How to draw shadow vs sonic

sorry, I just need to share this door knock experience I had today.
I just had the Jehovah's Witnesses call. One of them knew my deceased mother and myself though I can't recall his name but I was surprised they called. I've been waiting for this but still my heart was beating fast. After my pimi father passed away my elderly pimi mother lived here with me until her death a couple years ago due to not accepting a blood transfusion. When I heard the knock on the door I was surprised since I had been through the angry phase of grief and leaving a cult so the local JW’s knew my feelings. I’ve since calmed down and am now probably more in the activism phase having spent time recently talking to the JW’s on the carts, usually until they left the area, or until I got bored and left. I was still surprised one of them would venture back to my place. Anyway we caught up about mum initially then started talking about the bible. I tried to ask what evidence there was for the bible being a true document from God and they talked about the resurrection being evidence, so I asked for proof but they just pointed to the bible so I said that the bible makes lots of claims but how do you know they’re true, it says that God created plants before the sun and bee's...thousands of years apart, despite it saying “an evening and a morning a new day” after each creative day so why would they not be 24 hours days. Even your creation video online says it was written from a human perspective but they're not 24 hour days? They kept talking about water above and waters below and that they cleared to reveal the sun. I showed them the flat earth model on my phone and said read it again looking at that picture and you'll see it's talking about a flat earth model.
They disagreed but couldn't defend it so kept saying the same thing. I had my bible by this time and my "was life created" brochure and tablet with the references from the brochure. I tried to argue the bible's account of creation was flawed and not scientific. The creative order is wrong and doesn't work creating plants before the sun and bee's. They kept trying to say that there were waters above that filtered the sun despite me showing them verse 16 where it says God made the sun and moon…on day 4, not made it visible. They said that it was just a summary of the previous day so I pointed out that day 3 ends at vs 13 and day 4 ends at vs 19 so wouldn't everything between be what happened on day 4? They wouldn’t agree and I forgot to ask them about why the creation order is different in Chapter 2 from vs 4 but if they come back I’ll be able to save that one.
Anyway I then showed then the “Was life created” brochure and asked why the Watchtower misquotes scientists and showed them the quote of Wolf-Ekkehard Lonnig in the paper “mutation breeding, evolution and the law of recurrent variation” where they add a capital “M” and mine quote a section to say that “Mutations…” do not create new species when the paper actually says that it is not viable…not that it’s not possible.
I tried to ask them what the Watchtower had done to show them that God supports them. What evidence has the WT supplied? The men that say they represent God but have to lie to provide evidence of his existence like in the brochure I showed them. They tried to say that they supported people in natural disasters so I had two questions, 1, show that they helped anyone that wasn’t a JW and 2. Show exactly in their financial records which disasters they gave to and how much? I said that other organizations did a lot more at natural disasters so does that mean that God is behind those groups instead or as well? Again I came back to what evidence has the WT provided to support their claim that God supports them?
They then said that obviously I didn’t like them to which I quickly replied, “no, you’re wrong” I have no animosity to Jehovah's Witnesses, I feel sorry for them allowing the WT organization to continue to tell them lies that they won't fact check. I’m disappointed that they won’t research anything without using WT material and that you’re allowing the WT corporation to fleece you. I wanted to say like lambs to the slaughter but wanted to keep it light. I don’t understand why anyone would think being told to be sheeplike is a good thing. I continued, the WT buy and sell properties and make the Jehovah's Witnesses pay for them. They don’t provide any social services or aged care facilities. To which he agreed and said “No, they don’t”, I continued that they don’t care for the elderly in their homes, they provided nothing for my mother who was a lifelong member, I had to provide her a safe home in her golden years because the WT had taken every bit of spare money from my parents over their life and told my parents “don’t worry, the end of the world is coming soon”. They’re building a big new video studio in Australia but the end is so close, the last of the last days. To which he quickly added that it will be used after Armageddon so I said, Oh is God going to protect them, is that in the bible? Do you have a scripture to back that statement up? He didn’t so I continued, they’ve sold all those properties in NY and even the local KH making my elderly mother have to travel 10 times further to a local hall. Expect to be told that you need to buy them a new KH here to replace the one they sold, sometime soon and if the organization is growing why did they sell off the local KH?
He evaded that question by asking if I had ever brought up these views with my mother when she was alive and I said no. She was safe here in her golden years but I knew that you are told that if anyone says anything bad about the WT or questions it that you have to flee. If I had said anything to her I knew she would have tried to leave this safe environment. I returned to, what is it that proves to you that God supports the Watchtower? He tried to say that he follows Jesus but I said so without the WT you could still follow Jesus? But he didn’t reply to this and was starting to leave at this point. I said I really urge you to do some research outside the WT material. I looked him in the eye and said calmly, “you’re not going to do that are you?”. To which he admitted he wouldn’t, I nodded and said “I know” it’s a pity that you’ll continue to allow the WT to lie to you and the brochure “was life created” has many examples of how they twist things to say what they want it to say…but’s it just lie’s. I’m really sorry you won’t do any real research but you’re welcome to come back and talk some more about it, I really enjoyed our talk. Then I looked him in the eyes again and calmly said “you’re not going to come back, are you?”, to which he replied no as I expected.
If you’re the person that came to my door today and are reading this, please come back when you’re ready to talk some more. We don’t dislike Jehovah's Witnesses, we dislike that you’re being lied to by the Watchtower Organisation.
Stay safe friends.

I posted this to my Facebook as I posted Tate-related content there and upset but also pleased a few people so I wanted to make my mindset adjustment public. I'm gonna copy and paste it here with some extra stuff that I didn't want to say on my Facebook because it would shit-stirr my family but I truly want to get it off my chest a day spread my message.
After taking plenty of time to think about it. I've decided that I am no longer a supporter of Tate. When you're just another one of the many young man outcasted by society, having your masculinity blamed for everything wrong in your life, bullied by the popular kids in school, never having a girlfriend and being blamed for all of those things, it's easy to see why I fell for his trap.
Having already left Incels and decided I want to try to improve instead of just giving up, I saw a man who told you it's okay to be masculine, it's okay to want the hot chicks, it's okay to want to drive sports cars, it's okay to want to be rich, it's okay to want submissive wives, it's okay to want to fight, it's okay to be a man! It's very hard not to be drawn to it in a world that tells you these things are toxic and will keep you celibate, that this is the reason women aren't attracted to you. Tate comes along with his 4 wives, videos of him with women in bikinis, his big muscular physique, his hundreds of millions of dollars and his 4 world kick-boxing champion belts to prove that notion wrong.
"If I'm such a misogynist then how come I'm fuckin' and you're not fuckin'? If I'm such a misogynist then how come women are coming to me?"
"All I talk about is how men are better than women and I'm still fuckin' more pussy than you are."
It's hard to argue with that point. The answer is because being a misogynist doesn't stop you from being attractive.
But, that doesn't excuse it. Tate knows with his money, status, physique, influence, accolades and confidence that he can still have a plethora of shallow women at his disposal and still get away with spewing his sexist vitriol.
"Women should not be allowed to drive"
"Women have been trading sexual favours in exchange for career advancements for decades, it doesn't make it sexual assault just because of the metoo movement"- Response to Harvey Weinstein's scandal
"When women end up in senior management it's nothing but a shit-show and a bitch-fest"
"I'm a realist and when you're a realist, you're sexist. There's no way you can be rooted in reality and not be sexist"
"When a woman marries a man, she belongs to that man"
"I was getting on a plane and I could see through the cockpit that a female was the pilot and I took a picture and I said, ‘most women I know can’t even park a car, why is a woman flying my plane?"
"A woman cheating isn't even on the same level as a man cheating"
"Female promiscuity is disgusting and it has been looked down upon in every era of human history to the point where a female could be executed for it." "As they should be"- Another man on the podcast "Get the rocks"- Replied Tate
Men, there's nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself! You can work out, figure out how to make money outside of employment, learn how to increase your testosterone, do NoFap, quit porn, jaw-maxing, eating clean, learning how to pick up women(and let's be honest, accepting that their advice on how to do so sucks 😅) learn a combat sport, have submissive women, be polygamous(as long as it's not deceptive). This is not cringe, it is called AMBITION! But here's the news flash:
YOU CAN DO THIS WITHOUT DEEANING WOMEN AND TRYING TO TAKE AWAY THEIR RIGHTS 🤯
Some people will call you cringe for doing this. Because they want to keep you on their level. Most women will say that you need to be a feminist or you will stay single and that self-improvement is cringe. But just laught it off, it doesn't matter. And no you don't have to be a feminist either. You can just be a respectful person who doesn't want to divert women's rights they are entitled to in the modern day.
The reason us sexless, emasculated, envious, unloved men felt compelled to him is because he offered a way out. A way out of the deception that you have to be feminine, emotional and deceived by fourth wave feminism to be accepted in society and have women attracted to you. This is a lie. When these young men fall for this lie, it becomes hard not to be angry and resentful when women do not act the way our parents, the education system and the media tells us they do. That they don't like the assholes, the bullies, the jocks, and yes... the MISOGYNISTS. We were told just being a nice guy who respects women is enough.
When this lie unravels, many unfortunately go one of 2 routes:
The red pill- Aiming for self-improvement and maximisation in every metric of your value(nothing wrong with that). But unfortunately then using this to control the women in your life and preach oppression to make things the way they used to be.
The black pill- Where men convince each other that they will never be able to obtain sex/relationships no matter what and their situation is inescapable, to just give up. Some of which tell others to rape women; some of which do. Some of which tell others to commit mass shootings; Some of which do.
Many men have now left the black pill because of Tate which is great and it is better they idolise him than murderers like Elliot Rodger and Alek Minassian or content creators like EggWhite and WheatWaffles. Some never were black-pilled but admire Tate for preaching masculinity and stoicism in a world that demonizes it. I will reiterate to those men- YOU CAN DO SO WITHOUT DEMEANING WOMEN
So why does Tate do this? 2 reasons:

1. He is a misogynist and wants women to be oppressed because he is threatened by their freedom and wants to enjoy the pleasure of seeing them controlled, at his service, being dependant on men, not being allowed to lead in any corporate or industrial organisations because he believes they are incompetent in doing so. He doesn't listen to his own rule here. But just because you want that and it is feels better to live that way as a man, doesn't necessarily mean you should do it.
   
2. He doesn't care about you. He really doesn't, he just wants to profit off you. He knew that targeting lost young men, a group that is hated, lonely and angry could be easily radicalised. Same as Hitler did with the Nazis by telling them it's okay to be German and then pointing the finger at Jews to blame them for all the injustice dealt toward them. It's a classic trick that is yet to fail.
   

Tate's mindsets are helpful in many ways:
"Do what needs to be done regardless of how you feel"
Beat Tate at his own game! Self-improve, do the hard work even if you don't feel like it! But draw the line with the misogyny because wven thought it FEELS tempting, comforting and easy to do so, doesn't mean you should. Having that said, it is painful for me to acknowledge I was wrong and deceived by this evil genius. It's also very satisfying to know that a certain someone was seeing me support ideologies I knew would never be approved of and that the brainwashing, abuse and manipulation I was subjected to wasn't working. I wanted to stick it to you and show you how wrong you were for trying to strip me of my masculinity. I hate that you will be releived I am moving on and respecting women and that you will feel justified in the way you treated me. But:
"The most important part of being a man is not doing what you want to do but doing what you have to do. Your feelings don't matter as a man!" -Tate
Thanks for reading 💚
The "certain someone" was my mother. She made me sleep with her until I was 14, walked around naked in front of me and encouraged me to do the same. She would tell me my penis was big when it is in fact under-average. She used to constantly make small-penis jokes, say misogynists, show-offs and even rapists were projecting their small dick insecurity. She also told me my bullies had small dicks. This hurt when I realised I had one myself but she wouldn't listen and insisted me it was above average for my age and I'm still growing. My father on the other hand would open the door on me in the shower, wave his finger at me with a stupid smile and tell me I will never impress any girls with a small one. I of course didn't wanna say this on my Facebook with my real identity and my sister thinks my Mum is some kind of saint who can do no wrong and nags me for a justification for ghosting her and I obviously don't want to provide the details because a; I have to admit I have a small penis in order to do so and b; I know I will probably be accused of lying or just gaslight me and say it's all in my head.
The worst thing she ever did was when I told her this 13 year old disabled girl had a crush ok me and I was being bullied for it so she told me "I don't think I can trust you to not have sex with her. You have high testosterone and are treating girls like sex-objects." This is difficult to say but I remember never loving my mother again after she accused me of being a paedophile who would take advantage of a disabled THIRTEEN year old girl.
We suspect she has Munchausen Syndrome and she told me I was sick my whole life with things I wasn't. Every morning I had to wake up and drink celery juice with no breakfast be cause she was convinced I was poisoned with toxins I was given at the hospital as a baby after I got bitten by our cat.
She told me I was gluten and dairy intolerant, I have since eaten these things and am fine.
I had developmental echolalia throughout my adolescence(if you don't know, similar to Tourette's syndrome, causes involuntry ticks and is common in autistic pubsescents). Both my parents and my sister told me I was doing it for attention and I could control it. I would get bullied in school for it and they would continue to tell me I could control it or to just "cover my mouth" when I do it.
She told me that my sexual urges were unnatural and for a "boy like me", I should not be "Seeing women as sex objects": This was her reaction to me telling her I would get erections and sometimes ejaculate when I saw sexy women in skimpy clothing and I tried to refuse going to the beach because of the women in bikinis but she would still force me to. I would usually rub one out before leaving if I had time or try to go in the water until the boner went down.
She also assured me before high-school that because I'm so handsome and "wasn't like the other boys"(respectful gentleman she apparently raised me to be) that I would be very popular with all the girls. When this didn't happen, she said it was because I must street them like sex objects.
She told me I was "addicted to masturbating": Apparently 4-5 times a day was addiction which in reality is just normal all teenaged boy stuff.
I explained that I was attracted to the hot women and not the nerdy ones like she told me to be and asked why this was. She told me it was because I had entitlement problems and it was due to my high testosterone. She said to avoid the hot ones because they are "too much drama" and that no matter what my girlfriend looks like, I will enjoy sex with her just as much because the emotattraction is what counts and hit girls will only manipulate me and take me away from her.
Because of this she would cry and hug me, telling me I was going to grow up to be a suicidal sex addict. She then went to the adult store and bought me a fleshlight as per my father and his friend's suggestion. She told me it would satisfy my urges and stop the spontaneous ejaculatiobs in public. I told her it wasn't do she threw it out and kept buying different variants, tryto find tge one that would work. None of course did.
She would tell me I needed to be saved to prevent myself from taking advantage of all the women with bad fathers who would want to sleep with me and I couldn't resist it because my testosterone was too high. She told me I needed treatment for my "hypersexuality". I told her I was hesitant and she would say "I don't know why you want to be a sex-addict. Why do you want to live like this? Why do you want to be a misogynist who abuses women? I could never deal with losing my boy, so please get the help you need.
She then took me to accupunctural therapists to give me treatment for hypersexuals that constricts blood vessels to the genitals and would convince him to administer it by telling him the same bullshit she told me.
I now look at my small penis and hate her knowing that it could've been even just a little bit bigger if it weren't for her "treatment" and I will never forgive her for the physical and emotional damage she caused me. There is so much more I could get in to about how she and my father too abused me but it's gonna be too long.
I always get worried when I see mothers who say they want their son to be "different".
"I don't want him to rape, be a patriarch, stalk women who reject him, embrace his emotional side, be attracted to strong and independent women" etc.
To those mothers. I am warning you, allow your son to embrace his masculinity, teach him to be stoic, if he has a father figure, let him influence him as an adolescent, let him be attracted to who he is attracted to. Don't be like my mother or he will resent you, he will he scarred for what you do.
Thank you if you read this far. Feel free to follow me for more and comment your thoughts.

Sooooo I've always felt some kind of way about it but it wasnt something that kept me up at night.. I've gotten through all my trauma but now that I'm a young adult who wants to be more sexually involved past abuse is surfacing. I can't explain everything as I only remember small portions of my childhood but I'll do my best.
Basically the earliest I remember is my neighbor who was a girl and slightly older than me was the one who introduced me to sex. Basically both our parents were shit and never around which is how this happened in the first place... but to keep it short and somewhat PG she made me perform sexual acts on her. One day my brother walked in on us and told my mom. Well later that day she beat me with a belt for it and that was that.
Skip to some random time later that I don't remember... but the sexual acts had continued with the neighbor and she had me watch porn and draw out what I saw because she wanted me to give my drawings to her. My mom found the drawings and again I got beat for it... although this time she asked me where I got the idea from and I told her who. She believed the answer, that it was my neighbor, but she preferred a different one. So she beat me again until I gave her a different name. This went on and off idk how many times but basically she beat me multiple times in a row until I told her my grandma's name (her mother) because she hated her and always wanted a reason to start stuff.
That's the main memory... but following the years after that my mother continued to make me sleep in the same bed as her despite us having a 4bedroom house I never had my own. She would sleep next to me naked in "our" queen sized bed... not very big obviously..and walk around the house naked.
I was going though puberty and started growing public hair. I would get ingrown often and she never taught me how to fit it myself... she enjoyed making me pull my pants down so she could pluck the hairs herself. Eventually I stopped telling her I was getting them and so she resorted to taking my pants off and doing this and lord knows what else while I was sleep. I never caught her doing it but she admitted this to me.
Skip to teenage years when I started having a highschool boyfriend she started talking about how I needed to date "a strong man who could control me" and that if I decided to have sex I would need to get her approval on the person first. She said that she wanted to get a lock and key jewelry set so that I would have the lock and she could give the key portion to the person I'll have sex with. Mind you were not religious at all... never have been. She was just super controlling over me and obsessed with me having sex. When I broke up with my boyfriend her response was literally "what happened? Did he rape you?" Also because we were dumb kids, my friends would sometimes send me dumb sexually themed memes and I would get yelled at for having them on my phone. It was totally uncalled for because even now I still see memes like that and they're not serious at all. If I had a kid who saw them I would just be like "bruh really" not yell at them.
There was also a few times where she would kiss my neck, and she would often grab my butt and breast. I was very verbal about my discomfort but she didn't care. She would literally say "you came from me so this(body part)is mine" or "incest is best" while stroking my arm.
I did have more to say but now my brain is saying that's enough for today cuz I can't remember anything else even though I know there's more😭 I lowkey feel like my mom was a pedophile but idk like I'm at a stage where I know what happened to me and I realize the effects... but my brain still has no feeling towards it. For some reason I also get this feeling that something worse happened to me but I just don't remember what happened? Idk if that makes sense. Because I have this fear of men overall, but especially a specific race of men that is totally uncalled for due to having no bad experiences with them that I can recall. Ya know? It's just this odd gut feeling that I get but can't explain.
But basically to summarize... now that I'm older I have had sex but each time I dissociated send froze so don't even know what really happened. I hate being touched or kissed, I don't want to hear about sex and even watching people kiss in movies gives me anxiety so I turn it off. I've tried experimenting with myself sexually to try to rewire my brain, but everything just ends up painful from myself tensing up so much.
So yeahhhhh that's it for now.

I (31f) could go into a plethora of details about what type of abuse was occuring but it would be as long winded as my relationship was and wouldn't get any of us anywhere.
This person (30m) and I met organically. They used lots of pitty ploys to get me to drop my defenses and allow them to operate in the way abusers do .
Being that I come from an abusive upbringing I've always struggled with codependency and wanting to save people. There are 4 trauma responses," fight , flight , freeze or fawn." I am a fawner , that means I go straight into people pleasing mode . That in combination with having ADHD means I fixate on things that give me dopamine.
I'll feed into something drastically and sometimes because of my anxiety surrounding the shame I feel about not functioning as well as others I'll sometimes be "quirky" . We all remember the kid who was a little hyper and annoying but if they were entertaining we'd put up with them , right ? Pair that with abandonment issues and you've got someone who puts their needs on the back burner for acceptance.
Well that's who I became into adulthood which honestly doesn't function well in most adult relationships. I tend to isolate myself a bit because for a while I felt a need to be secretive about my taboo choice of profession until I started going back to school (unmedicated, it was so difficult) and learned a skill set & started focusing on who I want to be vs who I was for survival.
So I find myself in this relationship with someone who was consistently playing into my sensitivities and would intentionally pick fights with me to avoid being held accountable for things. Also this gave them the opportunity to become the hero after being the villain seeing as they were the only person that I was getting affection from.
As much as I didn't want to react even though they would instigate I genuinely couldn't help it. When they would break up with me suddenly I would break down crying right then and there and beg them not to leave. Eventually through my own strength and just the monotony of it happening over and over again I wouldn't react as strongly but there were still certain events on the timeline that would trigger me.
I started my journey in getting a diagnosis over a year ago and it only happened (now) because I needed somebody who was close to me to tell my therapist what my habits were. Luckily this guy had been living with me so he was able to do it and it's probably the best thing that came from that relationship. I was able to get medicated and the first couple of days it was kind of difficult adjusting.
I had taken this medication as a teenager and a child growing up and I remembered it made me feel very empty inside and I didn't enjoy that but I also lived in a home where I wasn't allowed to have my own identity.
I began to notice that the lack of feeling anxiety and shame and not being quirky wasn't necessarily a bad thing and genuinely was working in my favor. I noticed that the things that I got my dopamine fix from we're no longer interesting and I was able to actually focus on what was going on around me.
I decided that this feeling was not me "lacking something" but the opportunity to fill it with things that I actually enjoy. Thanks to some research I did on Reddit in regards to side effects of the medicine. I noticed when people suggested to view it in that way and when I did everything changed. It became extremely apparent that my environment was what amplified the feelings of emptiness , as a child and now .
Cut to the event at hand. There I am in a dispute with this person and he's trying to bait me and antagonize me and all I'm doing is just looking at him and giving clear responses. No emotional outbursts, no fawning, no quirky jokes to lighten the mood.
He starts to say that I am seeming like a very different person. Whilel I do understand that that must be very scary for someone to feel like they're losing a person that they love because they're medicated and it is possible that parts of my personality were manufactured out of survival.
I was still the same person, just less reactive and less accommodating.
I started feeling like I had a superpower and I made sure I took my medicine every day. We did have conversations about him feeling uncomfortable and I did try to do other things with him... But the thing is is that he never really got to know me as a person and I wouldn't say that's necessarily my fault it's more that he just wasn't as invested as he claimed to be.
I truly believe that this medicine gave me the capability to stand up for myself. Of course that means that the abuse started escalating. We did try couples counseling but mainly he's just really obsessed with getting revenge on people and uses justifications to go out and do things behind my back. He was putting my health at risk and was putting me in a financial bind.
Overall we just weren't very compatible and I do have a restraining order against this person now but they still try to contact me and keep trying to remind me about all the fun times we had when I was "cooking and cleaning for him".
I have two sets of therapists and I'm working on holding myself accountable for what got me in this situation and how I'm going to process these feelings going forward.
Throughout a lot of breakups I've had I've fixated on people for an unhealthy amount of time even if they hurt me. But this time I don't feel that way at all and I really do think it's because of my Adderall. I avoided getting medicated and I self-medicated for a long time because my mom used prescriptions as a way to control me growing up. I grew up in a fundamental Christian household which also lends to me being a little naive and vulnerable when it comes to controlling men. I've never considered myself the trade wife type but I've definitely been given the blueprints for it. At this point in life I would love to just move out to the sticks ,be a spinster and adopt a duck, a couple of dogs and take my cats with me but financially that doesn't seem plausible.
He abused me and every single way that somebody could. I would urge everybody on this planet to read the book , "Why does he do that ?" By Lundy Bancroft.
P.s. I now have a restraining order against him and luckily when I take my medicine I don't feel like I'm dying inside (because of the separation).
Ltdr: boyfriend's been abusing me for the past year. I'm a typical quirky fawning codependent person. Taking Adderall helped me drop the persona and start taking things more seriously by not allowing me to fixate on the things that gave me dopamine. He said he didn't like who I was becoming because I wasn't reacting to his antagonizing..

I (31f) could go into a plethora of details about what type of abuse was occuring but it would be as long winded as my relationship was and wouldn't get any of us anywhere.
This person (30m) and I met organically. They used lots of pitty ploys to get me to drop my defenses and allow them to operate in the way abusers do .
Being that I come from an abusive upbringing I've always struggled with codependency and wanting to save people. There are 4 trauma responses," fight , flight , freeze or fawn." I am a fawner , that means I go straight into people pleasing mode . That in combination with having ADHD means I fixate on things that give me dopamine.
I'll feed into something drastically and sometimes because of my anxiety surrounding the shame I feel about not functioning as well as others I'll sometimes be "quirky" . We all remember the kid who was a little hyper and annoying but if they were entertaining we'd put up with them , right ? Pair that with abandonment issues and you've got someone who puts their needs on the back burner for acceptance.
Well that's who I became into adulthood which honestly doesn't function well in most adult relationships. I tend to isolate myself a bit because for a while I felt a need to be secretive about my taboo choice of profession until I started going back to school (unmedicated, it was so difficult) and learned a skill set & started focusing on who I want to be vs who I was for survival.
So I find myself in this relationship with someone who was consistently playing into my sensitivities and would intentionally pick fights with me to avoid being held accountable for things. Also this gave them the opportunity to become the hero after being the villain seeing as they were the only person that I was getting affection from.
As much as I didn't want to react even though they would instigate I genuinely couldn't help it. When they would break up with me suddenly I would break down crying right then and there and beg them not to leave. Eventually through my own strength and just the monotony of it happening over and over again I wouldn't react as strongly but there were still certain events on the timeline that would trigger me.
I started my journey and getting a diagnosis over a year ago and it only happened because I needed somebody who was close to me to tell my therapist what my habits were. Luckily this guy had been living with me so he was able to do it and it's probably the best thing that came from that relationship. I was able to get medicated and the first couple of days it was kind of difficult adjusting.
I had taken this medication as a teenager and a child growing up and I remembered it made me feel very empty inside and I didn't enjoy that but I also lived in a home where I wasn't allowed to have my own identity.
I began to notice that the lack of feeling anxiety and shame and being quirky wasn't necessarily a bad thing and genuinely was working in my favor. I noticed that the things that I got my dopamine fix from we're no longer interesting and I was able to actually focus on what was going on around me.
I decided that this feeling was not me "lacking something" but the opportunity to fill it with things that I actually enjoy. Thanks to some research I did on Reddit in regards to side effects of the medicine. I noticed when people suggested to view it in that way and when I did everything changed. It became extremely apparent that my environment was what amplified the feelings of emptiness , as a child and now .
Cut to the event at hand. There I am in a dispute with this person and he's trying to bait me and antagonize me and all I'm doing is just looking at him and giving clear responses. No emotional outbursts, no fawning, no quirky jokes to lighten the mood.
He starts to say that I am seeming like a very different person. Whilel I do understand that that must be very scary for someone to feel like they're losing a person that they love because they're medicated and it is possible that parts of my personality were manufactured out of survival.
I was still the same person, just less reactive and less accommodating.
I started feeling like I had a superpower and I made sure I took my medicine every day. We did have conversations about him feeling uncomfortable and I did try to do other things with him... But the thing is is that he never really got to know me as a person and I wouldn't say that's necessarily my fault it's more that he just wasn't as invested as he claimed to be.
I truly believe that this medicine gave me the capability to stand up for myself. Of course that means that the abuse started escalating. We did try couples counseling but mainly he's just really obsessed with getting revenge on people and uses justifications to go out and do things behind my back. He was putting my health at risk and was putting me in a financial bind.
Overall we just weren't very compatible and I do have a restraining order against this person now but they still try to contact me and keep trying to remind me about all the fun times we had when I was "cooking and cleaning for him".
I have two sets of therapists and I'm working on holding myself accountable for what got me in this situation and how I'm going to process these feelings going forward.
Throughout a lot of breakups I've had I've fixated on people for an unhealthy amount of time even if they hurt me. But this time I don't feel that way at all and I really do think it's because of my Adderall. I avoided getting medicated and I self-medicated for a long time because my mom used prescriptions as a way to control me growing up. I grew up in a fundamental Christian household which also lends to me being a little naive and vulnerable when it comes to controlling men. I've never considered myself the trade wife type but I've definitely been given the blueprints for it. At this point in life I would love to just move out to the sticks ,be a spinster and adopt a duck, a couple of dogs and take my cats with me but financially that doesn't seem plausible.
He abused me and every single way that somebody could. I would urge everybody on this planet to read the book , "Why does he do that ?" By Lundy Bancroft.
P.s. I now have a restraining order against him and luckily when I take my medicine I don't feel like I'm dying inside (because of the separation).
Ltdr: boyfriend's been abusing me for the past year. I'm a typical quirky fawning codependent person. Taking Adderall helped me drop the persona and start taking things more seriously by not allowing me to fixate on the things that gave me dopamine. He said he didn't like who I was becoming because I wasn't reacting to his antagonizing..

I (31f) could go into a plethora of details about what type of abuse was occuring but it would be as long winded as my relationship was and wouldn't get any of us anywhere.
This person (30m) and I met organically. They used lots of pitty ploys to get me to drop my defenses and allow them to operate in the way abusers do .
Being that I come from an abusive upbringing I've always struggled with codependency and wanting to save people. There are 4 trauma responses," fight , flight , freeze or fawn." I am a fawner , that means I go straight into people pleasing mode . That in combination with having ADHD means I fixate on things that give me dopamine.
I'll feed into something drastically and sometimes because of my anxiety surrounding the shame I feel about not functioning as well as others I'll sometimes be "quirky" . We all remember the kid who was a little hyper and annoying but if they were entertaining we'd put up with them , right ? Pair that with abandonment issues and you've got someone who puts their needs on the back burner for acceptance.
Well that's who I became into adulthood which honestly doesn't function well in most adult relationships. I tend to isolate myself a bit because for a while I felt a need to be secretive about my taboo choice of profession until I started going back to school (unmedicated, it was so difficult) and learned a skill set & started focusing on who I want to be vs who I was for survival.
So I find myself in this relationship with someone who was consistently playing into my sensitivities and would intentionally pick fights with me to avoid being held accountable for things. Also this gave them the opportunity to become the hero after being the villain seeing as they were the only person that I was getting affection from.
As much as I didn't want to react even though they would instigate I genuinely couldn't help it. When they would break up with me suddenly I would break down crying right then and there and beg them not to leave. Eventually through my own strength and just the monotony of it happening over and over again I wouldn't react as strongly but there were still certain events on the timeline that would trigger me.
I started my journey and getting a diagnosis over a year ago and it only happened because I needed somebody who was close to me to tell my therapist what my habits were. Luckily this guy had been living with me so he was able to do it and it's probably the best thing that came from that relationship. I was able to get medicated and the first couple of days it was kind of difficult adjusting.
I had taken this medication as a teenager and a child growing up and I remembered it made me feel very empty inside and I didn't enjoy that but I also lived in a home where I wasn't allowed to have my own identity.
I began to notice that the lack of feeling anxiety and shame and being quirky wasn't necessarily a bad thing and genuinely was working in my favor. I noticed that the things that I got my dopamine fix from we're no longer interesting and I was able to actually focus on what was going on around me.
I decided that this feeling was not me "lacking something" but the opportunity to fill it with things that I actually enjoy. Thanks to some research I did on Reddit in regards to side effects of the medicine. I noticed when people suggested to view it in that way and when I did everything changed. It became extremely apparent that my environment was what amplified the feelings of emptiness , as a child and now .
Cut to the event at hand. There I am in a dispute with this person and he's trying to bait me and antagonize me and all I'm doing is just looking at him and giving clear responses. No emotional outbursts, no fawning, no quirky jokes to lighten the mood.
He starts to say that I am seeming like a very different person. Whilel I do understand that that must be very scary for someone to feel like they're losing a person that they love because they're medicated and it is possible that parts of my personality were manufactured out of survival.
I was still the same person, just less reactive and less accommodating.
I started feeling like I had a superpower and I made sure I took my medicine every day. We did have conversations about him feeling uncomfortable and I did try to do other things with him... But the thing is is that he never really got to know me as a person and I wouldn't say that's necessarily my fault it's more that he just wasn't as invested as he claimed to be.
I truly believe that this medicine gave me the capability to stand up for myself. Of course that means that the abuse started escalating. We did try couples counseling but mainly he's just really obsessed with getting revenge on people and uses justifications to go out and do things behind my back. He was putting my health at risk and was putting me in a financial bind.
Overall we just weren't very compatible and I do have a restraining order against this person now but they still try to contact me and keep trying to remind me about all the fun times we had when I was "cooking and cleaning for him".
I have two sets of therapists and I'm working on holding myself accountable for what got me in this situation and how I'm going to process these feelings going forward.
Throughout a lot of breakups I've had I've fixated on people for an unhealthy amount of time even if they hurt me. But this time I don't feel that way at all and I really do think it's because of my Adderall. I avoided getting medicated and I self-medicated for a long time because my mom used prescriptions as a way to control me growing up. I grew up in a fundamental Christian household which also lends to me being a little naive and vulnerable when it comes to controlling men. I've never considered myself the trade wife type but I've definitely been given the blueprints for it. At this point in life I would love to just move out to the sticks ,be a spinster and adopt a duck, a couple of dogs and take my cats with me but financially that doesn't seem plausible.
He abused me and every single way that somebody could. I would urge everybody on this planet to read the book , "Why does he do that ?" By Lundy Bancroft.
P.s. I now have a restraining order against him and luckily when I take my medicine I don't feel like I'm dying inside (because of the separation).
Ltdr: boyfriend's been abusing me for the past year. I'm a typical quirky fawning codependent person. Taking Adderall helped me drop the persona and start taking things more seriously by not allowing me to fixate on the things that gave me dopamine. He said he didn't like who I was becoming because I wasn't reacting to his antagonizing behaviors.

Long story short, I was using my old laptop (4gb ram) and recently switched to a PC because it broke down. I was only able to run CSP smoothly so i never learned how to paint in Photoshop.
Now that I can run PS, is it worth the learning curve to learn the UI etc? or should I just stick to CSP and use photoshop to learn other stuff (outside actually drawing/painting there)?
Does anyone here alternate between them?

I've been thinking lately that the human relationship to dogs is fundamentally selfish, and that the dogs suffer as a result.
It's said that our relationship with dogs started as a result of their scavenging our carnivorous castoffs, sniffing around at the edge of camp, picking up whatever bits and bobs might be lying around. Over time, a relationship developed, and we began to rely on their sense of hearing. If some or another beast was lurking in the shadows, they alerted us with a bark. So we had a deal, bark if there's some shit out there, and you get some scraps.
Fast forward to now. They've been selected on the above relationship, and what do we say? Get away from the table. Quit staring at me when I eat. Quit barking, there's no one at the door. Shit, how the hell is the dog supposed to know if it's your neighbor or a murderer?
Next up is the grotesquery of breeding. Dog breeds have all the genetic integrity of European royalty. Look at the list of maladies that plague these poor bastards. From the bad hips of German Shephards, the faulty joints of St. Bernards, the insatiable appetite of Labs, the Pugs inability to breathe, the shaking neuroticism of many a small dog, to the Cesarean birth of Chihuahua's, it's all pretty bad. And for what? Human preference. Of form, of temperament, all for our wants, never the dog.
Next, their loyalty and devotion to us might be a curse for the dog. I've known many a dog that attaches itself thoroughly to an owner, and get's depressed when they leave. But there is no explanation to a dog. Just the loss of the one person they love most in the world for an inexplicable reason until they return. There's a reason dogs are so happy to see you when you get back.
Lastly, they must conform to very tight specifications. If you bite, you die. That's the bargain.
Also, we cut their balls off.
Anyway, I welcome any counterpoints and nuance, but fundamentally, it seems our relationship is selfish.

So I wanna let you guys know how I'm doing on this because this is a huge project for me. You guys will NOT be getting pictures ಠಿ⁠ヮ⁠ಠ Not gonna spoil anything whatsoever.
If you ask in the comments, you will be told as such.
I will say SOME things though.
Question; How many starring characters?
Answer: Three! Lifty, Shifty, and Flippy.
Question: How many Featuring?
Answer: Four; Cuddles, Giggles, Pop, and Cub. But everyone will somehow be incorporated, whether it be one panel or a few.
Question: Is this Easter themed?
Answer: Yes it is! Why? No idea, just had an idea to do it.
Question: When will it be done?
Answer: Your guess is as good as mine. But if it helps, I'm doing a text layout for it to follow along with and I have four pages of bullet points, layout for 101 panels and thirty six rows. Tedious but I'm having a blast doing it.
Question: Will you do this again?
Answer: Maybe! Honestly it's not as different as drawing comics and there's writing involved. Although the drawing part might take me longer but I'm not giving up on it.
If you guys have any other questions, lemme know...! I'll be happy to answer some as long as you don't want spoilers!

So I quit my last job at the end of last year and have been taking a few months off. In that time I have been focusing on developing my skills as an author. I have been watching lectures and reading books about writing and honestly feel that I have improved quite a bit and even have a few short stories I am proud of and trying to get published. The ultimate goal here is to eventually write and publish a book but for the time being I am just trying to focus on improving. Hopefully I can turn writing into a full time job, but for now I'm not making money. Anyway I am getting to the point where I am running out of money and need to start working again so I got a job at a local fast food place and plan on working part time so I can still spend some of my time on writing(fiancee is fine being the main bread winner). I have my orientation in a week and my first shift will be a few days after. The problem hear is that as it draws closer I find I am absolutely dreading it. I have the most experience in retail but couldn't find a retail job so here I am. So long story short I am starting a job that I am really not excited about and hate that I won't be able to work on projects of my choosing and at my own pace. I have come to love the freedom of doing my own thing, but I need money. So my question is this: How do make that transition smoothly? How do I stay motivated to work a job I really don't want to do? I mean not only do I not care about fast food but also I would rather spend my time working on becoming a successful author. I have loved these past six months and am proud of the work I have produced and progress I have made. I guess I am just scared and nervous and need advice on reentering the work force. How do I go from something I am passionate about to a soulless job?

Howdy there folks! I understand this might be a long and confusing post, so I'll do my best to simplify it for readability. I'm relatively new to posting on Reddit, so please forgive me if I overlook something obvious.
As a GM, I'm very inexperienced, this is my first time actually running a table, but I'm fortunate to have a table with three of my best friends who are incredibly supportive. I've had negative experiences with previous groups, but I couldn't ask for better pals and tablemates now. I've been planning to run my own DnD campaign for about two years, and finally, the opportunity has arrived with the right group. My campaign is a blend of my friends' and my favorite fantasy elements, drawing inspiration from games like Divinity Original Sin, LOTR, TES Oblivion, and more.
Currently, I'm running a campaign based on a failed Out of the Abyss storyline. In Out of the Abyss, a party ventures into the Abyss to defeat a powerful antagonist who has united the Abyssal plane and threatens to invade the mortal plane. However, in my campaign, I'm exploring the question of what would happen if those adventurers failed to stop the invasion.
To get to the main point, I have a central plot revolving around a looming demonic invasion. The player party consists of chosen adventurers who have been marked with the "Godbrand," a magical mark that signifies they have been chosen by the Gods themselves to combat the imminent storm. However, the players are still unaware of their true purpose and the reasons behind their selection. The Gods have yet to communicate with them directly, leaving them in the dark about their destiny. My challenge lies in gradually introducing elements related to the demonic invasion without it happening outright. I want the players to become slowly aware of the impending threat and face off against smaller encounters as they progress in levels. Eventually, the full extent of the invasion will be revealed, but I want to build up to that climactic moment.
My question is, how do I do this? How do I slowly build to this incoming danger without it arriving? I'm currently working on some bandits who've been unified under one banner by a Demon (disguised) in order to weaken a Kingdom ahead of the invasion, but how do I have the players reveal to this slowly without their just being a random demon at the head of a horde of bandits?
Forgive me if this is long-winded, and or confusing, there's a myriad of things I'm trying to compress, so I don't have too much word vomit, but I feel as though that's passed a bit..
TLDR: A Demonic invasion is coming, and I need help revealing that to the party without it outright happening. Elements of the Abyss are working in the shadows to destabilize the mortal plane, but what exactly are those actions they're undertaking, and how do I clue the party in without spilling the entire plot?
Thank you lot for your time, please if you have any questions feel free to ask!

Apologies in advanced, this post is going to be rather long, as I have a lot of complicated thoughts and backstory I need to get out of my head. I'm an agender adult in my mid-to-late 20s, and I'm questioning my gender identity, which is a process that has repeated and gone nowhere once or twice a year for years now.
I was assigned male at birth, and am perisex as far as I am aware. Growing up, due to a mix of autism and my religious home environment, I had a very limited understanding of gender and sex, where the two were one and the same, just one was a more "adult" word because of its other meaning. This understanding went unchallenged until about middle school, when of course, puberty started to make my trans peers realize something was wrong, and further into high school as said peers began to understand more about themselves. I got into several conflicts with friends (I tended to draw in queer friends for reasons I didn't understand then), and I'm not sure whether it's more fair to say due to my fundamental upbringing or my complete lack of understanding, or a mix of both. I always felt like shit afterward, even if I thought I was right. When I changed schools at 16, I made an effort to try and understand what was wrong, what I was missing, and at the same time as making a new friend group, I also started making online friends.
One friend, who I'll call J, was outside my realm of understanding at the time, and helped me out of the rut I was in. J's label of choice at the time was neutrois, but I'm not sure if that's evolved since then, it's been many years. Over the course of a year, J and my other friends taught me a lot about gender, sexuality, and the horizons I didn't understand outside of my upbringing. I came to understand a lot about how gender is a personal experience, and how, yes, sexual attraction DOES exist, and yes people actually do want to screw other people for fun; my irl friends really hammered in how asexual I am, lol. I really did think that my peers were over-exaggerating or fabricating their interest in what I understood as an adult procreational activity, and just thought them shallow for wanting to grow up so fast. I really was an ignorant kid... Anyway, what J taught me about gender though really sparked something in me, or set something in motion. If gender was an individual experience, and not just whatever chromosomes and genitals you've got, it put me in a precarious position, because uh. I had no personal connection to my AGAB, and until then had thought that was normal. If gender isn't an innate thing, then... what was I?
I slowly started to piece together that I wasn't any gender at all, and a lot of little things from childhood started to stick out. Even before puberty, I had a fascination with exceptions to the rules of gender as I understood it then, from reading parts of my mother's medical textbooks on intersex conditions, and body types that deviated from the norm I had been largely told was how things were supposed to be. As a small child, my elementary schoolmates would play "gender wars" at recess, and not wanting to be left out, I wanted to play, but not wanting to play JUST with the boys, I played as a double operative going back and forth sharing plans with both sides. At summer camps, I loathed being forced to only be around boys, and wished that we could have anyone, boy or girl, as roommates. In gym class I hated dressing out in front of my peers, because I felt uncomfortable and inexplicably like I didn't belong. I developed a lot of resentment from being forced to group with boys and act like boys and have so many activities and everything divided for no good reason by gender. Like, I thought back then, we don't separate kids by ear lobe type, which is another 50/50 split, so why on earth does this other trait matter so much?
So years ago, when I first became an adult, by around 19, I thought I had my gender pretty much figured out. I was nonbinary, which started as demi-male, then eventually agender. And I thought I had it figured out, but. Every now and then for the past couple years I have a week or so where I become really uncertain of this. Not that I think I actually am cis, god no, but. I look at art or photos of lesbians expressing their love for their girlfriends and wives and feel envious. I read posts from trans girls talking about how they love their bodies that shirk cisnormativity, and honestly wish I could be happy like that. The love between men and women feels mundane, but the love between women makes me feel envious; not that I wish I could be with one of the women there, but rather that I could be like her, and have what she has. It's incredibly hard to describe, but it just leaves me longing. And yet, at the same time... I don't think I want to be a woman? Or perform the role fully? It's all so nebulous. I don't want to wear dresses, I don't want to wear makeup or do my nails, or any of that; had I been AFAB with the same kind of mental state I have now, I don't think I'd dress much differently, in loose comfy clothes that satisfy my autistic sensory needs. Don't take me wrong, I know womanhood and gender is so much more than performing behavioral and visual roles, and I think gender roles are garbage anyway, but I just feel like... I don't know.
So often I'm perfectly content as is, though I do wish my disabilities could let me get in better shape... But every now and then I feel like what if there's more? If I woke up one day, and was made outwardly to look like a woman, I don't think I'd ever go back. But most of the time I think I am happy as I am, or at the very least don't really think about it much. My gender, or lack thereof, doesn't really play a large role in my personal life, so I can't see why I'd want anything to change. And yet this confusion persists. I know this is a massive wall of text, but I don't know any other way to convey my thoughts without just putting my entire experience with gender out there. I don't think women or lesbians have it better, I'm not looking to move up in acceptability in the world or treatment by others. I'm just entirely focused on figuring out who I am here, and what would make me happiest.
Am I in denial about my true identity? Is this just normal questioning? Is this a case of "the grass is greener on the other side"? I don't know, please let me know your thoughts.

So I installed SDL for vs community using on this tutorial.
but... I get these errors on build when installing SDL_image because (I think) I can't add the .lib files to Additional Dependencies.
git repository
so.. how to fix this?
Thanks in advance