Black and yellow! BEES: - Hello! (The scene switches and Barry is teaching Vanessa how to fly) BARRY:
Left, right, down, hover. VANESSA: - Hover? BARRY: - Forget hover. VANESSA: This isn't so hard. (Pretending to honk the horn) Beep-beep! Beep-beep! (A Lightning bolt hits the plane and autopilot turns off) Barry, what happened?! BARRY: Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. VANESSA: - That may have been helping me. BARRY: - And now we're not! VANESSA: So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. (The plane plummets but we see Lou Lu Duva and the Pollen Jocks, along with multiple other bees flying towards the plane) Lou Lu DUva: All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! : Move out! (The scene switches back to Vanessa and Barry in the plane) BARRY: Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! (Barry sticks out his arms like an airplane and flys in front of Vanessa's face)
VANESSA: Don't have to yell. BARRY: I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. VANESSA: It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! BARRY: It's not a tone. I'm panicking! VANESSA: I can't do this! (Barry slaps Vanessa) BARRY: Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! VANESSA: (Slaps Barry) You snap out of it. BARRY: (Slaps Vanessa) : You snap out of it. VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! (We see that all the Pollen Jocks are flying under the plane) VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it!
VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! VANESSA: - Hold it! BARRY: - Why? Come on, it's my turn. VANESSA: How is the plane flying? (The plane is now safely flying) VANESSA: I don't know. (Barry's antennae rings like a phone. Barry picks up) BARRY: Hello? LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? (All of the Pollen Jocks are carrying the plane) BARRY: The Pollen Jocks! : They do get behind a fellow. LOU LU DUVA: - Black and yellow. POLLEN JOCKS: - Hello. LOU LU DUVA: All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop. BARRY: Where? I can't see anything. Can you? VANESSA: No, nothing. It's all cloudy. : Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. BARRY: - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. (On the runway there are millions of bees laying on their backs) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. VANESSA: - What? BARRY: - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. : Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. : Bring the nose down. BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! CONTROL TOWER OPERATOR: - What in the world is on the tarmac? BUD: - Get some lights on that!
(It is revealed that all the bees are organized into a giant pulsating flower formation) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: - Vanessa, aim for the flower. VANESSA: - OK. BARRY: Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? LOU LU DUVA: Affirmative! BARRY: Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. : Land on that flower! : Ready? Full reverse! : Spin it around! (The plane's nose is pointed at a flower painted on a nearby plane) - Not that flower! The other one! VANESSA: - Which one? BARRY: - That flower. (The plane is now pointed at a fat guy in a flowered shirt. He freaks out and tries to take a picture of the plane) VANESSA: - I'm aiming at the flower!
BARRY: That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! (The plane hovers over the bee-flower) : Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. : Rotate around it. VANESSA: - This is insane, Barry! BARRY: - This's the only way I know how to fly. BUD: Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? (The plane is unrealistically hovering and spinning over the bee-flower) BARRY: Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! : Just drop it. Be a part of it. : Aim for the center! : Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! : Come on, already. (The bees scatter and the plane safely lands) VANESSA: Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!
BARRY: - Yes! (Vanessa is about to high-five Barry) No high-five! VANESSA: - Right. ADAM: Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? BARRY: What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! ADAM: - Thank you. BARRY: - But we're not done yet. : Listen, everyone! : This runway is covered with the last pollen : from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. : That means this is our last chance. : We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. : If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?
: Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? BEES: We're bees! BEE WHO LIKES KEYCHAINS: Keychain! BARRY: Then follow me! Except Keychain. POLLEN JOCK #1: Hold on, Barry. Here. : You've earned this. BARRY: Yeah! : I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. (The Pollen Jocks throw Barry a nectar-collecting gun. Barry catches it) Oh, yeah. JANET: That's our Barry. (Barry and the Pollen Jocks get pollen from the flowers on the plane) (Flash forward in time and the Pollen Jocks are flying over NYC) : (Barry pollinates the flowers in Vanessa's shop and then heads to Central Park) BOY IN PARK: Mom! The bees are back! ADAM: (Putting on his Krelman hat) If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time. : I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! (The bee honey factories are back up and running) (Meanwhile at Vanessa's shop) VANESSA: (To customer) Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Can I help who's next? : Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. (There is a room in the shop where Barry does legal work for other animals. He is currently talking with a Cow) COW: Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! : Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! BARRY: I had no idea. VANESSA: Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? BARRY: Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. MOOSEBLOOD: Sorry I'm late. COW: He's a lawyer too?
MOOSEBLOOD: Ma'am, I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. VANESSA: Have a great afternoon! : Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. BARRY: No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. VANESSA: You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? BARRY: All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. VANESSA: Thank you, Barry! (Ken walks by on the sidewalk and sees the "bee-approved honey" in Vanessa's shop) KEN: That bee is living my life!! ANDY: Let it go, Kenny. KEN: - When will this nightmare end?! ANDY: - Let it all go. BARRY: - Beautiful day to fly. POLLEN JOCK:

• Sure is. BARRY: Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. (Barry recreates the scene near the beginning of the movie where he flies through the box kite. The movie fades to black and the credits being) [--after credits; No scene can be seen but the characters can be heard talking over the credits--] You have got to start thinking bee, my friend! :
• Thinking bee!
• Me? BARRY: (Talking over singer) Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. : I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Can we stop here? SINGER: Oh, BarryBARRY: I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! SINGER: All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. BARRY: I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

This drama is mainly about the events of Season 7/World Championship 7 (WC7), the season of Battlebots that aired in 2023. Big spoilers for the season inbound, including the overall winner, along with spoilers of the outcomes and winners of previous seasons.
I will try my hardest to be unbiased which is hard because I am extremely biased and any attempt to be unbiased could only come across as enlightened centrism. I will simply try to keep the bias to a manageable level.

Battlebots

In case you don't know, Battlebots (well, combat robotics, but Battlebots is the most well-known and publicized event by an order of magnitude) is a... sport? Game? Hobby? Lifestyle? Where the goal is to throw two robots of a comparable weight against each other, with the goal to destroy each other. Battlebots itself is in the heavyweight category, with a 250 lb weight limit per robot. Other popular weight classes (relatively popular - heavyweight is the only televised one) are antweight (1 lb), beetleweight (3 lb), hobbyweight (12 lb), and lightweight (30 lb.) Battlebots itself airs on Discovery, generally with a main season and a spinoff season each year.
If you watched Battlebots back in the late 90s when it was on Comedy Central, you might remember robots that were basically big wedges pushing each other around a square and maybe occasionally taking a bit of armor off. That's not how it is anymore. Bots are destructive, powerful, and great spectacles to watch fight. Seriously, you should watch Battlebots. It's on Discovery+ and HBO Max. If you don't want to spend the money, Norwalk National Havoc Robotics League (NHRL) has competitions every few months that are livestreamed for free on Youtube in the smaller weight classes.
In case it's not clear from the write-up, Battlebots is filmed usually in the fall, and the season airs spring the next year. So all of the events in this write-up occurred over a 2-week period in OctobeNovember 2022, but only were public drama as the episodes aired January-May 2023. Much like any reality/game show, all the builders, production, etc. knew the outcome of the season before anything aired, there's just millions of dollars of NDAs.

The Culture

Something interesting about Battlebots that might surprise those unfamiliar with it is the culture. While teams work as hard as they can to reduce the other robot to splintered scrap in the box, back in the pits everyone is super awesome and nice and kind and helpful - a frequent occurrence is going to the pit of the bot you just took apart and seeing if there is any way you can help with the rebuild.
The classic example is in the 2021 season, when the iconic Witch Doctor's weapon disk kept breaking due to poor quality steel. They were scrambling to find material and resources to machine a new disk, when a ton of teams came together to save their season.
Team Sporkinok (yes, that's a trans Battlebot) lent them their pickup truck, to go pick up steel from a nearby supplier who was found by the captain of Team Blacksmith.
They needed to recreate the failure to figure out was wrong, so Team Shatter (the biggest, strongest hammer-bot in the competition) took their robot to the test box to try and break a disk.
They took the steel to the nearby build space of Team Chomp, who stayed up all night on their waterjet to cut new disks (the new disks worked well, by the way.)
After the season, they still didn't know for sure what the cause was, so they worked with Team Hypershock to create a dummy test robot, modeled after the very durable robot (and future 2022 champs) Tantrum, they could test the old disks on. They then sent the broken disks to a materials science lab run by a friend of the captain of Team Tantrum to perform materials analysis.
Many of these teams had fought Witch Doctor in the past, others would fight them in the future. But that doesn't matter - in robot combat, everyone is friends outside the box.
Right?

Riptide

Every year there are of course rookie bots competing for the first time. Sometimes from veteran teams and builders, such as last year's Blip (from the creators of Tantrum), or this year's RIPperoni, from former members of the teams behind Uppercut and P1, but just as often from new builders, at least new to heavyweight (almost nobody starts out with with the robots that can cost as much as a new car.)
One of these 'new-to-heavyweight' rookies last year was Riptide, captained by Ethan Kurtz (the guy with the "you know I had to do it to em" pose.) Ethan had found a good amount of success previously with the beetleweight Rival, and Riptide was basically Rival writ 80 times bigger. Riptide had a pretty good first season, winning 2 out of their 3 qualifying fights and making it to the quarterfinals before losing to the extremely good SawBlaze.
No real controversy, aside from a false start and early hit on HUGE in their first fight - written off as "I'm fighting a heavyweight on Battlebots for the first time" nerves, no hard feelings from anyone, not even HUGE. They also gave fan-favorite (formerly) indestructible brick Duck! such a bad thrashing that Duck! permanently retired after that fight (Duck! was having a bad year anyway, that fight was just the icing on the cake.)
Their success led to them co-winning Rookie of the Year alongside Glitch, who won an amazing 7 fights in a row, a feat only done before by 3-time championship winner and undisputed GOAT Bite Force (Glitch had to bow out of the tournament because their bot had taken irreparable damage despite the victories, but it's possible they could have extended it even further.) Riptide became well known for Ethan screaming "LET'S GO!" (or sometimes, "LET'S F------ GO"!", giving the censors a bit of a workout and annoying production) after big wins.
So coming into season 8, their sophomore year, hopes are high for Riptide and people want to see this breakout star do well, right? After all, there's no big controversy in their funding or anything, is there?

Stan Kurtz

Stan is the bald dude next to Ethan in the team picture. He's Ethan's dad, and also one of the main sponsors for the team through his company BeCourageous. Where did Stan Kurtz get his money to sponsor a big team? Well, he once had a company named RevitaPOP. RevitaPOP made vitamin B12 lollipops. If you know anything about 'alternative medicine,' this is where you say "oh no."
Stan Kurtz was once upon a time the president of Generation Rescue. Yes, that Generation Rescue, the Jenny McCarthy 'vaccines-cause-autism' one. He was instrumental in getting the 'movement' off the ground in the first place - I even seem to recall seeing a link to a talk he did where he said he was backstage for McCarthy's interview with Larry King, but I'm not about to sift through hours of his horrid talks and speeches to find it.
Stan Kurtz sold lollipops that he claimed cured autism, autism that he and his organization claimed was caused by vaccines. In fact, he claimed they even cured his son Ethan's autism! Remember this when you read about Ethan's behavior - it's not an excuse, but "autistic but prevented from going to any kind of therapy or anything because it would make his dad look like a liar" is certainly an explanation.
Let me divest into opinion for a sec. Stan Kurtz is evil. There is a direct line between the actions of Stan Kurtz promoting vaccine denalism and snake oil cures, and dead children. Fuck Stan Kurtz. Every other problem with Team Riptide could be overlooked if they did not have this dude as their primary sponsor (which necessarily would require replacing Ethan as captain, because you can't separate him from his dad financially.) Okay, back to the writeup.
But put a pin in "Riptide's captain and his dad are antivaxxers" - it's a surprise tool that will help us later.

Riptide in WC7

Fight 1: Glitch

Aside from that, people didn't have that much of an opinion on Riptide going in to WC7 (and even that wasn't too widely known until partway through the season.) Generally, there was a feeling of "let's see if they can keep it up" - often a lot of very promising rookie bots have weak second seasons. They started the season fighting Glitch, to see who was truly better. One hit, weapon-on-weapon, and Glitch fucking died. Upside down, weapon not spinning, no way to self-right.
Team Glitch asked Riptide to hit them again try to flip them back over, maybe knock some life back into the bot. Not an uncommon thing, but sometimes it backfires. Riptide did, launched Glitch across the box, and now Glitch was super-dead. Instant, extremely decisive knockout for Riptide. No drama yet.

Fight 2: MaD CatTer

Now on to the second fight. This one was against MaD CatTer, consisting of community college professor Martin Mason (goatee in the middle) and his students. Martin Mason is known for his intentionally cheesebally and over-the-top Macho Man imitation/homage, with lots of pointing at the camera and saying "Oh yeah!" Also by all regards the nicest man on planet Earth and one of the most beloved figures in combat robotics.
Of note is MaD CatTer's driver, Calvin Iba (guy beneath Martin's pointing hand.) Calvin Iba is one of the few builders better known for his smaller robot - his robot Lynx is the winningest beetleweight of all time, with an incredible 11 tournament wins, 8 undefeated, and an overall record of 86-11 as of December 2022 (and several events since then, but I can't find overall fight records of those events.) Now, Lynx is a very similar design to Rival (and therefore Riptide) - Lynx predates Rival by a few months, but the design is relatively generic and common at lower weight classes so it's not exactly plagarism.
This is relevant because Battlebots production tried to stir up drama, painting Calvin as angry that Ethan copied his bot and scaled it up to 250lb before Calvin could himself. For what it's worth Calvin did play into it a bit (he brought Lynx to the fight), but by all regards there aren't really any serious hard feelings about that. "Beater bars" (the weapon style of Riptide/Lynx/Rival) predate all three bots. Worth noting that Rival lost to Lynx in a brutal slugfest in the semifinals match of NHRL a few years ago, so maybe Ethan had a bit of a revenge arc more than anything.
On to the fight. MaD CatTer is a pretty serious bot - not most people's favorite to win it all, but a 'serious contender for semifinals' kind of bot - so nobody knew how this would go. It was back and forth for... about 10 seconds, then Riptide got one good hit and did not let up. MaD CatTer got taken apart like they never had before, left a smoking mess, stuck sideways against the arena wall, knocked out within a minute. Riptide then drove around a bit and punted pieces of MaD CatTer around the box, which got them a warning from the ref for being unsafe and for doing unnecessary damage to perfectly salvageable components of MaD CatTer. The team apologized later for that, saying they wouldn't do it again. Remember that.
Okay, two rapid knockouts against serious bots. Riptide is definitely not suffering from the sophomore curse. But in the post-fight interview, we did get a little taste of Ethan being a bit of a jerk - basically dismissed Calvin/Lynx as worse Riptide, and put his hand over Martin's mouth (without Martin's permission) as a way of saying "shut up wrestler man!" Could have been funny, but it came across as somewhat mean-spirited and Martin clearly was not cool with it (and Martin Mason is not a sore loser - he spends almost every post-fight interview gushing about how good the other robot is, even if MaD CatTer loses.) Production asked Calvin what he thought, and he said (while holding Lynx) "well, I designed this robot to be unbeatable, it's a great robot to base it off of. Good job." Good comeback.

Fight 3: Captain Shrederator

Captain Shrederator is a longtime veteran, being one of the few robots (alongside Witch Doctor, Hypershock, and Lock-Jaw) who has competed in all 7 seasons of the reboot. And they've competed for even longer - under various names and throughout various small tweaks, Captain Shrederator is basically the same robot as Phrizbee, from original Battlebots Season 3.0 in 2001. They're not exactly good by any modern standard, to be honest, but they're fun and an institution of the show. Worth noting that leading up to this fight, Nick Nave (son of Shrederator captain Brian Nave and a member of the team) had been hinting at possible controversy around this fight for a few weeks beforehand on the subreddit, so people were ready for some shit.
So going in, everyone expects Riptide to win. Here's a bot that made MaD CatTer look like a middleweight, versus a team with, at the time, a 6-18 career record. Riptide can't be complacent because even Shrederator can do some damage if you let it (by some metrics, Shrederator may have the most powerful weapon in the competition), but it's their fight to lose. Ethan Kurtz explains his strategy in an interview before the fight - get some big hits that flip Shrederator over. Once they're upside-down, they can't self-right and they'll be counted out. Makes sense, a solid, quick, safe, easy way to win. Well, watch the fight here if you can.
If you can't, I will summarize: It starts off with Shrederator dodging Riptide and spinning up, until eventually Riptide gets a solid hit that breaks a piece of Shrederator's shell off and destabilizes them. One more big hit from Riptide and Shrederator lands upside-down - it's over. Well, no. Riptide then goes in and hits them again before they can be counted out. And again. And again. And again. At this point Shrederator is basically completely dead, but it's still able to spin. Shrederator's team calls over to Riptide "yo, stop it we're dead already." Riptide hits Shrederator again. Riptide's weapon operator tells Ethan to hit him again. And so he does. And one more time, as sparks fly out of Shrederator's pulverized electronics. Riptide leaves Shrederator dead on the floor, as they go and, you guessed it, punt shrapnel around the box. At this point the referee has to physically take the controller from Ethan (while the rest of team Riptide tries to stop the ref.)
Of course this is a KO for Riptide, but in doing so they did around $10,000 worth of extra, unnecessary damage to Shrederator, and almost the entire bot had to be thrown out and rebuilt from spares. Riptide was not apologetic (and in fact later Ethan would gloat to the camera over how Team Shrederator hadn't even tried to rebuild their bot.) No members of Team Riptide helped Shrederator rebuild either, though one did offer. (It wasn't Ethan, Stan, or the weapon operator Sid.)
To say this was controversial to the community would be lying. Controversy requires some argument or debate. There was none - everyone thought Riptide went way too far. Riptide later tried to say "we interpreted their spinning as intent to keep fighting, and we couldn't hear them asking us to stop." Which was seen by most of the community as a load of crap, since Ethan had said to the camera that he didn't need to do those late hits just before the fight, and teams are bantering with each other in fights all the time. Riptide was formally warned by the ref again for this fight.
At this point, the editors I guess realized that controversy sells. In almost every remaining episode of the season, even ones where Riptide didn't fight, they had some clip of Riptide, or Ethan, or something else to rub in "these guys are really mean and have a good bot, wHaT iF tHeY wIn???" Very much a 'whenver Riptide's not on screen, all the other robots should be asking "Where's Riptide?"' situation. It got old very fast (read: instantly.)

Fight 4: Black Dragon

You want to talk about beloved teams, you have to mention Black Dragon. This Brazilian team is known for two things - their plush duck, which they won in a claw machine the first time they came to the US for a competition and have kept as a good luck charm ever since, and their durability - they had gone a near-record 24 matches without ever getting knocked out, winning all of those fights or losing by judge's decision. Leading up to this fight, Battlebots kept having segments showing how Black Dragon had almost surpassed Bite Force for the "most fights without a KO" streak (Bite Force was never KO'd in its entire 4-season career, going 26-1 with 1 lost JD.) Of course, then they had to fight Riptide.
This fight was probably the least controversial Riptide fight of the season - you can watch it here. Riptide went in and did not let up, unrelenting, leading to the Brazilian bot suffering their first ever KO in under a minute. Riptide was actually pretty chill in the post-fight interview, very respectful towards Black Dragon - I guess that ref warning stuck. For now. With that, Riptide advanced to 4-0 in the qualifiers, and ended up securing themselves the #2 overall seed (behind the undefeated Brazilian monster Minotaur, a favorite to win it all every season and the season 3 runner-up.)

Round of 32: Shatter

For those who don't know, Battlebots has a series of qualifying fights (this year, 4 fights per bot) to determine, out of the contenders (50 this year), which 32 get to compete in the tournament for the Giant Nut, and where they will be seeded. As the #2 seed, Riptide got to fight the #31 seed - hammer-bot Shatter, who you saw earlier helping Witch Doctor. Now, let me not mince words - Shatter was fucked. To paraphrase a comment I saw, "If Shatter drives like a god, gets the most perfect hammer shots ever, and in general is the best a hammer has ever looked in the history of hammers... they will still lose." There was no way Shatter could ever, ever win, barring some kind of catastrophic self-induced failure from Riptide. But damn it, Shatter captain Adam Wrigley was sure as hell going to try.
Now, for more info, the bots have rules that govern what you can do. There's a lot, but 2 are relevant - strict 250 lb weight limit, and the tip speed of a spinning weapon cannot exceed 250 mph. Bots are weighed before each fight to confirm the weight limit, and all bots with spinners have to do tip speed tests in the test box. After the weigh-in, you cannot modify or work on your bot in any way without the approval of production and safety. Not for anything. Maybe a sticker if you want.
So when a Shatter team member found Riptide working on their bot in the tunnel leading from the pits just before the fight, questions were had, and team Shatter demanded Riptide be reweighed and tip speed retested (there were rumors in the pits that they were spinning faster than 250mph.) The team later explained they were attaching a plastic hammer to the robot to mimic Shatter (teams doing funny decorative mods to their bot to mimic the other bot is a longstanding tradition.) All evidence seemed to point to that being the case, so nobody thinks they were lying about it, but it still warranted a reweigh. My opinion - that's fine, but tell production. If people think you're going to do something illegal, and you do something legal but in a way that looks illegal, don't be surprised when people think you're doing something illegal.
I will note that the show made a big deal out of how when Riptide was weighed before they were 'caught,' they weighed in at 250 lb, and the re-weighing said they were 248. There was some concern from Shatter about that, not helped by Stan Kurtz being kind of smug back to them. In response to one Shatter member asking "Why is it 248 now and 250 before?", Stan responded "You're right, there's something wrong. We made it lighter." Now, the thing with this is that there are multiple scales, they're not extremely precise, and if anyone has ever worked with industrial scales before you know how easily they come out of calibration. Some builders have said that whether or not the AC was on could add a pound of weight from the airflow. The "250lb" scale was not the same as the "248lb" scale as well. Generally, nobody really thinks there is something up with the weight, but working on the bot post-weigh-in absolutely warrants a reweigh, no matter who it is.
Riptide complained a lot about it, to the point where the word "whiney" comes to mind. You messed up, teams are meant to tell production before they add decorative stuff and you didn't, so you need to be reweighed. You've already pissed people off in the past so don't be surprised when they give you a bit more scrutiny. Take your lumps, apologize, act like adults, and maybe people will give you the benefit of the doubt next time. Instead, there was a lot of "oh boo is me, we're being discriminated against" - a direct quote from Ethan is "their paranoia is affecting our performance, I think it's really uncool that they did this." Granted, if the scale drifted the other way and they had to lose 2lb of armor to satisfy the arbitrary scale drift, I would get it more, but as it is they just look, well, whiney.
At this time, unbeknownst to anyone until they revealed it on a livestream, Team Whyachi (the team behind the powerful flipper Hydra, engine of (self-)destruction Fusion, and Comedy Central-era legend Son of Whyachi, who had the pit next to Riptide, was asked by production to put a spy camera up to make sure everything was above board. Allegedly they also began doing analysis of the audio and video of the actual fights, to make sure teams (read: one team) weren't cheating and spinning faster than the "maximum speed" they did in the test box.
However, aside from the (explainable, acceptable) scale drift, Riptide was not found to be cheating with tip speed or anything else. Shatter accepted this without complaint - they just wanted to be sure. So, that's out of the way. Ethan basically said "they are paranoid and are trying to ruin us so we will crush them" - fair enough, I suppose. Here's the fight (note: this video includes the entire 'weigh-in' drama before the fight if you want to watch it instead of just reading about it.) For what it's worth, Shatter lasted longer than anyone yet against Riptide - almost 2 minutes - but it went the way everyone expected. The most unexpected thing was in the post-fight, where Ethan basically said "Adam is a paranoid loser" (alongside, allegedly, some more personal insults that got cut), then went in for a "sporting" handshake. Unsurprisingly, Adam refused it.
Now, Adam is basically the "union rep" for the builders - he's the guy chosen (by the builders) to represent them when Battlebots is thinking about changing the rules. He is a very widely respected guy and is by all accounts very sporting and nice. So when you've pissed him off enough that he refuses the handshake (only the second refused handshake in modern Battlebots history, as far as I am aware), you know you fucked up. But either way, Riptide is on to the round of 16.

Round of 16: Hypershock

You saw Hypershock earlier. They're quite good - definitely a contender, though generally not going to be anyone's main pick to win it all. This year, they were the #18 seed after a rough set of qualifiers, fighting 2021 champs End Game, 2021 runner-up Whiplash, perennial contender SawBlaze, and the confusingly fast Claw Viper (seriously watch this, look how fast that boy is.) But after a solid win over #15 seed Lucky, they were on to the round of 16.
When I say Hypershock is a fan favorite, I mean they are the fan favorite - between their iconic style, aggressive driving, and captain Will Bales's humor and charisma, it's probably not wrong to say Hypershock is the most popular bot and team around. People love Hypershock, and people don't love Riptide, so this fight had a lot of "save us, O-Will Bales Kenobi, you're our only hope" energy with the community. Leading up to this, Will said in an interview that Riptide was good, but every team can't be good forever, and that someday Ethan will experience, in Will's words, a "humbling event."
But Hypershock wasn't the odds-on favorite here - Will Bales's flashy driving tends to lead to errors, and against something as nasty as Riptide, any error is death. The full fight isn't uploaded, but here's a clip of the post-fight highlight reel. Will started out doing a 'box rush' (charging straight at the other bot as soon as the fight starts), only to attempt to dodge to the side. Unfortunately, this led to him powersliding directly into Riptide's weapon, losing a wheel, and getting flipped over.
Now, the thing with vertical spinners in Battlebots is they spin 'up' - this means that the outer side goes up and the inner side goes down, so you can brace your own bot against the floor and send the other one flying. Now Hypershock is upside down, effectively spinning 'down,' so the energy from hits pushes the other bot down and themselves up. Riptide is spinning 'up' as normal. Both of these are extremely powerful weapons. Both want to send Hypershock into the air. So what happens when they collide? The energy of both weapons goes into sending Hypershock flying up over 25 feet and slamming into the ceiling of the Battlebox. Remember that that thing weighs 250 pounds. To quote Will in the post-fight interview, "nobody has ever been hit like that before." Much to the chagrin of Hydra captain Jake Ewert, who had the goal of being the first-ever bot to send another bot into the ceiling (and came within inches in their fight against Deathroll), Riptide made Battlebots history here.
The rest of the fight goes as expected at this point and Hypershock is KO'd, with Riptide moving into the quarterfinals. Sorry Will, you aren't the humbling event this time.

Quarterfinals: Copperhead

It's the final episode of the season - the quarterfinals, semifinals, and finals are all in one episode. People are spooked because Riptide is a incredible, powerful bot built and driven by shitty people, and nobody wants them to win but they might. But to go any further, they have to beat Copperhead.. This snake-themed bot is probably best known for getting a new captain almost every year, and this year it's Luke Quintal in charge for his first time. They just came off of an insanely dominant upset over 2021 champs End Game.
Luke has said that he was too focused on Copperhead to pay attention to the controversy, so he became aware of it when, leading up to this fight, builders kept coming up to him and whispering in his hear "dude, you have to beat Riptide. You have to beat them. You might be our last hope." He's just a first-year captain/driver, with the oldest bot in the competition (Copperhead has had the same two frames for its entire 4-year career - this is the longest any frame has competed in the history of modern Battlebots without replacement), who's had to have back-to-back fights against rookie of the year Ripperoni, 2018 Most Destructive winner ROTATOЯ, and End Game. No pressure.
Now, people have tried ways to beat Riptide. You can't just tank their hits with a durable bot (Black Dragon.) You can't outdrive them with fancy footwork (Hypershock.) But something nobody has been man insane enough to try is to go weapon-to-weapon on purpose to break Riptide's weapon. Copperhead just went weapon-to-weapon with End Game and broke theirs. Copperhead is durable enough to take those huge hits Riptide deals out. So their strategy is to just go berserk until something breaks. But there's one major plot twist left.
Remember how I said the Kurtzes are anti-vaxxers? Well, the pandemic is still going on. In order to get into the pits, you either had to be double-vaxxed or test negative every day. Well, there's no confirmation that Ethan was or was not vaxxed (but let's be real), but guess what? In the greatest Chekhov's gun in Battlebots history, he tested positive for COVID the day of the Copperhead fight. Riptide is out their driver for their biggest fight ever.
Other builders have confirmed that this was not the first or only time that team members had to miss days due to testing positive, but previous times either 1) did not involve the drivers, or 2) were in the qualifying rounds where fights could be postponed to following days. But neither was the case this time. Now, this is really a shitty situation for Riptide, and I do feel some degree of pity for them - what a thing to happen. But at the same time, lmao.
Riptide has to spend most of the day deciding who would drive the robot in the fight. The first person they ask? Jack Barker, driver of End Game and 2021 world champion. Jack agreed - can you blame him? Riptide is a hell of a bot, probably super fun to drive, and who knows, maybe he could win another Giant Nut. This got as far as Jack driving Riptide around the test box, before Luke found out and was like "hang on, no. He's not on your team. It's not fair that you can just go to the best driver in the pits and ask them to drive for you." Production agreed and hastily made a new rule where the driver has to be a member of the team. This all was not in the episode, and was only revealed by Luke Quintal after the season aired.
Team Riptide then deliberated between the several members of the team who might stand a chance. They eventually decide on team member Felix Jing, who's an award-winning Vex Robotics driver but has never driven a heavyweight before. Felix seemed to be a nice enough guy, and pretty humble. However, in the deliberations over who would drive, they lose time and are unable to replace their damaged weapon from the Hypershock fight.
So the fight. Riptide box rushes Copperhead, and the first weapon-to-weapon sends Copperhead flying. Luke's bot is still going, though, and goes in for another clash. This goes on for a few hits, until a massive hit sends Copperhead flying up and Riptide flying back - but when they come to, Copperhead's weapon is spinning... and Riptide's weapon is cracked down the middle, exactly what Copperhead was aiming for.
Copperhead does not let up and keeps hitting, eventually ripping about a quarter of Riptide's weapon off completely. However, the damage from the last 4 years of fighting added up. Those big hits from Riptide were the final straw - one of Copperhead's two wheels just falls off. Copperhead can still move, just about, on just one wheel, but suddenly this fight got a lot closer. They keep hitting Riptide, but it goes to the judges after the full 3 minutes.
It's a split decision. Battlebots is scored on an 11-point system - 5 points for damage, and 3 each for aggression and control.
All three judges gave Copperhead three damage points to Riptide's two and Riptide two control points to Copperhead's one.
The first judge scored aggression 2-1 for Copperhead. 6-5 Copperhead.
The second judge scored aggression 2-1 for Riptide. 6-5 Riptide.
The third judge scored aggression 2-1 for the winner...
Copperhead!
They did it, they saved the goddamn universe. We will not have to live in a world where the ur-anti-vaxxer and his dickhead kid win Battlebots. Everyone is fucking ecstatic. I cheered. The audience cheered. God probably cheered. And boy, did the pits cheer - some builders have said this was the biggest celebration in the pits they had ever seen. Tim Rackley of Monsoon (big lad with the flag) apparently was picking Luke up and carrying him around the pits cheering. Riptide is out.
It's a pity Ethan wasn't there to experience his 'humbling event' in person, but it happened. He was there on a video call on a tablet - apparently, production did ask him how he felt and he went on a 5-minute rant about how the team was being forced to face jealousy and adversity because they had to get reweighed. The entire rant was cut from the episode that aired. I've seen conflicting reports if he said "if I was there we would have won," but it would be in character if he did.
Team Riptide used their appeal (each team gets one) to ask the judges to re-review the fight - they did (absolutely fair - you have nothing to lose, anyone should appeal in this situation), and as though to rub it in even more, the sole judge who ruled for Riptide changed his mind about Riptide's aggression, giving Copperhead a unanimous JD. The saga of Riptide in WC7 ends here.

Aftermath

There was zero drama of any kind for the rest of the season (all 3 fights of it.) All the fights were great, clean fights between respected and respectful teams and robots. Copperhead ended up losing to HUGE in the semi-finals - no surprise or shame there, HUGE is designed to be invincible to bots like Copperhead. HUGE ended up facing the mighty SawBlaze in the finals, and in probably the best finals match in combat robotics history, SawBlaze managed to win a unanimous JD, giving SawBlaze captain Jamison Go the Giant Nut.
Literally zero people were unhappy with this - both Jamison and HUGE captain Jonathan Schultz are some of the nicest, most genuine, humble builders in the sport, and going into the finals it was very much a "no matter who wins we all win" kind of thing. Both bots are also "non-meta" - "meta" being the general form of bot that Hypershock, Riptide, Witch Doctor, Copperhead, etc. are, a compact vertical spinner - seasons 3-6 saw meta bots win both first place and runner-up, so people were excited to see a finals match with something new on both sides.
This was very recent, so no news if Riptide will be invited back next year. I would be shocked if they weren't, though - controversy sells, and regardless of how bad the team is, the robot is a killing machine that makes for incredible spectacles. There is allegedly a "sportsmanship rule" being added next year - it's a pity that something that has gone unspoken for decades has to codified in rules because of the actions of one team, but hopefully it will help. Between unethical sponsors, destroying fan favorite bots, being rude both inside and outside the box, cheating allegations, and a stunning lack of humility, Riptide really checked all the boxes in the 'bad guys' field this year.
I could say "the viewing community is willing to give Riptide one more chance to apologize and redeem themselves" but that would be a lie. For the most part, the subreddit, main Discord, etc. are all sick and tired of ever seeing the team again, and would love nothing more than for some cool, nice builder to hijack the bot so we can have cool robots and cool people. I don't know how the builders feel - I imagine that they're probably not quite as vehemently opposed to the team on average, but there's probably no love lost.
I enjoyed writing this up quite a lot, because it really was a classic "villain defeats the main good guys, but then the underdog comes out of nowhere and saves the day" story. Also Battlebots rules. Feel free to ask me anything about the show, or any bots, or if you want to see some cool bots that I didn't include. And seriously, watch Battlebots, it's so good. Check out /battlebots - it's the off-season, so the shitposts are about to get real good. I'm running out of characters so the collection of miscellaneous facts I originally had stuck on the end of this writeup is going to be in the comments.

Single, well educated (masters degree), business suit wearing professional working on Bay Street looking to connect with a likeminded younger woman between the ages of 18-25. My professional work life is extremely demanding, as I’m in a leadership position, and so discretion is key and will be afforded back in return. This can be a short NSA or a longer term relationship if we both vibe.
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I'm 35, 6’0, 190, in decent shape, have an amazing spot of my own near King West and can host or travel to yours if you prefer. I'm very kink friendly, experienced in the BDSM lifestyle for a number of years including aspects of DD/LG, CNC, rough sex, anal etc. I've been the "first" for a number of women who've ventured into this world and take pride in being a patient teacher so that everyone has a positive experience. Consent and communication is key for me and I'm very open in sharing and talking about my kinks to see if we have any overlaps between us and/or ones worth exploring.
Outside of the bedroom, I'm into reading classics (fiction), planting, listening to music (indie/alt rock, hip hop, top 40), watching documentaries, BBQing in the summer and skiing/skating during winter. I love trying out new bars in the city, take in a standup comedy show and attend live sports events (leafs, raptors and TFC). My go to drink is red wine and can make you a mean Gin+Tonic as an added bonus ;)
About You:
Be local, kink positive and have your list of fantasies, hard limits ready so we can gauge our compatibility. Your level of experience within BDSM isn't a factor as I've played with women over both sides of the spectrum and have enjoyed ourselves immensely.
If any of this intrigues you, feel free to send me a message. Ideally we can exchange some texts/pics and meet up for a drink to see how we vibe in real life. Happy hunting!

Summary: A labor dispute coupled with an outbreak of unknown disease pushes all sides to war and a new truth.
I Was a Pilot on Strike. This is Why We Went Back to Work.
I was the second in command activist pilot in the Union based at O'Hare International, the unofficial headquarters of the strike movement. I remember when our strike started to heat up very vividly.
Fred, our Union boss, and Leo, the first in command activist, were sitting in the pilot's lounge, watching the tv coverage flash our picket lines from airports across the country. Something like “what do we want? The Package. When do we want it? Now!”
The Package was the nickname for our list of demands which included more security in the wake of the so-called Body Bombings last year, better pay and benefits, more job security, and perhaps, most controversially, cleaner fuel and fuel efficiency standards for current and future airliners.
The TV chirped up again, “well, folks its the twenty first day of the pilot strike most jets have been grounded now for the last eighteen as the pilots and their associated ground personnel unions have occupied major airports – only major international carriers at the coastal hubs are landing or departing now as we've seen a huge increase in train and car travel as we approach the fourth of july weekend. That's right, and our next top story as we gather for the holiday for first time after the omicron wave, health officials are advising to watch out for symptoms of a new skin...”
Fred hit mute on the remote. Fred was a balding, thick man, with thick arm hair, rolling over his grizzled sun burned flesh like barbed wire.
Leo lit up a cigarette. Leo was short, thin, and young in his looks but old, like faux 50's old in his heart. “There's no smoking in here, Leo,” Fred said sternly.
Leo didn't flinch.
Then Fred broke a smile and chuckled.
“Media bums aren't even interested in what we want anymore.” I said.
“Only these media bums. Follow the money.” Leo mumbled over his cancer stick. “That media group got a lot of money out of the bailout. Probably more than us.”
Fred looked at his watch, “We should probably get going.”
“Make em sweat for once, for Christ sake.” Leo nearly spat out his smoke.
“I'm with Leo on this one, Fred” I said.
So we made the negotiators sweat a little longer.
About an hour later we finally met them at the table. We sat on the left, the various airline owners sat on the right. This was the third time during the last three weeks but now, there was a new guy at the head of the table, a Federal mediator.
The Mediator had black rimmed almost square glasses, thick gray hair, and a blotchy face, “I'm calling this meeting to order. Before I present this offer, I have impress upon both sides how essential it is we start our air travel again soon, both for the holiday but also the good of the country. I am at this time presenting a voluntary compromise – officially, the Federal government supports the pilots' initiative to enhance security in the wake of the last year's incidents and we are prepared to use some of the unspent bailout money to supplement private airliner's initiatives and spending. We are also sympathetic to pilots and ground crews positions on their pay and benefits. The Federal government, however, is not, at this time, interested in imposing nor supporting job security, nor fuel charges nor efficiency standards. I yield to the industry representatives for comment.”
The chief industry rep, Michelson Connery, was a young looking, smooth talking, sleaze bag with jet black hair from New Jersey who had a habit of touching his coke inflamed nose every five minutes or so.
“You know back in Jersey, we're used to being shaken down, as they say. Now we appreciate the nice talk, we appreciate your brass knuckles and tommy guns are firmly tucked away, we appreciate you're giving us a break or too, but a shake down is a shake down none the less. No deal. I yield.”
Fred sat up in his chair, his mouth agape, he cleared his throat while adjusting his microphone, “No deal.” He flopped back into his chair.
“Before we depart,” the Mediator quelled the commotion as both parties began to leave, “As I said the federal government has a strong interest in resuming flights as soon as possible, we are considering using our unique power to impose a settlement on the Union, if necessary.”
Fred lurched forward, “What kind of power? What kind of threat is this?”
“It's no threat.” The Mediator paused, “It's a threat to a threat, if necessary, we will invoke our powers under various emergency statutes to effectively Federalize pilots and ground crews – under those provisions, we would impose work or removal provisions to settle this.”
“That's total bull!” Fred lunged at the Mediator, “You're basically telling us all they have to do is wait it until you force us back to work! And what about the future? These efficiency standards aren't just about hippie dippie environmental stuff, its about fleet upgrades, fleet safety and thus worker and pilot safety!”
“Gentlemen, please, I putting something on the table and it has neither a definite nor indefinite timeline – in the meanwhile, your adversaries are hemorrhaging cash and depreciating their capital and you're folks – especially your ground crew union, are running out savings – I suggest you both, in good faith, consider the current and official Federal position in good time to sort this out sooner than later rather than a threat of a threat become a threat. Good day.”
Within hours, each side called a respective press conference. Industry denounced the compromise set out by the Feds while we denounced their denouncement. Neither side budged and neither side disclosed the Mediator's so called “threat of a threat”. We sat on the picket lines for another week as each side floated various non-serious proposals and misinformation in the media. We found ourselves back in the pilot lounge before our next round of serious negotiations. This time Fred and Leo were both smoking while I had to exhale bad news.
“The ground crew union is gunna crack first, Industry is offering them a side deal and I think they're gunna take it. They go back to work, it's gunna be next to impossible to leverage the whole of the hubs, then the scabs come in, they'll just work around us.” I told Leo and Fred. “Then we maybe we should float lower pay increases for ourselves. Overall, you pay the few pilots a little bit more, you pay the huge ground crew nothing more, that sounds like the win for us and Industry.” Leo pitched back. “Leo, where do we stand on public support?” Fred inquired.
“I don't know.”
“What do you mean you don't know?”
Leo clicked on the TV, “our top story tonight, farm fields across the country are now being seemingly afflicted by some kind of blight resulting in, at in some cases, widespread crop failures as the department of agriculture is mum. Meanwhile, more and more people are reporting severe skin deformations and damage while the CDC has been all but muzzled save for recommending that people stay inside and avoid direct sunlight. At this time there is speculation but no official word the crop blight and the skin disease are connected.” “See, it's all blight this, blight that.”
“So fake,” Fred said, “I've been out in the damn sun all week on the line and I've got nothing. Whatever the damn news wants to keep real progress from being made here. Anyway, I say we stay the course and we firm it up with the ground crews, have some solidarity.”
There was a knock on the door, “heh, maybe this good news.” Fred left his seat to open the door. A neutral representative walked through and announced the Federal Mediator has canceled the session. Leo and I brewed up from our seats to go raise holy hell with Fred at the mediator's delegation when all the television screens in the lounge turned to an Emergency Announcement Service message. Leo fumbled to unmute the television as the seal of the office of the President blasted on all the screens. “My fellow Americans, it is with great dismay that after nearly a month of grounded air travel across these great United States, because of a dispute over many complex issues, I am forced to use the power legislated to the executive branch by various emergency statutes, that I am announcing the immediate federalization of pilots and ground crews. Effective immediately, they will have a forty eight hour cooling off period before I am ordering them, as federal employees, to return to work or be dismissed. Also, their demands for higher pay and better benefits will be met in part by the conditions of Federal employment. I will be going to Congress, in the morning, to seek long term funding for our new national employees to secure their jobs for a long while. Any deviation from this will have significant physical consequences...”
The TV trailed off as representatives from the ground crews burst into the room in a ruckus, “Long term employment my ass! That jackass knows this is a bandaid – there's no way Congress is gunna pay us, in ninety days, we're as good as fired, begging for our old jobs with no retirement and no Unions.” Ground Crew Union Head Reggie Weston flipped off the TV. “I say, we sit on the damn runways after forty eight hours! You're with us, right? Can I get a yes yes?”
“And here we heard you were about to sell us out and now you're all about it huh?” Leo grumbled. “It was nothing like that. I swear. You know how much talk flies.” Reggie looked offended.
“I'm with Reggie, this is unbelievable, just like that our retirement plan, what? Probably gone? We're not employees anymore afterall. Forced to work – basically at gunpoint now. No. No. No.” I said. “Fred?” Leo prodded.
Fred stood there scratching his scalp in dismay and despair then he straightened himself up, took a drag off his smoke, and turned to us, “Tell all folks, we're going to war.”
We were a bit concerned some of the locals might pull off on the eve of the forty eight hour period but when the forty ninth came, they were steadfast and when they fired us, and then the cops came in, we were ready, both in the courts, and on the lines. On day four, ninety six hours after the announcement, the picket lines were more like trenches, and the pilot's lounge a war room. Each airport was a mini Battle of Blair Mountain. I had my arm wrapped up in an ice pack from a rubber bullet ricochet while Leo was still furiously blinking out yesterday's pepper spray. Fred hadn't been back from the riot on the runways.
Rocks, molotov cocktails scorch marks, and burned out tear gas canisters dotted the parking lots and tarmacs. Overturned vending machines, kiosks, and stacked chairs and tables from the food courts barricaded the concourses. A fire started in one of the hangers and it only just now started to burn itself out. They cut the power and we sweltered in that Midwest heat as we quickly discovered how poorly insulating all of the windows actually were. We had a few generators but they were being used to run the CCTV cameras which we connected to some of the TVs in the pilot's lounge so we could see which direction the next charge was coming from and send out warnings.
On the fifth day an injunction had been filed and granted against the entire federalization and the cops withdrew to their side of the no man's land. It wasn't a moment too soon as we the pilots and the ground crews were nearly depleted.
It was early that morning as the leadership started to gather in the pilot's lounge that we got our first of several mortifying discoveries.
Reggie held a flashlight to his bruised face as he announced, “We lost contact with our brothers at LAX and Denver International.”
“How? Why? Did they surrender?”
“I don't know about LAX but I got this out of Denver.” Reggie played a video on his phone. It was poorly lit and unsteady but in the dark of the early morning you could make out the sound and outline of two large transport helicopters. As they hovered for a landing, someone out of the frame shone a large flashlight against the side. The helicopters were civilian in design and bore the shield of a notorious private military contractor – the Blackdogs. Some one else shouts “get ready!” as black tactical troops streamed out of the choppers and the video abruptly ends.
“Oh my god!” I exclaimed, “They're gunna try to Pinkerton us.”
“What about the damn injunction?” Leo stormed.
“It's an injunction on the feds, the cops. These are private operators. I'm assuming that they're bought and paid for by Industry.”
“You think they're gunna kill us?” Leo pondered.
It was then, the for the first time, during all of this, even after taking that rubber bullet, that I felt real fear and real uncertainty about the outcome and justness of all of it. It was the first time I considered blinking. Then it got worse.
There was a commotion at the door as some of the ground crew and pilots pulled in a makeshift stretcher with Fred laying on it.
“Oh my God, what did they do to him?” Leo exclaimed as he came to help pull him into the room. There was too many people around to see Fred clearly, something like a towel was covering most his face and head. Fred could barely speak and was clearly in some kind of distress. My thought was tear gas but none had been fired for hours and usually someone inundated with it start everyone off into similar distress.
The crowd broke as I huddled in, I shown my flashlight around him to see.
“Pull it off, pull it off, they have to see” Fred gasped.
Some of the ground crew members pulled off the towel and I could plainly see Fred's face and head – what was left of it anyway. I staggered back a step.
“It's the Blight, guys, half of the ground crew, they look like this, now!” Fred yelled. “I can't, I can't feel any of it and I can't see!”
His eyes were whited out like he had severe cataracts and his head, most of his face, and arms were encrusted in bulging, asymmetric, blotches, lesions, and black marks of various sizes and textures. It looked like he had been horribly burned.
“Hey, guys!” Reggie barked out over the shock and attempts to help Fred. “Cameras are down!”
“Well when the shit did that happen?” Leo exploded as he buzzed around the jerry rigged monitors hoping to get signal back.
I picked up my radio and asked everyone to report in, the south, east, and west reported but the north was just static.
Leo tried to rally some of the guys helping Frank to head to the north but they and Fred protested saying there weren't enough guys without the Blight to go stop a push if there was one. Everyone was silent just a moment and in that moment we heard the sound of some thirty guns cocking just outside of the pilot's lounge door.
“Fred Little, Leo Jones, and Mark Debs, step out of the lounge slowly and peacefully, we wish to negotiate the end of this.”
“Fred is incapacitated,” I yelled back with a dry mouth, “Reggie Weston of the Ground Crew Union, Leo and I stepping down. Don't shoot.” I said sheepishly.
Leo and Reggie looked to me to push open the door as I did I was immediately blinded by the tactical lights of some twenty or so submachine guns.
The same voice came again, “keep stepping through the lights, that's it, nice and slow, no one is going to hurt you. I just want to talk and show you something.”
Leo and I made it past the lights into a glare lit spot of the terminal where the commander of this platoon of Blackdogs with his two personal retinue stood with their helmets off, “I'm commander Don Doughty. I'm here on behalf of country and I would like to share something with you.”
“Commander, with all due respect, there's an injunction in place.”
“I know, that's why this is a private operation, not a military or police one.”
“Look, we don't have to go with you.”
“Look, you do. Now I'm going to level with both of you. We stormed the other airports today, you probably heard, a lot of my company men are hurt, a few near death, but we know you're not holding out. We know most of you have the Blight now and that's why we're here.”
“Why you're here, huh? No dedicated medical personnel, no biohazard suits? Kind of strange for what you're saying is a mission of medical mercy for a disease of unknown origin?” Leo perked up.
“It's not unknown. In fact, it's one of the most common diseases around. What is still unknown is if I have to drag you to what I want to show you or if you'll come willingly.”
Leo and I looked at each other and then back at Don. He was disarming and rational, something I hardly expected but he also had our number and between the Blight and the willingness of the government to now literally put guns to our heads to go back to work, I had so many questions and he was offering the answers. Leo and I went willing. We stepped out of the terminal and took a motorized cart to the fuel hangers as Don requested.
On the cart, Don started to open up, “Leo, Mark, tell me what you know about chemtrails.”
Leo scoffed while I replied, “chemtrails, yeah, I've some whacko come up to me in a few bars shouting in my ear about how as a pilot I am unwittingly spraying geo-engineering materials to change the Earth or make global warming real or spreading COVID or nerve gas in contrails. The kookiness seems to change by season. Why?”
“Next question. Do either of you know what CFC's are?”
Leo piped up, “Chloroflorocarbons, I think. They used to be used in fridges and spray cans before they were banned in the 80's – virtually globally because they were screwing up the ozone layer.”
We arrived at the hanger where the fuel was stored. Another small group of Blackdog troopers had one of the ground crew members in detention near the partially open sliding door. His badge was gone but I recognized the ground crew member as part of the fuel truck lead team.
“What does this have to do with anything?” I asked. As we all were led into the hanger where the fuel trucks were stored.
Don, out of no where saluted the fuel truck leader. To my astonishment, the fuel truck leader saluted back. They shared a “semper fi – once a marine – always a marine!” and then Don beckoned him, “show them, it's okay, show them what you know, show them what you do.”
The fuel trucker turn a spigot on the back of the fuel truck nearest to him and splashed some jet fuel from the truck on the hanger floor and then shone a UV flashlight on it and the truck without any change. He muttered out, “Ordinary jet fuel.” Then, turning to the truck adjacent to him, he shone the same uv light and there was a square code marking that appeared on the back of the truck. He turned the spigot on that truck, splashed out a bit of the fuel and then shone the light on it. The fuel reflected back a dazzling brilliant display of glow as it flowed across the concrete. “Not so ordinary jet fuel.”
“Now you see gentlemen, for the past fifty years or so, we've known that CFCs were impacting the ozone layer and created a hole, you were told, like everyone else, that the hole was healing and mostly fixed after we banned CFC's and other substances. Well, in truth, that's only partially correct, its healing or mostly fixed because we fixed it, or more accurately, because the great people who work in the sky and ground, by sheer volume of air travel across the world, had been burning this modified fuel, depositing its unique chemical composition into the atmosphere at altitude to keep that ozone hole closed or at least as protective as possible. Without it, well, look at your boss, look at the fields of crops failing across the country, look at the hospitals around the country filling up with ionizing radiation burn and cancer victims. Without you, there's holes in the ozone breaking open all over the North American continent.”
“We really have been spraying chemtrails this whole time.” Reggie murmured.
“Now, let me explain to you how this is going to work – as we speak, other Blackdogs, funded by the Federal government, are infiltrating every airport in the country and showing the rest of your leadership the same thing you just saw. We're also showing this to Industry. We're getting you the Mediator's deal. You'll have your old jobs back, and while a handful of you will go to jail for the rioting, none of you will be convicted of felonies or serve time. That's the deal. All you have to say is yes and tell everyone to go back to work now and then, with you all back in the air and back on the ground, the Blight will end.
In the end we went back to work, we took the deal. If you can call it a deal. It wasn't a deal but essentially a reboot with a cost of living increase. The other option was that some of us would be imprisoned, fined, be out of a job and oh yes, Leo, Reggie, and I shot on spot.
We were sworn to secrecy over the truth about the ozone layer and chemtrails but I'm breaking it. I'm breaking it because you deserve the truth. I know that this will end up in the internet gutter realm of aliens and bigfoot but I don't care. I'm big guy, a big name, and if anything happens to me, like an “accident”, I'm pretty sure that would only lend credence to what I've told you here.
Happy landings.
Theo Plesha

A lone songbird comes to rest atop a crumbling, ruined wall of granite and blood-mossed shale, where dawn's fresh dew enchants the rising sun. This mile-long stack of stone most ancient, most holy, shall soon sing with every honour 'pon this annual feast of fury. Listen well, now, o'er from low-slung hill to meagre field beyond most unassuming, as the distant thunder of weathered war-drums escorts its peasant legions proud. To the chime of pike and mace, of mail and plate, two armies now ascend, awash with eager incantations whose well-spring spoils most nobly. For to Kærwynn they have come, to the Wall of Empires fallen. For sport and skirmish, to honour and afoul, to fill the summer sky with burnished standards bold and shimmering. To sing again that fiery, transcendent song of flailing fist and elbow, where spill and shear their blood and flesh 'pon this most merry, handsome day! Come, friends, come enthralled! For the time of our Field & Feast has come! For glory, then, to Kærwynn, called! Onwards, Onwards, Onwards, All!
​

What is Kærwynn?

The site of an ancient, barely remembered siege, where once stood a Hill-Top Fort. All that remains now is a vague stone wall, cutting through the centre of a wide, grassy plateau. Every year, two towns send forth a peasant rabble to partake in a sporting tournament of indiscriminate chaos, violence and brutality. The rules - though often wildly flouted and prone to spur many a disagreement - are fairly simple. The two opposing Village "armies" attempt to hold, and carry, a nettle-stuffed goat-bladder - coated in grease and set alight - back and forth across the remains of Kaerwynn's crumbling wall. Weapons are strictly prohibited, as is the use of magic. Should the ball be at any point transported across this bygone bloodstone stack, a point is scored, signalled to the crowds by a screaming arrow loosed above Kærwynn. None in living memory have heard this sound. The contest begins just as the sun is most high, and the first star seen near sunlight's fall brings the game to its end. The feasting, music, and merrymaking continues for many days thereafter.
​

Sights, Sounds, & Smells

Use this section as a quick reference during play, or at the start of a Session to refresh your GM senses! Sights
- Huge roaming crowds of bawdy, bruised, drunken, brash, jolly folk of all manner & persuasion. - Horses and oxen, Barrows and carts, bundled and stacked with produce and wares for sale. - Fires, encampments, tents & bivouacs. - A great and misty field upon a downland plateau.
Sounds - Cheers, whoops, hollers, yawls, screams, & songs. - The thundering of many hundreds of pairs of booted feet upon turf and crumbling wall. - The jig of fiddles, lyres, banjos, dulcimers, & drums. - Peddler yells & calls as the many merchants and stall-holders hawk their produce.
Smells - Bonfires. - Mead, Ale, Wine & all manner of distilled spirits. - Sweat, urine, vomit, faeces, dung, blood. - Roasting meats, stews, soups, pies, etc, etc.

Local Economy

The grand contest's festivities are rich with attendant trade, and the sheer enormity of the gathering offers a banquet of financial opportunity. A sizeable portion of coin is passed back and forth among the many gamblers and their ilk. Fortunes are said to have been made at Kærwynn, betting on everything to knock-outs to teeth declared. Merchants grand and small use the Feast as a time not only to sell, but to make alliances, forge partnerships, sign contracts, and host grand spectacles to show off their wealth. All is abuzz with capital - from the meagrest, dirt stained copper purchasing sweet hot-loaves, to the coin-purses stuffed with precious jewels thrown to the swivel-headed bookmakers.

Imports

Aside from the large number of onlookers, participants and their parties, the Feast of Kaerwynn brings all manner of trades-folk and wily entrepreneurs. Cooks, ale-makers, luck-charmers, souvenir-hawkers, armourers, blacksmiths, clerics, herbalists, and more, arrive with barrows teetering and tents stuffed to bursting with varied wares and services. For many come to gawp and cheer, to behold the chaos and rejoice in the keeping (and settling) of many a-score. Among the crowds, too, are those who attend to cherry-pick the best fighters, those of brawn and brain, to offer to them expedition and adventure of a far more dangerous kind.

Exports

Legends! Tales! Stories for the fireplace and the ale-house! Far and wide do such things go, to the horror of some, and the pride of many more! Champions, too, go forth into the world, and it is enough to bend the ear of many a tavern-goer should a Kærwynnian sup of an ale 'pon a nearby stool.

Lodgings & Shelter

The fields about Kaerwynn become something of a makeshift village during the Feast, and lodging may be found beneath any number of comfortable canvases here and there, if one is willing to part with a sizeable weight of coin. The Traveller would be wiser to bring a tent or bed-roll of their own, and to arrive early to secure a good pitch. In truth, not a great deal of sleep is to be had, as the festivities roll far either side of the Feast Day, with naught much to discern day from night beside moon and sun.

Hierarchy & Political Structure

At dusk upon the eve of each Feast, each "army" elects a Kærwynn "King" or "Queen"; tradition dictates this be a child, crowned with what remains of the charred, nettle-stuffed goat's bladder of the previous year's contest. Throughout the day, they are seated on a high platform so that they might view the entire field of play, and enjoy tribute and honours from all around. Most years, this King or Queen is the orphaned child of a parent lost the previous year; for though Kaerwynn be a sporting feast, it feeds 'pon broken bones and blood and bile and - often - lives. Second to this "royal" figurehead are the many Captains; veterans, all, of the Feast of Kaerwynn, and fierce in the discharge of their duties. Some are drunkards delighting in the occasion, some barbarians who come for glory, some shrewd tacticians keen to turn the screw upon their opponents, or to weaken them far beyond the fields of this noble Hill. A clutch of Elders adjudicate general infractions, dispensing any rulings as necessary. These are wizened old-hands of the Feast, though frequently taken more by plum-wine, gambling and cavorting than by their duties to the Field of Play. The Elders are also charged with official scoring, although none have managed a point in recent memory. Despite random (and frequent) acts of petty crime, there is no law in attendance; no constable, nor guard, nor sheriff wanders Kærwynn.

Culture

Kærwynn's origins being lost to time, it is known now only for its festivities. Many see opportunities to settle debts or quash grudges, others a chance to gain notoriety and renown, or to profit handsomely in coin. Despite arriving with all manner of edged and mêlée weapons, participants are forbidden from using such tools of war during the Feast. It is to be remembered that the use of weapons and magic is strictly prohibited upon the Field. Various articles are smuggled into play, however; knuckle-dusters and various steel and iron toe accoutrements being highly favoured, along with hempen hand-wraps dipped in honey, broken glass, and thistle-thorns. Bucklers (smuggled onto the Field as belt and boot buckles) are also popular choice, their use being two-fold; defensive and offensive. Many a bard's tale mentions the spirit of ingenuity alive at Kærwynn! One such tale is of a farmer being removed from the field for employing a stout and heavy cast iron frying pan pilfered from a canteen. Another story tells of a villager clothing a wild black-bear in the garb of a human, and setting it loose upon the field. Rare are they who enter play seeking to murder, and an unruly equilibrium tempers the chaos, ensuring the brutality teeters at the edge of death's grip. That mighty end being everywhere, however, it makes no exceptions for Kærwynn; injuries abound, much blood is spilled, and it is not unusual for a handful of people to lose their lives variously to unforeseen accidents and innocent incidents each year somewhere upon the Field. Indeed, this is where many even dream of meeting their end.
​

Residents of Note:

ancestries have not been allocated, allowing the GM to assign as appropriate.
​

Kesh Fallewarr - Village Captain

Long, silver hair pinned tidily up; Dressed in stained, rough grey flannel, with a large, billowing black neck-scarf tied about the collar of a coarse blouse. Their hands are greasy and darkly stained from polishing armour. They smoke a curved yellow clay-pipe, and speak calmly, flatly, employing the most foul language as though it were seasoning the air.
​

Toradim Hallowmeer - Village Captain

A shaved head that shows many scars, and a single eye-glass through which they squint up at the sky, as though forever expecting rain. They speak several languages fluently, and are keen to engage any in their native tongue. From time to time they might be spied smearing mud from the ground across their leather armour, and muttering to themselves; whether prayers or curses, who could say?
​

Puk Snursbok - Elder

Dressed in black buttoned, woollen shirt rolled to the elbows, brown woollen trousers, and oversized boots without laces. Their black hair, smartly slicked with short back and sides, glistens above their bright blue skin. Always rolling three small black pebbles about in their hand which, from time to time, are shaken and slammed down upon the nearest surface. Delighted or disappointed at the result, their purpose remains unclear. They seem to know much about a great many people, and they enjoy the whispering and hoarding of secrets.
​

Shesd Arweka - Elder

Dressed in old leathers and worn chain-mail, they sit upon a goat-skin stool, chewing on a long-stemmed root, and squinting out at all before them. They're known for liberally yelling foul curses and proclamations at attendants, and for throwing generous gifts of unusual coin to those who fight well or tell a good joke as they pass. Over the years, they have come to believe that folk generally keep their distance out of some great respect, but - in truth - t’is their utterly foul body odours, along with the increasingly wild rumours of their involvement in the brutal slaying of a party of several Feast-goers during the previous year’s contest.
​

Skrouch Affaladeer

An affable, and popular, wandering seller of baked potatoes. Skrouch moves with a heavy limp, and is almost impossibly broad, and tall. Their wheezy, guttural laugh is heard long before they're seen, their fire-blackened hands endlessly greeting and bidding fondness and farewells to their many customers. They are accompanied, as they go, by a small horde of children, each adept in juggling and tomfoolery.
​

Pishon Poewalder

A scruffy, rake-thin pick-pocket and ne'er-do-well on the look out for whatever slim opportunities fall before them. They seem never to sleep, eat, nor drink, and are alert to a great many things. They are accompanied by a blind squirrel, and the pair whisper back and forth all manner of sour curses and spit-speckled oaths.
​
​

Some Adventure Hook Ideas

This list is by no means exhaustive, and is intended simply to stir the pot of your own imagination. Use what follows as starting-points, or ignore them entirely in favour of your own Adventure Hooks! 1 - a detestable Mage has poisoned the waters of the nearby streams with a curse that will place all under their control; in essence : instant army, just add water. 2 - the spirits of the Dead of the ancient battle of Kærwynn, having had their fill of this yearly cacophony, and finding their memory thoroughly bespoiled, rise up to smite these ungodly invaders! 3 - One of the Residents of Note has been murdered, seemingly for several hours before being discovered. Their large hoard of coin is untouched. 4 - a Noble family’s heiheiress has snuck to Kærwynn, seeking adventure and glory! The Party have been hired to find, and return them home. 5 - one of the Party has familial ties to one of the Peasant Armies, and are called upon to fulfil their duties via participation. 6 - the Party have been hired to protect a vast prize of Coin being offered - for the very first time - to the victors of this year's Feast! Every corner of the field is abuzz with rumours of it, and the threat of thievery pervades.
​

Random Kærwynn Encounters

Roll 1d8 for a Kærwynnian Encounter! 1 - An explosion rings out, blasting a crater into the field of play, sending participants flying in all directions. 2 - A herd of rampaging creatures enters the field. 3 - All around, Villagers are doubled over, vomiting a vile and acrid liquid. 4 - A “potion” seller sets up shop selling flavoured waters, convincing people it’ll enhance their physical prowess during the Contest. 5 - A farmer hands out heavy, fist-sized bags of seed, encouraging folk to use them as weapons. Unbeknownst to all, the seeds are under an enchantment, and will sprout as soon as they hit the dirt. 6 - Several Villagers with sleeply-poison tipped blades secreted in the tip of their boot are causing a sharp and chaotic havoc in sections of the onlooking crowd. 7 - A mysterious shower consisting of marbles and ball bearings rains down from above; none seem sure of their origin or cause. 8 - A Dragon makes itself known upon the Field, demanding an end to this noisily unruly Festival once and for all.
​

Kærwynnian Foods Roll-Table

Roll 1d10 for a tasty Kærwynn Snack 1 - Kings/Queens Fingers - a spiced parsnip on a stick, surrounded by a cake like substance, and dipped into a strawberry jam. Created in homage to the Kærwynn King & Queen, and one of the Feast’s oldest known attendant traditions. 2 - Liver & Radishes - a coarse, pale stew seasoned with peppery shredded radish, served with stale bread and apple sauce. 3 - Stuffed Pine Mushrooms - large, easy to find mushrooms that have been stuffed with hard cheese that has been melted to be softer, along with some small roasted pine nuts. 4 - Grey Light Garnish - a salad-like meal consisting of a local grey moss that glows dimly with an ingredient rumoured to enhance one’s strength; widely believed but never proved. 5 - Chug-Knuckles - small hazel-type nuts; boiled, smashed, spiced, and served in small deep-fried balls. Wonderful projectiles once cooled and hardened, but also excellent with rice and chilli jam. 6 - Posst - a wooden skewer onto which various vegetables chunks have been strung, before the entire thing is dripped in pigeon fat and roasted over an open fire. (Albyon’s note : the name of this simple culinary pleasure derives from the noise the dripping bird fat makes upon the flames of an open campfire) 7 - Pickled Toad Spawn - something of an acquired taste, and mostly enjoyed by the inebriated, this unusual delicacy clears the sinuses and invigorates the lungs. 8 - Squab Pie - small, yet hearty, pies seen as something of a delicacy. The outside edge of the pastry is decorated with the marks of rooks' feet. 9 - Collops - slices of steamed meat served with boiled eggs, all wrapped up in a sweet, caraway seeded flatbread. 10 - Crab-Apple Toffees - a sweet and simple pleasure enjoyed by all ages that forever pins their memory to Kærwynn.
​

Trinket Roll-Table

Roll 1d20 for a Kærwynn Trinket! 1 - A child's rib wrapped in red-woollen thread. 2 - A rusted prick spur decorated with the letters R.H. 3 - A crimson velvet covered brigandine, partially set ablaze and abandoned. 4 - A short-sword’s pommel decorated with a family coat of arms in faded enamel. 5 - a pouch of teeth, and teeth fragments, collected by children post battle, often sold to spell slingers. 6 - Woollen finger puppets of various heroic competitors of the past. 7 - Fox-fur mittens, stuffed and padded at the knuckles. 8 - A wooden club studded with beaver teeth. 9 - A pocket-sized handbook detailing impact and injury points. 10 - A sackful of stones, each one painted to look like a chunk of bread. 11 - Arrow heads dipped in tar-like poisons. 12 - A silken neckerchief that seems to weigh nothing at all, yet is heavy with the scent of honeysuckle. 13 - A small sacking-cloth pouch full of Wheatear beaks. 14 - A live Hare, tied up in a sack filled with the mist of some unknown spell(s). 15 - A large Haddock, and as though freshly plucked from the sea only moments ago. 16 - A small sack of potatoes that seem to explode into variously coloured powders when thrown. 17 - A pair of dark metal eye-goggles, the lenses of which appear to reveal metal objects upon any person. 18 - A large wheel of cheese that rolls along behind its owner. 19 - A wooden bucket full of a thick, flammable paste. 20 - A pale silver arrow sporting a rather finely carved whistling-tip.
​

Albyon’s Final Notes for the GM ~

pull apart this location so fantastically strange, toss aside all that irks to better rearrange the unspooling of inspirations, the pearls of this trade, to stitch anew an Adventure, a Quest freshly made, t’wards a tale of your party's own Kærwynn!
​
For the best experience deploying our strange & fantastical locations in your game, we highly recommend utilising our free wondrous website, with its easy-to-use drop down menus, and simple navigational aids to steer you towards spectacular adventures!
You may also enjoy these previous Reddit posts from Albyon Absey's Geographical Almanac A-Z :
Aeodreyal (an inter-planar astral pirate cove)
Baron Arcadia's Circus Fortuna (a dizzying carnival of delights)
Caevieyeriva (a trading post hidden within an iceberg obscuring a giant octopus)
Drunstowr (a blackwater swamp home to a death cult and forgotten gods)
Elithyr (a fey-cursed doll's house in the window of a fire-ravaged toy shop)
Folly of Sorrows (a crumbling tower of lovelorn curses and vengeful cults)
Hirathaya (two villages, unknown to one another, separated by a ravine full of mycelial mists)
Imbruustafal (a shattered sky-scrapingtower of monsters and mayhem)
Jaittura (a trading post inside the hollowed eye-socket of a wandering titan)
Littlewind (a coastal village of blue sand, bioluminescent mosses and unusual customs)
Meadowmont (a snowy-mountainous vale hiding strange orchards, meadows, and a vast arcane bestiary)
Nesteropetes (a flying log piloted by talking squirrels)
Odonata (a giant dragonfly housing 4 clans and their strange trading post)
Rusthollow(an ancient, future battlefield littered with arcane technologies and strange magic)
Sternwater (a were-rat infested village of muck and mire)
Tuulinen (a wind battered plain of death and spirits sat above an abandoned salt-mine)
Uurastalt (a demonic wasteland of obsidian fire)
Vosgadh (a desert trading post locked within a deadly sandstorm)

June 9 Update v2: Corrected with *. Tiny Moving Parts cancelled. 12-14 June reddit boycott. Bonus 24-jun-only listing hosted off-reddit soon.

9-Jun Fri

• Shallow Levée 淺堤 (TW indie pop-rock band), lion studios 115b commonwealth drive, $89
• Esplanade: The Nature of Strings - pipa & harp by gildon choo & charmaine teo - day 1, free
• Esplanade Contemporary Dance: Dance at Dusk - The Human Expression (T.H.E) Dance Company - Day 1, outdoor, free
• SSO: Singapore Symphony Orchestra's Magic Hour at Raffles Hotel, raffles hotel lawn, free
• Jazz Loft; UNDERGROUND feat. Tim O'Dwyer & Vuk Krakovic (Gypsy-Klezmer-Balkan-Celtic-Jazz), blu jaz L3 at bali ln, $22
• Maduro: BLUES + SOUL = JAZZ ft. Rick Smith, Richard Jackson & Joshua Wan, jazz bar harding rd (dempsey) $65 drink credits
• Cool Cats: Havana Nights with Dairon - Day 2, jw mariott beach rd, jazz-ish bar $30
• Piano Fest: Tengku Irfan - Recital, victoria concert hall, $20
• Piano Fest: Jonathan Biss - Masterclass, $20
• Piano Talk: Pierre-Laurent Aimard, Victoria Concert Hall, $10
• Klassique Musik: CORINNA Somewhere In Time Meets Winter Sonata, esplanade, $50
• Dance: NUNO by Decandance - day 1, esplanade, $25-$33
• Sopranos Bistro - Jazz & Clar (70s to 90s music live), 18 carpenter st clarke quay
• Las Americas - Barranquilla Night, 43 Tras Street
• Gastrobeats: Tabula (rock), marina bay open space, free
• Drag Event: Baby Queen Movie Screening - SG first drag movie & drag aftershow, projector golden mile, $39

 

• * DJ, MODAL 1st Anniversary - Tommy Four Seven (techno) & aya, ems, jehm, haw par villa, $45 door available see IG stories
• DJ, CULTURE & Fuego Night 🔥 - Flyness X MOOD (hiphop rnb pop), luxe club marina square, $36
• DJ, JST BCZ - the Drum n Bass Den with Natty Lou, JAC, Suffix Sans, Davros SWTLKR, project x picturehouse (the cathay dhoby), $22
• DJ, Strange Weather - Kelab Malam ft. Dekadenz (JKT) w/ Aditya Permana, Ridwan, Jonathan Kusuma, club iki at ikigai riverwalk (clarke quay), $27
• DJ, COLDPLAY TRIBUTE Flashback Friday by UnfilteredPresents, hard rock cafe orchard, $28
• DJ, 87 Club Street Bar - DJ Matty
• DJ, Throwback Night @ Edition Rooftop Bar - dj andrew chow, 182 clemenceau ave (dhoby), free reg
• DJ, The Gentle's Bar & Records Soft Opening - DJ Aloy (80s), 47a neil road
• DJ, Club Hell, Reincarnation in Hell ft mistress kiramoon, 113 telok ayer (mrt), gay club $35 soldout
• * DJ, Neil Conversion: Beyonce Night, 43 Neil Road, gay bar-club
• DJ, Offtrack: HOLDTight (FRA), beside hong lim park, music gastro bar
• DJ, Potato Head: Seng Wei (disco funk nite), 36 Keong Saik Rd, bar bistro
• DJ, Cherry: Haili, Mindaniel (vn), ayekay, som j, 133 cecil st, ~$30
• DJ, Club Rich: From Taiwan Night - DJ Ashley Baby x MC KTwo, 114 middle road (bugis)
• DJ, MILK: NO Regrets Hardstyle - ft. 3than, rick savage, 530 North Bridge Rd Bugis Point L3, $30
• DJ, Black Horse: 525 Friday ft Joeru with Highness, Gerlexis (hardstyle, oriental edm, open), ming arcade orchard L7, asian style club
• DJ, Drip: GAWLI Sessions ft Y3llo, Jerry Jay, Fakecake, Past 12, Wuu Kee (hiphop, baile funk, pop), 100 Orchard Rd Concorde Hotel, $32
• DJ, Yang Club: The Scene ft Sherpa, reiko, miggy t, mr boo, clarke quay
• DJ, Prism: POSH - Pop Night ft. DJ Limmy, Tajima, Cherish (10s edm), prism club marina square, $27
• DJ, CE LA VI: ANGELOS (GRE, afro house, deep), marina bay sands hotel tower 3, $38
• DJ, Zouk: MAMBO JAMBO Night with ALDRIN & Hong(synthpop, disco, 80s boogie), zouk clarke quay, ~$45
• DJ, Marquee: SHOWTEK (hardstyle, electrohouse), marina bay sands, ~$55

 

10-Jun Sat

• SLAM 30th Anniversary Concert, star theatre buona vista, $137
• 魏妙如 Ruth Kueo - Safe Haven: Homecoming concert, lion studios 115B Commonwealth Drive, $74
• Zheng Yi (郑怡) & Zhou Zhi Ping (周治平) - Everlasting Love Ballads 那一年， 那首歌 2, esplanade, $88
• Liyana Fizi (MY singer-songwriter folk bossa) ft Subsonic Eye's Wahidah, projector golden mile tower, $38
• Mathcore to Pop-punk Gig: Brainwashed Vol 3 - Circle Line Kid, Heaven Brought Me Hell, Glassmouth, Aggressive Raisin Cat, Flush, phil's studio parklane shopping ctr L5, $20 doors left
• A Capella: NUS Resonance: Vocal Obsession X: the night we met - Day 1, NUS UCC, preview $20
• Esplanade: Pipa & harp by gildon choo & charmaine teo - last, free
• Esplanade Dance: Dance at Dusk by T.H.E - Day 2, outdoor, free
• Jazz Loft: IRESON Latin Jazz Quartet, blu jaz L3 at bali ln, $22
• Simply Jazz: Mario Serio, Louis Soliano Night, B1 Chijmes, jazz bar
• Frenchie Wine Bar: Jazz Music with Rick Smith & Richard Jackson, 81 tras st (tanjong pagar)
• Maduro: KENCHANA JAZZ with Rachma Quartet ft. Soukma, jazz bar harding rd (dempsey), $65 drink credits
• Cool Cats: Havana Nights with Dairon - Last, jw mariott beach rd, jazz-ish bar $30
• SCO: For Our Dreams: Wang Chenwei’s Composition Showcase (cond. Tsung Yeh), SCO concert hall, $40
• Chinese Orchestra: SCO - For Our Dreams: Wang Chenwei's Composition Showcase 逐梦: 王辰威作品专场音乐会, 7 shenton way, left $40
• Chinese Orchestra: Ding Yi Music Company - 绣艺•留香 Intimate Intricacies (cond. Quek Ling Kiong), SCCC 1 Straits Boulevard, $28
• Piano Fest: Jonathan Biss Recital, victoria concert hall, $20
• Piano Fest: Masterclass by Tengku Irfan, victoria concert hall, $20
• Ballet x Orchestra: Symphony of Dance - SNYO x Singapore Ballet, esplanade, $20
• Ballet: Cheng Youth Ballet Academy - Révérence 2023 - Day 1, NUS UCC, $50
• Talk: Our Voices: Dialogue on Intercultural Music (classical), National Library, free
• Blackbird: Johnny Come Lately (eagles tribute night + surath&rene), gillman barracks music bar
• Hero's Bar: Embers (rock, funk), 69 circular rd boat quay
• Timbre One-North: Strait Up Blues Open Jam, jtc launchpad one-north, $20 per jammer with drink
• Gastrobeats: A-List & Onelove, marina bay open space, free
• Drag: RIOT!, hard rock cafe orchard, $15
• Roller Skate: HiRoller Skate Rink's Disco Night!, Pasir Ris E!Hub

 

• DJ, CAWFEE MIX!! 4th Anniversary - J-Core, Anime-song x Bass Music ft 3R2 (TW), rainry, rinairi/VITICZ/yungbentai/Vanille Altzy/10SAI/WINDY, Wild Pearl Studio Micro-club 195 Pearl's Hill Terrace (chinatown), $28
• DJ, Goth Event: The Batcave Project: Batastrophe ft. Kabuki Kaiser, Katronyk, Grave, Jono (darkwave post-punk, industrial, ebm), Hexenskye Studios at York Hill (near furama riverfront), $25
• DJ, TRANCE4M International ft Paul Denton (IRE), rob z, club iki @ ikigai riverwalk clarke quay, $45
• * DJ, FUEGO NIGHT BEACH FIESTA DJs Kfaith & Skilla (Reggaeton, Afrobeats, Hip Hop, pop), sand bar 53 siloso beach walk Sentosa, $30
• DJ & Live Music: Transcend Ego Dissolving Dance Party by Mantravine ft yetpet, tom shellsuit et al., kult kafe the grandstand 200 turf club road (sixth avenue), $20
• DJ Queer Brunch: SUNNY SIDE UP: thugshop x fomohomo pink pride edition - Your queer boozy brunch party , 66 boat quay, $55
• DJ, Pool Party: AQUA AFFAIR (kollywood x bollywood ft DJ Prasen, Melwin, Helsing), one farrer hotel, $30
• DJ, Element Hip-hop Edition 2 - ft. DJ Marie, Badgaldidi, suffix_sams, mr gray, misfits bar 18 ciruclar rd (boat quay), $21
• DJ, Afterlife - Pop Queens Crush (y2k era) ft. 3than, Ling, scruple & dahlia rose), prism club marina square, $35
• DJ, Melodic Beats house/techno rooftop party - ft VIOLESC, Kid Barna & PMIGALIC, Club Di Lusso 2 Hastings Rd (rocholittle india), $20
• DJ, Mukke: berlin meets ibiza in singapore - ft. toasty, ultra vibrance (AU), frau meyer, Koppa (DE) - tech house/baeleric?, projector x picturehouse (the cathay dhoby), $22
• DJ, Parliament Bar's Disco Dream nite, 18 teck lim road (outram)
• DJ, The Gentle's Bar & Records Soft Opening - DJ Itch (Asian Boogie, funk, city pop), 47a neil road
• DJ, JinJu Korean Bar's DJ Night Inaugural - DJ Ilhammi Tan (edm), clarke quay
• DJ, LAST SATURDAYS - the late saturday mystery show ft HBN, Jiang, Haili, dm this IG, $10
• DJ, GrooveTop Garage (UKG, UK Funky, hiphop) ft. Head of Vibes, Kenneth Francis & Joshua P, Neon Pigeon 36 Carpenter St clarke quay, $30
• DJ, Manifest - Dirty Techno Series ft DOBé (DE), MINDANIEL (VN), NINO BLINK + JAMIE REACT (UK), yang club clarke quay, $30
• DJ, Kpop Arcade #14 - SVT (SEVENTEEN) NIGHT ft. kafekcj , Majesty Chen Oxley Tower L20, 138 robinson rd, left $50 doors
• DJ, Vertigo 26: Unker 4 - 80s SynthPop / Hair Rock nite, at MINT Museum City Hall, listening bar
• DJ, Moonstone: Ya5th (hiphop rnb), 103 amoy st
• DJ, Potato Head: Shaun Nocturnals + Mutiah Ashnim, 36 Keong Saik Rd, bar bistro
• DJ, Drip: After The Noon (PH) - also top 40s, edm, hard, hiphop rnb, 100 Orchard Rd Concorde Hotel, $32
• DJ, Club Hell, F*!@ Me in Hell, 113 telok ayer (mrt), gay club $35 soldout
• DJ, HQ: Halal Sol, The Weatherman, TMDDJ (house, techno), hq club 66A boat quay, $30
• DJ, CE LA VI: Glam Bash, marina bay sands hotel
• DJ, Black Horse: Miggy T, Highness, Gerlexis (hardstyle, oriental edm, open), ming arcade orchard L7, asian style club
• DJ, MILK: Viva La Vida (reggaeton, latin hits, guaracha) ft. relibre, snickaz, dj naddz, 530 North Bridge Rd Bugis Point L3, $30
• DJ, Capital Zouk: Poparazzi - Caden & Ghetto feat. MC T-Fresh (pop), capital zouk clarke quay (22+ yo), ~$50
• DJ, Tuff: CHRISTIAN SMITH (tech house), tuff club 138 robinson rd cbd, $35
• DJ, Luxe: Inquisitive & Farah Farz, luxe club marina square, $50
• DJ, Zouk: MAKJ (big room edm), zouk clarke quay, ~$45 with 2 drinks

 

11-Jun Sun

• William Youn Piano Recital - Echoes of Silence (schubert, ravel), SCO 7 shenton way sco conference hall, $25
• SPECTACLE! - Estelle Fly, Alfred Sun, BINI, BGYO, XOXO, YES MY LOVE - AOR Global showcase Best of S-Pop & P-Pop, esplanade, $35
• Christy Smith - Tribute to FESTAC'77 & Fela Kuti (jazzy afrobeat) - Mosiac Music Series, esplanade, $38
• Tong Yao 桐瑶 - Best of Teresa Teng 邓丽君 Tribute Concert, esplanade, $48
• Esplanade: Flamenco Meets Jazz Music - amanda lee x dancer Tania Goh, free
• Esplanade: Beautiful Sundays: Sparkswind Ensemble Relaxed Concert, free reg limited
• Esplanade Contemporary Dance: T.H.E Dance Company - Last, outdoor, free
• Piano Fest: Pierre-Laurent Aimard Recital, victoria concert hall, $20
• A Capella: NUS Resonance: Vocal Obsession X: the night we met - Day 1, NUS UCC, preview $20
• Blu Jaz: New Stream Brass Band (new orleans style), blu jaz at bali ln, $22 soldout
• Talk: SCCC's TV Festival 生命传承 - 华彩电视节 ft Bryan Wong, Chen Liping, Marcus Chin, Low Wee Liang, Cheong Yan Peng, Gao Mei Gui, Ayden Sng, 1 Straits Boulevard, free reg
• Standup Comedy: Aravind SA's We Need to Talk, Alliance Française Theatre (newton), $65
• Ballet: Cheng Youth Ballet Academy - Révérence 2023 - Last, NUS UCC, $50
• Dance: Authentic Flamenco - Paula Rodríguez (last), Kewalram Chanrai Arts Centre (Robertson Quay), $65
• Blackbird: Cat Mountain Kings - blues and rock, also jack and rai, raw earth , gillman barracks music bar
• DJ, Foxtail at The Back Room - ft DJ Mari, Haili, Tasha, 36 club street, cocktail bar free reg

 

12-Jun Mon

• Cui Xia 萃霞 aka Felinda Wong - 40 Years of Golden Hits, esplanade, ~$15
• Esplanade: After Tea Date with Ywenna Quinn (shanghai vocal jazz), free
• Esplanade Live Visual Art x Classical: Birds of Fantasy - Artist Jacky Mak x David Loke, Charmaine Teo, Dingchao Huang - Day 1, free
• Scary Psychedelic Night at The Fluxus House - Sakiko Performance Art x Cruise Chen, 23 teo hong road (outram/keong saik), also an exhibition till june 30, free

 

13-Jun Tue

• Esplanade Live Visual Art x Classical: Birds of Fantasy - Artist Jacky Mak x David Loke, Charmaine Teo, Dingchao Huang - Last, free
• SIMPLY JAZZ: Ireson (Latin Jazz sextet), chijmes b1 Jazz Bar
• The Purple Symphony Annual Concert 2023 Day 1, 7 shenton way sco conference hall, $20
• Improv Storytelling: What's Your Story SLAM: Summer, projector golden mile tower, $40

 

14-Jun Wed

• Lee Seung Gi, resorts world sentosa, $168
• Nobuyuki Tsujii Returns to Singapore (pianist), Esplanade, $48
• Chinese Theatre: Cao Yu's Sunrise by Jin Xing Theatre Shanghai & Mars Drama - Day 1, esplanade, $88
• Esplanade Theatre/Visual/Ambient: Transit 步: The Performance, free
• Cool Cats Jazz: The Blues: with Skunk Jive, jw mariott beach rd (esplanade), jazz-ish bar $30
• Candlelight: Best of Hans Zimmer by vocalise string quartet, the arts house (city hall), left $52
• Blackbird: Rockweller (hard rock), gillman barracks live music bar
• Standup comedy: Jinx Yeo at Mo's Grill & Bar West Coast, opposite haw par villa MRT, $22
• Punk History TouDialogue: POST PUNK with Shaiful Risan, 345 geyland rd Pavilion Square, $15-$25 with drink
• DJ, Prism: Ladies First with tarot Cards and Kandi Beads, prism pan pacific, femme free with timing - men $30
• DJ, Offtrack: Nightcap with DJ ITCH (asian boogie, funk, citypop), beside hong lim park, music gastro bar
• DJ, Potato Head: DJ Yenn (hiphop rnb nite), 36 Keong Saik Rd, bar bistro

 

15-Jun Thu

• The Purple Symphony Annual Concert 2023- Last, 7 shenton way sco conference hall, $20
• Esplanade Rap x Chinese Classical x Text?: Axel Brizzy, Calista Liaw, Jeremy Wong, Wovensound, Khalif Rawi - The Art of War 2.0 - Day 1, free
• Chinese Theatre: Sunrise - Day 2, esplanade, $88
• Cool Cats Jazz: Alina Ramirez plays Latin Jazz, jw mariott beach rd (esplanade), jazz-ish bar $30
• Candlelight: Vivaldi's Four Seasons - by Vocalise string quartet, the arts house city hall, $35
• DJ, CLUB RICH: DJ Dash, Lionnexus & a mystery DJ - EURO RETURN 2, 114 middle road (bugis)
• DJ, Offtrack: Daryl Knows, beside hong lim park, music gastro bar

 

16-Jun Fri

• SUGA of BTS Agust D - Day 1, indoor stadium, $168 soldout
• 伍佰 WU BAI AND CHINA BLUE ROCK STAR 2023 巡迴演唱会 - Day 1, resorts world sentosa, $78
• Metal/Core/HC Gig: That Incredble Gig in JUNE ft. TARIOT, Aggressive Raisin Cat, Destiny, Overthrown, Tailgates, Shy Guys, centre 42 waterloo st (bras basah), $16
• Esplanade: Cheats (PH), outdoor, free
• Esplanade: Shirly Temple (indie-rock, 60s psych pop), outdoor, free
• Esplanade Rap x Chinese Chamber Classical x Text?: Axel Brizzy, Calista Liaw, Jeremy Wong, Wovensound, Khalif Rawi - The Art of War 2.0 - Last, free
• Chamber: More Than Music Trio - Notes of Passion (dvorak, strauss, sibelius, tartini) - day 1, esplanade, $20-$30
• Jazz Loft: Sean Hong Wei Quartet (tenor sax lead). blu jaz L3 at bali ln, $22
• Cool Cats: Nikki Muller, also on 18 Jun, jw mariott beach rd (esplanade), jazz-ish bar $40
• Mandopop Chinese Opera: Who Says It First 戏谁先说 by Nam Hwa Opera - Day 1, 1 straits boulevard, preview, $28
• Chinese Theatre: Sunrise by Jin Xing Theatre Shanghai - Last, esplanade, $88
• Candlelight: A Tribute to ABBA - VOX string quartet, the arts house city hall, $35
• Drag Event: Baby Queen Movie Screening - SG drag movie & drag aftershow, projector golden mile, $39
• Gegarfest: Gerhana Skacinta (ska/rocksteady/reggae), Ryzall Noh, Caliph Buskers, singapore expo, free
• Gastrobeats: Shirlyn + The UnXpected (rock), marina bay open space, free

 

• DJ, NORTH EAST SOCIAL CLUB x Thugshop: Soul Mass Transit System (UK garage, bassline) ft mza, lemak, helios, tuff club 138 robinson rd cbd, $37
• DJ, HOUSEWRK Presents: SWEDISH HOUSE MAFIA tribute, projector x picturehouse (the cathay), $22 (SHM10 code discount)
• DJ, CIEL X Therapy Room : Open Decks DJ ft. Jas, Daya, Vincent, Mari, BenBen, edition rooftop bar dhoby ghaut (82 clemenceau ave), $22
• DJ, Thugshop XXL Series feat. PIG&DAN (techno, progressive), MDLR 62 cecil street (telok ayer), $40
• DJ, Bailar - Agitar ft piratheeb, kelibre, dj snickaz, djsan, naddz (hiphop reggaeton latinhouse), hard rock cafe orchard, ~$20 not clear
• DJ, AfroDesi Night at Majesty Chen, Oxley Tower L20, 138 robinson rd, $25
• DJ, Phuture Zouk: TRANSFIX invites TRANCE4M by Last One Standing - DJ Tony Hang, Daniel Ang and Joshen, zouk clarke quay
• DJ, Blu Jaz: Back to the 90s with DJ Jag x Big, blu jaz at bali ln, $11
• DJ, Offtrack: Anwar, beside hong lim park, music gastro bar
• DJ, Potato Head: The Beat Usagi + Nino Blink (disco/funk), 36 Keong Saik Rd, bar bistro
• DJ, Yang Club: Kaylova, reiko & kidd royale ft mc hund, clarke quay
• DJ, HQ: GONNO (jp house, techno, ambient). headquarters club 66A boat quay, $37
• DJ, Marquee: Revolution - DJ Zippy's 'Future Rave' night, marina bay sands $20
• DJ, CE LA VI: FLOYD LAVINE (ZA afro house), kenneth f, marina bay sands hotel, $38

 

17-Jun Sat

• CLANG: 克朗! CHINESE Indie Music Fest - ft 麋先生 MIXER, 9m88, 旺福 WONFU, 守夜人 NIGHT KEEPERS, 海豚刑警 IRUKA PORISU, 甜约翰 Sweet John, 温室杂草 Easy Weeds, pasir panjang power stn, $120
• 伍佰 WU BAI AND CHINA BLUE ROCK STAR 2023 巡迴演唱会 - Last Day, resorts world sentosa, $78
• SUGA of BTS Agust D - Day 2, indoor stadium, $168 soldout
• Dewi Persik - Dangdut Mania ft Rina Nose and Nabila Maharani (INA), Rosalina Musa (SG), star theatre buona vista, $88
• Indie Rock Gig: TURN IT UP Vol II Rabak Records - 8forty5 EP Launch, KYYRA, Nosedive, feelslikeyou, freshpoutine, see link, $20 or doors
• Indie Rock Gig: Pink Cloud Summer - Bellied Star, MRTNS, FADER, Line Drive, Late Culture, see link, $25 soldout
• Esplanade: Door Plant (THA dream-pop/indie-surf band), outdoor, free
• Esplanade: Oh, Flamingo! (PH indie rock), outdoor, free
• Esplanade: ChambeElectronic: In The Living Room ft. Miao Kaiwen, Frances Lee, Chow Jun Yan, free
• Chamber: More Than Music Trio - Notes of Passion (dvorak, strauss, sibelius, tartini) - last, esplanade, $20-$30
• Carnatic Violin Ensemble: Indian Performing Arts Convention 2023: Strings of Gold ft Embar S. Kannan - with Apsaras Arts Dance Co., esplanade, $22 to $35
• SSO Organ: Tom Scott's The Composer and the Mouse + The Carnival of the Animals (family friendly), victoria concert hall, $20
• Jazz Loft: Amanda Lee Swingtet, blu jaz L3 at bali ln, $22
• Mandopop Chinese Opera: Who Says It First 戏谁先说 by Nam Hwa Opera (SCCC Cultural Extravanganza)Last, 1 straits boulevard, $28
• Standup Comedy: Fakkah Fuzz (M18), esplanade, $55
• Kids Ballet: Live Your Story by JE Dance Academy, NUS UCC, $28
• Beatbox Battle: Escension Beatbox Battle by 555 Beatbox, 42 waterloo st (bras basah), $15
• Our Tampines Hub: Let's Rock (retro hits from 60s-70s), tampines, free reg
• Anime Event: MUSIC PROJECT & IDOL Only Event by iFest SG - Day 1, peninsula excelsior hotel ballroom, tics $30
• Soundbath: Mantravine's Soundbath, altered states at kallang riverside park
• Drag/Ballroom: Pink Kiki Ball 2.0 by vogue in progress, with dj bobby pingpongpanda, c2ac, MDLR 62 cecil street (telok ayer), $37 soldout, door available
• Drag Event: Yours Queerly's Queerly Affair 2023, 102 pasir panjang rd, $25
• Prohibited Projects: Distro Day Out - punk/subculture hangout , the substation alley 45 armenian street
• Gegarfest: Khai Bahar, jay jay, nana karia, singapore expo, free

 

• DJ, DJ Jovynn for Cross Border by Party Lab x Diamondcosg, prism club marina square, $30
• DJ, Pool Party: Party Social's Pool Party - Caribbean Vibes ft DaBishop OnDMix, DJ Cheri, Afro Junior (dancehall, reggaeton, afrobeats hiphop), grand park city hall, ~$20
• DJ, Bussy Temple: Father's Womb (Queer NB Positive Rave) - Dance Divine (DE), Sayang (UK-MY), Halalbutch, Soyf§g, Howrøng, 72-13 Mohamed Sultan Road (robertson quay), $27
• DJ, Stickies x What You Know Dance Battle - Block Party (hiphoppy), Stickies 11 Keng Cheow St (clarke quay), $25 doodm
• DJ, 4xF Uncharted - ft. Vaibs, pure love, Daya, Cosmo Carbon, Labraatz, Kayh (housey), stratos rooftop bar at national design centre (bugis), $27
• DJ, CULTURE Presents Back 2 Two Thousands, luxe club marina square, $32
• DJ, Dance Kartel - Gloo, The Kongsee 10 Gemmill Ln, $20
• DJ, Manifest - Jungle Beats Afrohouse + Tribal Tech - ft Cyril Labaude, Stephen Day, Joshua P, Mandala Club 31 Bukit Pasoh, $30
• DJ, EATMEPOPTART: Electric Feel - If You Leave ft. weelikeme, fantastic dinosaur (80s s disco, pop, funk, new wave), projector x picturehouse (the cathay dhoby), $20
• DJ, Yang Club: Asian Nation ft Noizefaktor (my), sherpa, reiko, mc hund, clarke quay
• DJ, Majesty Chen: Even Up Booze & Schmooze Mixer, Oxley Tower L20, 138 robinson rd, $49
• DJ, KPO: PET SHOP BOYS Tribute Night - admirably with DJ Kenneth Siew, beside orchard central (somerset)
• DJ, Offtrack: Archie (ID), bongomann & daryl knows, beside hong lim park, music gastro bar
• DJ, Tuff: Thugshop x Art Beyond Presents - BERLIN SESSIONS with MATCHY (melodic techno & house), 138 robinson rd cbd, $37
• DJ, HQ: VOISKI (techno, leans ambient), headquarters club 66A boat quay, $37
• DJ, Capital Zouk: Total Recall with Caden & Rattle (90s - 00s), capital zouk clarke quay (22+), $75
• DJ, Zouk: Charged with Hong & Ghetto (bass night), zouk clarke quay, ~$45 with 2 drinks
• DJ, Marquee: Slushii (bass, dubstep/trap), marina bay sands,

 

18-Jun Sun

• SUGA of BTS Agust D - Last, indoor stadium, $168 soldout
• ITCHYWORMS (PH rock), timbre one-north, $50
• Jesslyn 陈佩贤 x YU JIA TSENG 曾昱嘉 - Heartfelt Concert 走心音乐会4, esplanade, $88
• Esplanade: monda(e) - instrumental rock/post, outdoor, free
• Esplanade: INTERMISSION - post-punk, outdoor, free
• Esplanade AI Theatre: AI x Improv Theatre, esplanade, free
• Carnatic Fusion Jazz/pop: Niranjan Pandian & NP Collective for IPAC - Samavaya - A Euphonic Co-existence, esplanade, $22-$35
• Classical Harp x Audio-Visual: The Four Seasons Reimagined By The Harp Quarterly x Avik Chari x Lynette Quek, national library drama center, $18-$28
• Candlelight: A Tribute to Joe Hisaishi - Candlelight Orchestra, victoria concert hall, left $84
• Live Reggae/Rocksteady/DJ: Sunday Live Reggae with Reggae Remedy ft Izaar, DJ Rumshot, Thirty Six Brewlab 36 Club Street (boat quay)
• Gegarfest: Insomniacks, Rahila, singapore expo

 

• Chinese Opera: One Opera Singapore 戏曲一家亲 - Cantonese, Hainan Qiong, Hubei Huangmei, Hokkkien, & Teochew Opera (SCCC Cultural Extravaganza), SCCC auditorium, $10 soldout
• Ballet: DuCon Singapore Gala ft Kimin Kim and May Nagahisa of Mariinsky Theatre, SOTA dhoby ghaut,$60
• Avant Dance: PheNoumenon by T.H.E Dance Company (last), esplanade, $28-$40
• Soundbath: Haw Par Chill-Lah: Hypno Sense & Sound Bathing, haw par villa, $60 (also on 17/sat)
• Anime Event: MUSIC PROJECT & IDOL Only Event by iFest SG - Last Day, peninsula excelsior hotel ballroom, tics $30
• DJ, KAMPONG BOOGIE x Potato Head: Straight outta Kampong (hip hoppy, mixed genres, rnb funky), 36 Keong Saik Rd, bar bistro tickets at door

 

19-Jun Mon

• Esplanade: Meet the East and West: Hindustani classical sitar and Western guitar - ft Guru Susanta Chowdhury & Isuru, free
• Avant Dance: Wild Flower by Jin Xing Dance Theatre Shanghai - Day 1, esplanade, $58
• Candlelight: A Tribute to Jay Chou - by Celeste Syn 冼佩瑾, chijmes city hall, $35

 

20-Jun Tue

• Esplanade: Meet the East and West: Hindustani classical sitar and Western guitar - ft Guru Susanta Chowdhury & Isuru, free
• Classical Art Song: The 11th Singapore Lieder Festival - Arnold Schoenberg's Pierrot Lunaire , esplanade, $15-$22
• Candlelight: A Tribute to Coldplay - pianist Sueli Tang, chijmes hall city hall, $48
• Avant Dance: Wild Flower by Jin Xing Dance Theatre Shanghai - Last, esplanade, $58

 

21-Jun Wed

• AI Theatre: AI x Improv Theatre, Esplanade, free
• Cool Cats Jazz: The Jazz Saxophone: with Sean Hong Wei, jw mariott beach rd (esplanade), jazz-ish bar $30
• Candlelight: Magical Movie Soundtracks - pianist Gabriel Hoe, chijmes city hall, $35
• DJ, Potato Head: Prav of .wavy (hiphop rnb), 36 Keong Saik Rd, bar bistro

 

22-Jun Thu

• Kruelty (JP hardcore), Krusty (MY), Deceased & KillonSight, phil's studio at parklane shopping centre dhoby L5, $35 now
• Esplanade Multidisciplinary Poetry, music, theatre: Between Ground and Sky, exploring Shirley Geok-lin Lim & Tan Tiag Yi , free
• Jazz Loft: HORNS ARE UNIQUE (HAU) ft Benoit Trouwaert, Andreas Marinello, Rick Smith, blu jaz L3 at bali ln, $22
• Cool Cats Jazz: Beautiful Bossanova with Natasha Oong, jw mariott beach rd (esplanade), jazz-ish bar $30
• SIAO CHAR BORS COMEDY: The Big Gay Variety Show, projector golden mile tower, $28
• Voices of Singapore Men's Audition, capitol theatre
• BEERFEST ASIA, Open Carpark beside Kallang Leisure Park
• DJ, Offtrack: Nez Senja, beside hong lim park, music gastro bar
• DJ, Tipsy Penguin turns 5! Tipsy Slumber Party ft. DJ Mad Jester & Emo Nemo + Bolster Fight Championship, NTUC Income Building Tampines Central

 

Ongoing maybe not music

• Till 25 June Gastrobeats and iLight Singapore, free
• Exhibition: Naruto TV 20th Anniversary Exhibition, marina square, $25, everyday
• Theatre till 18 Jul: Wild Rice's Hotel, funan city hall, $70 for 2 connected shows, every other day
• Theatre till 18 jun: Pangdemonium's Doubt - A Parable, esplanade, ~$60, everyday
• Avant Dance 15-18 Jun: PheNoumenon by T.H.E Dance Company, esplanade, $28-$40
• Ballet Kid-friendly 15-18 jun: Singapore Ballet - Peter & Blue's Birthday Party, school of the arts dhoby ghaut, $35
• Theatre 15-18 Jun: Wild Rice's Singapore Youth Theatre - A Double Bill: Every Student is A Good Student/ In My Head, funan, ~$30 soldout
• Dance till 11 Jun: Authentic Flamenco - Paula Rodríguez, Kewalram Chanrai Arts Centre (Robertson Quay/Fort Canning), everyday, $65
• Indian Arts Workshops 18-24 jun: Indian Performing Arts Convention 2023 Workshops - FB, and IG
• Kid Friendly 9-25 jun: Esplanade: Discovering the Harp! with Laura Peh, only on fri-weekends, free
• Exhibit 13-18 jun: Esplanade: Transit 步: The Installation, free

I'm in NY right now and it checks a lot of the boxes I want but the real estate is unsustainable and I'm sick of the vibe. I just want a space big enough for a bedroom, office, and small outdoor space without having to spend $4500 in rent or $800k to own. I have good steady income so mid to HCOL is fine, but NY just seems like it's on a completely different level of expensive now. I know it's impossible to do "New York but better" in the states, but I wonder if there's anything that checks these boxes:
Must have

• In or near mid-to-large city: I'm fully remote so I don't need to be near any HQ city, but being close to a some vibrance is good for me. I need people, shops, boutiques, performance and sports venues, or I'll go crazy. Bonus for robust transit system, baseball and basketball teams.
• Diversity/culture: I like seeing different faces, experiencing different micro-cultures, eating different foods. One of my problems with being in the north eastern cities is that often the default activity is drinking. I like a drink, but I don't want that to be the identifying culture of the place I live.
• Walkability / neighborhood vibe: Nothing is as walkable as NY in the states. But at least having neighborhoods that I can explore, even if there's a distance between them. Bonus if I can walk or bike through different residential areas without getting dirty looks or harassed.
• Cycling infrastructure: Cycling would be my main form of transportation. Would like to avoid owning a car, or owning one and driving it infrequently. Being able to bike from A to B for social events or errands is a major W. There's no place in the states that has a cycling culture, but if there was I'd be there in an instant.

Nice to have

• Near nature / water: I like a good hike or a contemplative moment overlooking a body of water, not necessarily a beach. Being a short bike ride to a river or lakefront park is huge.
• Industrial loft inventory: I have a weird thing for lofts. I would like to live in one without breaking the bank. And I don't mean those newly build loft style condos, but a converted factory type thing.
• Near a good airport: I like to travel. I do a handful of domestic trips and an international trip every year. Being near a far reaching and reliable airport is an excellent nice to have.
• Weather: I generally prefer mild weather. I think a lot of people will tell me Chicago is where I should be based on my preferences, but straight up I'm not built for Chicago winters.

My ideal cities are something like Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Paris, Copenhagen. I would probably try relocating to Netherlands to if I didn't have to be in the states to work.
After writing all this out I feel like it's an incredibly short list that includes Chicago, parts of California, and maybe Atlanta but maybe there's a city I haven't considered that checks some of these boxes.

First, I love this community.
Second, there's really no point to this. I just wanted to share since the girlfriend doesn't quite get it and my dogs have no idea what I'm talking about.
I bought this game because it looked like fun, was immediately overwhelmed, and went back to World of Warcraft. I started visiting this sub and watched some misadventures, checked out some amazing builds, and got a better feel for what to do beyond panicking over greydwarves.
Last week, I decided to establish a permanent base and got to planning. I made sure to add some components I saw commonly used in this sub. I found (on foot) a nice, relatively flat area in the meadows, near both a black forest and mountain biome (I know the mountains are far off but the scenery in the background will be amazing once i knock down some trees). Even better, I was a quick 15 second run to the ocean.
I returned to my prior base to load up the karve with the essentials and set sail to establish my new domain. To my absolute delight, I found the body of water near the new location was a large, natural harbor. Internally squeeling at the potential for a future project, I hop off and start unloading.
A small house goes up, some torches thrown around, I map out the potential I see for the future Fort Cowabunga. Too excited, I jump between clearing nearby forests for wood and digging a moat. The moat gets deep enough, relieved I had just enough wood to build stairs to get out (another lesson learned). I look at my progress. The ground isnt entirely flat. My moat isn't entirely even. Rocks and stumps surrounding the moat that will need to be cleared for a future road system. But it is mine, and I will farm it and I will protect it.
A new, 5x7 tile house goes up, fire place is almost in working order, the roof is 30% done and the forest starts moving, in the rain. I yank out my bow and watch as greydwarves and a brute slip into my moat, a great success. Cackling, I make it rain sweet sweet arrows, I feel untouchable. The raid ends, the sun comes out, and I build my fence, two bridges to the base with fancy double door entrances. Feeling accomplished without realizing the true success of the night.
Back to the ore grind, I zip over to the black forest. Boom, biggest copper vein I've ever seen. Even better, a burial chamber about 50 yards north. Clear the chamber like I'm evicting some squatters, I find the last 2 surtling cores I need to have a kiln AND smelter. More treasure, about 34 golden mushrooms.
Back to the copper, I get swinging. 34 ore in my pack and it's too much so I throw my first cart together. It eventually has about 53 copper and 8 tin ores in it. Thinking it's time to log, I start heading back and decide to load up on some core wood. As I'm chopping, a troll pokes his nose out at me and I decide to test the base.
I grab the cart and start kiting the big blue baby back home. I lost a single set of steps leading to a bridge at my main entrance as i kill my 3rd troll of my valheim career. Also ending what is now the most fruitful resource collecting excursion I have ever had, by a lot.
Kiln and smelter go up, get fully loaded and i pause for a good five to ten minutes, walking through my new impenetrable fortress. Just as I'm about to log off, I pick up some copper bars and walk to the chest near my forge. As it opens, I see the 3 queen bees I brought from the old base.
I close the game, turn off my PC, and look to the dog laying next to me. "Sullyboy!" I say, "pupaw's making mead soon!" Unimpressed, he saunters off to bed. I get in bed, everyone's asleep, and all I can think about is mead brewing while I build myself a dock in the days to come.