Hi doctors!
I'm a 22 year old female, 5'10", 172 lbs, taking xanax before sleep (0.25 mg), non-smoker who just underwent a major liver surgery to remove a large liver tumor (FNH).
About 3 days ago, I weirdly noticed that I had the sensation of a lot of saliva in my mouth that was actually really beginning to annoy me. Now a few days later, I keep spitting out my spit and swallowing it which causes me to swallow a lot of air which is causing gas pain and acid reflux. I just had a major liver surgery a week and a half ago, and right before the surgery I also had this very weird problem that seemed to have gone away in a few days, but is now back and not wanting to leave. I also struggle with OCD along with anxiety and depression, and I'm not sure if the hypersalivation is due to stress or if it's due to some underlying health condition. I feel too ashamed to leave my home with this problem as I'm constantly spitting and can barely speak a sentence without constantly drooling on myself. Does anyone know how to go about this issue? Thanks in advance🥺

Hi, I'm wondering what people know about hyperphenylalaninemia (whew that's a mouthful).
I see lots of mentions here that pku is a spectrum and some people have it mild. I am curious about things like - how people with milder versions are diagnosed? - would the baby heel test have picked it up and been reported to the parents now and 15-20 years ago (ages of my kids)? - what's the range of phe that can be eaten for different levels of phe intolerance? - what is the cause of milder versions versus "classic" pku, in people's experience, same etiology or different?
Reason I'm asking is I'm homozygous (both genes) for low GCH1 activity, which means I have low bh4. Since BH4 is limiting factor of conversion of phe to dopamine I started to suspect phe was a problem for me. I found some scientific literature and discussions to back that up but there isn't much out there. I wouldn't even know what kind of doctor would for sure help me with this, and finding that doctor would be something of a coin toss. So I thought maybe you all who've been dealing with this for years know something anecdotal or otherwise.
Once I made this connection I started cutting back on phe containing foods, felt better but got hesitant about a self imposed diet (was I being orthoexic?). Went off, then back ON lower phe and wow, I got my brain function back very noticably. I know quite a lot about nutrition and am a decent home cook so I can do this. Although I cook for a fam that expects meaty dinners so that can be hard to resist, but the mental clarity is proving to be worth it!
Well thanks in advance if anyone knows anything about the relationship of genetic BH4 deficiency and phe intolerance.

I actually don’t know why i’m posting this because this happened about a month ago but it is still really bothering me and i need to have the opinion of someone else.
Okay so basically, flashback to november of last year my god brother and I decided it would be a good idea for us to have a combined birthday party. Before the party all of our close friends thought it would be a good idea to pre game prior because why not. His best friend who I had only met once or twice before the night of the party, got really drunk and started being really touchy towards me, but i honestly didn’t think anything of it because he is just an affectionate person in general and i had a feeling he had a thing for me since the first time we met. After my parents saw how he was acting towards me that left a really bad taste in their mouths, they just thought that he had no respect for me. (also pls keep in mind i have very strict wog parents). After the party we had only spoken once, since he had messaged me the day after the party asking if i was okay (because i was also intoxicated on the night of the party) we didn’t speak again until new year’s eve at a mutual friends gathering. At this nye party there was just this strong chemistry between us that all of our friends noticed and they didn’t really think anything of it other than that we would look really cute together. We started talking on the first of jan and we’re kind of on and off until the end of april. About a month in of talking i decided to tell my mum about him and that i have feelings for him because, i have a very close relationship with my mum and i usually tell her everything. My mum completely flipped out and told me that i was not allowed to be with him and that i had to cut things off right away and i did explain to her that we weren’t dating and that we just liked each other. when i saw how upset i made my mum that i was interested in dating him i ended things the next day. We ended up getting back together again within a few days and things were fine for a few months until my mum found out that he was hanging out with me and grounded me for about a month. I had found my way out of my house one day when i was grounded, as i had told my mum i was going for a walk and actually met him in his car down the street and spoke to him about how i didn’t think that our relationship was going to work because, it was very selfish of me to keep him there as i couldn’t guarantee him that my mum wouldn’t find out about him again, and he said that he was willing to risk it because of how much he cared about me. (also this really hurt him that i couldn’t take him home to meet my parents as he is very family oriented and was serious about having a relationship with me, and he still stuck around despite of the situation) A week passed by and he started to become really distant and would find excuses not to speak to me, ignore my calls, not message me good morning and goodnight messages, etc. I found it really weird that he didn’t want to talk to me even tho he knew he couldn’t see me and the only way we see each other was through face-time. anyways we ended up speaking and came to the mutual decision that ending things would be the best option and we ended on good terms, although that is not what we wanted.
And that leaves us here, a month after we have split and I thought i was getting over him until it hit me about a week ago that i do love him but, my mum has also made it very clear to me that he will never be excepted into our family after the way she saw him treat me at my party. ( to be fair i can see why my parents feel that way towards him bc if i were in their shoes i wouldn’t like him either) Although both my parents think he is very disrespectful, he is the complete opposite, he never made me feel pressured to do anything with him and he made it very clear to me that he was willing to wait until i was ready to do things and didn’t make me feel like i had to do something i didn’t want to, he never violated my space\ privacy and would rarely touch me inappropriately( even when we were making out lmao). This is why i am still so upset about the whole situation, if my parents knew him personally and gave him a chance i feel that they would really like him as a person but they are still so strung on their first impression on him.
I still have hope that one day him and i can get back together, because i do believe that we had something very special and even if i can’t be with him i do hope that he finds someone who genuinely makes him happy and can give him the relationship i couldn’t.
anyways, should i have completely disregarded how my parents feel about him or should i have not told my mum about him in the first place????
tl;dr - my mother does not approve of my boyfriend causing us to break up!

Hi,
We have health insurance. I am posting here because there is really nothing we haven t tried and need ideas.
My GF has recurrent vaginal issues since 2019. Everything started with a Ureaplasma urealyticum infection which may be or may be not coming from me. Since that issue, we always practice safe sx and never ditched the condom, because of the risk of spreading stuff between us. We are also extra careful of location.
But after this, she started having recurrent issues with vaginal bacteria. We went to the doctor and after 2 yrs she went clean. No more bacteria in the blood work/local tissue samples etc. They also did several complete exams on her and everything came back clean. Yes, we tested also for more serious issues like some cancers.
But, her symptoms mostly never stopped. Just the intensity is lower.
And she also gets UTIs pretty frequently (1x year). Especially after more frequent love-making.
I need to mention the fact that we are really careful with hygiene. We shower each time before and after, our apartment is clean, we always go to the doctor and seek treatment, we always take it, we never push away consultations or blood work. I mean, we do all that we are told by the doctors. And we each already went to 6 doctors. 6 for her and 6 for me, in search of the root cause.
Is there anybody that could give us some life experiences? It s been 4 years already and we are really confused given the fact that her blood work/samples are coming back clean, the docs are saying she is ok, but she has symptoms (once or twice per week).
The official diagnostic is some good bacteria (probiotic) imbalance in the V and they have given her probiotics for the past 2 years but neither that is working too well.
Any ideas what we can do more, are appreciated!
Edit: what concerns me: I never had the bacteria Ureaplasma in my samples/blood work. I did started also having symptoms about 6 months after her. Went to the doctor, diid all I was asked for. After 2/3 years of on and off antibiotics, I can say that I am mostly fine (99%). I also took blood work and samples for STDs, and all came back clean.

# INTRODUCTION 🏡
Hi everybody. Like you, I was very very anxious about the idea of removing my wisdom teeth. I did a lot — and I mean a lot — of research beforehand and during my entire journey. I am now 9 days post OP, and thought it would be a great idea to compile all my notes 📝
​
# CHOOSING YOUR NUMB 💉
As you might know, wisdom teeth extraction involves slicing your gums open in order to extract the wisdom tooth, buried below the gums. Sometimes, if your wisdom tooth is emerged, surgeons will be able to just pull it out without having to do any incisions. Nevertheless, you still need some type of numbing to block the pain, usually called **anesthesia**
There are two types of anesthesia you may choose from for this procedure:
- **General Anesthesia** is the most common form of numbing anesthetic used to prevent patients from feeling pain. In this form of anesthesia, you will be injected in the arm (vein) and will be knocked out cold temporarily. The dosage depends on how hard your wisdom teeth are to take out. Some will need to be asleep for 30 mins while others an hour. Surgeons will monitor your heart rate, oxygen, and pulse using an external machine.
- **Local Anesthesia** is the other form of numbing anesthetic used. Though less common than General, local is also a good option and is what I used personally. During local anesthesia, you are completely awake. Surgeons will inject anesthetics directly into your gums, and you will feel the sting almost identical to the flu shot but on your gums. Sometimes, surgeons will pre-numb your mouth using a numbing cream or numbing spray. Because you are awake during the procedure, you will feel *pressure* during the wisdom teeth extraction ie you will feel the dentist pulling your wisdom tooth out. There will be no pain besides the initial injection/sting of the anesthesia
*a quick note on brain~stuff 🧠* sometimes, surgeons can provide laughing-gas (Nitrous Oxide) which can make you feel a bit *happier* and less stressed about your current situation. Likewise, waking up from general anesthetia provides a similar dazzy effect. A FAQ is “will x make me admit my secrets?” Yes and no. It depends on who you are and how you react to the side effects. Some people will spill secrets and some will just laugh and have no idea what is going on. It’s important to note that surgeons understand this, and feel free to have your significant other sit in another room and explain why.
​
# BEFORE THE PROCEDURE ⏰
Fast for 8 hours before the surgery. No liquids or foods 8 hours especially if you are using general anesthetic for the procedure. Even if you are not using general anesthesia, it’s a good idea to fast so that you don’t accidentally gag and the food comes up… ew!
If you are using general anesthesia, it is required you have a friend or family member stay with you and be able to drive you home. Even if you are using local anesthesia, you should still prepare a ride just in case the pain becomes unbearable afterwards.
*A quick note on pineapples 🍍* a lot of people on Tik tok suggest drinking loads of pineapple juice to help with healing after the surgery because of a naturally occurring chemical known as bromelain in pineapples that helps inflammation. There hasn’t been enough research into this, but I say it doesn’t hurt to try. There’s no pain in drinking a glass of pineapple juice 8 hours the surgery (unless you wanna cut on sugars)
​
# AFTERCARE 🦷
You finished surgery. Great! Now comes the greatest challenge, avoiding dry socket and healing completely
​
## WHAT IS DRY SOCKET 🌵
After you get your wisdom teeth removed, there will be a hole where they once were. This hole will bleed for the first 5-8 hours and is normal to ooze blood. Eventually, a **blood clot** will grow over this hole and stops bleeding. **YOUR GOAL IS TO KEEP THIS INTACT IN ALL COSTS**. If the blood clot is dislodged you will get a painful condition known as dry socket. This is when the blood clot was dislodged (removed) and now the hole is wide open with the nerves exposed. It is a risk from day 3 - day 10, with high risk being from day 3-5
​
## HOW DO I KNOW I HAVE DRY SOCKET 😨
Dry socket is hard to spot, so it is mainly diagnosed with symptoms. The most obvious sign is if you see a blood clot outside your mouth. As in you’re brushing teeth and suddenly a massive blood clot (looks like strawberry jam) falls off into the sink. If you happen to swallow this clot unknowingly, here’s other symptoms: extreme, throbbing pain all throughout the jaw and even extending to the temples, more bleeding even past day 1
​
# HOW TO AVOID DRY SOCKET 🧘‍♀️
**NO SUCTION** No spitting, sucking, straws, kissing, blowing nose, vacuuming chip crumbs with your mouth literally whatever causes suction for the first **TWO WEEKS**
Why? Suction can pull the blood clot from the hole. Simple.
Other tips: don’t work out or do anything to raise blood pressure for first two weeks. This can affect blood formation and slow healing. Also, when gargling don’t swirl the liquid (it might catch the clot) instead, tilt your head and open mouth simply when ready to discard water.
​
# EXTRACTION SITE CARE 🩹
For the first hour - 2 hours, bite on the gauze to stop bleeding. You can also use a teabag (non emptied), the tea leaves have medicinal anti bleeding properties. Do not brush or rinse mouth for first 24-48 hours. Don’t wanna mess with extraction site. Apply ice on your cheeks to reduce face puffiness.
Follow medication instructions. Use the chlorohexidine mixture if provided according to instructions. Set alarms for your antibiotics if given.
Sleep a lot. The more you sleep, the more your body has time to repair repair repair!
After 2-3 days, resume light brushing and flossing. Keep doing salt water or chlorohexidine rinses as instructed. Keep taking antibiotics. Use a curved syringe to flush extraction site and get rid of food particles.
​
# WHAT TO EAT 🍦
The ultimate goal is to let the extraction site heal. Avoid spicy foods (capsaicin can irritate gums), grains, crunchy food, chewy foods, or anything that can easily get stuck in the sockets or cause you discomfort and chewing. Avoid extremely hot things. I recommend:
- ice cream
- smoothies (NO STAW)
- bananas
- pancakes
- overcooked (soft) pasta
- **WARM NOT HOT** soups
- yogurt
- milkshakes (NO STRAW)
After the week one mark, you can pick up whatever you feel comfortable doing that at that point JUST NO STRAW/SUCTION UNTIL WEEK 2.
​
On that note, drink everything normally as if in a regular cup. Avoid straws.
​
# I GOT DRY SOCKET. WHAT NOW
Call your surgeon immediately. They will fill the holes with medicine. And follow the how to avoid dry socket steps.
​
# AFTER WEEK 1
You made it through the hardest part! Now, you’ve likely finished your antibiotics and no longer need to do chlorohexidine rinses. Still rinse your mouth after meals with salt water or use the syringe to flush your food. You can try going back to regular diet but no suction still. The risk of dry socket is basically close to 0 at this point, but be safe by avoiding straws until after week 2
​
# AFTER WEEK 2
Straws are welcome back! So is working out and basically having everything you used to have. Irrigate and flush the holes or rinse until the hole is completely closed which can take about three weeks to a 2 month depending on how fast your body heals. But at week 2 is when you’re pretty much safe from dry socket
​
# APPENDIX
## Irrigation
Sometimes, patients are given a curved syringe that they can fill with salt water. Aim directly at the hole and flush. You should see food particles coming out. You do not need to flush the top holes as gravity naturally lets the food fall.
​
## STITCHES/SUTURES
Sometimes, surgeons stitch the holes closed for better healing. If that’s the case then you don’t need to worry about irrigation. The stitches will usually dissolve or fall out by day 7. If not, call your oral surgeon and ask if they can remove it.
​
### My stitches fell out on accident too early
No worries! Just treat the site as if you never got stitches. So flush the site and take extra care avoiding straws and suction
​
Keep taking care of the site by gargling and flushing it until the holes have fully closed (3 weeks - 2 months) et voila!
​
# GRANULATION TISSUE
Do you see a pale white substance attached to tissue on your site? That’s a good sign and leave it alone that is granulation tissue or recovery tissue. After about three weeks the granulation tissue will become pink and eventually become one with your gums. If you see granulation tissue on neighboring teeth or not the extraction site do not panick. Just leave it alone as it will eventually fade into your gums anyways
​
# CONGRATS 🎉
You did it :)

Well I'm Austin and I'm 16 y/o i tried acid for the first time with my brother and it started off with a tab each at 9pm on a Friday night. I had tried shrooms 3-4 times previously and I knew that acid was far more intense because I watch psyched substance lol(and I had plenty of insight from my brother) Anyways, around 20 minutes after we took the first tab , we said f#ck it and took another one. We figured might as well since i didnt want to feel like I missed out on anything. It all hit around 10:30 pm after we went to my sister's to grab some lasagna my dad sent with me when my sister and brother picked me up that night. we were having a blast dying laughing at the smallest things, it was so insane the feelings of being out of my body but still in it at the same time lol. My brother attempted to warm uo the lasagna but they didnt work because we were tripping so hard. My brother was sitting there with a fork in hand poking the lasagna with it in the oven and oven on. Yes I know how this could have went really bad and it almost did. As we sat there in the kitchen dying laughing watching my brother poke lasagna with the oven cranked on high, the though came over me what if we burn the house down, cause by this time we were starting to peak and I felt like I was losing control. I gasped after I thought this but it didn't send me spiraling into a bad trip as my brother heard me gasp and seen that I had this spooked look on my face. It didn't effect my trip what so ever. So I settled with a cup of lucky charms with a plate under neath because I could barely eat right lmao. I regret choosing lucky charms as a food to eat on acid because my mouth and jaw felt so sore. After i ate, we settled down watching funny youtube videos. Later in the night around 2am, my brother was ready to passout as both our trips were coming to and end and we were ready to crash, at least he was. As fascinated as I was and how good the trip went for me, i decided on taking another 2 tabs. My brother said to me "its up to you man, im all good, im going to bed. So i decided to drop the other two of course. After my brother watched me eat the other two, he said "you better buckle up". my brother fell asleep soon after but would turn over in bed to check on me because my body was (for lack of a better term) trembling or twitching mixed with slight giggles from the amount of acid I took and my body felt so stiff. I was completely fine and felt safe cause I knew it was just the acid. My brother finnaly passes out for good around 3am so that left me and his two dogs. I got bored of laying in bed so i went and sat on the couch I the living room as I waited for the tabs to hit me and the dogs basically huddled up in a little ball with me on the coach lol. It's so strange how animals act towards you when your tripping on psychedelics, especially shrooms. So after we huddle up , all I remember was me sitting there facing towards the curtains of the living room window. It was about 4am when I started staring at the window .I remember being so stiff, all I felt like doing was staring at curtains. And that was the last thing I remembered up until around 6 :30am. I'm still very curious till this day as to where my mind went for that long duration of time. I know I didn't sleep because when I clicked back Into or whatever the hell you wanna call it, I hadn't moved not a single muscle. All i remember is it being dark outside rhe window, and then boom, there was daylight. It was going on 7am and I finnaly got up and moved from the coach. I felt so so weird, words could not explain besides it felt like it wasn't my body that I was in. I went back to my brother's room to see him still sound asleep. Then I remembered I have a phone lmao, I hadn't touched it at all that night, as soon as I got on it, I texted my sister instantly because i wanted to share what i had experienced or try to. I thought it was crazy that as soon as I woke up and texted her , this was the exact time she had woke up, she said this herself. for the record my sister lives right next door to my brother as it was a triplex building. I told her I was walking over and it was going on 8am at this time. I was still tripping but no visuals , just feeling like a spaghetti noodle is the only way I can explain it lol. She thought I was insane because I told her about how much I had took. All together , I took 4 tabs of lsd, which I think is quite a bit now looking back for a first lsd/acid trip. We smoked a bowl of weed and chilled for a little while until my brother woke up. At this time it was 10am, and I still felt like I had woke up a hour ago, i was energized so me and my brother ended up deep cleaning his house for two hours. We were "geekin"as my brother called it because I know damn well ihadnt slept and we were cleaning every little spot of dirt or gunk we seen. Around 12 pm , I finnaly started to get a little bit tired, so I took a shower. Water be feeling some type of way on acid I tell you , but don't expect me to explain it cause I can't lol. I took a shower , my brother had warmed up sea food so I ate and crawled into bed at 1pm. Finnsly my I crashed and I slept for a total of 18 hours , tripping for a total of 16 hours straight , and was awake for a total of 31 hours. I woke up the next day at 7am feeling so so amazing , so clear headed, and better than I have ever felt in my life. I hope you enjoyed my little trip report on tripping acid at 16y/o
Let me know your thoughts, if you have any questions, please ask and I will reply to the best of my abilities.

Outer Space Shack is a gripping space base building game where players strive to master the cosmos and establish sustainable habitats. In this update, we delve into thrilling enhancements in the game like our advanced life support system, the return of the lunar rover, and the initial stages of In-Situ Resource Utilization (ISRU). Plus, we've integrated numerous quality of life improvements to boost your gaming experience. Stay tuned for the latest game insights on our subreddit ( outerspaceshack). You may enjoy the latest video screenshots or the trailer on the Steam page.
High Performance life support
Over the past few months, I've introduced basic thermal and air management systems into Outer Space Shack. Early in the game, players can access this system, but it comes with certain drawbacks. It requires a piece of machinery per space base module, taking up considerable space inside. Additionally, CO2 scrubbing requires consumable supplies. Plus, cooling, a primary challenge on the Moon, demands substantial thermal radiators.
(screenshot here)
I'm excited to share that the high-performance life support system is a significant upgrade. A large heat pump now assures heating and cooling. The renewable life support mechanism I've designed includes a high-performance air conditioning vent and a renewable CO2 scrubber. This scrubber removes CO2 from the air and releases it later. I've also added a new vent for disposing of CO2 outside, and in the future, I plan to introduce a specialized tank for storing CO2.
I've also made provision for storing O2 bottles outside the base in a specially constructed shack, shielding them from solar radiation. This solution helps save valuable space within the pressurized modules of the base, further optimizing interior space usage and enhancing the overall functionality of your lunar base.
The escargot is back
I'm excited to announce that the space rover 'Escargot' has made its return to Outer Space Shack. You might remember it from the 2021 trailer. Subsequent development focused more on astronauts, causing the rover to fall into the sidelines. But now, after some thorough overhauling, it's back in action. The rover is an outdoor operator, as it can't enter the space base, but it's designed to automatically undertake landscaping and transport tasks.
Integrating the rover has the significant advantage of reducing your astronauts' EVAs. EVAs pose radiation risks to the astronauts and consume valuable water resources, as the space suits are cooled using a water evaporator.
(screenshot here)
Notably, the rover is indispensable for building regolith walls due to its ability to transport large regolith bags and blocks weighing a metric ton. Despite the Moon's lower gravity making this equivalent to just 150kg on Earth, it's still far too heavy for even the strongest astronaut.
I'm also mulling over making the rover a necessary component for transporting materials to build space base modules. Some parts realistically weigh more than the 100kg that astronauts can safely transport on the Moon. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and invite you to join the ongoing discussion here.
Exploring ISRU: The First Step
ISRU (In-Situ Resource Utilization) involves the collection, processing, storage, and use of materials found or produced on celestial bodies like the Moon or Mars. These materials serve as a substitute for those that would traditionally be shipped from Earth. While the ultimate goal of ISRU is to construct space base modules, cultivate food, and fabricate necessary technology, the reality proves to be complex. Consider all the raw materials, factories, and diverse machinery required even to produce a simple object like a fork.
The initial implementation of ISRU in Outer Space Shack is modest but vital: a solar kiln constructs large blocks which can be stacked to create thick walls and roofs around space base buildings. The process of the solar kiln is slow, constructing one to two blocks per month. I'm currently exploring the possibility of integrating a combined solaelectric kiln for quicker block sintering.
(screenshot here)
These blocks play a critical role in shielding the interior of the space base from harmful radiation. Radiation poses significant threats to the central nervous system, causing cognitive and motor function changes, and behavioral shifts. Acute effects can include radiation sickness symptoms like nausea, vomiting, anorexia, and fatigue.
Chronic exposure to radiation heightens the risk of developing diseases such as leukemia, lung, breast, thyroid, esophageal, stomach, and colon cancers, as well as affecting the central nervous system. Radiation can also cause eye damage, potentially leading to cataracts, and can compromise the immune system, making astronauts more prone to illnesses or infections.
Thus, while the large regolith bricks may seem mundane, they serve a crucial purpose. Two meters of this material is needed to shield effectively from radiation, making them an essential part of your lunar base's safety measures.
Exciting Quality of Life Enhancements
As we inch closer to release, with less than two months to go, a significant portion of my time has been spent fine-tuning the game, implementing several small yet essential improvements, many of which are long overdue. To summarize:

• Expedited Transitions: The shift between the space center on Earth and the space base on your chosen celestial body is now faster and more fluid.
• Multiple Save Files: I've added the capability to save several game files for those times when you want to try different strategies or start anew without losing progress.
• Enhanced Function Screen: This feature has received a visual overhaul, providing a clearer, more appealing graphical interface. It's now accessible for all networks, encompassing electricity, heat, cold, clean water, dirty water, oxygen, and CO2. The screen now showcases top consumers and allows direct control to switch off systems as needed.
• Prioritized Assembly: When assembling diverse structures on your chosen planet, power generating buildings are now assembled first. This priority is given because power is typically necessary to operate other buildings effectively.
• Camera Improvements: The camera now provides smoother movements, enhancing overall visual experience. I've also included a feature where the camera can follow a land vehicle or astronaut for a more immersive experience.

(screenshot here)
I'm thrilled to confirm the official release date of Outer Space Shack - July 20th. This will mark a significant milestone in the game's journey and, as the old saying goes, 'you only get one chance to make a good first impression.'
If you've enjoyed what you've seen of the game so far and haven't already done so, please consider adding the game to your Steam wishlist.

Sucks to suck I guess. Lol. It's my fault anyway. I thought i was just going to kill myself. 0.48 cents in my bank account. 50 cents in quarters in my wallet. Another 75 cents in quarters in random pouches of my purse, they must have fallen in there by accident over the last year. Then I found 45 cents in dimes and nickles in my car. Got a large sprite. I don't like to have that much sugar. But I like a treat sometimes and mcdonalds has the large for 1.70. Just finished work. Doing Uber eats. My goal was to make $100 today and I made $130 so I feel good. I feel bad though because I still have some gas left and could make more. But it's 1am and my son is sleeping in the back seat and I kinda want to go home and sleep.
I just have this memory of being 15 years old. Doing the same thing. Living alone, searching my apartment for quarters to get something to drink. I remember thinking, in 10 years I'll have everything figured out. I won't be doing this anymore. Here I am 11 years later. Left a pretty mean guy a year ago. My confidence was all gone and I was convinced I was ruined. Like that I was shit inside me, everyone could see from looking at me that I'm worthless, men would want to hurt me just from seeing me, even if they're nice, because I just deserve it. After my ex tried to kill me and I finally got out I came to that conclusion. I dropped out of college because I missed my exams from that. Maybe I'd be starting a nice job now if I hadn't done that. I'm pretty embarassed of myself and I don't think I'll amount to anytning but at least I don't think I'm worthless anymore. I'm not scared to be around men/people anymore. Doing this Uber eats job helped me. I was scared to go into restaurants but now I can no problem. And I just got an AC unit installed in my place yesterday. It was sweltering before then. So that's where my extra money went.
Took my son to the food bank after that since that was all my grocery money too. They gave us a lot of vegetables which is beautiful. I was so embarassed. Feel like a failure but we have to eat. So tonight I made canned corn, salad and macaroni courtesy of the donations of kind people in this city. I have lots to be appreciate of. And I feel good cause I got my drink tonight. And tomorrow I'll get paid, pay a bill and use my remaining $30 to make $100 and then I will make more, pay more, maybe one day I'll make something of myself.

I 31 female have been working as a part time SGA (Senior Guest Advisor basically a manager) at a GameStop. I started about a month ago give or take a few days, even though I have 10+ years of retail/customer service/cashier experience I have 0 experience as a manger and I was hired directly into a manager position. I have had opportunities to grow and move up at jobs but ultimately chose to keep team member position instead of leader rolls because I just don't think it's for me. It's not that I don't feel good enough or that I would not be able to fulfill the roll I'm just not willing to stress myself out and I don't see how the added pressure it would bring could be worth it. When I was hired as a SGA they did train me for the first 2-3 weeks, and I began working without my ASL (Assistant Store Leader) a few days before last week started.
Although there are pretty small tasks in the job that I still need help remembering everyone has had no problem helping me. Other than that I feel as if I have most of everything else down. Last Wednesday I was scheduled to close so I went in to relieve the other SGA. This SGA generally is from another location but she has been working for the company a lot longer than I have. I have only worked with her maybe once for a few hours and the only time I see her is when she is either scheduled to start when I get off or vice versa I've only seen this girl a handful of times and she seems nice enough.
When I came into work to relieve her she did let me know that she wasn't able to finish an inventory count for defective products. She told me that if I for some reason don't or can't get around to doing the count it wouldn't be an issue since there is only 1 defective product in the count and that the girl that comes in the next morning can do it. I did try to do it multiple times throughout my shift but every time I got around to it we would get busy, so I decided to wait until it was closer to closing time.
About 10 minutes before closing I attempted to start the task again and at that time a couple with 4 kids decided to come in. The GA that was with me greeted them and they said they were just browsing. During their visit the couple was wandering the store and letting their kids run around and touch whatever they wanted like it was a playground. I greeted the couple in passing as they came in and when they left but that was about the only interaction I had with them. During this time I was still trying to open the count in the system but I was having technical difficulties. I'll admit I did get a bit frustrated and may have said the F-word a few times. My GA let me know kind of aggressively to be careful because there are children in the store. At the time I didn't realize how many times I had said it, it has become such a big part of my vocabulary that I don't really hear myself or notice when I say it anymore. Since I started working there I have had to work on that habit and I have gotten better about it but I still have my slip ups.
I corrected myself but I didn't think it was a issue because the closest kid to me that was in the store was too focused on a toy and wasn't in earshot and the parents were on the far opposite side of the store and I wasn't speaking loudly and they had made no acknowledgement that they had heard me. When it came to closing time the family left and I was still having trouble getting into the system for the count.
I could've called my ASL or another location but it was closing time and I didn't want to bother them when it was their time to go home. So I didn't think anything of it when I decided to leave it for the girl in the morning to do like my other SGA said I could. If I had known that that wasn't an option, I would've called someone for help to get it done. I was off the next day and the following day I was scheduled I had gotten sick and had to call out so today was the first time I was back since that night.
When I got there my ASL was working and she took me to the back to talk to me and I was informed that she had received a "complaint" by a customer for my language. I knew it was the couple that came in before closing time with their pack of demons because that was the only time I had used fowl language all day. But for some reason I'm having a hard time believing there was a complaint because at the time I even dropped the F-Bomb I wasn't close enough to any of the couple's kids to hear and if the couple did hear me say anything they didn't acknowledge that they did and were having their own conversation.
My ASL spoke to the GA about it and the GA did tell her that she told me to watch my language. But when the GA confronted me. She said it in the most aggressively polite way possible, she didn't say anything rude exactly but the way she said it came off aggressive and her tone irked me, but I let it go and just said okay. But something in the back of my head is telling me that there wasn't a real complaint from a customer. My gut is telling me that the GA was the one who complained and the ASL is just telling me it's from a customer to avoid any possible conflicts. But I don't want to think that because this GA is really nice and currently my favorite employee to work with cause we have a lot in common. So the thought of her being the one to complain confuses me.
I told my ASL I will work harder on paying more attention to my F-Bomb habit, and then my ASL proceeded to scold me on not doing the defective count. At that point I was about ready to snap, I felt like I had gotten set up. I explained the issues I had had with trying to get it done and that I was told by the other SGA that it wouldn't have been a big deal if it didn't get done cause there was only 1 item in the count and the girl that was scheduled to come in the next morning could do it.
I felt set up because the SGA that I had relieved that day that told me I had the option to leave it for the girl the next morning had to have known that it had to be done that same night. She's an SGA as well and has been working for the company a lot longer than I have like for at least a 6 months to a year or longer. And someone who has been working there that long would've had to have known something like that. So if she did then why would she tell me that someone else could do it. She had to have known that it had to be done that night and that I would've gotten confronted about not doing it and I'm also confused on why I'm the only one who had gotten scolded for not doing it when the other SGA never did it on her shift either when it is her responsibility to get it done just as much as it is mine.
And even though I explained that I was put under the impression that it wouldn't have been a issue if it was a day late and why it wasn't done. My ASL wasn't accepting any of it and wasn't very understanding. Which made biting my tongue even harder and I'm starting to see little by little why my ASL is having a hard time keeping employees. But at the end of it I just kept my mouth shut cause I knew anything that had came out of my mouth at that point wouldn't have been nice. But what do you guys think? Are my thought valid? Am I just overthinking things? Would I be the asshole if I said something? or should I just let it go?

Something happened tonight. Something always seems to be happening these days, but this time, it was particularly confusing.
Some days don't even feel real anymore.
After my last post, I did as my savior human had advised me. I called Mary Markov and relayed to her what Jewel had told me. She promised to send agents to the warehouse right away, and late that same night, she reached out to me once again with news of an arrest having been made. Despite this small success, we both knew that this meant outright war. The Collective would know who had given them away, and the possibility of me joining their ranks peacefully would be off the table. The question remaining was when they would make good on their threat. Nettie Peterson's house is being guarded by covert Agency personnel, and mine and Eli's apartments are under watch, too. I'm glad Mary Markov is doing what she can to protect them, but I never doubted that complications would arise eventually.
Just not quite so soon.
The day started off fine. My best friend, still being relatively used to having agents around, doesn't seem to mind the aforementioned changes. The van inconspicuously parked outside her house didn't bother her in the least as she went about her morning routine. I helped her throw together something nourishing for breakfast, then watched her doing her makeup. She likes to keep her lips glossy and often applies lime green eyeshadow paired with a pear-colored line and, on special days, the occasional rhinestone. She looks like a garden fairy. When I told her that today, she treated me to a bright smile and a pat on the cheek.
She went off to look after her larvae, leaving me to roam her house alone. I spent some time inspecting the many drawings she keeps framed on the high wall in the living room. She always brings new ones home from work—gifts from the kindergarteners. They're not very artistically skilled, but they do produce interesting work. Nettie hangs them all up on the special wall, even the really bad ones. I watched TV for a couple hours, then read until Nettie came home.
It was getting dark out when she realized she needed tampons. She said she could get by on what she had until the morning, but no longer. I told her to stay put and that I'd run and get some for her, which is why I went on that fateful evening walk. I gave a quick nod to the agent leaning against the van outside as I started heading down the street, backpack slung over my shoulder. I made it to the convenience store five minutes before closing time, giving the annoyed cashier an apologetic look as she rang me up. Outside, the nightly blackness had settled over the rooftops, and I took in a deep breath, letting the fresh air flood my body.
All was well as I began to march back in the direction of Nettie's home. Until I heard a motorcycle revving.
…Jewel?
I instantly froze up. There was no one immediately in sight. I tried to soothe my fevered mind. There was no reason to be so on edge. A lot of town residents owned motorcycles, or at least I assumed they did. This reaction was a testament to my own waning sanity, no doubt. I shuddered, making an effort to shake the thought. There was a nervous tension in my step as I continued on my way. The engine noises faded off into the distance after a while, and I concluded that I was indeed becoming a bit paranoid.
Step by step, I carried myself towards my goal. Nettie Peterson's street wasn't anywhere in sight yet, but I would probably be at her door in around ten minutes tops. I had walked the distance between her house and the store often enough to estimate. I considered putting my earbuds in and listening to some music as a distraction, but I was afraid of what I might end up missing if I took away my sense of hearing. I began to chew on the inside of my cheek.
There was not a soul out except for me. This wasn't uncommon considering the size of our town, but given the circumstances, it still served to elevate my heart rate. I repeatedly tried and failed to calm myself. Eventually, I couldn't help it anymore. I took off running. And then it happened—someone stepped out from a sidestreet right ahead of me and we collided. Large hands flew to my shoulders, long fingers harshly digging into them. I didn't need to look up at the other person to recognize them. I sensed the same musky smell that had lingered around my room for hours after their last visit; warm, sweet and impossible to ignore. I could suddenly hear every single beat of my heart reverberating between my ears. Dread seemed to dribble down my bone-dry throat, pooling in my stomach like cold water.
I slowly lifted my head, knowing exactly who was about to stare back at me.
Jewel's eyes were incredibly wide. Their brows were trembling in manic, barely restrained fury, their lower lip quivered and, to my complete bewilderment, tears were freely rolling down their cheeks. They solidified the moment the skin contact was lost, turning into shimmering stones of green, blue and violet. I reached out and caught one before it could hit the ground. It was bright pink, and I found myself captivated by its beauty.
"So, can I… keep this?" I asked, tilting my head at the cultist.
Their chest was rising and falling heavily, and I shrank back a little when I took note of their nostrils flaring. "You are so dead," they uttered in a low, husky growl.
"I take it you got news of the Agency's involvement?"
Jewel once more closed the distance between us. They leaned down, their gemstone tears bouncing off my chest as they fell. "You spiteful little bitch. You'd rather try to ruin a good cause than forgive me and work together?"
"You can't be this delusional."
"Don't tell me what I can and cannot do!" they snapped, their voice rising to an eerily high pitch. They paused, looking briefly confused by what they'd said before the wrathful expression twisted their features again.
"What now? Are you seriously going to attack me out in the open like this?"
"Oh." Jewel drew themself up, squaring their muscled shoulders. "Oh, I'll manage."
Their outline before me started to blur, becoming fuzzy and indistinct. I blinked, then reached up to rub my eyes. They weren't becoming any clearer, though. Frowning, I took several steps back, squinting at the spot where the cultist had just been standing. The cultist was quickly turning into a faint, paling swirl of colors, losing shape before at last disappearing completely.
I was speechless, my pulse racing as beads of sweat ran down the side of my face. I couldn't believe it. Had all of this been some sort of hallucination? I raised a hand to my feverishly hot forehead. I was losing my mind. That had to be it. My gaze dropped to the gray asphalt and my breath caught in my throat when I spotted the colorful stones lying at my feet. Fuck.
A soft laugh rang out beside my ear, a draft of moist, warm air grazing my cheek.
I instinctively swung at the emptiness beside me, my clenched fist connecting with nothing. No.
"Come back here," I whined, flinching at the unmasked fear in my own voice. A sharp pain flared up in my ankle as my feet were swiped out from under me. I let out a squeak as I fell onto my open palms, managing to shield my head from the impact just in time. The rough ground scraped my hands and knees as I hurriedly pushed myself up, a few stray pebbles drawing blood. Despite my panic, my mind was clear enough to understand that I was in a precarious position. I couldn't just whip out my tentacles—not here where anyone could see me. It would for sure result in hysteria. People could start straight-up shooting at me. I'd end up looking like a monstrosity on a rampage, especially with Jewel having gone invisible. As it were, I only had one option, and that was to run.
I didn't waste another second. There was no way I was leading this murder cultist back to Nettie, but I had to find somewhere with other people, anywhere…
Aimlessly charging ahead, I tried to bring more distance between myself and the disembodied footsteps ringing out from behind me. Before long however, it was becoming hard to tell how far away they truly were. The sound seemed to flit from side to side, reaching my ears from constantly changing directions. The asshole was messing with my head.
Soon enough, my lungs were on fire. My sides were stinging; breathing became harder. I inwardly cursed my useless short legs. Still, I didn't slow down; I didn't dare to. I was growing increasingly desperate. Where was I supposed to go? I couldn't think of any places still open. And then, cutting through the darkness, a flickering neon sign offered the answer to all of my questions. Tom's Diner. With hope renewing my spirits, I picked up my pace once more. Rhonda was just in the process of moving the big menu sign inside for the night. I came to a skittering halt mere inches in front of her, helplessly grabbing onto her apron before she could close the door behind her.
She spun around to face me with knotted brows. "Evangeline?"
"Help me," I wheezed. "Let me in, quick!"
Rhonda, though still visibly perplexed, sprang into action, dragging me inside along with her. I slammed the door shut, throwing my entire weight against it. An unseen force clashed against it from outside, making the entire storefront shudder. The waitress nearly dropped her sign. "What in the—"
"They're after me," I choked out. "You can't see them, but they're right outside!"
"Oh." Her expression cleared up. "Say no more, say no more." She reached into her apron pocket, rummaging around while mumbling to herself. "I'm picking up what you're putting down…" She produced a bright red marker. "Allow me." Swiftly stepping up to me, she raised the felt tip to my forehead, proceeding to draw something onto my skin with smooth, efficient accuracy. An incoherent whisper slipped from her lips, words in a language I had never heard before. Finally, she pulled back. "Turn around, try if you can see them now. The door locks automatically, by the way."
I hesitantly shifted my weight back onto my feet, releasing the door and turning to look out into the night. I let out a gasp, staggering back when I found the contorted visage of the cultist pressed up against the glass. Jewel's eyes were still rimmed with shimmering tears, their mouth twisted in a grimace of murderous rage. They frowned in confusion when they realized that my gaze was once more trained on them. It didn't take long until they started pounding on the windowpane again.
"Hey! You stop that," Rhonda shouted, stabbing a finger in their direction. "I just cleaned that today! Oh hell… Hailey!" she called over her shoulder. "We have a problem; come help."
Another waitress came rushing out of the back room. Glancing between us and the pacing cultist outside had her huff out a sigh. "I see," she said icily. Determinedly striding towards the door, she lifted her voice, beginning to recite a verse or rhyme of some sort. It all sounded like gibberish to me. My head was spinning, my mind running wild, unable to keep track of what was happening around me. My skull suddenly felt prickly from the inside, my whole body seemingly turning weightless. My vision fell away as my eyes rolled back and my knees gave out from beneath me. I had lost consciousness before I hit the floor.
I don't believe I was out for very long, despite my exhausted body embracing the cold slumber. A voice tugged on the edge of my hearing, gently guiding me towards wakefulness. I had been moved onto a slightly softer, more comfortable surface. I arduously craned my neck up to overlook my surroundings. I was lying on one of the padded benches next to the stationary tables. Crouching beneath it in order to sit close to me was a very familiar figure.
"Hey, Sunshine." Frankie Preston straightened up as far as he could without hitting his head. "Sorry I wasn't there to catch you when you fainted. Too bad. It could have been our movie-moment."
I smiled at him. Then I jolted upright, nearly kicking Frankie under the table as I planted my feet on the floor to train my eyes on Rhonda. She was leaning against the partition wall of the booth, typing away on her phone. "You," I uttered. "You and that other lady did some kind of… witchcraft-thing."
She glanced up briefly. "Oh. That was nothing, really. Forget about it."
Fran poked his head out from between my legs. "What's this about witchcraft?"
Rhonda shrugged. "Hailey and I just performed some basic spells to get rid of your little wife's stalker."
"Could you please not—nevermind that; what are you even talking about?" Fran's voice was dripping with bewilderment.
The older woman raised a brow at him. "Honey, we're… we're witches. You did know that, right?"
Silence.
"Right?" Rhonda repeated, once again not receiving a response.
"I don't think he did," I supplied helpfully.
"You're kidding me." Rhonda stared at the blonde with her mouth agape. "How could you not have known? You lived with us for almost two years!"
He still gave no answer.
"Honey, you saw everything! You saw my herbs…" Her voice faltered in disbelief. "And the ceremonial daggers… The charms around the doors!"
He shrugged.
"You played with Mae-Lynn's casting crystals for a whole afternoon? You were in the room when Paloma made her sacrifice for Loki's favor? You literally watched all six of us at our bonfire dance during the blood moon!"
"I thought that was just another crunchy mom thing."
"Crunchy mom thing?" she echoed, her chest rising at the affront. Jabbing a finger at my forehead, she added, "And how would you have accounted for that?"
"That little drawing? I thought Eva had gotten herself tattooed." Frankie glanced between Rhonda and me in confusion.
"It's a magic symbol, for crying out loud; it's a protection against forces messing with her perception!" the waitress explained in audible exasperation. "And who would get their forehead inked?"
"Eva might. You gotta admit she has peculiar fashion tastes," Frankie argued.
I couldn't help but chime in. "Why do people keep saying that?"
Rhonda threw her hands up in defeat.
I cleared my throat. "You're saying that all the ladies working here have supernatural abilities?"
"Like I just told you." She rubbed her temples with both hands. "And I'm sorry you fainted. It had to do with Hailey—her magic is great for defending against dark influences. The spell she cast was to scare off your attacker, but it seems to have affected you, too."
"I don't consider myself a dark influence."
"Well, you are an interdimensional being," Rhonda replied. "Not normally mankind's best friend. But I know you're a good kid. Don't worry."
"Thank you very much for helping me," I said softly, staring at my hands as I folded them in my lap. "I apologize for the inconvenience."
"It's cool."
"So, the six of you all together are probably really powerful?" I inquired, an idea faintly taking shape in my mind.
"You could say that," Rhonda answered, not without a hint of pride.
"Is there any way I could get your input on a problem I've been having?"
"I suppose," she said slowly. "We'll hear you out, sure, but that's about all the promises I'll make for now, okay?"
"Yes, perfect."
"Alright. I'll talk to the girls and we'll be in touch." She zipped up her jacket, shoving her phone into her pocket. "Goodnight, you two."
With that, she left us sitting in the empty diner. Frankie still looked rather puzzled. Shaking his head, he turned to give me a droll smile. "How embarrassing. I normally pride myself on being perceptive. People are strange though, aren't they?" He sat down beside me on the bench, shuffling closer. "You ran into trouble again? With the cultist?"
I didn't really want to relay the entirety of what I'd learned from Jewel to him—somehow, I didn't think Frankie would be opposed to someone bringing by the end of the world. It would be best to keep that particular piece of information stored away for a while longer. Instead, I asked a completely different, if not wholly unrelated question. "The other day, you told me about feeling destructive and grimy. Where is that coming from?"
"Sunshine, I know I've danced around this for long enough. I can tell you, but you look miserable right now. I'd much rather have you in better spirits first." He placed a tentative hand on my back. "Anything I can do to cheer you up?"
I started chewing on my lower lip, not meeting his gaze.
"You're thinking about kissing me again, aren't you?" Frankie asked, having apparently learned how to read minds.
"We don't have to. I do not care."
"That nearly crossed the line between accommodating and insulting. Look, I want to. You just caught me off guard the last time." He pulled a wet string from his chewing gum. I waited in silence for him to continue. "I'm honestly surprised you're still up to it. I know I'm a piece of shit."
"You're not—"
"I am. And what's more, you should know that kissing is as far as things are gonna get between us. I don't do the sex-thing. That's nothing to do with how much I like you or anything. I just don't do that." He had removed his gum from his mouth completely, instead fumbling around with it like play doh. "If that cancels out the whole liking-me-extravaganza, then it's best we cleared that up beforehand." He turned to face me. "What's that look for?"
I was beaming at him with more conviction that I had found the most perfect being than ever. "This works out beautifully," I told him.
"Are you sure? You're not just saying this?"
"If you don't take my word for it, I wouldn't know how else to prove it."
"I believe you! I'm glad, I really am, I'm just kinda stunned." He straightened up. "I want to kiss you even more now."
A quiet squeak came from somewhere in my throat. "I can hear my pulse," I remarked.
"Yeah, me too." He grinned, propping his chin in his palm. "Excited?"
"You know that." Feeling I had to share more, I added, "This is the first time for me. That doesn't change anything, does it?"
Fran's brows rose a great deal. "Huh."
"Is that bad?"
"No! But seriously, is this gonna be your first kiss?" He gestured at our surroundings. "A dingy little diner after hours? Not very romantic, is it?"
"That's fine," I assured him.
"Nope. We can do better." He got off the bench, drawing himself up to his full height (which wasn't very impressive either). "It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it should be nice. You're getting a good first kiss. I'll think of something. Don't worry, I won't go over the top."
I couldn't help but smile at that. Letting him pull me to my feet, I briefly went in for a hug. I nearly jumped when he turned his head and pressed his lips to my cheek. "That doesn't count." He held onto my hand as he let go. "So… how would you feel about hypothetically burning a building together?"
X
1
2: deadbeat roommate
3: creepy crush
4: relocation
5: beach concert
6: First date
7: Temp work
8: roommate talk
9: a dismal worldview
10: warehouse
11: staircase
12: explanation
13: hurt
14: hospital
15: ocean
16: diner
17: government work
18: something in the caves
19: shopping cart
20: olms and Jewels
21: long hair
22: recruitment

Species: Canine Age: 12 y/o Male, intact Japanese Spitz (I think w/ pomeranian mix) body weight: 7.60 kg History: no previous major health issue, was prescribed some supplements for kidney and liver health plus RC Urinary S/0 dog food.. ~ recent blood work shows normal levels fo CBC, Kidney and liver Clinical signs: (recurring) cheek swelling (plus some gum reddening) duration: recurring swelling that comes and goes every few weeks general location: Philippines, Southeast Asia
Pic of swollen right cheek (taken at its worst state and most obvious angle) https://postimg.cc/64vJSDhf
Kidney and liver test https://postimg.cc/hXD0vV79
So for full context, he had his first ever dental cleaning done 2022 after I noticed his gums looked inflamed and there was tartar buildup already. He had okay levels for his blood results so we were on-board to put him under anesthesia. 5 teeth were also extracted and thankfully, he recovered just a few hours after and everything was fine after. We took better care of his dental hygiene except the brushing part cause he really doesn't let anyone brush his teeth. So around 9 months later, we noticed a small, round shaped swelling on his right cheek. He doesn't mind it and we even thought it's because of his sagging skin or wrinkles maybe? It stayed the same for a few weeks so we didn't think much of it. Then one day on March this year, we noticed that it got bigger and so I took him to the vet. The vet took some blood work and his cbc came back normal. The vet did not seem to be much worried about the swelling and just prescribed some Himpyrin to alleviate it. We also decided to do another dental cleaning because the vet thought that some tartar buildup is what's causing it. So he went under anesthesia again, one loose tooth was extracted (altho it was on the left side and the swelling was actually on his right cheek). They did not do an xray (which is now my huge regret) and just reassured me that the swelling will probably be resolved after he completes his round of antibiotics and analgesics. Now the selling did indeed go down after a few days and we thought it was completely resolved already. But two weeks after the procedure his right cheek got swollen again. It happened just overnight. it was really swollen and not normal. I consulted the vet again and they told me that if the swelling was resolved right after the procedure then there must be another underlying issue that causes it. But, we also thought it might just be an allergic reaction because we had fed him some small amounts of chicken and pork - which we also suspect sometimes gives him allergies. So the vet prescribed Himpyrin again for a week to see if it subsides and asks me to return if it doesn't get better. So after a week, thankfully the swelling improved and so we thought things are gonna be fine. We changed the brand of his dog food - made sure we only fed him safe, hypoallergenic healthy foods, and didn't even give him hard treats or something hard to chew on just to make sure his gums are fully recovered before we give him anything hard. Everything was fine. Fast forward to a month later, May 28 it happened again. Overnight, and there's the swelling again on his right cheek. We took him to the vet (a different vet this time but at the same clinic) and was advised he really needed to have his xray taken to know the root cause. He also mentioned it might be a sinus issue but he was more confident there must be an underlying dental problem. His cbc came back okay but was prescribed with antibiotics, analgesics, plus supplements (before we do the procedure) because his WBC is almost showing some level of infection but not much. He was eating well but was quite low on energy. I also noticed some swollen lymph node on his left jaw? But disappeared immediately after taking some of the meds. His condition improved greatl after taking the meds (less swelling and back to normal energy levels). Now he's taking his meds and doing much better, and the swelling has significantly improved. He is scheduled tomorrow for the procedure. I'm guessing his xray will be taken first before taking the next steps to solve the issue.
Now my issues are: ~ This will be the third time he will go under anesthesia in a span of 12 months.. given his age I'm just worried if he'll still make it this time okay. He's still generally very healthy and active tho, just really having some issues on his mouth... he eats well drinks well and poops well. but I guess I don't really have a choice since it's the only way we can help him.. Plus the vet gave me the go-signal because his blood test for liver and kidney came back within the normal range.. (altho his BUN is almost close to the minimum required level) ~ What if his xray shows no issue on his mouth at all? What other possible diagnosis can it be? and what other tests can we do to determine the root cause of the issue? If it's indeed a sinus issue, what's the next step? Wouldn't the bloodwork already have shown if it's actually a sinus issue? ~ I'm just so stressed and worried between him getting under anesthesia again and locating the real issue of this recurring swelling 'cause I also don't want him to keep taking anti-inflammatory meds as a temporary solution...
Conclusion: I guess I'm just looking for some advice or stories from your previous experience similar to this... Can it be diet related? Any other form of allergies?
Any help would be greatly appreciated ❤️ So sorry for the looong post ✌️

I honestly don't know how to start this, I have too many things to say and very few words to express them. If you are reading this it is because I am dead, because I disappeared from your life or because I entrusted this to you, leaving it up to you whether to read it or not.
Many times, speaking of serious stuff, I told you not to feel obliged to read, that you could skip the conversation and that it was fine. Not this time, I ask you to read all of it, I ask that you only read it and not share what is in these letters. Although obviously you are within your rights to do so.
Of all the people in my life, you will probably be the one who will receive my longest death letter. I have too much to write to you. So I'm afraid this letter will end up being too short because it would mean that the biggest and my favorite connection I've ever made with another human being can be summed up in less than an hour of reading.
It seems strange to me to think that you could be reading this in a very distant future where we are no longer a part of each other's lives. One where you might even have forgotten who I am.
Well, getting to the point, in case you are somewhat like me in that maybe you are not convinced of something nice no matter how many people tell you, I want to make it clear to you. At the time I write this we have known each other for 7 years, and for 5 years I have considered you the best friendship I ever had in my life. I very much doubt that anything will change this and if in 10, 15 or more years I can continue seeing you often, talking about things that happened to us and laughing about a show we like, it would make me very happy.

 Friendship 

When I met you, you didn't really stand out to me much, I don't think I would have ever imagined how much our relationship could develop. You were just one of the group of those who got into technical school late. I remember that with T we called you rocket girl because your hair was green like a Tristana skin :p.
Over time you formed a group with T and Tr while I wandered around the classroom looking for a place where I could sit. I was never afraid to join your group, even if they said you were toxic and whatnot. You never gave me that impression.
I think it was the first time in my life that I felt so accepted by those I decided to call friends. You, more than anything, I can't describe the sense of the peace that you made me feel after those years where, one after the other, those who were my so-called friends ended up making me hate myself. I really liked being your friend and I would repeat the experience as many times as possible. I enjoyed every moment you let me come over to your house for lunch, growing up sitting together on a school desk day after day. It makes me feel happy to know that during all those years we spent talking about anything that could entertain us or about some hypothetical moral conflict, you saw me as a true friend. I always had that voice in my head that repeated to me that, deep down, you didn't like me or you'd just get tired of me.
I'm glad I can look back and know now how much you trusted me, always opening up and letting me paint my words, advice, comfort and affection in your mind. I smile every time I remember the difference of how I felt being your friend to what I lived since elementary school.
Words are not enough to express how much I appreciate you and how much I treasure all the mornings, afternoons and nights that we've spent together laughing, complaining, talking, studying, growing, living.
I was thinking of giving you this for your birthday, but I think it would be too much. Despite how long we've known each other and how close we ended up being, I don't remember ever giving you a gift. If I tell you the truth, sometimes I feel like it's because I don't think I can give you something you deserve, something that can make you happy for at least a few minutes, and it scares me to think that you might end up hating something that I give you.
You are an important part in most of my best memories. Playing and talking on the patio of your house, caressing Dana or laughing with your brothers. Walking through the corridors of the school and using recess to take advantage of the tranquility of the library. The conversations that could last for hours, at your house or mine, sitting in class or on the way out, by call or message. Sometimes I miss that feeling when I saw you arrive and decided to sit with me, because it meant that you enjoyed spending time with me, in the same way that I enjoyed spending time with you.
"Thank you for putting up with me" you wrote in a note that you left in my letter for the future from fourth year, as if it were something difficult, as if your presence was not something nice that made my days happy. I should thank you for everything. Thank YOU for putting up with ME, for being my friend, for paying attention to the bullshit I say and for letting it occupy so much of your life. Thanks A.
🐞Para A🐞 If you're reading this shortly after I wrote it, I guess you already noticed, but I haven't stopped liking you for a day since the end of third year. You are the person I liked the most, although you already know that.
It's wrong that I feel like this, I really feel that there is something wrong for me to continue thinking like this after knowing that my feelings lead to nothing. I wish I could try to stop liking you by force, but after knowing that you used to like me and after kissing you, I see it as impossible. Twice I tried and failed.
When the pandemic began I assumed that when we returned to regularity I would not feel the same, and I assumed wrong. When seventh year began, I felt guilty for not having been able to "get over you" and I was afraid that I would make you uncomfortable or that you would find out and think that I didn't value you just as my friend.
When you got with J I thought that might be it, but no. And I blamed myself for feeling that way about you when you were in a relationship.
It's stupid and pathetic, but having had to spend every day next to you two hurt me. I never hated your relationship, but out of my selfishness I distanced myself from the group. I tried everything to distract myself and accept that I would never be able to be with you.
2022 When I started uni I thought that maybe I would meet someone who would make me forget how I felt. For a while I tried to convince myself that I liked Dia. It was logical, right? If we got along so well and I saw her daily. I love her a lot, but I didn't get to see her like this. There was a time in my life where I questioned if I really liked women or the idea of ​​romance with a person just because I had no interest in anyone other than you. But that wasn't right, was it? If you were someone I was going to like for a while, a few months at the most. Sometimes I think that everything would be easier if I'd never had these emotions tied to your existence.
Around September we started talking again like before, and we hung out often and I hated not being able to just be your friend, wanting something more. I felt that I was betraying you, and I couldn't try to "get away and stop talking to you" because I didn't want to, I don't want to and I won't ever want that. I don't like to think of a future where the years go by and you are no longer part of my life.
When you told me that you still remembered when I told you that I liked you, I felt like I was going to die until you said that you remembered it as something nice. I imagined many reactions to that, but never that one. I used to feel guilty for a while. I really believed that since that day I had started to bother you every time we hugged or when we hung out. I was glad to know that all along it was all in my head and that you were not disgusted or annoyed by it.
The day you told me you used to like me I had to stop everything I was doing and sit down. I started to look at some trees and I was on the verge of crying. You had filled my head with so many thoughts at the same time that they seemed to form a kind of white noise that pretended to be silence for the minutes that I was immobile.
Once I calmed down, I was able to allow myself to feel and think about different things, but if I didn't feel something, it was hope, because you were with J and I knew it was a very nice relationship and you loved each other. I think if I had felt that way I would have completely hated myself.
I spent entire days insulting myself in my head "I'm an idiot", "how come I didn't realize it?", "why the hell did I reject a kiss from you?! If all that time it was what I wanted the most". I think I had gotten so used to not having experience in loving and being loved in this way that I had resigned myself to being like this for the rest of my life. You yourself repeated to me several times that I lacked love and yoeyweren't wrong haha, I just wish you were the one who could give it to me. I have blinded myself my entire life in a cloak of hate, convincing myself that I am unworthy of love, that there is no way anyone would like me or see me as cute or be attracted to me. Because I'm obviously boring, I have no personality, my voice is ugly, my face and body are disgusting, and so on. By closing my eyes all my life I lost the opportunity to have the most beautiful thing that could have happened to me. I wish I hadn't blinded myself.
And your messages did nothing more than open my eyes.
"I wonder why I liked you then if you're just funny, kind, understanding, attentive and sweet"
I would never have described myself like that, for as long as I can remember I haven't had a good image of myself. Seeing that from your eyes, I was that, made me very happy. Knowing not only that someone could see me that way but also that that someone was you, that made it more special for me.
"I wish I could have been with you to erase those thoughts with kisses"
I read the latter in a notification while in class. I couldn't concentrate and I think if someone had seen me I would have been red faced. I think those weeks I used the library more to read your messages over and over again than to study.
The point is that your messages erased many of my negative thoughts. With two days of your kisses and almost a month of your affection, you have erased a lot. If I could have been with you, I know that I would be the happiest person in the world.
Diciembre 2022
I got really confused in December. When you broke up with J at no time did I feel hopeful or anything like that. On the contrary, I didn't understand how you had come to that solution after everything I'd told you. You had just gotten out of a year-long relationship and obviously you were going to be damaged and confused. I didn't want to "take advantage" of you, so I just lived day to day with doubts.
At one point I tried to calm you down while you said that no one else was ever going to love you. My throat burned wanting to tell you "what about me?", "I want to love you" but the idea was to help you and not think about myself.
Maybe if I had made more selfish decisions I would be where I want to be with you, but I don't know if I would be happy with how I got there.
I remember that years ago I stayed to sleep at your house, before going to the attractions park, and you woke me up seeing me with such a slight but genuine smile. That day I wasn't sure what I had felt and I wasn't going to be able to understand it until recently.
We hung out more often in December, sleeping together, separated by a pillow, until one day I fell asleep while we were watching Howl. I woke up early while you were still asleep and saw your face glued to mine. Half asleep, I didn't even think about it, but I knew what I wanted the most at that moment, and I hugged you before going back to sleep almost instantly. That's when I felt again what I felt a few years ago, the happiness of seeing your face when waking up. And then you woke me up by pulling me closer, hugging me and using my chest as a pillow. You made me feel wanted.
Being able to sleep holding you felt like something that was missing from my life but I had no way of knowing what it was until then. The warm breeze of your breath on my face or chest, your arms squeezing my body and our embraced legs, the little jumps you hit in your sleep from time to time and the smell of your hair. It feels weird to describe it, it might even make you a little disgusted, but it was something that made it feel like I had rested for twelve hours even though we slept for one.
The day of the World Cup final I left your house after celebrating and you told me what you told me, and we talked about it the next day in the park. I was paralyzed.
Despite the times that I repeated the same thoughts in my head, I couldn't convince myself that surely that only happened because you missed him, that it was childish to get excited and think that you felt that way just because it was me. I guess I was a little stupid, but I was tired of living up to this miserable point in my life, never even having kissed anyone. And having the opportunity to be the person with whom I most wanted to experience everything for the first time (and if life went my way, the last) filled me with joy.
Noche buena
On the 23rd I went to your house having discussed what we had discussed, knowing that I could tell you that I wanted to kiss you, that what I wanted most since fourth year was to kiss you and only you. And... You beat me to it hahaha. You asked me if I would mind if you kissed me, in my mind I laughed knowing that I wouldn't mind at all. That I would like a kiss from you every day until I die. Accepting felt like making up for my mistake of turning you down in fifth year.
The following afternoon what happened happened and I don't know how to describe it, I felt somewhat privileged. I remember once telling you, when you were criticizing your legs and your body, that "I only saw 70% of your body, but I'm sure it's very pretty", and obviously it's okay that you have insecurities but for two days I was able to see you almost completely. and I realized that all the little things that gave you insecurity were beautiful. I don't understand how you hate things that I loved from the very moment I saw.
I think you are a beautiful being, in every millimeter of you, in every gram of your soul and in every second that I shared with you. And you may be beautiful but I don't like you just for that nor did I start to like you just because of how you look. There is something in you and I don't know what it is, but when we talk I want to keep talking to you more and more. Your voice is very beautiful; your expressions and your way of speaking; your laughter. God your laugh, the happiness it gives me to see you and hear you laugh is incredible. I know it doesn't make sense, but sometimes I feel like I love everything about you. I love your humor and the natural way we talk to each other, how affectionate you are, the way you balance between being someone calm and releasing a lot of energy that you had accumulated. I love your tastes in what you decide to see or read, because, although they do not always coincide with mine, they make you someone who interests me a lot. All without mentioning the little things that make you you, like your habits with food, how you spend your time, the difference between the music we listen to. I love when you react with a sticker or you're speechless to something nice that escaped my mouth and I ended up telling you. I love how candid you are about how you see the world and how you convey it. The tone of your voice and the noises you make when explaining something. How you close your eyes a little when I annoy you jokingly and your sarcasm when you annoy me. Sometimes a while goes by that we don't see each other or talk and when I hear your voice again it's as if I had forgotten it and fell in love with it again.
I don't have many photos of you, at most a couple of the ones you sent me and most of them don't show your face. But I treasure them because I can see even if it's your hair for a while and remember when I could caress it while you lay on my chest. When I see you again in person I am surprised again by how beautiful you are. By your smile and your way of being.
If there is something I want more than anything in the world, it is to be able to be yours, to be able to spend my life day by day knowing that I can kiss you and that I can admire you carefully without shame until you realize it. Knowing that you love me and that I love you, being able to sleep in each other's arms and being able to say with a smile that we are a couple. But I can not. And it would be so easy to cut you out of my life to stop feeling that way, get myself a new set of friends, and like someone I don't feel that way about. But I love being your friend, and I can't bear the thought of losing the greatest friendship of my life just to forget that I liked you for so long. If I disappeared from your life... What would you do? Or rather, what would you feel? If you knew that I exist and that I'm still alive where I always was, but we didn't talk or see each other anymore, what would you think of me? I just hope you understand that if I do something like this it's because I can't stand being in love with you anymore without having any conclusion.
It hurts so much to know that you don't feel the same way I feel about you. If you read this while I'm still alive, it may make you uncomfortable from now on, as well as you may not feel anything reading all this, which would be worse. I think that if something would destroy me it would be to be invisible to you, that these nights writing with tears in my eyes are just a piece of paper that doesn't cause you the slightest feeling.
When you told me you were back together with J I cried for the first time in a long time. And it wasn't enough because I continued like this without sleeping for several nights on the coast. I feel a little bad about that, it's not right to feel bad because two people make up and love each other. Since we're never going to be together, all I have to do is focus on stopping feeling that way about you.
It must be very strange for you to read all of this and I apologize, especially if it's a few years in the future. I just wanted to make sure you really know how I felt, to die with no regrets. Although if I had one left, it would be dying without being able to be with you.
If the day comes when we don't talk to each other anymore and the days go by and you forget my existence, or I'm no longer alive, I want you to know that almost since I met you you were my favorite person. Just seeing you made my days happy, hearing you talk, laugh or send me a video or photo about anything you do, gave me life. You never bothered me, I never hated you or got tired of you. Every memory that I have by your side I keep as a treasure and I hate the idea of ​​losing your presence in my life. If when I am old I suffer from dementia I pray so that the last thing I forget is you. If I'm grateful for anything in this life, it's for having met you.
I saw someone say that we should choose those who choose us, and I started to wonder if you would choose me. If you could only spend time with someone again and never see anyone in the world again would you choose me? I assume not, and I accept that. But I know that I wouldn't hesitate for a second to choose you, I would spend every second of my life with you. If my vision is taken away and I could only see one thing, I would choose you. If I found out that I only have one day to live, I would spend it with you, and when I close my eyes for the last time, when I take my last breath, if only I were by your side, I would die in peace.
Dia says that I don't like you, that I'm in love. At first it made me laugh because it sounds so stupid and sweet but I don't know, every day that passes I feel like it's the best I have to describe it. Sometimes I think that I have no right to have these immature feelings. But I guess it's normal not to be able to let you go if at nineteen I experienced for the first time what a normal person does at fourteen. Someone not so pathetic and desperate for love, your love, like me. Someone who at this stage of my life has already learned that you have to let go of those who can't love you. But I don't want to stop loving you, in my grave I'll keep thinking about you.
You once told me that the only person whose absence you wouldn't get used to if they left your life was me. I don't know why you thought I deserved to hear something so nice. And before reading that message I never wanted so much to repeat your own words to you.
It was recently the first time that I was able to tell you that I love you, and you me. It was only by text when you said hello to me on my birthday, but no matter the context I appreciate it for the power I give to that word. I feel that even though we have said the same thing, they did not have the same weight behind them. I know you never loved me nor will you love me the way I wanted to, but really, thank you very much for loving me all these years. Since I met you, you filled my days with a warm light that could turn a bad day into one of the best.
I find it curious that at this point in my life I consider you my best friend, the person closest to me and one of the most important people for my existence, you are almost like a pillar in my life. And yet, as much as I know about you, from time to time I feel like a stranger, as if I have only scratched the surface of who you are. And that only makes me want to meet you and discover you completely day by day, having spent 60 years with you and still being able to discover a crumb of your being, but smile every time I get to know you more.
Someday I wish I could be in the position and time to ask you if you still want to know what would have happened if we hadn't been so clumsy and ended up together, because there isn't a single day where I don't want to know.
It's so hard for me to accept that surely you'll never want to be with me again. That you don't see me the same way anymore, because it would mean that you never came to want me the same way that I want you. It's been more than five years since you entered my head and never left it, my heart flutters with shame or emotion just thinking about you.
Thanks for everything. Thank you for being my friend, for putting up with me, for not being disgusted by me and hugging me and telling me you loved me. Thank you for making me realize that beautiful things can happen to me, like being able to spend time with you, hugging and kissing you, being able to witness and share your existence.
It's weird because it feels unfair to think that I can go into a relationship knowing that I can only imagine myself wanting to be with you. That's why unconsciously I think I'm not looking for one, and I'm waiting for you. As much as it hurts me, I wait for you and I could wait for you for months, years, decades and I would still think of you. Because you are the person I want to hear laugh every day, you are the person with whom I want to share both our joy and our pain. I want you to be part of my soul and leave a mark of mine in yours. I want you to be happy and part of growing up is accepting that it doesn't have to be me and that I should be glad you find that in someone else but please God why can't it be me? I don't know if I'll be enough or if I'll be what you're looking for, but I'd love to try to be.
How many times have I told you that I really liked Hime's playlist. It's because most of the songs are about love and although I don't know what that feels like, they all reminded me of you. Every time someone talked about couples or something similar I could only imagine you.
You showed me a song, "amigo triste", which according to you reminded you of me. God knows how long I had it on loop because it was one of the few things I had to give me an idea of ​​who I am from your eyes.
I imagine that with time I'm going to mature and I'm going to truly accept that I can't want you if it doesn't lead to anything. But I would like you to know that in another life you are the best thing that happened to me. In another life, I would be more than happy just knowing that at the end of the day I can spend my time with you, that I live my life with you in its most mundane parts and in its most interesting parts.
In the meantime, I hope you are as happy as possible in this life. And if you don't mind… I love you

Here is the scenario:
I had a permanent crown procedure on my molar (very back, top right, my right) about 8 months ago. Since then, I've been periodically revisiting the dentist with whom I had the crown done and have had my bite adjusted 6 or seven times in total. He told me this was highly irregular. To this day I still feel discomfort when I chew on that side of my mouth and have not fully recovered, there is a lingering tenderness when I bite down on that tooth, and the sensation vanishes upon release. I gave it a lot of time between adjustments too, about 4 - 5 months in between two adjustments at one point, but the tenderness level plateaued and never fully went away. I'm relatively certain of the cause, the crown is still too high and when I compare the molar with the crown to the corresponding one on the other side, the groove in the tooth simply isn't deep enough. I can precisely feel the difference in abrasion from when I tap my teeth together on one side to the other. They did an x-ray of my molar about two weeks ago, and luckily there was nothing indicating decay or need for a root canal.
Having said that, when my dentist stuck the blue paper in my mouth (which he has countless times at this point), there hardly is any evidence of occlusion on the crowned tooth at all. I think this must be a fluke. I really want to try another dentist to see if they can properly address the situation, because I get the feeling that my current one is very unwilling to continue adjusting my bite, as he seems to be impatiently downplaying my issue and constantly questions why I keep coming back. I've only just recently started seeing this dentist as well. I think I'd be okay seeing him for general cleanings and checkups, he is the most convenient dentist for me location-wise and seems pretty reputable all things considered, but for this situation specifically I really want to make an appointment with another professional. Please advise!

If inclined, consider the idea of dunking one’s head face first into a bowl of ice water. One might observer how the body attempts to rectify the situation and the balance in you that comes after controlling the situation, always breathe first in through your nose, out through mouth.
For me, nitrous was a part of my life but it is no more. In nitrous I explored what it meant to asphyxiate, what it feels like to die, what it meant to become less and more unconscious, or how my body was ready to deal with the array of self destructive investigations that day.
In those times when my consciousness went out, only to be clicked back on as the air from my environment (and not the turkey bag with a mouth piece full of nitrous) slowly regained control over the abyss. When the light came back on and in times since under many circumstances, I visualized my child brain which never got to develop right (due to a bitch complication I had breathing difficulties and came out blue subsequently spent weeks in the hospital). In those moments when I come back to awake, it reset the base level circuitry where all connections converge. Forming new connections that I associate with positive and blessing, associations in part thanks to realizations from the dmt plant medicine, a therapist, a caring family, an awesome and supportive spouse, friends, and ketamine.
Since then I realized nitrous scratched an itch in me that I never understood. But as I dug deeper I discovered my subconscious deepest traumas, but it didn’t have to be like that for me if I could’ve found the right information.
Few lessons besides the obviously: Don’t use the compressed oxygen, can lead to permanent damage in the air sacs of your lungs. Once ok but do not incorporate into a habit of “getting higher this time” and it being a needed step.
Stop using alcohol mouthwash, kills good bacteria that make nitric oxide (not nitrous) from nitrites in beets (beet root powder gets the blood flowing btw)
Remember that your body really only knows what the pressure and quantity of cO2 is. The key is really all about partial pressure which isn’t well understood. Your body gets confused before it suddenly becomes aware we aren’t breathing as rapidly as it projected, and if the projection was lazy your breathing rhythm can get super out of whack! Blowing through a straw down into a cup of water is a cheap way to retrain your parasympathetic nervous system so as not to reinforce this new condition as a habit which is enforced with less resistance, (assuming one is inclined to be mixing nitrous with hallucinogenic substances that appear to increase neuro plasticity and perhaps play a role in neuro genesis) given the nitrous ability to release dopamine which is the neural pathway trainer.
Posture matters, be symmetrical, pitch your shoulders inflate your tummy.
Breathing nitrous through your mouth is one of the metabolically expensive parts related to abuse, because of the complex interactions of nitric oxide in your nasal cavalry (among over blood pressure and flow issues caused directly by the effects of the drug)
If you’re not just interesting in turning consciousness down, but simply the bounds of your consciousness, nitrous and dmt in my opinion are on opposite sides of the spectrum.
TLDR: when you’re done abusing nitrous (for the night or for life) simulate the experience you just induced by dunking your head under cold ice water, only rule is first breathe in should be in through the nose. This will help reset your nervous system and breathing, if you mouth breath during the night (wake up with dry mouth) tape your mouth shut for 1-7 days with micro pore tape to train your body.

I just said goodnbye to my kids. The meds are kicking in.. I've been begging for help, and today being the worst day of my life I'm now completely destroyed. How can nobody see I couldn't take anymore. Why doesn't he see how much I care. I love him so much and never meant to be who he says I am. And if that's the case I'm not going on. I'm not fighting anymore. I want to call 911 on one hand but on the other I'm assuming I didn't take enough and I don't want to cause a fuss over nothing and it will be used against me in all certainty. I'll be called selfish and the worst mama in the world. And that's exactly what I feel like, I can't make any of them happy so I'm done trying its killing me. I hope I took enough. I don't have enough courage to cut my wrist, or put a gun in my mouth. But a couple of handfuls of different pills it's just down the hatch. I hopey family can find happiness after I'm gone. I won't be holding anyone back or being an inconvenience to them. Bye.

I recently came across a post about an expat who participated in a night wedding. After reading the accounts I began to do research on my own. Not because I believe in any of that stuff. I'm a magician after all. Illusion is my bread and butter. And I can detect trickery better than most. Which in my line of work has its benefits. But old traditions are the best places to pick up new techniques. Old ways that are new to others that delight and even scare people. Because, if I can make them afraid. Make them look away. For even a second. I can pull off some astounding magic.
My gig at the cruise line was coming to an end as we neared the port of Shanghai. And for my last several shows, where I'd normally start to include my greatest tricks in order to leave a lasting impression. I developed a new act that I called "The Sneaky Bride", it involved a mannequin in a wedding dress, a beautiful train, veil, flowers on the ground - the whole nine yards some would say. The trick was that the bride would sneak bites as my assistants who are dressed as servers pass by with their trays.
I begin the trick by placing a mannequin center stage for all to see so that they know it's a dummy. I show them there are no holes, and the entire thing is solid. Then we dress it up and set the stage for a wedding. And with a bit of lighting, another assistant switches places with the mannequin and is being fed under the veil. We later changed it to more slight of hand techniques as the assistant complained she wasn't able to chew fast enough as the items of course have to get larger and larger for comedic effect as the guests were wowed by the disappearing act as the fake wedding progressed.
At the end we even invited the unmarried men up to the stage and then threw out a fake bouquet, and watched them clamber over each other in good fun to catch it. The act was an instant hit and had the crowd roaring every night. Which was why I decided to take a firsthand look at the original, and see if there were any other staging techniques I could learn from this old tradition.
With some help from Bing and its ChatGPT features I was able to get a relatively good idea of where it was practiced. So I booked the next flight out to begin my quest for a real night wedding.
Upon arrival at my hotel, I asked the concierge for information about the local practice.
"Yes. I know of this one. We practice it often for children who were taken too early."
"But they are all scams?"
The concierge smiled, "In most cases the pouches mean no harm, and they're simply for families who want to provide peace for themselves and to complete a lasting tradition. Sometimes the dowries are quite lucrative as well, and it is the families who are scammed by those who go and collect these ghost wives as concubines. We call it a blue procession for the trail of ghosts the husband leaves behind wherever he goes." He leans in, "But between you and me? They're mostly all scams."
I laughed, and I can't stress this next part enough, tip your concierge! Which I did. "Thank you, and also. Do you know where I could get a good start on finding more information about these ghost dowries? Or even find one of these pouches myself?"
"The temple down this first street to the left, about half a kilometer, would be a good place to start. But finding a pouch is a bit more difficult as they pop up sporadically. However, if traditions are to be believed it is the pouch who chooses the spouse."
I thanked him again and began to make my way through the early morning rush toward the temple. The streets were lined with open markets full of food from local farmers, which were common in the morning in this part of the world. They would disappear before the afternoon and then return again to sell wares at night when it was cooler. It made the city feel as if it were breathing as the locals rose and ebbed outside with day and night.
On my way, I searched the ground and around alleys for loose pouches. But I had no such luck by the time I arrived at the temple. Large red pillars that were thicker than any tree I've personally had the pleasure of meeting held up the high ceiling. Inside, the locals were already starting to disperse as the work hours were amongst us. Which left me nearly alone in this temple at about 8:00 in the morning.
A monk or priest was kneeling on a mat in front of a wooden shrine, throwing pieces of wood in the shape of dumplings on the floor. I waited patiently for him to finish. Taking in the sights and the delicate features of the temple. When he rose I approached him.
"You don't speak English by any chance do you?"
He smiled.
"What about the middle tongue?" I asked in Mandarin.
"Oh," he seemed surprised. "Yes. How may I be of assistance?"
"What were you doing just now?"
He held out his hand and showed me two red wooden pieces that were, with closer inspection, in the shape of moons. "Jiaobei," he told me. "We use these to seek divine guidance."
"How does it work?"
The monk shows me the two sides, one was smooth and flat, the other side rounded. "You ask a question and then throw it on the ground. One block flat and one block round, means yes. Both blocks showing round means no. Or depending on the question. Anger from the Gods. Or crying in sadness as it is commonly known. And finally, both blocks showing flat means laughter. Which could mean a number of things." He hands them to me, "You throw it three times to get a better answer."
"I'm guessing if it's the same all three times, the answer is definitive?"
The monk nodded.
"Will I..."
"Ah ah ah, in silence."
I didn't want my first question to be too convoluted or difficult. So I kept it simple and asked if I was a good magician. Then I threw the Jiaobei on the floor. It clattered and rolled on its rounded back, showing two flat sides.
The monk smiled.
"That usually happens the first time anyone tries Jiaobei. But in my experience, it generally means you asked a pure question."
"What happens if I didn't ask a pure question and it came back as angry?"
"The gods will remember it. They will remember you."
"No bad first impression then huh," I whispered under my breath. "Okay. Do I need to throw it two more times or can I ask a different question?"
"You may ask a different question or throw it twice more."
"What is my name?" I threw it on the floor. And to my surprise, as the ends are pointed and difficult to balance, one of the damn things stood tall and erect.
The monk bowed to the pieces. "Truly you have been picked by the gods to be answered. Lijiao or a standing answer like this is uncommonly rare. The gods generally choose to laugh at a nonsensical question. And often get angry if you throw it two more times. And rarely do they ever answer ones asked aloud."
I bent forward, skeptical, though a temple this was, at how the thing worked. In my head I could only think that the switchboard guy was quick on his feet. But looking around I couldn't find any cameras. Though in this day an age, they're made smaller than a fly. So it was difficult to tell. I picked up the pieces, feeling for any sense of magnetism, but there were none.
I asked one last question before I left that day. I asked their gods, would I find the real deal? And I threw it on the ground three times. All three times it came up yes. But for two months I scoured the city, and the country side. And I did chance upon several pouches. Some were obviously scams as I watched each bag carefully before approaching. Especially noticeable are the ones in the city which would be laying on the sidewalk, filled with bills for people passing by. But I observed that if a local went to go pick it up, two or three men from around the corner would come and threaten him to put it back. But if a foreigner picked it up, an old man or woman would come and start calling them son before leading them away.
There were of course others that were genuinely following tradition. I chanced upon several of them and was married several times. But each one was playful almost. And performed by their parents in the day. Leaving me with several small bags of pocket change, a good dinner, as I went on my way.
During one of these fake night weddings I even saw a child playfully munching on a corn cob in the corner under one of the tables as I fed the effigy they constructed of my fake bride. Which was when I think I decided to call it quits. Believing that I'd never find the real deal. Although I did learn a lot as tradition can be translated by me into performance. Which helped me ground 'The Sneaky Bride' act further. All in all, this was time well spent.
My visa was coming to an end and I had mostly been enjoying the sights, the city, and their way of life. When on one the last day, as I was leaving from a faraway eatery that the concierge had recommended, that I saw a red pouch made of silk with a thick yarn around its throat, stuffed full of money. I looked around and didn't see a single person there, nothing except flat farmland and water gullies for miles.
Odd, I thought to myself, as it looked truly abandoned.
For a second I played with the idea of picking it up. Wondering if somehow a relative of the deceased would pop up magically next to me and I could change the world of magic by studying their technique. But I didn't want to spend my few hours chasing ghosts. I wanted to enjoy my time. So I kept walking.
I got back to the city and spent the remainder of my day eating and drinking, meeting new friends at the bar, newfound lads who I invited a hundred times to visit me in Melbourne one day. Who all agreed that if fate ever brought us back together we would drink until the sun rose. So yeah, I was fairly drunk when I got back to my hotel room, and didn't believe what I saw when I opened the door. It was a red pouch sitting on my coffee table.
"Someone's trying to play a trick on me," I mused. "They must have heard me talking at the bar." I circled the table studying the pouch. Any magician worth his smoke, likes a good bag. So there was no doubt to me that this was the same one I saw earlier. Which made me start putting two and two together. "It must be the concierge. He's the one who sent me out that far." I laughed and picked up the bag, even though I knew the rules. I opened it and thumbed through the bills. "It's much more than what I tipped him. Much more." Curious, I wondered what he would have done if I didn't return this to him. It must have been quite a few months worth of wages. I threw the bag up in the air and caught it as if I were juggling before I tossed it on my nightstand. "I'm going to let him sweat for a little bit and pretend I didn't find it tomorrow as I check out," I mused as I went to go take a shower.
I opened the door and felt the words stick to the roof of my mouth as the bag appeared on the counter next to the sink. I shot a glance back to the nightstand and indeed the bag I had just thrown on there was missing.
"This is a good fucking trick. That, or I'm drunker than I thought." I started questioning did I somehow fall asleep beforehand? Or walked into the bathroom and put it there as I mused my little scheme of making the concierge nervous at the lost pouch? Had I somehow in my drunken state done something without realizing it? No. That couldn't be it. I touched my chest to check my heart rate and put my fingers on my face. A bit flushed, but heart rate adequate. I was fine for the most part. Just drunk.
I looked at the pouch on the counter, and peered gingerly into the bathroom as if I've never stepped foot in one, before deciding to grab the bag and close the door. "Okay," I said loudly. "Whoever's doing this. Come on out." Of course no one appeared, not that I expected them to because the credo I lived by is that a good magician never reveals his trick.
"Okay, let's see how good you guys really are," I mused. Going over to my closet and placed the pouch on the shelf. Closing the door. Then I went back to the bathroom and opened the door. It was empty. I checked the nightstand drawer, mpty. I looked all over, and it was still mty. I breathed a sigh and went over to the closet door, "I guess you're just a bag after all." Except when I looked inside. MT. I couldn't find the bag behind any other nook or cranny. I know, I checked them all. And they were all .
I stumbled backwards and looked around, glancing at the ceiling corners in case someone had crawled up there. And even looked under the bed. But there was no one else here. I felt my chest tighten as I tried to make sense of what was happening. "Its got to be the walls I reasoned." And so for the next half hour I scoured the entire room with my hands, pushing, pressing, pulling anywhere and everywhere I could. Using all my years of experience to figure out what was going on. But there was nothing.
I couldn't stay in that room another minute so I rushed outside and nearly stepped on it! The bag! It was right at the foot of my doorstep.
My mind tried to wrap around how that was possible, "It's got to be a dupe. They've got more than one bag. I've been had, that has to be it. And the furniture inside, they have secret compartments. God, they really put a lot of effort into this," I laughed. "I have to know how this trick is done." So I opened the pouch and pulled out the note inside.
The notes generally contained their name, their current would-be age (she was 20 this year, older than most), what time they were born (8:07), a picture if they had one (she did), and how old they when they died (5). If the deceased were a bit older, perhaps a tidbit from their family is included about their personality. But most importantly, it always contained their address.
I looked at my watch, it was late and my flight was in the morning but perhaps I could still make it. So I gathered the rest of my things, my luggage, the mannequin for my act, and other bag of tricks in case I needed to go to the airport right after. "Come on," I yelled out loud to my pranksters. "Let's go see what other tricks you have up your sleeve."
I went down to the lobby and had the front desk call me a cab. I looked around for the concierge but he was nowhere to be found. So I left a note for him. And then left.
The cab drove until the city faded away. We were practically on the other side of the island by the time its tires skipped to a stop. I got out and knocked on the giant half circle doors of the address. I noticed that we were deep in the countryside. There were hardly any lights dotting the night.
I knocked several more times before I heard shuffling behind the door. And then it opened. An old man stood in front of me in his drawers.
"What do you want," he asked angrily. "Do you know what time it is?"
"I'm sorry for disturbing you at such a late hour. But," I pulled out the pouch. And his eyes widened up.
"Meju-eh. You're back." He looked at me up and down. "What are you supposed to be," he asked but then shook his head. "No, no. Come in. Come in, please."
"I don't have much time," I told him. "I have to leave in the morning."
"Sit, sit." He ushered me to a chair in the courtyard.
I placed the bag on the table next to it, "I have a flight in the morning, so if we're going to do this. We have to do it now."
Instead of fighting me, he nodded, "Yes. I agree. I don't have much time either. And Meju-eh is older than most ghost brides. The bull demon might not let her through his gets if she gets any older. And then she'll be a husbandless spinster for eternity." He ushered around, "We don't have many living relatives either. So it shouldn't be too troublesome to hurry this along." He called into the house and a young woman came out, "This is my granddaughter. Ah-ahn. Meju-eh's older sister. They were close as children."
Ah-ahn was quite beautiful. I almost couldn't take my eyes off of her.
"Go and start preparations and rouse anyone you can get a hold of. We must have the wedding tonight. Even if it isn't grand as I would like."
"Will we make it in time," I asked. "It's a lot of work for one person. Perhaps I could help?"
The old man nodded, "That's a good idea. But forgive me, I must retire for now. Or else have no energy for the wedding." He turned to his granddaughter, "Fetch me when the preparations are ready." As he left us alone in the courtyard.
"What can I do," I asked her.
"We're going to need flowers for decoration."
I pulled a rose out from behind her ear, "I happen to have a case of these on hand at all times." I put the flower in her hair.
She smiled, "Thank you."
"What else?"
"Um, we already have tables for family gatherings. There should be enough food in the freezers that we can just heat up. I need to call my aunt to come help. And wake up some of the kids. Also...we kind of need a statue of some sort, as a stand-in for my sister."
"Statue? I think I have just the thing."
Hours went by and it was the dead of the night, but watching all the people bustling around the courtyard, the kids in excited whispers, you'd never guess that all of us should have been sleeping. Soon the tables were set, the food was hot, even the decorations were strung, and I had procured my mannequin from my luggage and a few of the menfolk were putting it together inside the main living room.
Several times I found myself laughing and having a good time with the others, although chasing that hen made me look quite ridiculous, and several times I bumped into Ah-ahn and we would talk and exchange a few words. In the beginning she talked mostly about her sister. How she was troublesome as a child. Always hiding things. I told her about the pouch appearing and disappearing in my hotel. And we both had a good laugh. Eventually we talked about ourselves. I learned she wanted to get away from here, "To see the world," she told me. The more we talked the closer we got. I could feel it. Soon we were bumping into each other just to feel our bodies touch. But before anything else transpired the wedding preparations were complete.
The old man was retrieved from his bedroom and everyone gathered outside in the courtyard, looking into the main living room. There was a wooden shrine in the back of the room and the mannequin had been traditionally dressed. From an old box the grandfather retrieved several personal items that belonged to Meju. And I was then asked to enter the living room.
The grandfather said a few words, and then gave us his blessing. Ah-ahn handed me a bowl of sticky rice ball soup. I had been through this process before and knew what to do. I ate one of the pink balls and then went to go feed my new bride.
Now I've traveled with this mannequin for some time. Seen it at a dozen of my own shows. Slept with it in the room. Knew that it was in fact a dummy for all intents and purposes. However, as I started moving my spoon toward it. I swear I saw it's chest rise as if it were breathing.
I couldn't tell if it was from the alcohol ebbing away from earlier or a trick of the light. But even its shoulders looked softer than usual. My hand started shaking as it got closer to her mouth. It was like watching an out of body experience as the spoon inched under her veil. And then the CRUNCH. It scared the fucking shit out of me. I looked around hoping to see some kid in the corner playing a dumb joke. But there were none. And I didn't believe what I was seeing even as the veil started moving as her jaws chewed the sticky material back and forth.
"No way," I shook. "There's just no way." My hand was so close to the veil. "Oh God. Please. I have to know how this is done." I ripped off the veil.
Meju looked very much like her picture. But older. And then older. And older. As if her face was starting to rot away as it contorted. People behind me screamed. The lightbulbs we had strung popped. Kids were running around and the grandfather fell to the floor clutching his heart.
I backed away, the spoon clattering to the ground as I watched the mannequin crick and crack as its arms and legs bent in a tangled mess until it was walking on all fours!
The thing grabbed the bent down to the grandfather and started chewing!
I turned around and saw the other guests were piling out of the courtyard. The tables were upturned and only the dim crescent light of the moon bore down on us. Everyone was screaming trying to get out. I ran and bumped into Ah-ahn. She whirled terrified and then realized it was me. She yelled, "You never! Look at the bride before it's time!"
"I'm so sorry! I didn't know. I thought it was a trick!"
She grabbed her face, her nails leaving streaks behind as she clawed at her skin, "Now she's going to kill every living blood relative. And then you." Ah-ahn laughed manically. "She's going to torture you!"
The people kept pushing around us until we got separated. Her final words still ringing in my ears as I took to the dirt road outside and started running. I ran for nearly a mile before I spotted a cab sitting outside of someone's house. I banged on their door and then begged them to take me to the airport. Throwing at them all the money from the dowry.
When I arrived at the airport I hurried through the TSA. Relieved at the lights and normal looking people. I boarded my flight. Tapping my foot nervously the entire time, staring out the small squarish window as we prepared to take off. The sun was starting to rise as the engine roared. I took one last look at the island as we flew away. Still trying to catch my breath at what I had just caused.
My mind was reeling as I heard two knocking noises, they sounded oddly familiar, and for a second I thought that Meju had finished with her family and had somehow come boarded. But then I realized the noise was coming from my carry-on. I reached inside and pulled out two red shaped crescents that the Monk at the temple had given to me. And I realized that if I ever needed any form of divine guidance this was it.
So right there in the tiny aisle. I asked the gods if I had escaped and threw the Jiaobei.
No.
I asked the gods if I would be safe.
No.
I asked them would Meju kill me.
Both flat.
Both flat.
Both flat.
s

Yo glue. You don't use this place so you'll never hear this but I got to tell someone and I'm not going to send it to you and sound even crazier I don't want you thinking I'm some kind of psychopathic stalker and I want you to feel comfortable and respected with your boundaries. So let's get down to brass tacks.
Girl when I think about you and all this s*** that went on and I think about me. It reminds me of when in pulp fiction Bruce Willis is popping Marcellus Wallace (Ving rhames) in the face saying "you feel that?" That's your pride f****** with you or some s*** like that.
Man glue how the hell are my feelings going to be hurt and how can I be so selfish as to even think that I deserve to be respected or put any expectations on you I'm not going to go into huge detail. Reason being is because the rest of the world will hear it but you probably won't but at least out there in the void I'm going to make it to where the respect you deserve this voiced from me and that you're honored for the things that you've done selflessly. Being thet our sister birthday was yesterday and she's no longer with us I think she would smile from above knowing that I finally said something like this.
Hey let me say thank you for real. Thank you for shutting my ass down and thank you for this list I'm about to go through which I will go into detail at a later time.
I'm going to write a story about our lives. I'm telling you it's going to happen. I started three separate writings and I'm ready to scrap them all to tell our story. I'm going to focus on that in my writings anyways on to the summary of what glue means to me or what I acknowledge about glue.
What you were up against.
When we met. You a teenage girl. Abandoned by one parent in a very vile way. The other parent was raising you. We were running around, you got sick, and you were in the hospital for weeks with some very serious troubles. Towards the end of the hospital stay cuz I was in there with you the whole time. The other parent came said that they won't going to deal with you and for you to figure it out a young girl in the hospital. The crazy part is you had done nothing wrong. That was my first real dose of surrealism in people next to some childhood stuff from one of my mother's boyfriends. And shortly after you were told you didn't have a home to come back to as a teenage girl in the hospital the doctors came in and said you would never be able to get pregnant or bare children. You moved in with us me my mom and my sister. And after all that you have been through you would think that you'll be nervous or anxious or things will be awkward. No. You stepped into the home and you immediately brought light into it that it was missing. You immediately were a part of the family and you were a part that was missing the whole time that no one ever knew about. You became a daughter to my mother a sister to my sister and more important things than my words can express right now to me. You kept a strong mentality and glue you were always the caretaker. You dealt with me a young pig-headed man very much in love with you with the drug addiction you catered to me. But not like a slave you catered to my soul there is never someone that I can ever dream of to treat me the way you did. You were loyal man you were my everything. I was yours. None of this is going to be an order but I've traveled with you across the country. We moved to Louisiana. I got a job on the tugboats. You were in the middle of a new scary town. And here I was gone 30 days at a time. But you held on. That was a really stressful time when I look back and that was a time when even though it was an experience I regret that decision because being gone that long from you at that young seemed okay then but even though my buddy's family was around I should have been there. But we did it the best we could. Eventually that didn't work out I'll never forget two cats in a 1984 Ford escort and all our s*** driving all the way to the East Coast. That escort could do some runs now. Anyways we moved to the beach. Being close to home my drug addiction was still an active Factor at all times you held on every time you could. When we move to the beach we decided we were going to do other things we came back to the city. That's what my sister move to the beach with her friend and we were in the city and got to call she had been in a car wreck.
We fly down to the beach before that even cut my sister out of the car we made a 2-hour drive in about 45 minutes. They will my sister in you were right by her side by my side you were there fam you were going through it with me, with her, with the parents. The wheel her in she said she couldn't feel her legs. Boom paralyzed never going to walk again. Thank God she lived and thank God she has such an amazing sister beside her during it all.
After rehabilitation the situation that it happened put my mom into a absolute mental tailspin. So we stuck around as my mother could barely function to tend to my sister.. to your sister. So you a young young woman who had been s*** on by her family. Took over my mother's role and began caretaking for my sister, all the while taking care of my mom with her mental episodes and and down time, and taking care of a loving man with an addiction that had selfish tendencies and you filled the role of all three caretakers and still manage to love me and show me affection with a smile on your face. You took care of the whole house. You took care of the animals. I'm not talking about any of the good really that I did or anybody else did I just want you to be recognized here.
We decided to move to Florida after a long time of you taking care of my paralyzed sister and helping her acclimate until she started lighting it up. What she took off and became president the Honor society went back to school started doing fundraisers was in the Miss wheelchair state runnings eyeballing Ms wheelchair America..once she got in her groove... We went on to Florida.
In Florida you dealt with a man that had just found the purest cocaine he had done in a long time for dirt cheap prices. Through pretty much the whole stay we were there the years we were there. But I wasn't completely a lost cause so in Florida you became a business partner, an entrepreneur, an inventor, a teammate, a valuable asset, Chief cornerstone that all things business relied on between us and my buddy that we went into business with. Your pragmatic approach and abilities dominated with mine. The things I fell short in you could put into place... I don't want to say my inventiveness and idealism was the exact complimentary opposite to that where you lacked. But I'm going to be straight up with you you were just as inventive, sellable, full of ideas, practical enough to make it happen, and able to execute. So you were still at a young age early twenties the most amazing business partner I could ever ask for. Not to mention the fun in the sun the palm trees the tacky gold the new cars living on the beach man I was built for that s*** and I know you were. Eventually when the big collapse of the towers came, and us with our lack of savings which was a big part my fault. After September 11th the market just crashed and we didn't do business and s*** started going backwards and we sold our debt for what a couple thousand bucks? To watch my friend hold on to that business and buy us out of all that debt until it finally bankrupted was insane he really held on to that dream.
Anyways by the time we get back to our hometown not only is my sister been in a wheelchair now my sister develops a tumor on her pituitary gland Cushing's disease. My drug addiction is full force when we pull back into town. You jump right into action taking care of her everyone and by this time your family had got back in your life your parents. And you forgave them and let them in boy I'll never forget to work it took for you to get over that I remember the days that I sit with you and helped you work through that stuff. But you forgave you opened your heart and you opened your arms and embrace family. And you took care of everyone.
We get married. I get you pregnant the first child. I'm so far in addiction now that we're back home ground zero for those old habits. You're neglected, I'm high, selfish,I'm ashamed so basically I either don't come home because I've been up all night High s*** spending all of our money. And I mean all of it taking right out of my pregnant wife's and the baby's mouth to serve my f****** addiction. and you just held on. Remainder Rock still taking care of my sister. Still being there for my mom. And absolutely the polar opposite of what the doctor said when we first met about not being able to have kids. So after neglecting you constantly pawning off tons of responsibilities on you and spending every penny we had and expecting you to take care of the kids and never being home and being unavailable because I had a disgusting ratchet ass bottom of the barrel love affair that started with cocaine but once I tried to sling and learn how to cook cocaine became Crack to be exact. I traded you, businesses, vehicles, Mom Dad the kids, stability love, God, futures, anything everything I traded for that nasty b**** crack. Mind body Spirit trade it at all.
And what did you do you kept managing with what you we had you kept trying to hold it together and you held on for dear life.
Now you had already become a daughter to my mother and you were a sister to my sister so my part to play in that has nothing to do with y'all's relationship at this point. There's a very painful thing that I'm even scared to talk about maybe one day. Anyways finally you said you couldn't do it anymore I had driven us in the dirt I had literally turned us into basically homeless people with kids and I just could not stop when I would get to the bottom I'd bring a jackhammer and I'd find a new bottom. And you finally took your eyes off of me and you looked at what was the most important our child and you said it's time to separate you had to do it. Our separation you still tried to work with me as I got off the drug short-term and you came back and that's when I got you pregnant. That's what I want to talk to you about one day when we have time. But that has nothing to do with the honor you deserve because you are always were and not a doubt my mind always will be a loyal honorable commendable Royal woman a true virtuous woman.
Anyways when we started talking again during the separation I got you pregnant again. We got back together to try to make it work for both our kids now. But I wasn't going to give up crack for you all the families all the religion all the money and all the happiness in the world. I was that f****** stupid. God is good because I didn't 12 step my s*** out of there with that God come down and put a disgust and a chill in my bones about that s*** and made it disappear overnight. Maybe another time because it was way too late when it happened. Anyways I got you to raise two kids stole all of our money stole all of our food stole everything we didn't even have gas half the time. You hold on. You held one. I still have the claw marks in my soul from where you didn't want to let me go because you were that committed and that good of a woman. That in tune with family.
You went on to raise the kids by yourself you hooked up with another dude he got you pregnant then you dealt with him abusing you physically. Torturing that household. I know he's changed but I know some of this s*** that he did to my kids because I could see it in their eyes every time I would drop a fork. Thank God they healed from that. Whether they healed fully especially one of them I don't know. But then the question would have to be raised does the pain in the issues they go through revolve around him or revolve around the traumas from me. Cuz a dad supposed to be there. You basically dealt with him terrorizing y'all raising hell you've told me some of the things that he used to do to you I don't see how you can still talk to me like he needs you and you've got to be there for him but that's on you and I respect it but the way that you explain some of the things that he did to you to me it makes me sick to my stomach because I could just never see myself like harming you physically over and over and over again and doing things to you in other forms of physical abuse and getting pleasure or control out of it. But I can see taking you everything you ever owned and never given our kids a chance or anybody else and giving it all to crack can I so I don't know there. I just know it blows my mind. But I think it comes a lot from the fact I left us so bottom of the barrel out back from my addiction that as long as somebody was providing you felt some form of security over top of what I left you with which was complete insecurity. Maybe that's why you stuck around for the abuse and still justifiy it over top of the things I've done to this day.
You raised his kid, you raised my kids, you were the one true parent you were two dads you were one mom. You were a counselor, a provider a mediator a caretaker a teacher a protector a shelter a guide a mentor a motivator a problem solver you were a parent and you played the role of three parents. Plus you worked plus you were there for my family whenever they needed you. You were there for my sister all through her Cushing's disease. And there's so much more because you were building towards the future on your own establishing financial security vision for yourself holding the fort down getting damn near no financial help from me none 00.
I incurred 135,000 child support debt with you. How's that for deadbeat dead? See this isn't about the arrogant narcissistic guy you think I am this is about who you are. Let's just fast forward so we getting locked up for child support even though you had already told me you weren't working on getting all of that got rid of. And yes you may not believe this but my whole f****** inheritance is going to you not one red cent goes to me because you earned that. Yo you earned like 50,000 times that times a hundred times 50. All of the money in the world in my opinion is still not enough compensation if it was given all to you for the things you've done.
Now fast forward to my sister dying she's on her deathbed she's checking out. you stay and active part of her life and you check on her and you stay by her side and you are there with her as a friend you coming you become her caretaker in the end you help my mother you stand by my family side we see my sister into the Afterlife and we live the lives we live.
I come to the city out of the blue I'll come to find out there was a warrant out I get arrested. With some help from another family member if y'all bond me out with $13,000 cash. A week later I'm called by the courts they said we didn't have to show the decision could be made without us there and when we pop up they walk out and they say here here's your piece of paper sir. You owe $14.75. I'll look at the piece of paper it says Mr so and so your debt with child support enforcement has been cleared in full please pay us these $14 processing fees and your case is closed. You smiled me a smile at you.
And you said the most horrific thing I've ever heard in my life from someone. I'm being cynical here because it was really the most amazing thing but I hate the term because I'm a basket case. You looked at me and said be better do better.
Fast forward after that I started trying to get my s*** together started trying to help you with vehicles and stuff around the house and somehow... Some f****** way... I had the audacity to get offended by the way you were treating me. And I had a nervous breakdown. And I begin saying things to you the absolutely weren't true that I absolutely didn't mean and I f****** flaked.
You with no contact to protect yourself.
Look at what you have done how could I have done that?
Anyways I've seen my mom turn on you with her words. I've seen your parents turn on you, I've turned on you, seen your friends turn on you, I've seen a world I've seen your ex's turn on you, but you know what I've never seen you turn on the people that you give your ability and your honor to and your bonds to I've never seen you turn on them ever.
You didn't turn on me you were protecting yourself.
Glue you were the strongest f****** woman I've ever met and you are worthy of an award that his world renowned and recognized because there are so many things that I haven't said here.
You are The Rock, you are the glue, you are the ties that bind... You are the virtuous woman. Proverbs 31 versus 10 to 31 is the description of who You are. Even to the point of where our kids were raised by you to place the dwelling now that you're at. You have taken in so many other people's kids you're like a parent to everyone. You excel at every job that you do. Vital asset to every team that you join. Highly efficient highly intelligent. Insanely gorgeous. Smart funny. God your sense of humor is so f****** awesome.
I'll see things in pictures my brain sees things in pictures and I just see pictures of you sometimes where always if we were around somebody that was down you would do the goofiest s*** you had to do to get them to smile because that's what you do. Just like sis did and this is her birthday gift from me because she told me several times to think about how hard you have worked. And she begged me to draw that picture before she died I got it toward the day before she died it was so important to her that picture is me holding her hand and her grabbing a star and her feet rooted to the ground and the roots coming into my feet and it says my brother taught me to reach for the stars my sister taught me to remain grounded.
And it's weird because I look at that and I think about how much of a icon and how much of a aura and presence glue was see y'all were glue one and two. And I'll go get that picture that she had me draw and it brings these overwhelming senses of things because I miss her so much but it brings you into the picture too because you always kept me grounded and I could envision anything anything on vision and you could take it for what it was and you could be like okay it's not that practical but it can be done and you would make the systems that made it happen no matter what it was I could create anything with you. You are after all Earth. I'm air. Reach for the Stars grounded etc.
Do you have so many amazing qualities and you have done so many honorable things. And for my sister's birthday I honor you her sister because the things that she said really ring true now. If you never talk to me again I respect it, if you want us to try to have some kind of working amicable relation I respect it but I have to have communication, you are so much of everything good and honestly I still love you so much thatI fall apart in your presence. But forget me man for real f*** me. Glue I want you to be happy you deserve happiness and if I take away from that then I need to shut my f****** mouth and I need to take that s*** so I went down and I need to smile because I know that you're happier. I truly know what it's like to want something so bad because I have for years but I never got healthy I'm just now getting around to taking care of myself. But I have for years wanted you and when I couldn't have you that's when you became Bruce Willis and you was popping my ass in the face saying you feel that boy that's your pride f****** with you.
Will glue I'm swallowing my pride. I want you to be happy no matter what I want you to be honored. If you ever do decide you want me in your life in any form please give me the communication I need to approach it healthily if not I'll f*** it up. I'm not even going to ask you what you want I'm not going to bug you but if by some chance in hell you ever find this letter just know at any point anytime you can reach out to me and ask for anything. I have taken and taken and taken and you have given and given and given it's time for me to sit the f*** down shut the f****** and love you the way you're supposed to be loved. And that means unconditionally loving you for who you are not loving you for me loving you because I absolutely adore who You are and I want to see the best life you can have happen.
You probably can't see your value and priceless coming out of my mouth or anyone else still does not do it justice.
Going to write a story about us glue.
And I promise to never promise again and just show you by allowing you the power dynamic you deserve to make your own choices and get the happiest healthiest life you can without me interjecting you've done it well this far better than me. Have made myself look like a total helpless loser in this but we both know what I'm capable of and what I'm about. If you need a roll for me just communicate it. I'll give it my all even if giving it my all means standing outside the box looking in but never burdening you with the fact that I am anymore.
And I'm not going to bring it up. Man I hope one day you get all the things you deserve.
You're admired appreciated loved and honored. By many. You are the Chief cornerstone woman. You are woman all woman.
I love you always will. Have my power dynamics take what you need and should you ever need me to flex my power because we both know all you got to do is make the call and I'll flex on whatever the hell you need me to as hard as you need me to and I'll scoop my ass right on out the way if that's what you need after it's done
Thank you glue
Buy some odd chance should you ever want me to be the one to try to love you communicate with me and point me in the direction I'm so f***** up out here I need direction and I know that they could be poisonous to you so you being The logical thinker that you are take that for what you will.
I've never been able to fully give myself to anyone else because I truly feel that to this day I will take my love for you to the grave.
You're that special.
Should I ever get a chance to love you and stand by your side of your man again you're going to have to let me die and and come out of the death of at least once because I'll die of happiness and wake up I just I wouldn't know how to handle it.
To me it's like imagine somebody said hey here's this egg but it doesn't have a shell that's just made of the rubber stuff that holds the shell together and you've got to run this egg 3 MI of mountain terrain in 20 minutes or the whole world ends.
Well I would just take the f****** egg and throw it on the ground. That's how I've been treating things. That's what I'm relearning everything.
It could be a detriment to you you know the sign of this always protect yourself and do what's best for your happiness but if I could love you again and be your man the things I would do I can't tell you because that would be the same old same old and honestly I just don't know.
I just know I love you you've always been everything to me and there will never be anyone that compares and there never has been.
Thank you for who you are