♈️ Aries: Today is a day of new beginnings and exciting opportunities. Your personal life is set to be filled with warmth and sparks, especially if you are a solo Aries. Professionally, you are in for a lucrative business venture that will revolutionize your professional landscape. Health-wise, try something new and enjoy the thrill of novelty. For those who are travelling, make sure to bring something to keep you entertained. Financially, Jupiter is sending you fortuitous vibes, but it's best to stay away from stock market investments today. Emotionally, take charge of your own ship and use this calm to focus on self-growth.
♉️ Taurus: Today is a day of love and luck for Taureans. If you are in a relationship, it's time to reignite the spark and take your love to the next level. Professionally, be wary of any Libra who approaches you for financial aid and make sure they can repay you. Health-wise, focus on hydration and consider group workouts to mix socializing with fitness. When it comes to travel, you may cross paths with a wise soul who will sprinkle wisdom on your journey. Luck-wise, keep an eye out for the number 24 as it may bring some luck your way. Emotionally, the Moon is your ally today, sending soothing vibes your way. Consider organizing a small gathering with your inner circle to soak in the calm and connection.
♊️ Gemini: Today is a day for honest conversations and understanding in your personal life. Mercury, the celestial communicator, will guide you to an open-hearted conversation with your partner. Professionally, you may receive a small financial windfall, so keep your eyes on the horizon. Job seekers should keep their phones close as they may receive the call or email they have been waiting for. Health wise, it is important to nurture your body and spice up your routine workout. Travel plans may have to be put on hold as you attend to pressing priorities. Luck wise, it is best to avoid real estate investments for now. Emotionally, you can look forward to a rewarding exchange with a Sagittarius that will leave you feeling enlightened and uplifted.
♋️ Cancer: Married crabs may experience a slight misunderstanding with their partner today, but a romantic dinner conversation could help clear things up. Single signs may be feeling the need for some extra affection. On the professional front, this is a great time to learn something new about finances and be mindful of your spending habits. Health-wise, you are in great shape and allergies may be an issue today, so be prepared. If you're considering traveling solo, do your research and enjoy the journey. Luck is on your side today, so bask in the aura of this lucky starlight. Lastly, under the Moon's benevolent glow, you will find strength and steadiness to maintain an optimistic outlook.
♌️ Leo: Today is a day of harmony and potential for Leos. In terms of love, it is the perfect time to have a heart-to-heart conversation and clear the air. Job-seekers should be prepared for some encouraging news, while those already employed should be wary of any Scorpian influence. Health-wise, it is important to strengthen your back muscles to maintain your majestic posture. Traveling doesn't have to be expensive, so look for affordable alternatives that can still provide a rich experience. The numbers 12 and 19 form your lucky constellation today, so keep an eye out for any auspicious opportunities. Finally, the presence of a special someone will likely influence your emotional responses today.
♍️ Virgo: Today is a day of admiration and romance for single Virgoans. Enjoy the attention you receive and make sure to show your partner some extra love. At work, you may face a difficult challenge, but you have the skills to tackle it. If you're struggling with addiction, take it one step at a time and seek help if necessary. To break away from the monotony of everyday life, plan a trip with a close friend. The planet Jupiter may not be in your favor today, but the number 2 will bring you luck. Lastly, be mindful of your emotions if someone from your past attempts to re-enter your life.
♎️ Libra: Today is a day of balance and harmony for Librans. Solo Librans should be open to flirtatious connections with fire signs, but remember to respect your boundaries. For those in committed relationships, consider revisiting a shared favorite place to reignite the spark. Professionally, stand your ground and advocate for what is rightfully yours. Health-wise, make sure to get enough sleep and stay hydrated. When it comes to travel, plan a budget and stick to it. Lady Luck graces you moderately today, particularly where finances are concerned, so keep your eyes open for unexpected windfalls or opportunities. Emotionally, you'll find yourself in a serene state of mind, but be prepared for some tension if living with family. Maintain your cool and sail through.
♏️ Scorpio: Today is a day of emotional highs and lows. Scorpio, you may find yourself feeling a bit of a flutter when someone gets under your skin. Married Scorpios will be blessed with blissful moments that bring them closer to their partner. Professionally, it's time to take a disciplined approach and stick to a schedule. Financially, there may be bumps in the road, but you have the strength to overcome them. Health-wise, channel your energy into a workout and boost your nutrient intake with vegetables. If you're travelling, make sure to curate your checklist and be prepared for turbulence. Lady Luck is on your side, showering you with healing energies and leaving you feeling invigorated and positive. Emotionally, it's okay to let your guard down and let the tears flow - it's catharsis and will leave you feeling stronger and lighter.
♐️ Sagittarius: For those in a relationship, today promises a delightful dance of love and passion that will rekindle the spark. However, beware of any 'innocent' flirtations that may have stirred up a cocktail of guilt. Seek solace in honesty and conversation. If you're feeling like a hamster in a wheel at work, reach out to a seasoned colleague for guidance. It's also time for some self-love, so why not indulge in a massage or a bubble bath? If you're hitting the road, prepare an uplifting playlist or audiobook to make the ride more enjoyable. Luck is on your side today, with the digits 46 and 23 holding special fortune. Finally, a family member may seek your emotional refuge, so be their shoulder to lean on and provide them with objectivity and guidance.
♑️ Capricorn: Today is a day of potential for the charismatic Capricorn singles. A playful banter with a Taurus is likely to ensue, and those in relationships should fill the day with shared activities that will cultivate their bond. Professionally, it's time to consider looking for greener pastures and acknowledge your worth. Health-wise, stress may be the culprit behind any discomfort, so remember to practice self-care and take some time off if needed. An exciting journey is also peeking over the horizon, so get ready for the ride of your life! Lady luck will be your companion as you step out into the social landscape, and you'll effortlessly charm everyone you meet. Despite the tumultuous emotions churning beneath, your exterior remains calm and collected. Keep embracing your resilience, Capricorn, it’s one of your strongest traits.
♒️ Aquarius: Today is a day of reflection and change for Aquarius. In your personal life, it's time to open up the lines of communication and dive into the heart of any tension that may be brewing. Professionally, a figure of authority is about to take note of your untapped potential, so rise to the occasion and show them what you can do! Health-wise, it's time to make some changes in your lifestyle. If you're traveling with your partner, expect a deep and profound bonding experience. Luck is on your side today, with the numbers 93 and 5 as your charm. Finally, the shackles of old emotions have fallen away, so embrace the empowering energy of the Sun and step into your renewed self with pride and joy.
♓️ Pisces: Today is a day of intrigue and luck for Pisces. A magnetic Leo may be orchestrating a dance of flirtation and charm to capture your interest. On the financial front, things are looking brighter and you may have the chance to make some extra cash. Health-wise, it's important to make healthy choices and stay hydrated. Travel plans may need to be postponed, but your ruling planet is showering its protective grace upon you, creating a force field of luck. Lastly, remember to take some time for yourself and rest, as you have been weathering life's ups and downs with admirable resilience.

Check out today's Hora

A wee 7 months ago, I asked you guys who you thought the cult hero of the season would be. The results of the top 3 were:
1) Miguel Ángel Almirón Rejala: 14 Votes 2) Granit Xhaka: 3 Votes 3) Darwin Gabriel Núñez Ribeiro: 3 votes shoutout to the dude that said de zerbi and u/AndorAndMe who suffered more downvotes than the post's upvotes (-23 to 9) for saying Antony Matheus dos Santos. (Yes I like calling people by their government names.)
With the season having ended, do you guys have any differing opinions on who the cult hero of the season would be? Who do you think should cement themselves as the cult hero of the season?
Link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/PremierLeague/comments/ynrvri/who_do_you_think_will_be_the_cult_hero_of_this/

In the heart of a desolate wasteland, where the air reeked of decay and the moon itself hid behind a shroud of perpetual darkness, stood the Mansion of Eternal Torment. Its jagged silhouette tore through the night, exuding an aura of unspeakable evil. It was a place where nightmares were born and sanity went to die—a festering wound on the fabric of reality.
Alex, a lone wanderer burdened with a haunted past, stumbled upon the mansion by twisted fate. As soon as they crossed its threshold, the very air turned malevolent, clawing at their skin like icy talons. The house seemed alive, pulsating with a sinister energy that whispered malicious promises into their ears.
The corridors twisted and writhed like living serpents, leading Alex deeper into the mansion's maw. Paintings of grotesque figures adorned the walls, their eyes following every step with a maddening intensity. The floor beneath their feet seemed to writhe, as if ancient, forgotten souls yearned to drag them into the depths of eternal suffering.
Each room held its own unique horror. In a decaying parlor, spectral echoes of mirthless laughter echoed through the air, driving Alex to the brink of madness. Furniture contorted and contended with unseen forces, as if tormented spirits waged an eternal battle. Unearthly moans and agonized screams resonated from the hidden recesses, their origin remaining a macabre mystery.
As time lost all meaning, Alex found themselves trapped within a nightmarish dance of terror. The mansion's malevolence toyed with their senses, distorting reality in grotesque ways. Hallways elongated and twisted, leading to dead ends that shifted like living nightmares. Doors opened onto macabre tableaux, where mutilated bodies and writhing abominations danced in a horrifying frenzy.
In the mansion's forsaken heart, Alex discovered a hidden chamber—a place of unspeakable rituals and sacrilege. Bloodstained altars adorned with blasphemous symbols stood as a testament to the abominations that had taken place. Tattered parchments whispered forgotten incantations, their words searing themselves into Alex's mind, branding them with unholy knowledge.
But the mansion would not release its grasp so easily. It hungered for suffering, for the taste of broken souls. Shadows coalesced into grotesque forms, clawed appendages reaching out from the darkness, eager to drag Alex into an abyss of eternal damnation. Whispers grew louder, their malicious intent burrowing deep into their psyche.
In a desperate bid for survival, Alex unleashed a forbidden ritual, invoking ancient forces they could barely comprehend. The very fabric of reality tore asunder, revealing a void of pure darkness that threatened to consume them. Within its depths, indescribable abominations lurked, their writhing forms defying all reason and sanity.
As the void closed in, Alex's screams merged with the symphony of suffering that permeated the mansion. Their mind shattered under the weight of unimaginable horrors, becoming one with the tortured spirits that haunted the accursed halls. The mansion, now sated with fresh anguish, slumbered once more, awaiting the next unsuspecting soul to succumb to its insidious allure.
The legends of the Mansion of Eternal Torment spread like a plague, whispered in hushed tones among those brave enough to speak its name. The cursed structure became a dark beacon, drawing in lost souls like moths to a flame. Its sinister presence endured, an eternal testament to the unyielding depths of horror that lurk within the darkest recesses of the human psyche.
Centuries passed, and the Mansion of Eternal Torment remained a beacon of dread, its infamy growing like a festering wound upon the land. Legends intertwined with reality as the boundaries between the corporeal and the ethereal blurred within its malevolent walls.
In the present day, a group of paranormal investigators, known for their unwavering pursuit of the supernatural, embarked on a harrowing journey to unlock the secrets of the mansion. Their names were whispered with equal parts awe and fear—Jackson, a seasoned skeptic seeking undeniable proof; Emma, a gifted medium tormented by her own abilities; and Marcus, a fearless researcher fascinated by the darkest realms of the occult.
Together, they ventured into the night-shrouded wasteland, their equipment and resolve their only defense against the horrors that awaited them. As they crossed the mansion's threshold, the air thickened with a suffocating malevolence, clawing at their sanity. The very foundations seemed to groan, echoing the tortured souls imprisoned within.
The investigators delved deeper into the labyrinthine corridors, each step a battle against their own trepidation. The air crackled with an otherworldly energy, making their skin prickle with unseen whispers. Shadows danced in the periphery of their vision, taunting them with glimpses of grotesque apparitions that vanished before they could be fully discerned.
Jackson, the skeptic, felt the icy fingers of doubt slowly slip away as he witnessed the impossible. Furniture moved of its own accord, propelled by unseen forces. Inexplicable cold spots gripped the air, numbing their senses. Electronic devices malfunctioned, their screens flickering with cryptic messages from beyond.
Emma, the medium, became a conduit for the tormented spirits trapped within the mansion's confines. Their anguished cries reverberated through her, their spectral presence searing her mind with unbearable anguish. Whispers echoed in her ears, their fragmented voices pleading for release, while malevolent entities sought to exploit her vulnerabilities, to claim her as their vessel.
Marcus, the researcher, reveled in the forbidden knowledge that seeped from the mansion's walls. Ancient tomes whispered forgotten secrets to him, their pages seemingly stained with the blood of the damned. Symbols etched into his mind twisted his thoughts, threatening to consume his very essence as he unraveled the dark history of the mansion.
But the mansion was not a mere haunted house—it was a sentient entity, a sentient embodiment of terror. It unleashed its full fury upon the investigators. Hallways transformed into maddening labyrinths, leading them astray, deeper into the abyss. Rooms became twisted mazes of shifting walls and malicious traps, ensnaring them in a waking nightmare.
The spirits grew restless, their insidious presence manifesting in forms of pure malevolence. They clawed at the investigators' sanity, distorting their perceptions of reality. Visions of their deepest fears became corporeal nightmares, relentlessly pursuing them through the ever-changing maze of the mansion.
Yet, amid the relentless horrors, a glimmer of hope emerged—a shard of ancient knowledge pointing towards an artifact of salvation hidden within the mansion's depths. The investigators clung to this sliver of light, braving the unending darkness, their resilience fueled by a desperate determination to break free from the mansion's clutches.
With each trial they overcame, the mansion fought back with renewed ferocity. Shadows solidified into spectral monstrosities, ancient curses lashed out with a vengeance, and the very walls bled with the essence of suffering. But the investigators pressed on, their collective will a beacon of defiance against the abomination that held them captive.
In the final confrontation, as the investigators reached the heart of the mansion, a chamber of unearthly beauty
In the final confrontation, as the investigators reached the heart of the mansion, a chamber of unearthly beauty unveiled itself—a shrine of dark power, pulsating with a malevolent glow. The artifact of salvation, a relic of ancient wisdom, rested upon a pedestal, radiating a glimmer of hope amidst the encroaching darkness.
With trembling hands, the investigators seized the artifact, channeling its ancient energies. The mansion convulsed, writhing in agony as its grip weakened. The tormented spirits howled in despair, their anguished cries merging into a crescendo of wailing torment.
As the investigators made their escape, the mansion retaliated with a final, desperate act of defiance. It unleashed a torrent of supernatural fury, twisting reality and collapsing corridors upon them. The walls bled with a deluge of malevolence, threatening to consume them whole.
But united in purpose, Jackson, Emma, and Marcus fought against the tide of terror. They navigated the shifting maze, pushed beyond the limits of their strength and courage. With every ounce of willpower, they resisted the mansion's attempts to break them, their spirits burning bright with a resolve to survive.
In a blinding burst of energy, they burst through the mansion's threshold, leaving the accursed abode behind. The once formidable edifice stood still, defeated and bereft of its prey. The wasteland itself seemed to breathe a sigh of relief, as if relieved of a malevolent presence that had haunted it for centuries.
The investigators emerged, scarred but triumphant, forever changed by their harrowing ordeal. They carried the weight of the mansion's darkness within them, etched upon their souls as a reminder of the horrors they had faced. Their tale would become a whispered legend among those who dabbled in the forbidden, a testament to the unyielding human spirit against the forces of darkness.
In the aftermath, the Mansion of Eternal Torment sank into obscurity, its vile presence masked beneath layers of forgotten history. It lay dormant, waiting for a new chapter to unfold—a tale of terror that would test the mettle of those who dared to seek its secrets.
And so, the mansion stood as a haunting reminder of the depths of horror that lay hidden in the world, a reminder that even in the face of unspeakable terror, courage and resilience can prevail. The Mansion of Eternal Torment would forever cast its shadow, an eternal testament to the boundless darkness and the enduring strength of the human spirit.
As the investigators emerged from the clutches of the Mansion of Eternal Torment, they believed their ordeal had come to an end. However, an unforeseen terror awaited them in the shadows of the surrounding forest—a lurking malevolence that had taken root amidst the mansion's cursed legacy.
Unbeknownst to them, a notorious axe murderer, a deranged soul known only as "The Butcher," had been drawn to the same unhallowed grounds. Driven by a bloodlust that defied reason, he had sought refuge within the abandoned halls of the mansion, his malevolent presence intertwining with the existing horrors.
As the investigators stumbled upon an old trail, their exhaustion palpable, a rustle in the underbrush sent shivers down their spines. The air thickened with an added layer of dread, and an oppressive silence settled upon the forest—an ominous calm before the storm.
Suddenly, a figure emerged from the shadows—a hulking silhouette brandishing a gleaming, blood-stained axe. The Butcher had found his next victims, his eyes filled with a twisted ecstasy as he savored the fear etched upon their faces.
Panic gripped the investigators as they realized their nightmare was far from over. The Butcher's frenzied laughter echoed through the trees, a chilling symphony of sadism that sent chills racing down their spines. They sprinted through the dense undergrowth, desperately seeking an escape from this unholy convergence of horrors.
The forest seemed to conspire against them, as if the very trees reached out with gnarled branches to impede their progress. Each step became a perilous dance with death, as the axe-wielding maniac closed in, his relentless pursuit fueled by an insatiable thirst for their blood.
With every breath labored and hearts pounding, the investigators fought to keep their wits about them. They knew they couldn't outrun their pursuer forever, nor could they outmatch him in sheer strength. They needed a plan, a stroke of luck, or perhaps a stroke of madness to tip the scales in their favor.
Frantically, they stumbled upon a decrepit shack hidden within the depths of the forest—a place that bore witness to the Butcher's vile acts. Within its rotting walls, they found a cache of tools, remnants of the killer's twisted trade. With trembling hands, they armed themselves with anything that could be wielded as a makeshift weapon, knowing that their survival hinged on their ability to stand against the darkness that loomed before them.
The final showdown erupted amidst the desolate forest, a deadly dance between desperate investigators and a bloodthirsty fiend. Axes clashed, screams pierced the night, and blood stained the earth beneath their feet. The Butcher reveled in the violence, his unhinged laughter merging with the cries of agony.
Against all odds, the investigators fought with a ferocity borne of desperation. Blow after blow, they resisted the Butcher's relentless assault. Their collective strength and determination pushed back against the abyss, refusing to be consumed by the darkness that had ensnared them.
In a climactic clash, as dawn's first light broke through the thick canopy, the investigators landed a decisive blow. The Butcher's maniacal laughter turned to a gurgling gasp, his twisted existence fading into oblivion. The forest fell silent, as if nature itself held its breath, mourning the passing of a monster.

Cornish razor clams are highly regarded for their sweet and tender meat. Which is often described as having a delicate flavour, with hints of salt water. The clams are commonly found in sandy beaches & coastal areas of Cornwall, where they burrow into the sand.
My recipe for Cornish razor clams:
Ingredients:

• 12-14 fresh razor clams
• 2 tablespoons olive/rapeseed oil
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/4 cup white wine
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice
• Salt and pepper to taste
• Fresh flat leaf parsley, chopped (to garnish)
• Lemon/Lime wedges ( to serve)

Method:

1. Scrub the clams thoroughly under cold water to remove any sand or debris. Rinse them several times until the water runs clear.
2. In a large skillet, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the minced garlic and sauté for about 1 minute until fragrant, being careful not to burn it.
3. Increase the heat to medium-high and add the razor clams to the skillet. Cook for about 2 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the clams start to open.
4. Pour in the white wine & lemon juice, then season with salt and pepper to taste. Cover the skillet and let the clams cook for an additional 2-3 minutes until they have fully opened. Discard any clams that haven't opened at this point.
5. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the cooked razor clams to a serving platter. Pour the remaining liquid from the skillet over the clams.
6. Garnish with freshly chopped parsley and serve immediately with lemon wedges on the side.

Hi, a friend and I went on a little taco tour of LA, and I felt like sharing. Enoy!

1. Sanoratown (Pico)
   1. Taco 1: Carne Asada
   2. Taco 2: Cabesa
   3. Review: The flour tortillas were good, and the Cabesa hit the spot. Nothing extraordinary, but gosh they were really solid tacos.
2. Cielito Lindo
   1. Taco 1: Beef Taquito in Famous Sauce
   2. Taco 2: Beef Taquito in Famous Sauce
   3. Review: The supreme taquito spot on Olivera street downtown will make you forget your anywhere near downtown. The taquitos were a perfect blend of a softness to crunch, that only a deep fried tortilla can provide, but the real take away should be that the famous sauce. I was upset I didn't grab a spoon, as the fork took too many scoops to get my fill of the sauce after the taquitos were demolished.
3. Holbox
   1. Taco 1: Smoked Kanpachi Taco
   2. Taco 2: Baja Fish Taco
   3. Taco 3: Taco de Pulpo en su Tinta
   4. Taco 4: Scallop Taco
   5. Review: Holbox is a Michelin recommended in the Mercado La Paloma just south of the 10/110 interchange that should be visited as soon as possible. The Rockfish taco will be remembered as my favorite fish tacos I have ever had the pleasure to eat (so far). The Scallop and the Octopus tacos were so much fun, a perfect blend of exciting proteins, bright flavors and accessibility. Holbox is a star, and I can’t wait to bring my girl here, she will love it.
4. New Age Dispensary
   1. Strain 1: Mac 1
   2. Strain 2: White Quest
   3. Review: This dispensary grows some of the best weed in Los Angeles. A friend recently introduced me to their product, and ever since I have been ringing it's praise to anyone who will listen. Get a Cup of Ganja of whatever strain suits your fancy or the budtender recommends, and soon you’ll be enjoying a clean, clear high fitting for any occasion.
5. Tacos Indiana
   1. Taco 1: Carne Asade
   2. Taco 2: Al Pastor
   3. Review: This spot was visited by Bourdain with his Parts Unknown series, and I am grateful he showed the world this palace. The unbelievably good Al Pastor taco a la plancha that will change your life for the better or worse, it's impossible to say. If pork doesn't tickle your taste buds don’t fret, they have you covered with a carne asada that will exceed any expectations you have. I was trying to explain LA taco culture to my midwest mother, looking back I should have saved my breath and taken her to Tacos Indiana.
6. Tacos La Güera (Soto)
   1. Taco 1: Al Pastor
   2. Taco 2: Carnitas
   3. Review: Tacos La Güera commands your attention when you walk up. From the trumpo topped with a roasting pineapple to the carnitas cooking over the open flame to the splendid spread of salsa, your attention never stood a chance. The Al Pastor has smokiness that reminds you of the first time you had real good BBQ, and the Carnitas could not have been a better contrast with a butter melt in your mouth only a seasoned veteran can master.
7. Unknown (Alverado and 8th, SW corner)
   1. Taco 1: Al Pastor
   2. Taco 2: Al Pastor
   3. Review: On our way back, my co-pilot and I wanted to do an experiment. The experiment was to stop at an unresearched taco vendor, and see if it pays to step off the beaten path. The parameters were 1. On the way to Koreatown 2. Have a trumpo 3. Have at least three patrons eating there. We found our subject across from Langer’s Deli in one of the more intimidating neighborhoods in LA, and my nerves peaked when I saw store bought tortillas. As soon as order was placed, those tortillas were dipped into a bubblin cauldron of carnitas, and slapped on the flat iron and then topped with absolutely lovely seasoned pork. We both concluded that, yes you should go somewhere without a name, in a place where you aren't comfortable and see if they can make your day better with some food that neighbors share on street corners.

Mt Rushmore:
Washington: Holbox’s Baja Fish Taco
Jefferson: Holbox’s Taco de Pulpo en su Tinta
Roosevelt: Tacos Indiana’s Al Pastor
Lincoln: Unknown’s Al Pastor

Title	Format	Vendor	Price
10 Cloverfield Lane	4K	Vudu	$7
101 Dalmatians	HD	MA	$4
13 Hours The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi	HD	Vudu	$2
21 Jump Street	SD	MA	$1
3 From Hell	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$4
48 Hours	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$6
A Madea Christmas	HD	Vudu	$0.50
A Quiet Place	HD	Vudu or iTunes	$3
A Very Brady Sequel	HD	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Adventures of TinTin	SD	Vudu	$1
Adventures of TinTin	SD	iTunes	$1
Age of Ultron	HD	MA	$3
Age of Ultron	HD	GP	$2
Aladdin (2019)	HD	MA	$3
Aladdin (2019)	HD	GP	$2
Aladdin (Robin Williams)	HD	Vudu	$4
Amazing Spider-Man (The Amazing Spider-Man)	SD	MA	$0.50
Ambulance	4K	MA	$6.50
American Gangster	4K	MA	$5
American Made	4K	MA	$6
American Psycho	4K	Vudu, iTunes or GP	$5
Annie	SD	MA	$0.75
Another 48 Hours	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$6
Avengers: Age of Ulton	HD	Vudu	$3
Avengers: Age of Ulton	HD	GP	$2
Avengers: End Game	HD	Vudu	$3
Avengers: End Game	4K	MA	$4
Avengers: End Game	HD	GP	$2
Avengers: Infinity Wars	4K	MA	$4
Avengers: Infinity Wars	HD	GP	$2
Batman, The	4K	MA	$5
Beauty and the Beast (1991)	HD	Vudu	$2
Beauty and the Beast (1991)	HD	MA	$3
Beauty and the Beast (1991)	HD	GP	$2
Beauty and the Beast (2017)	HD	Vudu	$3
Beauty and the Beast (2017)	HD	GP	$2
Beauty and the Beast: Enchanted Christmas	HD	MA	$6
Beauty and the Beast: Enchanted Christmas	HD	GP	$4
BFG (Big Friendly Giant)	HD	MA	$3
BFG (Big Friendly Giant)	HD	GP	$2
Big Hero 6	HD	MA	$3
Big Hero 6	HD	GP	$2
Black Panther	4K	Vudu	$5
Black Panther	HD	MA	$3.50
Black Panther	HD	GP	$2.50
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever	HD	MA	$4
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever	HD	GP	$2.50
Black Widow	HD	MA	$4.50
Black Widow	HD	GP	$3
Boss Baby	HD	Vudu	$2
Bourne Legacy	HD	MA	$0.75
Bourne Legacy	HD	iTunes	$0.75
Brady Bunch Movie, The	HD	Vudu	$5
Bram Stoker's Dracula	4K	MA	$5
Brave (3D?)	SD	iTunes	$2
Breaking Bad Season 5 Part 1	HD	Vudu	$5
Bring it on World #CheerSmack	HD	MA	$0.50
Bring it on World #CheerSmack	HD	iTunes	$0.50
Brothers	SD	Vudu	$1
Bullet Train	4K	MA	$5.50
Bumblebee	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Cabin in the Woods	UHD	Vudu	$4
Call of the Wild	HD	MA	$3
Call of the Wild	HD	GP	$2
Call of the Wild	4K	MA	$5
Captain America: Civil War	HD	MA	$3
Captain America: Civil War	HD	GP	$2
Captain Marvel	HD	MA	$3
Captain Marvel	HD	GP	$2
Cars 2	HD	GP	$3
Cars 3	HD	MA	$3
Cars 3	4K	iTunes	$3
Cars 3	HD	GP	$2
Celebrating Mickey	HD	GP	$3
Cinderella (Live Action)	HD	MA	$4
Cinderella (Live Action)	HD	GP	$3
Clerks III	4K	iTunes	$5
Cloverfield	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$6
Coco	4K	iTunes	$5
Coco	HD	GP	$2
Collateral	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Coming to America	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Concussion	SD	MA	$0.50
Cool Hand Luke (1967)	4K	MA	$7
Copshop	HD	MA	$5
Crawl	4K	iTunes or Vudu	$5
Criminal	4K	Vudu	$5
Croods	HD	MA	$3
Croods	HD	iTunes	$3
Cruella	HD	MA	$3
Cruella	HD	GP	$2
Daddy's Home	HD	Vudu	$1.50
Daddy's Home 2	HD	Vudu	$1.50
Daniel Craig 5 Film Collection -- Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Skyfall, Spectre, No Time to Die	4K	Vudu	$20
Deadpool	HD	MA	$1.50
Deadpool	4K	iTunes	$3
Despicable Me	SD	iTunes	$1
Despicable Me 2	HD	MA	$2
Divergent	SD	Vudu	$0.50
Doctor Strange	HD	MA	$3
Doctor Strange	HD	GP	$2
Doctor Strange: In the Multiverse of Madness	HD	Vudu	$4
Doctor Strange: In the Multiverse of Madness	4K	MA	$5.50
Doctor Strange: In the Multiverse of Madness	HD	GP	$3
Dr. Seuss' How The Grinch Stole Christmas	HD	MA	$3
Dragonslayer	4K	Vudu	$5
Dumbo (2019)	HD	MA	$4
Dumbo (2019)	HD	GP	$3
Dune (2021)	4K	MA	$5
E.T. - Extra-Terrestrial	HD	Vudu or iTunes	$4
Edward Scissorhands	HD	MA	$3
Elvis (2022)	4K	MA	$5.50
Emoji Movie	HD	Vudu	$2
Emperor's New Groove, The	HD	MA	$6.75
Emperor's New Groove, The	HD	GP	$6.50
Equalizer	SD	MA	$1
Escape from LA	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$6.75
Eternals	HD	Vudu	$3.50
Eternals	HD	GP	$2.50
Everything Everywhere All at Once	4K	Vudu	$6.50
Expendables 2	SD	iTunes	$0.50
Expendables 2	HD	iTunes	$1
Extreme Prejudice	HD	Vudu or iTunes	$4.50
Fast & Furious 6	HD	MA	$2
Fast and the Furious	HD	Vudu	$2
Finding Dory	HD	iTunes	$4.50
Finding Dory	HD	GP	$2
Fox and the Hound 2	HD	GP	$5
Free Guy	HD	Vudu	$3
Free Guy	HD	GP	$2
Fright Night	4K	MA	$5
Frozen	HD	MA	$3
Frozen	HD	GP	$2
Frozen 2	4K	MA	$4
Frozen 2	HD	GP	$2.25
Frozen Ground	HD	Vudu	$2
Frozen Sing Along	HD	MA	$3
Frozen Sing Along	HD	GP	$2
Furious 7	HD	Vudu	$3
Furious 7	HD	iTunes	$3
Fury	HD	MA	$2.50
G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra	SD	iTunes	$1.50
Girls Trip	HD	MA	$0.75
God's Not Dead: A Light in Darkness	HD	MA	$1
Godfather Part 2, The	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Godfather Part 3 Coda, The	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Godfather, The	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Gods of Egypt	HD	iTunes	$1
Good Dinosaur	HD	MA	$4
Good Dinosaur	4K	MA	$5
Good Dinosaur	HD	GP	$3
Grease	4K	iTunes or Vudu	$5
Green Mile, The	4K	MA	$6
Guardians of the Galaxy	4K	iTunes	$5
Guardians of the Galaxy	HD	GP	$3
Guardians of the Galaxy v2	4K	iTunes	$5
Guardians of the Galaxy v2	HD	GP	$3
Guilt Trap	HD	Vudu	$2
Hacksaw Ridge	HD	Vudu or iTunes	$2
Hacksaw Ridge	4K	Vudu	$4
Hammer of the Gods	HD	Vudu	$1
Haunting in Connecticut	SD	iTunes	$1.50
Heat	4K	MA	$5
Heavy Metal	4K	MA	$5.50
Heavy Metal 2000	HD	MA	$6.50
Hell or High Water	HD	Vudu	$5
Hercules	HD	Vudu	$6.50
Hercules	HD	GP	$5.50
Here Comes The Boom	SD	MA	$1
Highlander	4K	Vudu	$5.50
Hitchcock	HD	Vudu	$2
Hitchcock	HD	iTunes	$2
Hocus Pocus	HD	MA	$3
Hocus Pocus	HD	GP	$2
Honey 3: Dare to Dance	HD	iTunes	$1
Hotel Transylvania 2	SD	MA	$1
House with a Clock in its Walls (2018)	HD	MA	$4
How to Train Your Dragon 2	HD	MA	$3
Hugo	SD	Vudu	$0.75
Hugo	HD	Vudu	$2
Hugo	SD	iTunes	$0.75
Hugo	HD	iTunes	$2
Hunger Games	SD	Vudu	$0.50
Hunger Games	SD	iTunes	$0.50
Hunger Games: Catching Fire	SD	Vudu, iTunes or GP	$0.50
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1	SD	iTunes	$0.50
Hunt for Red October, The	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5.50
In the Line of Fire	4K	MA	$5.50
Incredibles 2	HD	MA	$3
Incredibles 2	HD	GP	$2
Independence Day: Resurgence	HD	MA	$2
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Inside Out	4K	iTunes	$4
Into the Woods	HD	GP	$2
Iron Man 3	4K	iTunes	$4
Iron Man 3	HD	GP	$2
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back	HD	Vudu	$2
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back	HD	iTunes
Jarhead 3: The Siege	HD	MA	$2
Jason Bourne	HD	iTunes	$2
Jaws	4K	MA	$5
Jigsaw	HD	Vudu	$3
Jungle Book (Live Action) (2016)	4K	iTunes	$4.50
Jungle Book (Live Action) (2016)	HD	GP	$3
Jungle Cruise	HD	MA	$3
Jungle Cruise	HD	GP	$2
Juno	SD	iTunes	$1.50
Jurassic Park	4K	MA	$5
Jurassic World	HD	Vudu	$3
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom	4K	MA	$5
Justin Bieber Never Say Never	SD	iTunes	$1.50
King of Staten Island, The	HD	MA	$4
King's Man, The	4K	MA	$7
Kingsman: Golden Circle	HD	MA	$2
Kingsman: The Golden Circle	HD	MA	$2
Kronk's New Groove	HD	MA	$6.75
Kronk's New Groove	HD	GP	$6.50
La La Land	HD	Vudu	$2
Lady and the Tramp (Signature Collection)	HD	MA	$5
Lady and the Tramp (Signature Collection)	HD	GP	$4
Last Night in Soho	4K	MA	$5.75
Let's Be Cops	HD	MA	$1
Lightyear	HD	Vudu	$3.50
Lilo & Stitch	HD	MA	$4
Lilo & Stitch	HD	GP	$3.50
Lilo & Stitch 2 - Stitch Has a Glitch	HD	MA	$4
Lilo & Stitch 2 - Stitch Has a Glitch	HD	MA	$3.50
Lion King (Animated)	HD	MA	$4.50
Lion King (Animated)	HD	GP	$4.50
Lion King Live Action	4K	MA	$4
Lion King Live Action	HD	GP	$2
Little House on the Prairie Season 4	SD	Vudu	$3
Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea	HD	MA	$7
Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea	HD	GP	$6.75
Little Mermaid, The	HD	MA	$4.50
Little Mermaid, The	HD	GP	$3.50
Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning	HD	MA	$7
Lone Ranger	HD	Vudu	$4
Lone Ranger	HD	GP	$2
Luca	HD	MA	$3
Luca	HD	GP	$2
Maleficent	HD	MA	$3
Maleficent	HD	GP	$2
Maleficent 2: Mistress of Evil	HD	GP	$3
Maleficent 2: Mistress of Evil	4K	MA	$5
Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh	HD	MA	$4
Many Saints of Newark	4K	MA	$5.50
Mary Poppins	HD	MA	$3
Mary Poppins	HD	GP	$2.50
Mary Poppins Returns	HD	MA	$4
Mary Poppins Returns	HD	GP	$2.50
Matrix; Resurrections, The	4K	MA	$6
Miss Bala	SD	MA	$3
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children	HD	Vudu	$2
Mission Impossible Fallout	HD	iTunes	$2
Moana	4K	MA	$5.50
Moana	HD	GP	$2
Monster High - Electrified	HD	MA	$0.50
Monster High - Electrified	HD	iTunes	$0.50
Monsters University	HD	GP	$4.25
Mulan (Live Action)	HD	GP	$2
Mulan II	HD	MA	$5
Mulan II	HD	GP	$4
Mulan Live Action	4K	MA	$4
Mummy Tomb of the Dragon	HD	MA	$3
Neighbors	HD	iTunes	$2
Nightmare Before Christmas	HD	GP	$3.50
Norm of the North	HD	Vudu	$2
Northman, The	4K	MA	$6
Now You See Me	HD	Vudu	$2
Nurse Jackie Season 7	HD	Vudu	$3.50
Onward	HD	MA	$3
Onward	HD	GP	$2
Operation Fortune: Ruse De Guerre	4K	Vudu	$8
Oz the Great and Powerful	HD	MA	$3
Oz the Great and Powerful	HD	GP	$2
Perks of Being a Wallflower	SD	Vudu	$0.50
Perks of Being a Wallflower	HD	Vudu	$1
Perks of Being a Wallflower	SD	iTunes	$0.50
Perks of Being a Wallflower	HD	iTunes	$1
Peter Pan	HD	MA	$5
Peter Pan	HD	GP	$4
Pinocchio	HD	GP	$4
Pirate Fairy, The	HD	MA	$3
Pirate Fairy, The	HD	GP	$2
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales	HD	MA	$3
Pitch Perfect	HD	MA	$1
Pitch Perfect	HD	iTunes	$1
Plane	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$7
Planes	HD	MA	$4
Planes	HD	GP	$2
Planes: Fire & Rescue	HD	MA	$4
Planes: Fire & Rescue	HD	GP	$2
Pocahontas	HD	MA	$5
Pocahontas	HD	GP	$4
Pocahontas 2	HD	MA	$5
Pocahontas 2	HD	GP	$4
Poltergeist	4K	MA	$5.50
Power Rangers	HD	Vudu	$2
Power Rangers	HD	iTunes	$2
Pride & Prejudice (2005)	HD	iTunes	$2
Pulp Fiction	4K	iTunes or Vudu	$5
Raiders of the Lost Ark	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Ralph Breaks the Internet	HD	Vudu	$3
Ralph Breaks the Internet	4K	MA	$5
Ralph Breaks the Internet	HD	GP	$2
Raya and the Last Dragon	HD	MA	$4
Raya and the Last Dragon	HD	GP	$3
Red	4K	Vudu	$4.50
Red 2	4K	Vudu	$4.50
Redemption	HD	Vudu	$1
Rescuers	HD	Vudu	$6
Rescuers	HD	GP	$4
Rescuers Down Under	HD	Vudu	$6
Reservoir Dogs	4K	iTunes or Vudu	$6
Resident Evil: Retribution	HD	MA	$5.50
Resident Evil: Welcome to Racoon City	4K	MA	$6.50
Robin Hood	HD	MA	$5
Robin Hood	HD	GP	$3
Rocky	4K	Vudu	$5
Rogue	HD	Vudu	$2
Rogue One	HD	Vudu	$3
Rogue Wars: Star Wars Story	HD	MA	$3
Rogue Wars: Star Wars Story	HD	GP	$2
Ron's Gone Wrong	HD	MA	$3.00
Safe	SD	iTunes	$0.50
Santa Clause 2, The	HD	MA	$4.50
Santa Clause 2, The	HD	GP	$3
Santa Clause 3, The Escape Clause	HD	MA	$4.50
Santa Clause 3, The Escape Clause	HD	GP	$3
Santa Clause, The	HD	MA	$4.50
Santa Clause, The	HD	GP	$3
Saving Mr. Banks	HD	MA	$4
Saving Mr. Banks	HD	GP	$3
Schindler's List	HD	Vudu	$4
Scream	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Scream 2	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Secret Life of Pets	HD	MA or Vudu	$2
Selma	HD	Vudu or iTunes	$3
Show Dogs (2018)	HD	MA	$3
Shutter Island	4K	Vudu	$6
Sicario	HD	iTunes	$1
Sicario	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Sicario: Day of the Soldado	4K	MA	$5
Sing	HD	MA	$2
Sing	HD	iTunes	$2
Sinister	HD	iTunes	$2
Sleeping Beauty	HD	MA	$4
Sleeping Beauty	HD	GP	$3
Smokin' Aces	4K	MA	$6
Snow White	HD	GP	$4
Snow White and the Huntsman	HD	MA	$1
Soul	HD	Vudu	$3
Soul	HD	MA	$3
Soul	HD	GP	$2
Speed	4K	MA	$5
Spiderman Homecoming	HD	MA	$3
Spiderman: Far From Home	HD	MA	$3.50
Spiderman: Homecoming	HD	MA	$3.50
Spiderman: No Way Home	4K	MA	$3.50
Spies in Disguise	HD	GP	$2
Split	HD	MA	$3
Star Trek Beyond	HD	Vudu or iTunes	$3
Star Trek: Into Darkness	SD	Vudu or iTunes	$0.50
Star Trek: Into Darkness	HD	Vudu or iTunes	$1
Star Wars Last Jedi	HD	GP	$2
Star Wars: Force Awakens	HD	MA	$3
Star Wars: Force Awakens	HD	GP	$2
Star Wars: Last Jedi	HD	MA	$3
Star Wars: Last Jedi	HD	GP	$2
Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker	HD	MA	$4
Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker	4K	MA	$4
Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker	HD	GP	$3
Star Wars: Rogue One	HD	MA	$3
Star Wars: Rogue One	HD	GP	$2
Step Up: All In	HD	Vudu or GP	$2
Strange World	HD	GP	$3
Strike Back Season 5	HD	iTunes	$4
Stuber	4K	MA	$5.50
Super Buddies	HD	MA	$3
Super Buddies	HD	GP	$2
Super Troopers 2	HD	MA	$4
Superfly	HD	MA	$3
Sword in the Stone	HD	MA	$5
Taken 2	HD	MA	$3
Tangled	HD	MA	$5
Tangled	SD	iTunes	$2
Tangled	HD	GP	$4.50
Ted	HD	MA	$1
Ted	HD	iTunes	$1
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows	HD	Vudu or iTunes	$3
Terminator Dark Fate	HD	Vudu	$2
Terminator Dark Fate	HD	iTunes	$2
The Bad News Bears (1976)	HD	Vudu	$4
The Captive	HD	Vudu	$2
The Following Season 1	HD	Vudu	$3
The Hitman's Bodyguard & Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard 2 Film Collection	4K	Vudu	$10
The Last Stand	SD	iTunes	$0.50
The Last Witch Hunter	SD	Vudu	$1
The Lost Boys	4K	MA	$6
The Mummy	4K	iTunes	$5
The Mummy (Tom Cruise) (2017)	4K	MA	$5
The Protégé	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5.75
The Purge	HD	MA	$3
The Smurfs 2	SD	MA	$1
The Spectacular Now	SD	Vudu	$1
The Women in Black	HD	MA	$2
Thor: Dark World, The	HD	MA	$3
Thor: Dark World, The	HD	GP	$2
Thor: Love & Thunder	HD	MA	$4
Thor: Love & Thunder	4K	MA	$5
Thor: Love & Thunder	HD	GP	$3
Thor: Ragnarok	HD	MA	$3
Thor: Ragnarok	HD	GP	$2
TMNT	HD	Vudu	$1.50
TMNT Out of the Shadows	HD	iTunes	$2
Tomorrowland	HD	MA	$3
Tomorrowland	HD	GP	$2
Top Gun: Maverick	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5.50
Toy Story 3	HD	GP	$3
Toy Story 4	4K	MA	$5
Toy Story 4	HD	GP	$3
Toy Story: That Time Forgot	HD	MA	$5
Toy Story: That Time Forgot	HD	GP	$4.50
Transformers: Age of Extinction	HD	Vudu or iTunes	$1.50
Trolls	HD	MA	$2
True Blood Season 4	HD	GP	$1
Turning Red	4K	MA	$5
Turning Red	HD	GP	$3
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2	SD	Vudu	$0.50
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2	HD	Vudu	$1
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2	SD	iTunes	$0.50
Tyler Perry's Temptation	HD	Vudu	$2
Tyler Perry's Witness Protection	HD	Vudu	$2
Untouchables, The	4K	iTunes or Vudu	$6
Venom	HD	MA	$3
Walking Dead Season 4	HD	Vudu	$6.50
War for the Planet of the Apes	HD	MA	$2
Warm Bodies	SD	Vudu, iTunes or GP	$0.50
West Side Story	HD	Vudu	$2
West Side Story	HD	GP	$1.50
What Happens in Vegas	SD	iTunes	$1
Wind River	HD	Vudu or iTunes	$5
Winnie the Pooh: Springtime with Roo	HD	MA	$4.50
Wolf of Wall Street	4K	Vudu or iTunes	$5
X-Men: Wolverine	SD	iTunes	$1
Zootopia	HD	MA	$4
Zootopia	HD	GP	$3

I already know what you're gonna say: The Hornets are already in Charlotte... They want to be true to New Orleans... The Pelicans is Louisiana's state bird, so it fits... Well let's just throw some facts out: In the ten years that New Orleans has been know as the Pelicans, they've wasted not one but TWO generational talents who were drafted number one (I know you'll say Zion isn't their fault, but at least partial blame goes to Pelicans management for not forcing him to get in better shape), they've had 3 all-star sidekicks(Holiday, Boogie, Ingram), they have a championship winning executive(David Griffin), and yet they've only one playoff series win. ONE! They have been an abject failure, and have wasted more talent than teams like Sacramento and Orlando wish they could glance at while they're waiting for the bar to reopen.
The Case for the Hornets: You might say: Okay, maybe not the Pelicans, but why the Hornets? They also only have one playoff series win, and besides CP3 and rookie AD, didn't have much going for them. Well I'll tell you why: This team meant so much to the city. After Katrina hit New Orleans, and the Hornets had to move to OKC for a year, it was a destitute land for New Orleans sports fans. Then, in 2008, young CP3 almost won MVP, led the Hornets to a 2 seed and a playoff series win, and almost beat the veteran Spurs in Game 7 of the semifinals. There was hope for fans in that city again, and while the CP3 era didn't last much longer than that year(he would be traded in 2011 to the Clippers), the ride was worth the experience. Those Hornets teams are bonded with New Orleans forever... Plus those jerseys and that color scheme are top 5 in NBA history imo.
The Case Against the Pelicans: On top of all my previous arguments, we have the address the issues outside of basketball. The ownership issues with the NBA and Tom Benson's wife can be dealt with separately, but the main problem with the Pelicans outside of basketball is the fact that people in New Orleans do not care about this team. The team ranked 26th in 22-23 in attendance, and have ranked below 20th in every season since the rebrand, with the exception of 2021, in which attendance limits make it hard to fairly compare it to other seasons. On top of the attendance issues(wow I sound like a middle school teacher), there is also the fact that the team is getting upstaged by LSU athletics in the local newspapers. Does New Orleans know how badly Seattle or Vancouver would kill for another chance at a team in their city? Or do they not care? Would they even bat any eyelash if Gayle Benson decided to move?
What About Charlotte: Ever since the Bobcats rebranded as the Hornets in the '14-'15 season, they've somehow been less notable than the Bobcats(wow that's sad). AT LEAST that team has the worst record of all time. That's something Bobcats fans all shared the horror of witnessing. The (new) Hornets' only claims to fame are hosting J. Cole's concert at the All-Star game in 2019 and drafting LaMelo Ball in 2020. Now that Mike wants to sell the team, this is Charlotte's chance to make their own identity, and that could be easily accomplished with (another) rebrand.
In Conclusion: The New Orleans Hornets should be revived, which may trigger a change in Zion to change his ways, make weight, and reach his top 5 potential... or eat more gumbo.

I already know what you're gonna say: The Hornets are already in Charlotte... They want to be true to New Orleans... The Pelicans is Louisiana's state bird, so it fits... Well let's just throw some facts out: In the ten years that New Orleans has been know as the Pelicans, they've wasted not one but TWO generational talents who were drafted number one (I know you'll say Zion isn't their fault, but at least partial blame goes to Pelicans management for not forcing him to get in better shape), they've had 3 all-star sidekicks(Holiday, Boogie, Ingram), they have a championship winning executive(David Griffin), and yet they've only one playoff series win. ONE! They have been an abject failure, and have wasted more talent than teams like Sacramento and Orlando wish they could glance at while they're waiting for the bar to reopen.
The Case for the Hornets: You might say: Okay, maybe not the Pelicans, but why the Hornets? They also only have one playoff series win, and besides CP3 and rookie AD, didn't have much going for them. Well I'll tell you why: This team meant so much to the city. After Katrina hit New Orleans, and the Hornets had to move to OKC for a year, it was a destitute land for New Orleans sports fans. Then, in 2008, young CP3 almost won MVP, led the Hornets to a 2 seed and a playoff series win, and almost beat the veteran Spurs in Game 7 of the semifinals. There was hope for fans in that city again, and while the CP3 era didn't last much longer than that year(he would be traded in 2011 to the Clippers), the ride was worth the experience. Those Hornets teams are bonded with New Orleans forever... Plus those jerseys and that color scheme are top 5 in NBA history imo.
The Case Against the Pelicans: On top of all my previous arguments, we have the address the issues outside of basketball. The ownership issues with the NBA and Tom Benson's wife can be dealt with separately, but the main problem with the Pelicans outside of basketball is the fact that people in New Orleans do not care about this team. The team ranked 26th in 22-23 in attendance, and have ranked below 20th in every season since the rebrand, with the exception of 2021, in which attendance limits make it hard to fairly compare it to other seasons. On top of the attendance issues(wow I sound like a middle school teacher), there is also the fact that the team is getting upstaged by LSU athletics in the local newspapers. Does New Orleans know how badly Seattle or Vancouver would kill for another chance at a team in their city? Or do they not care? Would they even bat any eyelash if Gayle Benson decided to move?
What About Charlotte: Ever since the Bobcats rebranded as the Hornets in the '14-'15 season, they've somehow been less notable than the Bobcats(wow that's sad). AT LEAST that team has the worst record of all time. That's something Bobcats fans all shared the horror of witnessing. The (new) Hornets' only claims to fame are hosting J. Cole's concert at the All-Star game in 2019 and drafting LaMelo Ball in 2020. Now that Mike wants to sell the team, this is Charlotte's chance to make their own identity, and that could be easily accomplished with (another) rebrand.
In Conclusion: The New Orleans Hornets should be revived, which may trigger a change in Zion to change his ways, make weight, and reach his top 5 potential... or eat more gumbo.

So, as a lot of us expected, a recent report says that the Spurs have interest in making a rather unusual move by their standards to pick up a second first-rounder in the draft next month, presumably to acquire a PG that they hope can start next to Victor Wembanyama for the next decade-plus. It’s an idea that had been gaining traction with fans even before the real whispers started because of how much sense it seemed to make - this is seen as a relatively deep draft, with a lot of intriguing options at a position of need that are currently being mocked in the mid-to-late lottery. I'm sure most people have seen plenty of discussion about it on this sub over the past few days, and in every thread, people are asking the smart first question: "Okay, but what would it take?"
There's a lot of things that factor into that answer, and I'm just some internet dork who watches and reads about and talks about and thinks about basketball too much so I obviously have no idea what kind of discussions GMs are actually having on that front. But I thought it would at least help to look at what the positions we'd presumably be targeting have brought back in trade in the past decade, and then try to approximate value with the Spurs' assets. Firstly, though...
Why would San Antonio do this?
There's two ways to answer that question, and the first is to look at it from the perspective of what the Spurs don't have: a long-term starting Point Guard. I like Tre Jones a lot - he's everything we could've hoped for as a second-round pick and then some - but he's not a player that's going to feasibly run the offense for a contending team. He'd make a fantastic backup, and the Spurs are obviously hoping that Sochan and Victor and to a lesser extent Branham evolve into above-average playmakers, especially as the organization makes strides to get closer to their positionless basketball philosophy. But I don't think any of that is going to supersede a desire to bring a more traditional lead guard into the fold, especially considering what the team does have.
And what San Antonio has right now is a lot of picks. Maybe not as many as OKC or Utah, but a lot nonetheless. Six first-rounders that aren't our own, to be exact, plus the swap rights to Atlanta's 2026 first-rounder and over twenty second-rounders. Simply put, I can guarantee you that the team won't be making all of those picks, because it's not smart roster building to be quite so overloaded with very young players when the idea is to start being competitive again. Having a lot of young talent with promise is a good problem to have until you hit the point of having so many mouths to feed that it starts stunting their development, and we're already looking at a potential slight roster crunch this year. As an example, the Pacers, who are arguably behind us in terms of the rebuilding process now since we won the Wemby sweepstakes, have 5 picks in this year's draft, 3 of them first-rounders, and Kevin Pritchard has already come out and said they're not making all of them. The Spurs, by comparison, could potentially have FIVE first-rounders in 2025 depending on league standings over the next couple years. Eventually, some of these picks will be used as a package to get one better pick or a star player. And there's a good argument that, if it's going to be the former, now is the time, because again, this is a strong draft.
So what specific assets do we have?
I'll go ahead and rank them in descending order by my perception of their value, excluding Wemby because he's obviously the most untouchable of untouchables.

• Sochan and Vassell: Very clearly big parts of this team moving forward and likely starters when our theoretical championship window opens
• Atlanta 2027 unprotected FRP: The Hawks are such a dumpster fire right now in some ways that this could easily end up being a Top 5 pick - notably, the last year of Trae's current contract is 2026-27
• Keldon Johnson: Anyone else tired of talking about him? I'll have a more in-depth look at why trading him might make sense later in this post, but he's still just 23 years old with room to grow and even with his deficiencies, he's got a lot of attractive qualities even if his long-term ceiling might be "good sixth man."
• Atlanta 2025 unprotected FRP
• Atlanta 2026 pick swap: There's an argument that this should be above the 2025 unprotected pick because the 2025 class is looking kinda rough and 2026 includes Cameron Boozer and Cooper Flagg, but ultimately having an extra pick in an individual future draft is, I think, more valuable than a swap because it allows for a move-up package
• Toronto 2024 FRP protected 1-6: Masai Ujiri and the Raptors are a little hard to read right now, even more than usual, but I think there's a good chance this could convey next year and still be in the top 10 somewhere.
• Zach Collins: A good starting center on a bad team or a very good backup center on a better team. He's got the Pop endorsement and trading him would leave our C rotation very light unless we've got something else cooking (not a good thing with Victor coming in), but I wouldn't want him to be the sticking point that holds up a potential good deal. *Malaki Branham: I might be overrating him a bit here because I'm personally very high on Branham, but I think it's close enough. He's shown very promising flashes at the NBA level already, and if he can get more consistent from 3 it'll be very hard to stop him from scoring. Becoming even a passable defender on top of it would give him 6MOTY-level upside.
• Chicago 2025 FRP protected 1-10: I think Chicago's gonna be forced to blow it up soon. Multiple teams below them in the standings last year should be markedly improved already this season and they might even lose Vooch. So this may not convey for a while, if at all.
• Boston 2028 pick swap, protected for 1st overall: This is probably about even with the Chicago pick, really. Things can change quick in the NBA but I don't expect Boston to be bad for a while, and again, it's just a swap.
• Charlotte 2024 pick, lottery protected: This will almost definitely not convey next year. Maaaaybe in 2025, but I'm really starting to doubt LaMelo's ability to stay on the floor. And a pick outside of the lottery in a bad draft class won't be worth all that much.
• Blake Wesley: I've never been a Wesley believer and he didn't show anything last year to convince me I might be wrong, but maybe some team likes his upside enough that he could work as a sweetener.
• Doug McDermott: A knockdown perimeter movement shooter who isn't worth much on his own, but could be attractive as a veteran piece for a team that can't otherwise hit 3s.
• All of our 20+ SRPs

We also, again, have all of our own FRPs, but there's too many unknowns across the next couple years for me to try and predict their value. Suffice it to say that I wouldn't trade next year's under any circumstances, would only let go of 2025's if it was protected for the lottery, and would probably be willing to have talks about any of them in or after 2026.
Potential Trade Analysis
Before anything else, I want to be clear that I'm not advocating for all or even most of these trades. I'm simply doing my best to demonstrate what we might have to give up based on history.
And again, there are a lot of mitigating factors to these other recent trades. Draft class strength, roster makeup, financial situation, etc. - it's impossible to ever get 1-to-1 comparisons for something like this. But I think they work pretty well as rough examples.
Oh, and here's an aggregation of the current "professional" mock drafts out there in case anyone wants an idea of what prospects we'd be talking about in each position.
One last thing: When I'm talking about trades that have been made for these picks historically, I'm only including ones that were made between the lottery and draft day or on draft night specifically, since obviously the slots for future picks in other trades wouldn't have been known at the time of the deal.
Pick #5 (Detroit)

• 2018: DAL trades w/lightly-protected 2019 1st for pick 3 (the now-famous Luka/Trae trade)

PROPOSAL: This.
We don't have a great comparison point to open with here, but this feels about right to me. No one, media or fans, can agree on Keldon's trade value, and there's some teams I think he very much would not fit on, but I think it makes a lot of sense on Detroit’s end for the reasons Edwards laid out - he opens up a ton of options for the Pistons to experiment with assuming that they actually get a full year of Cade this season and, in the best-case scenario, can become a very good sixth man for them long-term. They really need a young wing, and after the gut punch of falling to #5 where they’re in the unenviable position of having to decide between a bunch of low-floor, high-ceiling guys, they might be tempted to take out the guesswork and go with someone who’s already shown what he can do for a couple years. I'll return to this comparison later, but if Detroit takes Cam Whitmore in this spot, for example, and he becomes what Keldon is now, I think they'd call it a successful pick.
MY EVALUATION: Spurs say no. I think Keldon has more value to SAS than anyone they could be targeting in this spot unless Amen Thompson is still there and the FO is supremely confident in him becoming a decent off-ball player.
Pick #6 (Orlando)

• 2013: NOP trades to PHI with protected 2014 first for Jrue Holiday and pick 42

PROPOSAL: SAS trades Devin Vassell, CHI 1st and pick 33 for picks 6 and 36
I’ve seen rumors that ORL might want to package this and their #11 pick to move up, but I don’t know where that comes from. Can’t see Charlotte taking a deal like that, Portland and allegedly Houston want immediate help instead of two more rookies, and the #5 from Detroit wouldn’t really be worth it from the Magic’s standpoint. Maybe they can send #6 and #11 plus Suggs to the Rockets? Either way, the Magic are another of those teams I was talking about earlier that already has a lot of young players that they want to get touches, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they move one of their two picks for something else.
Holiday was coming off an all-star season, and though Vassell is obviously not an all-star (at least not yet), I do think he's a pretty decent approximation of 2013 Jrue Holiday. Same age, and the best players on their respective teams. Good defense, good outside shot and still some room to grow as a self-creator. I think he was probably looking at some MIP votes last year if he hadn’t gotten hurt.
MY EVALUATION: Spurs say no, obviously. They're not trading Devin. I think they could theoretically get this slot just by giving up a big package of picks, but at that point the evaluation becomes too difficult to really be worth it for this exercise IMO.
Pick #7 (Indiana)

• 2017: MIN trades pick 7 with Kris Dunn and LaVine to CHI for Jimmy Butler and pick 16

Obviously there’s no real similar deal to be found here - if we had a Jimmy Butler we’d be in a wildly different situation in the first place. I could try to put together a big picks package, but IND is guaranteed a very promising prospect at this spot and, in my opinion, they have too many holes in their team right now (or at least a very large defense-shaped hole) to move it for futures when they're already looking at more picks than they want to make.
MY EVAULATION: They'd ask for Vassell and they won't get him; this pick won't be ours. Moving on.
Pick #8 (Washington)

• 2016: SAC trades to PHX for picks 13 and 28, a future 2, and rights to Bogdan Bogdanovic

PROPOSAL: SAS trades Malaki Branham, Tre Jones, TOR 1st, CHA 1st for pick 8 and Delon Wright
Here’s where things start getting a little interesting, because this is the first slot where I can see one of the presumptive primary targets for the Spurs enter the mix in Anthony Black. Indiana might give him a look if they really value his defense and versatility, but I think Walker and Hendricks are more likely directions. So that brings us to Washington. That organization makes my head hurt but I have a hard time seeing a universe where they don’t make this pick. Either they keep smashing their head against the wall of irrelevance or they finally decide to tear it down, and either way it doesn’t make much sense for this pick to find its way to us.
But if the Wizards were to trade this pick, I imagine it'd be because they’re getting a young and high-upside prospect who’s already shown legit NBA flashes in Branham, which they’re sorely lacking and could reasonably be thought of as equivalent to or probably even a little bit better than Bogdanovic in 2016. This also gets them an uber-reliable young backup PG that can be had for a few cheap years (something you'd be pretty happy to get with a #28 pick) and the Spurs take back Wright for salary purposes and to have a veteran PG option of their own, though it’s entirely possible WAS values Wright more highly anyway for defensive purposes.
MY EVALUATION: Both teams say no, although if we put Wesley in there instead of Branham I think things get interesting from the Spurs' point of view. You can never predict the Wizards, but I think Michael Winger would have to be given an offer they can’t refuse to tempt them not to just stay here and pick Black or Hendricks or Whitmore or whoever else has fallen to them. Reportedly, he has the blessing to finally rebuild if he so chooses, and it’s hard to see them not starting the process off here. Not for nothing, but Winger used to work under Presti.
I do wonder what would happen if the Spurs offered Keldon for this pick straight-up, though. If Kuzma leaves, the Washington wing situation suddenly looks completely ghastly. Returning to the "Whitmore-Johnson test," if the Wizards picked Cam up here and he turned into Keldon, I think they'd be quite pleased. Not "all-time draft victory" pleased, but a huge win for a team that's mangled their draft a couple times recently.
Pick #9 (Utah)

• 2013: MIN trades to UTA for picks 14 and 21

PROPOSAL: SAS trades CHA 1st and CHI 1st for pick 9
Pretty simple here. If a team thinks that Chicago pick will convey, late lottery seems like a reasonable place to expect it to land. If the Charlotte pick conveys, it'll be in that 15-20 range.
MY EVALUATION: Utah says no because there's a good chance those picks don't convey, because picks in future drafts are always treated as less valuable than those in the same draft, and because Ainge doesn't make trades when he's not fleecing the other team for all their worth. Also, Utah doesn't really need more future picks either.
You know what? That was boring. How about another option?
PROPOSAL: SAS trades Keldon for pick 9
The Ainge factor remains, but in a vacuum I do think this is pretty fair value straight up. Let’s talk about the SAS rotation for a minute assuming they do indeed make SOME trade for a PG prospect. Wemby and Vassell are starting, no question. Collins got the Pop endorsement at the end of last season, so he’s in there too. That leaves four players fighting for two starting spots: Keldon, Sochan, Tre Jones, and the newly drafted PG. Sochan started 53 of the 56 games he played last year, and with the excellent upside he has, I have a hard time imagining he’s not getting the nod at the 3; even if he’s not, he’ll be getting tons of minutes. I and others have supported the Point Sochan experiment, but if we’re bringing in a real PG, I doubt we’ll see a whole lot more of that and they certainly won’t start a Sochan/Vassell/Keldon/Wemby/Collins lineup. So Keldon’s probably sliding to the sixth man role. And that’s fine - if he has a role on this team when they’re ready to contend again, it’ll be that one - but trading a sixth man for the right to select the guy you theoretically think can be Victor’s running mate for a decade, especially when there’s plenty of other guys off the bench that you want to keep giving minutes to, is more than reasonable all things considered.
As far as UTA goes, they need a PG prospect all on their own but I think they can get Kobe Bufkin with their #16 pick and I kinda love the fit there for him. If you’re the Jazz, would you rather have Keldon and Bufkin or, say, Wallace and Leonard Miller? I don’t know the answer to that, but I think there’s at least a chance they’d prefer the latter, as even with a pretty lean roster I don’t know how badly they want to find playing time for three first rounders this year. Keldon and Markkanen don’t even step on each other’s toes in the UTA system, and though they’ll definitely continue the tank this year to avoid losing their 2024 pick, Keldon could easily still be around on a very team-friendly deal by the time they’re ready to start pushing for the playoffs again.
MY EVALUATION: Utah says no strictly because Ainge gonna Ainge. I'm not sure I'd do it if I was the Spurs, either, because injuries will happen and Victor might get more DNPs for load management this year than any of us want to see. But it’s a conversation worth having and I can’t say I’d be falling to my knees in an HEB if it happened on draft night.
Pick #10 (Dallas)

• 2018: PHI trades to PHX for pick 16 and a Miami first in 2021
• 2017: SAC trades to POR for picks 15 and 20
• 2014: PHI trades to ORL for pick 12, 2015 second, and 2017 first*

Strap in, this is a fun one.
PROPOSAL: This.
This is the pick in the lottery that I think is most likely to move, outside of maaaybe #3. That’s kind of awkward, because Dallas wants (needs) talent to help them win now and we don’t have much of that. Specifically, they need defense and a real starting center - if they can get both of those in one guy, so much the better. Keldon doesn’t move the needle for them IMO and we’re obviously not gonna give up Vassell at this slot. The OTHER thing Dallas needs, though, is something we do have in spades: cap room. Our old friend Davis Bertans has one of the worst contracts in the league for next season - $17m for a guy whose defense deficiencies make him unplayable - and while he only has $5m guaranteed in 2024, I think Dallas needs help right now to keep from running a real risk of fracturing their relationship with their best player since Dirk.
I think it’s POSSIBLE Dallas just trades this pick with Bertans and, say, McGee for, the TOR 1st + CHA 1st + a bucket of SRPs or something, then tries their luck in free agency (to go for Jakob or Brook etc.) before using their new draft capital to seek another trade if need be, but I think it’s more likely that we’d be looking at a full-on three-teamer here. There’s a lot of options there depending on which teams are panicking or not, and most of them I don’t find overly likely. Does Boston overreact and give up Robert Williams in a psychotic episode? Does Atlanta move Capela? Eh. Maybe, I guess, but I doubt it. How about Cleveland, though?
This is a pretty skeletal framework of what a deal could look like so don’t take it as absolute gospel. Three-team trades are often complicated enough that there could easily be a few more moving pieces were such a trade to happen.
MY EVALUATION: This could be a winner. I don’t think CLE has to trade Allen yet, but if they’re not exploring the option and asking themselves some tough questions about whether the pairing with Mobley is the real long-term answer after what happened against the Knicks, they’re not doing their job. THJ shot almost the same percentage on 3s as Caris Levert did last year on over three more attempts per game, and his defense, while not amazing by any means, is better than it gets credit for. Getting rid of Rubio also gives them a little extra salary to play with in free agency - it’s not much, and it’s not a great class, but I think there’s enough there for Cleveland to find a way to make themselves a better playoff team than they were last year. This also lets them recoup some draft capital that is basically nonexistent for them right now after the Mitchell trade.
On the Spurs side, even if Rubio is basically washed, he’s an incredibly smart and experienced PG who could do a lot to mentor the young guy that we’d be bringing in at the position, and if he needs to come in for a few minutes here and there to hold down the fort, that’s fine too - we’re not trying to be good yet. I’d be surprised if we don’t bring in a vet guard in some fashion this offseason regardless. Plus, we have to get to the salary floor before the season starts anyway; why not kill three birds with one stone on this trade?
Cleveland probably still says no. I don't know if they're quite ready to pull the plug on Allen. But I don't think it's that far off.
Pick #11 (Orlando)

• 2022: NYK trades to OKC for 3 protected first-rounders (DET (protected), WAS (protected), DEN, all 2023)
• 2018: CHA trades to LAC for pick 12 and two 2s
• 2016: ORL trades with Oladipo and Ilyasova to OKC in return for Ibaka

PROPOSAL: SAS trades TOR 1st, CHI 1st, and Doug McDermott for pick 11
Last year's trade is the easiest comparison to make on this list. Not perfect, still, but with the added context of what other trades in this range have brought back, I think it still works. The DET and WAS picks were fairly heavily protected (top 18 and lottery, respectively) and I don’t think it surprised anyone that the Nuggets pick is as late as it is, so despite it being three first rounders the overall value OKC traded wasn’t huge. Even with the Knicks having financial incentive to move off the pick, the package was pretty well in line with historical trades in this range. That said, I think people are viewing the talent around this slot higher than 2022’s at the time, so the offer might need to still be a tiny bit stronger. But one could reasonably argue the TOR pick alone is more valuable than anything else that's been given for this slot in the last 10 years.
Let's talk about the Magic a little more. Let’s say Orlando is pretty happy with what they’ve got right now, which I think they should be. Banchero was a very deserving ROTY, Franz is a bucket, and they’ve got a lot of promising supplemental pieces. They looked pretty dangerous at times last year, especially in the second half of the season when they were healthy. What they DON’T have is a lot of excess draft capital. They own Denver’s pick in 2025 which isn’t likely to be very valuable, and other than that they have only their own firsts. A trade like this allows them the chance to keep adding lottery talent into the future even if they expectedly become a consistent playoff team, and since they also have #6 this year they don’t even have to completely go without a shiny new rookie to do it. Doug is included because the return still felt a tad light to me and because Orlando was 25th in the league in 3PT% last year - it’ll help if they get a full season of Gary Harris, but if they want to make a strong run at the play-in, they might need a little more. Lots of mocks like them to take Gradey Dick here, and while McDermott obviously wouldn’t figure into their long term plans, if they’re making to look a little noise this year, McDermott is almost definitely giving them more than what Dick would as a rookie.
MY EVALUATION: This is my favorite slot to target and I think it's a fair trade for both teams. Orlando doesn't necessarily need to add two more lottery guys to their roster this year when they can conceivably make a push for the play-in with what they already have, even while still getting touches for their foundational pieces. The Spurs like McDermott and I'm sure would love to keep him around all else being equal, but I don't think they'd let him stand in the way of getting their PG of the future. It might take the CHA pick as well or maybe a bunch of seconds or something, but I think we have something here all things considered.
Pick #12 (Oklahoma City)

• 2016: ATL acquires from UTA in three-team trade (sends Jeff Teague to IND who sends George Hill to UTA)

Now this spot on the other hand... There's nothing to be done here. There’s nothing to be done here. Teague averaged 15pts and 6ast per game as a starter for 5 years in ATL with an all-star season in ‘15. Hill had slightly worse stats in 4 years as a starter in Indiana. Tre Jones plus the TOR 1st might be comparable value, but OKC doesn’t need a PG even at the backup position and they already have more future picks than they know what to do with. The scuttlebutt seems to be saying OKC will trade up if anything, which makes sense, and they certainly don’t need to do anything drastic after the improvement they showed last year and Holmgren still waiting in the wings. I’ve done plenty of looking for an angle on this pick and I just don’t see one. They’ve even got plenty of cap room and no bad salary to begin with. We’ll just move on.
Pick #13 (Toronto)

• 2022: CHA trades to NYK for a Denver 1st and four 2nds, who then trade to DET after the draft with Kemba for a Milwaukee 1st in 2025
• 2017: DEN trades to UTA for pick 24 and Trey Lyles
• 2013: DAL trades to BOS for pick 16 and two future seconds

This one needs some intro first. I have no idea what the Raps are planning to do and allegedly the team doesn’t either. Reportedly, Masai still thinks they have the ability to win now - I don’t know if that means actually winning a championship or just getting to the playoffs, but I think he’s wrong either way. Regardless, he’s such a bizarre trader that it feels impossible to predict what may or may not get a deal done. He overvalues his own players to an absurd degree, but he seems to do the same with Spurs players too. How we ever got a first rounder (that became Branham) for Thad Young and Drew Eubanks I’ll never know. So yeah, there’s certainly a recent history of swaps between us and them, one of which famously worked out amazingly and a couple others that very much didn’t.
Whatever direction Toronto does decide to go in, I think they’d be best served just making this pick. Keldon doesn’t make sense for them and we’re way past the part of the lottery where we’d even consider trading him anyway. But how about another direction?
PROPOSAL: SAS trades CHA 1st and pick 44, plus more future SRPs, and extends protection on 2024 TOR 1st to top-12 in 2024, top 10 in 2025. In return, SAS receives pick 13.
I wonder if something this simple gets it done. Maybe what we can best offer Toronto is flexibility. Maybe they carry this whole “I dunno” mentality into the season and then they’re a completely mediocre team at the trade deadline again staring down the barrel of a lost season where they probably still have to give up a pick to us that could easily fall into the 7-10 range. Would they give up #13 this year to ensure they can’t lose, say, pick #8 next year if their season falls apart? I don’t know, but maybe. With this offer, they even still get to make a couple other picks this year, and they’ve had success with late firsts and early seconds recently on drafts that looked a good deal thinner. Hell, looking at recent swaps for this slot, this even feels almost like an overpay - I think PATFO would have to be very sure about the guy they’re picking to give up a top-6 protected selection from a team in TOR’s current position.
This is the pick right now that I think is the most up in the air as far as availability - it could change dramatically over the next month depending on what sorts of conversations are happening in Raptors HQ. They could move up, they could move down, they could stand pat. I have no idea. It’s also the deal that I think has the most potential to come together extremely quickly on draft night; I could see Toronto having a couple specific guys in mind here and then scrambling to make a deal if they’re suddenly off the board.
MY EVALUATION: Raptors say no, but they think long and hard about it first.
Pick #14 (New Orleans)
Has not been traded in the last decade.
Sorry to end with a whimper, but yeah, I don’t see a deal to be made here. If they’re healthy they’ll be a team no one wants to see in the playoffs, and if they’re not, there’s nothing much they can do about it at this juncture. They’ve got plenty of future picks, they won’t want anyone on the SAS squad that we’d give up for pick 14, and there will absolutely be talent here that can help them immediately; they’re keeping this. I GUESS they might look for someone to dump Valanciunas in favor of one of the free agent Centers, but that would be kinda risky on their part and they’d probably want a return that’s less abstract than just the cap room and a few second rounders or whatever.
JUST-FOR-FUN PROPOSAL: This hilariousness.
I expect PHX to have better offers on the table for Ayton, but after his disappearing act in the playoffs I wouldn’t say it’s a certainty. Maybe they’re so tired of him that this feels like an okay return, and maybe New Orleans thinks they can unlock whatever potential might be left. This also gets the Spurs the veteran C they reportedly want; JoVal isn’t exactly an elite rim protector but he’s a heck of a rebounder and can stretch the floor on the other end.
Like I said, though, this is just for kicks anyway for the people who want a wild idea; I don’t think the Pels want Ayton and I don’t think they should.
MY EVALUATION: New Orleans says no because they're not insane and Phoenix probably does too. But it was a fun time in the trade machine.
So, just to recap...

• Picks I can’t see us getting: 6-8, 12, 14
• Probably not, but I could believe it: 5, 9, 13
• Sweet spot: 10 and 11

Pick #11 is the one I’d spend most of my time going after on the phone if I was an executive. #10 has its merits, especially because I personally like the Rubio idea a lot, but we can get a Cory Joseph or George Hill in free agency just as easily to fill that role, and the larger problem is that we’re already going to be dealing with a roster crunch that Bertans and/or McGee would exacerbate. #11 could end up costing nothing but picks that we have an excess, plus maybe McDermott, who we were perfectly willing to move at the deadline anyway and who would actually open up one of those valuable roster spots as well. I also don’t think there’s much danger in Dallas taking the guy we want if he is still on the board at 10.
Again, don’t take my proposals as any kind of hard offers; several of them I wouldn’t even support myself, as you can see. This is just meant as a quick-and-dirty (well, at least dirty) reference for what kind of value we might be looking at in these discussions.

Just feel the need to highlight how Bob’s has been ON POINT with the visuals this season, they just keep blowing me away with these gorgeous backdrops they’ve been introducing. This season is super cozy and pleasing to the eye and is, for the most part, also narratively really satisfying and well thought-out. I feel like it might have something to do with the movie, maybe it renewed some kind of vigor or something 🤣

This was out tenth season in the Post Ferguson Era and here is the gap between us and Man City: 2013/14: 22 pts (7th; City 1st)
2014/15: 9 pts (4th; City 2nd)
2015/16: GD (5th; City 4th)
2016/17: 9 pts (6th; City 3rd)
2017/18: 19 pts (2nd; City 1st)
2018/19: 32 pts (6th; City 1st)
2019/20: 15 pts (3rd; City 2nd)
2020/21: 12 pts (2nd; City 1st)
2021/22: 25 pts (6th; City 1st)
2022/23: 14 pts (3rd; City 1st)
Average: 16.9 (4.3; City 1.7)
Instead for Ten Hag to focus on winning the league he has to find out how to close the gap on City, whether it’s the Glazers, the State or Radcliffe, this gap is too much for us and for a Man United like me it’s exhausting

[Note: This was spoiler tagged automatically, but there aren't really any spoilers in here beyond extremely surface level stuff. I've tagged anything actually spoilery, and even then, it's a stretch.]
Some negatives still apply, and I really hope they fix it next time around. TotK is better, but it's still not great, and 99% of the time, it still doesn't feel like a Zelda game.

1. The dungeons still aren't real dungeons. They all follow the exact same, word-for-word format. The enemies are all identical. Sure, they are thematically distinct, but only really in visual elements and bosses - they don't bring much actual difference, and the literal exact same wording/pacing across each dungeon is far too repetitive, with the one exception being the Spirit Temple because it shatters that convention by you not even knowing you're in a dungeon until the boss battle, but in any other Zelda game, that would be a mini dungeon at most. Even if they were just substantially longer, it'd be great, but they're some of the shortest dungeons in the entire franchise. And there are so few of them, too.
   
2. Items. Yeah, we get four abilities, but I want items back. It's extremely possible to have a total freedom open world co-exist with items, and frankly, more restrictive movement abilities through a larger selection of more narrow-focus items would force you to get a lot more creative with your movement. It would open up older areas for re-exploration once you got future items, instead of offering absolutely no replayability because you have access to everything from the get-go. You know, like Zelda games have always been, right from the beginning. Having a big world isn't enough if it's empty, hence why small maps are generally far better, because there's just a ton of stuff condensed into smaller areas, and a lot more secrets to discover. Here, any chest you find is either going to be a cosmetic armour piece, or a temporary weapon or item.
   
3. The vast majority of this game is designed using the same theory as MMOs, mobile games, and other microtransaction games. It's a time waster. It's literally designed to throw a lot of similar, shallow content at you to keep you in the game longer. TotK does it far better than microtransaction games, but they've designed the entire game concept around BotW and Totk's mechanics. That's not inherently a bad thing - building is fun, contraptions are fun, but they're not why I play Zelda, and the focus on them has clearly taken away from things like story, situational puzzles (basically everything can be solved with rewind and ascend, seriously), and soul. It's good to have these elements, but these are sandbox elements, and you need something deeper too. What's more, the game promotes the concept of grinding, which is a major time waster - whether you're farming zonaite or hunting down weapons to dig through a particularly deep cave, you're spending that time doing a menial, time-consuming task intended to keep you playing the game at any cost, rather than giving you more meaningful experiences... and rather than doing both, TotK abandoned the meaningful and unique experiences.
   
4. Enemy variety is MUCH better this time around, but even though the enemy variety has practically doubled, and even introduced one or two region-specific enemies, it's still an embarrassing joke compared to classical Zelda games. It doesn't really matter if you're fighting a moblin, a bokoblin, or a lizalfos, they're all pretty much identical with slightly varying attack patterns, and those three, along with constructs (which aren't really that different either, and certainly aren't different from each other), form the vast majority of all enemies you'll encounter, no matter where you are, making fighting an enemy on a mountain identical to fighting an enemy on a beach.
   
5. There's no Vai armour.
   
6. The story was either written by AI, someone who knows absolutely nothing about writing and just wanted to throw out literally anything that could justify the existence of a game, or someone who did know how to write, but didn't care, didn't have time, and wrote one thing and copy/pasted it four times over with minor changes.
   
7. No heart pieces. Some of the most engaging puzzles in the Zelda franchise have been hunts for heart pieces (or other obscure items). Shrines are boring - we're given a basic puzzle that could be solved by a squirrel, a slightly less basic puzzle that may even require three academically gifted squirrels, and then one actual puzzle. This pattern is common in gaming, and has formed the backbone of almost every game ever made. You start off small, introducing concepts to players, then let them test those same mechanics in new ways, slowly building up to more complex designs. A great example of this is bombable walls in Minish Cap, where the first time you see a bombable wall with no cracked boulder, it's between two fences with a sign saying "beware of crumbling walls, blasting strictly prohibited." From that point on, the cues become less pronounced, like a space between two trees. But now, you know what to look for. This is why linear game design, at least to some degree, is very important, and why almost every game has some degree of linearity. This is also where TotK suffers, because there's a concept of a complete open world. They don't build on previous lessons because there are no previous lessons to build on, because they have to assume every puzzle will be your first one ever. There are some slight exceptions to this, but the vast majority of the game is conducted without this fundamental element of game design. Shrines are standalone, and the concepts introduced in one shrine never evolve outside of that shrine. Actual dungeons with unique puzzles, and items you can only get from dungeons, which unlock new areas through the items' mobility, are a great solution to this, but those items would require either more complex world design, which TotK and BotW have largely abandoned in favour of freedom, or they would require staggering out the abilities (instead of getting four right away, you'd get seven throughout the game, with the extra three bringing similar levels of freedom, like the BotW abilities, or something similar to the Dominion Rod or Gust Jar, giving you new ways to interact with objects). Personally, I would much rather return to more restrictive abilities, because they offer you far more creativity and possibility in world design and gameplay.
   
8. The Imprisoning War is already a thing, and it's a different event from what's described here. So much of TotK's lore doesn't make any sense at all unless it fits into an entirely separate timeline. Secret stone? Really? Seriously? That's the best they could come up with? Not much of a secret when people can recognise them on sight, having never seen one before, now are they? Also, how in the stars did Zelda hear the name Ganondorf and only have a subconscious uncomfy feeling about him, and not make the immediate connection to Calamity GANON????
   
9. Please let me turn off voices. Look, I speak French fluently, I can understand some Japanese, I know there are better voice actors, but I grew up with Zelda being English. I also grew up without any voice actors. Not only do they just not fit with the game, they're just awful to listen to. I don't care if you want them - you're weird for it, but by all means, keep them (with maybe better VAs), but PLEASE let me turn them off without muting the game entirely. Give me an option for silence.
   
10. I miss companions. I really miss companions. They brought personality and a LOT of story to past Zelda games. I also miss a Link with some actual personality, and a deadpan small gasp or deadpan silence to literally every single situation imaginable is pretty horrible.
    
11. I don't mind the concept of breakable weapons, but some weapons should be unbreakable. I don't think the Master Sword should ever run out of energy, especially after having its batteries charged for a continuous eon, but even if we keep that element of it, just extend that function to other unique weapons! And if the energy depletion is removed, give more functionality and unique usage to other items to compensate, like fire rods and anything that can break a boulder. Not puzzle solving items, but weapons that feel different and have different applications. Spears stab, but they don't really feel much like spears, they don't feel like they offer much extra range or function. Give them that, and you can have unbreakable regular and unique weapons that do different things. Instead of prioritising breakable weapons for survival (just grab a weapon), prioritise breakable weapons that have specific functions. I especially don't want my unique weapons that I need to spend 150 poe to rebuy, to shatter. Because you know what I do instead? I never end up using them. I collect the unique ones. And worse, there's absolutely no storage that I have yet to find, for any weapons. So your inventory will fill up with the ones you don't want to break.
    
12. Beach, mountain, island, desert, who cares? It all feels the same. The music's the same, the enemies are the same, you don't need any unique abilities or items (except regional survival armours) or even different ways of thinking. There's no environmental hazards that you can't just solve by putting on a different armour, like the rocks falling from Death Mountain in Ocarina of Time, or gusts of wind that force you to use the Iron Boots in Wind Waker, or areas that require different perspectives to access every area by form shifting like Twilight Princess, Minish Cap, Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, and A Link Between Worlds. Or time/season shifting, like... too many Zelda games to name. The only exceptions to this are the Gerudo Desert during the sandstorm, which is actually one of the few areas that makes this feel like a Zelda game, and the Depths before you discover the area's lightroot (but only when you first dive in, because after that it really just gets tedious). There's no actual difference between these places in how you play the game, nor in the soul of the locations, and when you add a lack of meaningful discoveries in there, there's absolutely no reason to explore, which is the entire point of the game.
    
13. There's no Zelda music. There might be the occasional note, but no classical Zelda music at all. No Hyrule theme. Nothing recognisable from any previous game (barring Botw). A good soundtrack is really important for a game, and prior to BotW, Zelda has always had incredible soundtracks that have elevated the game so, so much.
    
14. I'm taking the lack of a Vai armour as a personal insult.
    

There's a lot I really don't like, far too much to go through here, and I'm just crossing my fingers for an actual Zelda game at some point in the future. A real, proper Zelda game. And it breaks my heart that the series I loved is most likely dead for good. And with how long BotW took to come out, and how long TotK took to release after that, I have a feeling we won't be seeing another new Zelda game for a decade yet. Yes, they did a wonderful job with the physics, but that's not why I play Zelda. If I cared about vehicles, I'd go play an actual survival game. It may be mechanically impressive, but it offers absolutely no Zelda experience, nor any challenging gameplay. And they could have had both, they could have had a well-written, engaging story, they could have had more enemies, they could have had proper music, and they could have given us the Vai armour, whose assets exist already ready to go, and they actively chose not to. Even if you want to argue that it was somehow outside of their abilities or budget to create more enemy variety and better music (which is ridiculous), they made a conscious, purposeful decision to create a shoddy story that a raccoon could have outperformed. They could have done everything they wanted and still given us a proper Zelda game, and they chose to deny us that.
After BotW's DLC, and how similar TotK is, I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever that TotK's DLC will be at all a meaningful experience, not when TotK itself hasn't been. Maybe we'll get a new top-down view game, which would basically force them to return to a classical Zelda philosophy of game design, or a remake or remaster of a previous game, like the Oracle games, or a re-release of Twilight Princess or Wind Waker on the Switch or whatever the next console turns out to be. And yeah, rereleases would be great, because it's been so long since I've played them. Provided they don't remove good elements of the game or dumb-down engaging features like the OoT and MM remasters did, I'd be very happy with that. But I want new Zelda games. New experiences. New stories and new versions of Link, and I want them from a 3D perspective as well.
And it makes me sad that I'll probably never have that again.

Intel Extreme Masters Dallas 2023

• Organizer: ESL
• Type: LAN
• Location: 🇺🇸 Dallas, USA
• Date: May 29th - June 4th, 2023
• Prize Pool: $250,000
• Teams: 16
• Media: Event Homepage Twitter Facebook YouTube Instagram
• Coverage: Liquipedia HLTV

Streams

ESL: Twitch A Twitch B YouTube ESL TV Polish Spanish (Twitch) Spanish (YouTube)
Other: Finnish Hungarian Portuguese German Spanish

Format

Group Stage

• Double-elimination bracket (GSL Format)
• Two groups of eight teams each
• Best-of-one opening matches
• Best-of-three following matches
• Group winners advance to the semifinals
• Group 2nd and 3rd place teams advance to the quarterfinals

Playoffs

• Single-elimination bracket
• Best-of-three matches

Broadcast Talent

Stage Hosts

🇺🇸 DarfMike (Mike Winnick)
🇬🇧 James Banks (James Banks)

Desk Hosts

🇬🇧 Freya (Freya Spiers)
🇺🇸 stunna (Tres Saranthus)

Analysts

🇨🇭 Maniac (Mathieu Quiquerez)
🇺🇸 Mauisnake (Alex Ellenberg)
🇷🇸 YNk (Janko Paunović)

Casters

A Stream

🇬🇧 Dinko (Adam Hawthorne)
🇺🇸 moses (Jason O'Toole)
🇬🇧 Machine (Alex Richardson)
🇦🇺 SPUNJ (Chad Burchill)

B Stream

🇩🇰 Anders (Anders Blume)
🇬🇧 HenryG (Henry Greer)
🇬🇧 Hawka (Alex Hawkins)
🇬🇧 James Bardolph (James Bardolph)[=

Teams

ESL Partner Teams

🌎 Complexity Gaming: 🇨🇦 FaNg 🇺🇸 floppy 🇺🇸 Grim 🇳🇴 hallzerk 🇿🇦 JT 🇿🇦 Sonic Coach: 🇿🇦 T.c
🇪🇺 ENCE: 🇵🇱 dycha 🇲🇪 Maden 🇮🇱 NertZ 🇩🇰 Snappi 🇪🇸 SunPayus Coach: 🇫🇮 sAw
🇧🇷 FURIA Esports: 🇧🇷 arT 🇧🇷 drop 🇧🇷 KSCERATO 🇧🇷 saffee 🇧🇷 yuurih Coach: 🇧🇷 guerri
🇪🇺 G2 Esports: 🇩🇰 HooXi 🇧🇦 huNter- 🇦🇺 jks 🇷🇺 m0NESY 🇧🇦 NiKo Coach: 🇩🇪 Swani
🇩🇰 Heroic: 🇩🇰 cadiaN 🇩🇰 Jabbi 🇩🇰 sjuush 🇩🇰 stavn 🇩🇰 TeSeS Coach: 🇸🇪 Xizt
🇺🇸 Team Liquid: 🇺🇸 EliGE 🇨🇦 NAF 🇺🇸 nitr0 🇺🇸 oSee 🇱🇻 YEKINDAR Coach: 🇨🇦 daps
 

ESL World Ranking

🇺🇸 Evil Geniuses: 🇺🇸 autimatic 🇺🇸 Brehze 🇰🇿 neaLaN 🇩🇰 refrezh 🇺🇸 wiz Coach: 🇩🇰 Vorborg
🇪🇺 FaZe Clan: 🇱🇻 broky 🇩🇰 karrigan 🇳🇴 rain 🇪🇪 ropz 🇨🇦 Twistzz Coach: 🇸🇪 RobbaN
🇪🇺 MOUZ: 🇦🇺 dexter 🇸🇰 frozen 🇩🇪 JDC 🇭🇺 torzsi 🇮🇱 xertioN Coach: 🇩🇰 sycrone
 

Qualifiers

🌎 9z Team: 🇦🇷 buda 🇨🇱 dav1deuS 🇺🇾 dgt 🇺🇾 max 🇦🇷 try Coach: 🇧🇷 tge
🇩🇰 Astralis: 🇩🇰 Altekz 🇩🇰 blameF 🇩🇰 Buzz 🇩🇰 dev1ce 🇩🇰 gla1ve Coach: 🇩🇰 casle
🇷🇺 Cloud9: 🇷🇺 Ax1Le 🇰🇿 buster 🇰🇿 HObbit 🇷🇺 nafany 🇷🇺 sh1ro Coach: 🇷🇺 groove
🇪🇺 Fnatic: 🇸🇪 f0rest 🇳🇱 FASHR 🇬🇧 mezii 🇩🇰 nicoodoz 🇩🇰 roeJ Coach: 🇬🇧 keita
🇦🇺 Grayhound Gaming: 🇦🇺 aliStair 🇦🇺 INS 🇦🇺 Liazz 🇳🇿 Sico 🇦🇺 Vexite
🇺🇸 Nouns Esports: 🇺🇸 Bwills 🇺🇸 cJ 🇺🇸 cynic 🇲🇽 MarKE 🇺🇸 nosraC Coach: 🇨🇦 SEMPHIS
🇪🇺 OG: 🇵🇱 F1KU 🇮🇱 flameZ 🇨🇿 NEOFRAG 🇩🇰 niko 🇷🇴 regali Coach: 🇩🇰 ruggah
 

Schedule

Match times are often susceptible to delay & change.
This thread may not update till the end of each day. Check [HLTV]() for a more up to date schedule.
To predict your own tournament bracket, try out pickstop.gg

Day 1 (Monday May 29)

ID	Team	vs	Team	PDT	EDT	BRT	UTC	CET	EET	IST	SGT	AEDT	Format
AUQF	🇧🇷 FURIA	vs	🇪🇺 OG	09:00	12:00	13:00	16:00	18:00	19:00	21:30	00:00	02:00	bo1
AUQF	🇪🇺 G2	vs	🇺🇸 Nouns	09:00	12:00	13:00	16:00	18:00	19:00	21:30	00:00	02:00	bo1
AUQF	🇩🇰 Heroic	vs	🌎 9z	10:15	13:15	14:15	17:15	19:15	20:15	22:45	01:15	03:15	bo1
AUQF	🇪🇺 fnatic	vs	🇪🇺 MOUZ	10:15	13:15	14:15	17:15	19:15	20:15	22:45	01:15	03:15	bo1
BUQF	🇪🇺 FaZe	vs	🇺🇸 EG	11:30	14:30	15:30	18:30	20:30	21:30	00:00	02:30	04:30	bo1
BUQF	🇪🇺 ENCE	vs	🌎 COL	11:30	14:30	15:30	18:30	20:30	21:30	00:00	02:30	04:30	bo1
BUQF	🇺🇸 Liquid	vs	🇩🇰 Astralis	12:45	15:45	16:45	19:45	21:45	22:45	01:15	03:45	05:45	bo1
BUQF	🇷🇺 Cloud9	vs	🇦🇺 Grayhound	12:45	15:45	16:45	19:45	21:45	22:45	01:15	03:45	05:45	bo1
AUSF	AUQF Winner	vs	AUQF Winner	14:00	17:00	18:00	21:00	23:00	00:00	02:30	05:00	07:00	bo3
AL1	AUQF Loser	vs	AUQF Loser	14:00	17:00	18:00	21:00	23:00	00:00	02:30	05:00	07:00	bo3
AUSF	AUQF Winner	vs	AUQF Winner	17:30	20:30	21:30	00:30	02:30	03:30	06:00	08:30	10:30	bo3
AL1	AUQF Loser	vs	AUQF Loser	17:30	20:30	21:30	00:30	02:30	03:30	06:00	08:30	10:30	bo3

Day 2 (Tuesday May 30)

ID	Team	vs	Team	PDT	EDT	BRT	UTC	CET	EET	IST	SGT	AEDT	Format
BL1	BUQF Loser	vs	BUQF Loser	09:00	12:00	13:00	16:00	18:00	19:00	21:30	00:00	02:00	bo3
BL1	BUQF Loser	vs	BUQF Loser	09:00	12:00	13:00	16:00	18:00	19:00	21:30	00:00	02:00	bo3
BUSF	BUQF Winner	vs	BUQF Winner	12:30	15:30	16:30	19:30	21:30	22:30	01:00	03:30	05:30	bo3
ALSF	AL1 Winner	vs	AUSF Loser	12:30	15:30	16:30	19:30	21:30	22:30	01:00	03:30	05:30	bo3
BUSF	BUQF Winner	vs	BUQF Winner	16:00	19:00	20:00	23:00	01:00	02:00	04:30	07:00	09:00	bo3
ALSF	AL1 Winner	vs	AUSF Loser	16:00	19:00	20:00	23:00	01:00	02:00	04:30	07:00	09:00	bo3

Day 3 (Wednesday May 31)

ID	Team	vs	Team	PDT	EDT	BRT	UTC	CET	EET	IST	SGT	AEDT	Format
BLSF	BL1 Winner	vs	BUSF Loser	09:00	12:00	13:00	16:00	18:00	19:00	21:30	00:00	02:00	bo3
BLSF	BL1 Winner	vs	BUSF Loser	09:00	12:00	13:00	16:00	18:00	19:00	21:30	00:00	02:00	bo3
AUF	AUSF Winner	vs	AUSF Winner	12:30	15:30	16:30	19:30	21:30	22:30	01:00	03:30	05:30	bo3
ALF	ALSF Winner	vs	ALSF Winner	12:30	15:30	16:30	19:30	21:30	22:30	01:00	03:30	05:30	bo3
BUF	BUSF Winner	vs	BUSF Winner	16:00	19:00	20:00	23:00	01:00	02:00	04:30	07:00	09:00	bo3
BLF	BLSF Winner	vs	BLSF Winner	16:00	19:00	20:00	23:00	01:00	02:00	04:30	07:00	09:00	bo3

Day 4 (Friday June 2)

ID	Team	vs	Team	PDT	EDT	BRT	UTC	CET	EET	IST	SGT	AEDT	Format
QF	Group 2nd	vs	Group 3rd	11:30	14:30	15:30	18:30	20:30	21:30	00:00	02:30	04:30	bo3
QF	Group 2nd	vs	Group 3rd	15:00	18:00	19:00	22:00	00:00	01:00	03:30	06:00	08:00	bo3

Day 5 (Saturday June 3)

ID	Team	vs	Team	PDT	EDT	BRT	UTC	CET	EET	IST	SGT	AEDT	Format
SF	Group 1st	vs	QF Winner	09:30	12:30	13:30	16:30	18:30	19:30	22:00	00:30	02:30	bo3
SF	Group 1st	vs	QF Winner	13:00	16:00	17:00	20:00	22:00	23:00	01:30	04:00	06:00	bo3

Day 6 (Sunday June 4)

ID	Team	vs	Team	PST	EST	BRT	UTC	CET	EET	IST	SGT	AEDT	Format
GF	SF Winner	vs	SF Winner	11:30	14:30	15:30	18:30	20:30	21:30	00:00	02:30	04:30	bo3

Prize Pool

#	Prize	Team
1st	$100,000
2nd	$42,000
3rd - 4th	$20,000
3rd - 4th	$20,000
5th - 6th	$10,000
5th - 6th	$10,000
7th - 8th	$6,000
7th - 8th	$6,000
9th - 12th	$5,000
9th - 12th	$5,000
9th - 12th	$5,000
9th - 12th	$5,000
13th - 16th	$4,000
13th - 16th	$4,000
13th - 16th	$4,000
13th - 16th	$4,000

Other match discussions: globaloffensive on Discord
For overview replays of pro matches, check out csgolens.com

Other Notable Tournaments

🇪🇺 CCT Online Finals #1 (May 23 - 30)
🇪🇺 BetBoom Playlist. Freedom (May 1 - 31)
🇺🇸 ESL Impact League Season 3 (June 6 - 4)

Hello everyone, currently I'm trying to do a modded playthrough of the thieves guild, but every time I get to the loading screen after Mercer Frey's betrayal, it crashes to the home screen, unbaling me to play the playthrough. here's my load order if you need it;
USSEP
Campfire
eFPS
Lux Master file
Lux Resources
Lux Via Master file
Insignificant object remover
Swift Kingdom
Echelon
Lightly Populated settlements
Radiance
Cheat Room
Lore Based Loading Screens
Realistic Waterfall sounds
Quieter dungeons and caves
Heart of the Beast - Feral Werewolf
Immersive sounds compendium
Nordic SkyHUD
Nordic UI
Sovngarde - A Nordic Font
Kontrol
Realistic Impacts
No spinning death animation
XP32 Maximum Skeleton + Realistic Ragdolls and Force
Smeltdown Update
Faction Overhaul
Equipment Flexibility Project
Cloaks and Capes 1k
Ordinator
Odin - Skyrim magic overhaul
Odin and Ordinator Compatibility
Werewolf hunger
More Werewolves
Diverse Werewolves Collection Lite
Canis Hysteria
Moonlight Tales
Werewolf hunger and Moonlight tales patch
Werewolf - Power
Unlimited Werewolf Transformations
Werewolf Claws affect spider webs
Smart no more stupid dog comments
Get Immersive Cheats
YOT
Supernatural Strength
Wear multiple rings
The Dragonborn Dreams
Training Dummies and Targets
Holidays
Financial Crisis
50 Pct more Perk points
Perk points and more Gold for bounties
Perk Points at skill level 50, 75, 100
Dragon Souls to perk points
Ineed
Frostfall
Busty Skeevers
Vibrant Weapon Lite
Surreal Lighting
Obsidian Weathers and Seasons
True Storms
Obsidian Weathers and True Storms patch
KS Hairdoos Lite Lighter Salt and Wind
Definitive Beauty Pack - Males
CBBE
Salt and Wind for Vanilla Fixed
(Textures) Botox
RS Children Optimized - Salt and Wind
Natural Eyes
Beards
Imperious - Races of Skyrim
R.A.S.S
There will be Blood and Bubbles Lite
Divine Creatures texture pack
Divine Canines
Convenient Horses
Vampire Lord Overhaul 1k
Skyrim Horse Renewal 1k
Bears of the North
Diverse Dragon Collection
Serio's Enhanced Dragons
Alduin Retexture Orange No Glow
Cinematic Dragon Soul Absorption
Dynamic Combat + eskyrim animations
DAR NPC and Player animations redux
GDB's the Revenge
Large Stagger Animation
Elden Ring parry animations
Auto Unequip Shields to back
Equip to Back
Patch for Back shields and Cloaks of Skyrim
Skysa Dual wield parrying
Super Fast get up animation
Stronger Swimming animations
Vanargard Animations - One handed Stance
Violens
Skyland AIO
Happy Little Trees
Cathedral Grass Standalone
Fantasy Flora Takeover redux
landscape fixes for grass mods
JK Skyrim AIO
eFPS jk skyrim patch
Deadly shadows in Riften
Landscapes for Grass mods, JK skyrim patch
After the Civil War - Siege Damage Repair
House of Horrors quest expansion
The Paarthurnax Dilemma
Dragonborn and Dawnguard delayed
Serana Dialogue Add-on
SDA convenient horses patch
SDA Campfire Patch
SDA House of Horrors patch
Queen of the damned - Deadlier Serana
Hedy's Serana Replacer CBBE
A Quality World Map - Clear Map
Realistic Water 2
SKYRIM BORDER HOLDS
Improved Bandits - Complete Bandit overhaul
Andromeda - Unique Standing Stones
Dead NPC Cleaner
Better Intimidation
Ai Overhaul Lite
Alt Start
Alt Start - New Beginnings
Skyrim Repuation - Mysteriously Fixed, Patched, and Improved
Sneak Tools
Realistic AI Detection Medium
Cheat Room Moon Light tales patch
Jayserpa's line expansions
RDO
RDO USSEP patch
RDO SDA patch
RPG overhaul - Full
Seasonal Wildlife distribution
Wild World SE
Immersive Patrols
Realistic Conversations
Proper Aiming
Splendor Dragon Variants
Less Vanilla Trees - Balanced
Lux Via Plugin
Lux
Lux/Jk skyrim patch
I appreciate all of the help I can get! I would really enjoy a stable and optimized experience.

I am considering filing a lawsuit I wrote. Do you think this has merit?
The Plaintiff is the proprietor of two businesses, namely [*], which is an electronic repair service, and [], an online retail business. Both of these businesses have a physical presence in [***].
In early 2020, the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic triggered unprecedented economic disruptions globally. Both of Plaintiff’s businesses, [*] and [*], were heavily impacted by these disruptions and faced severe financial setbacks.
Given the distressing circumstances, the Plaintiff, in his capacity as a small business owner, applied for two separate EIDL loans under the provisions of the CARES Act in order to offset the economic hardships caused by the pandemic. It is important to note that the Small Business Administration (SBA) is responsible for the implementation and administration of these provisions.
On June 8, 2020, the Plaintiff received a notification from the SBA, stating that the EIDL application for [****] had been approved. This approval entailed an Advance Grant amounting to $1,000.00 and an EIDL loan amounting to $1,500.00.
On June 16, 2020, the Plaintiff entered into an agreement with the SBA by signing the Loan Authorization and Agreement (LA&A) contract. Subsequently, on June 18, 2020, the SBA transferred the EIDL loan amount of $1,500 into the Plaintiff's personal bank account.
On June 25, 2020, the SBA initiated the transfer of the Advance Grant of $1,000.00 to the Plaintiff's personal bank account. However, this transfer was not successful and was returned to the SBA by the bank.
On June 26, 2020, the Plaintiff was informed via an email from his bank that the deposit of $1,000.00 made by the SBA had been returned to the depositor. The bank attributed this reversal to a discrepancy between the name on the deposit and the name registered on the bank account. This happened despite the successful deposit of the EIDL loan amount on June 18, 2020, indicating an error from the SBA's end as no changes were made to the account details by the Plaintiff. Over the course of the two years, the Plaintiff repeatedly reached out to the SBA for a resolution to this problem, but his pleas fell on deaf ears.
Contrary to the treatment of the application of [*], the EIDL application for [*] was denied by the SBA. Plaintiff received the denial notification on July 6, 2020, Plaintiff received an email From the SBA which contained a decline letter which stated, "Unfortunately, although we have made every effort to approve your loan request, we are unable to offer you a Economic Injury Disaster Loan (EIDL) for the reason(s) described below. Not Eligible: The SBA has been unable to verify the existence of an eligible business as reflected in the application. The SBA has been unsuccessful in our attempts to obtain documentation from multiple sources (public records) and we attempted to obtain documentation from you that would validate the existence of your business." Plaintiff disputes the SBA's claim to have "attempted to obtain documentation" from the plaintiff. The only time the SBA had reached out prior to the decline letter was On July 2, 2020, Plaintiff received a voicemail from the SBA asking Plaintiff to select a loan amount and submit for final approval.
On July 21, 2020, the plaintiff initiated contact with the SBA regarding the returned grant and the declined EIDL appliction. In a conversation with SBA Disaster Customer Service Representative Rossana M. Nuno, she explained her inability to provide case-specific advice or information. Instead, she could only offer general information about the program. The Plaintiff was informed that due to the depletion of funds, the Advance program had been terminated on July 13, 2020. The money that had initially been allocated to the Plaintiff for the Advanced Grant was no longer available. Plaintiff contended that this was a failure on the part of the SBA, that they had made a mistake sending the deposit and that it was their fiduciary duty to correct it. Nuno promise to make a note of it and notify her supervisors of the issue. The plaintiff managed to update their bank account details during this conversation in hopes that further errors would be avoided, and Nuno instructed the plaintiff to reach out to the Reconsideration Department for inquiries about the declined application and potential adjustments to the existing loan agreement At this stage, the plaintiff emphasized to Nuno that the applications were for separate business entities. Further she emailed the reconsideration instructions to both business entities.
On October 6, 2020, the plaintiff sent the first request for reconsideration letter to the SBA, attaching the documents as instructed by Nuno. The letter detailed the plaintiff's newness to business operations, the mistakes they'd made in financial and bookkeeping aspects, and the rectification of these errors. It also declared the filing of an Amended Tax Return for the years 2018 & 2019, which was still being processed by the IRS. The plaintiff included various supporting documents, including Business Bank information, State Identification, Driver's license, Social Security Card, Business registration with the Oregon Secretary of State, and IRS Form SS-4 assigning the business an EIN.
The SBA began a cycle of communication with the plaintiff from October 13, 2020, often requesting documents already submitted or requiring additional ones. Despite providing the necessary paperwork such as tax returns, Form 4506-T, and proof of identity, the SBA seemed to overlook the prior submissions and requested them repeatedly. This pattern continued until late December 2020, leading to significant frustration on the plaintiff's part.
On November 8, 2020, and several subsequent dates, the plaintiff sought to inquire about the status of their applications. However, these efforts yielded no responses from the SBA.
On January 7, 2021, the SBA responded with concerns about perceived discrepancies between the two applications, including different financials, number of employees, and Employer Identification Numbers (EINs), and the reported revenue. The plaintiff clarified that the applications were for two separate business entities with distinct financials, employees, and EINs. The plaintiff speculated that the SBA might have been misled by the similarity in trade names of the two businesses.
The plaintiff's dissatisfaction with the SBA's treatment escalated by March 2021. They composed a detailed letter of appeal on March 25, 2021, where they voiced their struggles, highlighted the separateness of the two businesses, and expressed their irritation with the SBA's repetitive requests for already provided documents. This letter also contained a plea for the SBA to take their case more seriously and to expedite the application process.
In a disappointing development on March 28, 2021, the SBA sent another email requesting more documentation. Many of the requested items were documents that the plaintiff had submitted multiple times in the past. Feeling helpless and dissatisfied with the SBA's handling of their case, the plaintiff turned to the office of U.S. Congress Member Kurt Schrader. They submitted a comprehensive summary of their ordeal, detailing the SBA's apparent disregard of their explanations, the repeated requests for documents, and their overall grievances with the SBA's treatment of their businesses.
On March 29, 2021, the plaintiff received an email from Alvin Klausen, a Field Representative from the Office of Congressman Kurt Schrader. In his email, Klausen requested further clarification on the issues at hand and asked for supporting documents to bolster the plaintiff's case.
The plaintiff also received a somewhat reassuring email from Vanessa R., an SBA Customer Service Center Representative, acknowledging receipt of the plaintiff's documentation. She stated, "We have notated the file with the information provided. We forwarded your email and attachment(s) to our Processing and Disbursement Center for review and file association." Even so, the SBA continued to ask for documentation that they had already received.
Two days later, on March 31, 2021, the plaintiff sent another email to Alvin Klausen, this time detailing their grievances against the SBA. The email was a passionate plea for recognition and change, highlighting several key issues. These included perceived discrimination by the SBA against the smallest businesses, a 'delay and deny' tactic used by the SBA, and repeated requests for duplicate information that were both tiresome and confusing. The plaintiff also questioned the SBA's ability to manage information and records effectively, attributing their struggles to the organization's mismanagement. They expressed a desire for accountability and reform, making it clear that while they wanted their personal issues addressed, they also hoped for broader changes within the SBA to benefit all small businesses.
On April 3, 2021, the plaintiff was taken aback by an email from the SBA, which stated, "We have received multiple applications from your business for economic injury as a result of Coronavirus (COVID-19). Your earliest application will continue to be processed, and we have withdrawn application number *****1116 from active consideration." The plaintiff felt this statement was fundamentally incorrect, as they had applied for two distinct businesses, each with separate financials, employees, and EINs. They reiterated that both businesses were in operation before January 1st, 2020, and both had suffered economic injury due to Covid-19. The plaintiff insisted that according to the CARES Act, both applications were valid and deserving of consideration.
A promising development occurred on April 7, 2021, when the plaintiff received an email from Alvin Klausen, stating that a Congressional inquiry had been submitted on their behalf. This offered a glimmer of hope, indicating that their struggle was gaining attention at higher levels and might lead to some resolution.
On April 13, 2021, a communication came from the Small Business Administration (SBA) Loan Officer, Ayesha Babar. She requested additional supporting documents for the plaintiff's application, explicitly mentioning the application number *****0742. The language in the email underscored the urgent necessity for the plaintiff to complete a particular form, with a clear warning: failure to provide the requested Form 4506-T within a week could lead to denial of the plaintiff's aid request. This gave rise to questions about the SBA's policies, especially whether this time-constrained requirement was a standard SBA policy or the discretion of an individual loan officer.
Just a day later, on April 14, 2021, another email from Babar arrived. It sought further information to move forward with the loan modification process and, importantly, put forth a request for immediate communication, either via a phone call or an email response. The email contained an explicit timeline: a response was needed within two days, or else the plaintiff's request could be labeled as 'not interested'.
These interactions highlight the SBA's conduct, characterized by an exigency that seemed to border on the arbitrary, as per the plaintiff's perspective. From a seven-day deadline for document submission to a two-day ultimatum for a call-back, the SBA's approach was perceived as a high-pressure tactic. This conduct raised serious questions about the equitable treatment of loan applicants and the management of relief funds intended to support small businesses during the pandemic.
On April 15, 2021, the plaintiff was contacted via email by Anna Rose, an SBA Loan Specialist, who was appointed as an advocate for the plaintiff's case. Rose expressed her intention to address the plaintiff's increase request and suggested a direct phone conversation for further clarification on the outstanding issues.
A telephonic conversation between the plaintiff and Rose took place the same day, during which the plaintiff articulated the hurdles encountered in the reconsideration process. Rose admitted she hadn't previously reviewed the plaintiff's provided documentation or any prior emails related to the case, though she was aware of the congressional inquiry initiated on the plaintiff's behalf.
Throughout the discussion, the plaintiff reiterated multiple points, clarified the nature of their "Qualified Joint Venture" tax status as opposed to a 1065 Partnership, highlighted the separation of business entities, and raised several issues previously discussed with the SBA. The issue of the missing Advance Grant portion was frequently brought up by the plaintiff. Although Rose acknowledged this concern, she clarified her lack of involvement in the advance program and asked the plaintiff to be patient.
Rose, in her capacity as advocate, took on an advisory role, guiding the plaintiff through the process, and requesting various supporting documents, including the original 2019 Federal Tax Return, SBA Form 2202 Schedule of Liabilities, IRS Tax Form 4506-T, and a Partnership Agreement. The SBA appeared to be in a thorough review phase, trying to ensure that all the necessary documentation was in order.
A significant aspect of these interactions was the decision to request an updated 2019 Tax Transcript from the IRS. Rose, on April 20, 2021, indicated that the utilization of the amended tax return figures (as opposed to the original ones) could lead to a larger loan amount for the plaintiff. However, this move, framed by Rose as the goal, was made without explicitly providing the plaintiff an opportunity to make an informed decision or explaining the implications of such a request. It was clear that the objective of leveraging the amended tax return for a higher loan amount was initiated by the SBA, specifically Rose, and not the plaintiff. This suggests an attempt by the SBA to maximize the available support for the plaintiff, albeit with a lack of transparency in communicating the possible consequences and constraints.
As the discussions between the plaintiff and SBA Loan Specialist Anna Rose progressed in April and May 2021, the focus remained on the plaintiff's amended tax return and the corresponding IRS transcripts, pivotal elements in the loan reconsideration process. In these communications, Anna Rose called for the submission of multiple forms, including IRS Form 4506-T.
A crucial point arose on May 6th, 2021 when Rose falsely reported to the Plaintiff that the IRS hadn't processed the plaintiff's amended tax return. This assertion was in direct contradiction to the plaintiff's records showing the return's adjustment, finalization, and subsequent payment.
Furthermore, when the SBA received Plaintiffs tax transcripts on April 23, 2021, and May 3, 2021, they both showed that the tax return had been processed. This fact was withheld by the SBA and kept from the Plaintiff. It would only be revealed in the Freedom of Information Act Request that Plaintiff acquired in 2022.
Rose then suggested that the plaintiff wait for the processing of the amended tax return before incorporating the amended gross revenue numbers. Plaintiff is told by Rose, "you can wait a couple of months until the amended tax return has been processed. This is the only way we will be able to go off of the AMENDED gross revenue." Plaintiff is told this despite having satisfied the requirements as stated by Rose on April 20, 2021, "This transcript should show that an AMENDED RETURN was filed. That's all the information that I need in order to use your AMENDED Tax Return figures."
Most notably, Rose informed the plaintiff of a policy that limits the resubmission of Form 4506-T to every 60 days or a couple of months. However, neither the SBA nor the IRS has an established policy restricting the submission of Form 4506-T to every 60 days. This alleged policy seems inconsistent with the Covid Relief Acts' guidelines and raises questions about its applicability and fairness. As a result, the invocation of this policy by Rose marks a significant point of contention in the loan modification process with the SBA.
On May 7, 2021, the plaintiff forwarded a screenshot from the IRS website confirming the completion of their tax amendment and questioned whether this would influence the decision.
Ten days later, on May 17th, 2021, despite the plaintiff's evidence, Rose indicated that the agency lacked confirmation that the plaintiff's amended tax return had been processed. The transcript's absence resulted in a significant discrepancy in potential loan amounts based on the reported gross revenue. Rose restated the need to wait 60 days from May 6, 2021, before reordering the tax transcripts.
The next day, the plaintiff was informed by Rose that their file had been forwarded to another department for assistance with the requested increase. This abrupt transition was given without detailed explanation, leaving the plaintiff uncertain about the next steps in the process. In response, the plaintiff voiced their frustration and confusion over the lack of clarity, and the perceived lack of assistance from the SBA.
Finally, Rose clarified that the plaintiff's file had been forwarded to the funding department to handle the increase request, citing that she had no control over this change. For any queries related to the advance funds, she directed the plaintiff to the customer service department.
On May 25, 2021, SBA Loan Specialist Austin Ross communicated with the plaintiff via email, requesting further details about the partnership filing status on the recently amended Federal Tax Return. Ross specifically states that the loan modification could not be processed until there was clarification of his business's 1065 partnership tax status. This was despite the plaintiff having shared this information multiple times in prior communications with various SBA representatives.
In response, the plaintiff reiterated the pertinent details to Ross and sought a definitive list of remaining requirements to finalize the aid request. A phone conversation between the two provided an opportunity for the plaintiff to clarify multiple points around the amended tax return, the nature of the “Qualified Joint Venture” tax status as opposed to a 1065 partnership, separation of business entities and ownership, the completion of the tax return, among other issues.
Following this conversation, Ross sent a summary email presenting two courses of action: waiting for the IRS to process the updated tax transcripts or proceeding based on the existing application details. However, discrepancies arose in Ross' recounting of the conversation, primarily concerning the waiting period for tax transcripts, the establishment of a loan modification, and the plaintiff's interest in the Targeted Advance program. Contrary to the plaintiff's stated intent to proceed correctly with the loan process and accept a loan amount commensurate to their qualifications, Ross miscommunicated this as the plaintiff preferring to wait for the updated tax transcripts due to potential differences in loan amounts.
Additionally, Ross indicated that the SBA could create a loan modification based on the existing application data, while the SBA subsequently sent a decline letter for the loan modification on June 12, 2021. Moreover, Ross's assertion that the plaintiff showed interest in applying for the Targeted Advance program misconstrued the plaintiff's wish to address the issue of the returned EIDL grant.
In closing his email, Ross expressed enthusiasm to continue working with the plaintiff, but his actions did not align with these words. The plaintiff's subsequent attempts to reach Ross through phone calls, messages, and emails went unanswered. Over a period of the next three months plaintiff would call and email Ross multiple times only to be completely ignored by Ross. This pattern of discrepancies between Ross's written statements and the actual actions of the SBA amplified the plaintiff's frustration and perceived mismanagement of their case by the SBA.
On May 28, 2021,the plaintiff received a communication from SBA Loan Specialist Dave Dubois, demanding additional documentation that didn't pertain to the nature of the plaintiff's business. These included requests for proof of an active insurance policy and board resolution providing authorization for the loan. These requests were glaringly irrelevant, considering the plaintiff operated without a board of directors and did not require an insurance policy to conduct his business. This demonstrates an apparent lack of understanding or consideration of the plaintiff's business model by the SBA.
A significant development occurred on June 12, 2021, when the plaintiff received an email from the SBA, attached with a letter dated April 3, 2021, stating that his request for a loan modification had been declined due to "Unverifiable Information." The letter claimed that during the loan underwriting process, the SBA encountered issues with the validity of some of the information the plaintiff submitted. The plaintiff was particularly perplexed because the decision to decline the loan modification was apparently made on April 3, 2021, but was only communicated to the plaintiff over two months later, exposing an egregious delay of more than two months in the SBA's communication. This decision predates the assignment of SBA Loan Specialist Anna Rose as the plaintiff's case advocate.
Seeking clarification, on June 24, 2021, the plaintiff emailed SBA Loan Specialist Austin Ross, attaching the SBA decline letter and the letter from Dave Dubois, and asked for an update on his loan modification status. However, this attempt to gain insights into his application status was also met with silence; Ross never responded to the plaintiff's inquiry. This further highlights the communication inconsistencies and lack of transparency in the handling of the plaintiff's case by the SBA.
These events draw a critical spotlight on the SBA's handling of the plaintiff's case, particularly emphasizing the disconnect in communication, a failure to comprehend the business's nature, the delayed disclosure of vital decisions, and a persistent lack of response from SBA representative Austin Ross.
On June 24, 2021, the plantiff made an attempt to resolve the ongoing loan modification issues by reaching out to multiple SBA representatives, including SBA Loan Specialist Anna Rose. Rose's response, however, was perplexing. Despite her role, she expressed unawareness of the decline letter and shifted responsibility, putting the onus on the plaintiff for not accepting a purported loan increase — an offer that, to the plaintiff's knowledge, had never been formally made.
Most importantly, Rose laid down stringent requirements, instructing the plaintiff to provide a fully processed and IRS-stamped amended tax return along with an updated and signed 4506-T form, underscoring the red tape marring the SBA's process. Furthermore, Rose highlighted that 60 days had passed since the last transcript was received, implying that the plaintiff needed to hasten his interaction with the IRS — another burden imposed on the plaintiff.
The SBA on July 1, 2021 reiterated the loan decline decision — a decision made three months prior on April 3, 2021, but uncommunicated until June 12.
In response to the array of impediments, the plaintiff kept pushing forward, providing the requested IRS transcript to Rose on July 21 and formally objecting to the decline on July 22. This well-articulated objection included necessary documentation, a fresh IRS Form 4506-T, and a specific request to move forward with the loan modification.
Throughout this convoluted process, the SBA, particularly through the actions of Rose and Ross, demonstrated an alarming level of inefficiency, bureaucratic entanglement, and unresponsiveness. The persistent silence, stringent requirements, lack of clear communication, and the controversial 60-day waiting policy before resubmitting a 4506-T form, critically marred the plaintiff's journey with the SBA, ultimately reflecting poorly on the agency's commitment to aiding small businesses.
On July 26, 2021, a detailed account of the ongoing issues was provided to Alvin Klausen, a liaison from Congressman Kurt Schrader's office, and copies were sent to SBA Loan Specialists, Anna Rose and Austin Ross. However, it seemed this attempt at gaining resolution bore no fruitful response.
In further compliance with SBA's requirements, the plaintiff sent to Anna Rose on July 31, 2021, a range of documents including an IRS-stamped Form 1040X, an IRS-printed Account Transcript, and a completed IRS Form 4506-T. This move was in response to Rose's instruction from June 24, 2021, yet there was no acknowledgement or meaningful reply.
Persisting with the process, the plaintiff dispatched exhaustive document packages to the SBA via fax on July 30 and July 31. Despite containing all necessary material to overcome the loan decline, these emails seemed to fall into a void, receiving no response.
The plaintiff took a crucial step on July 31, 2021. A detailed complaint was submitted to the Small Business Administration Office of the National Ombudsman. This report illuminated the interactions between the plaintiff, Ross, and Rose, and presented an extensive analysis of the challenges the plaintiff was encountering. Yet, in the ongoing pattern of silence, the plaintiff received no follow-up or response to this complaint.
The communication gap continued as on August 3rd, 2021, the SBA reiterated the decline reason, citing a lack of verifiable information, while ignoring the submitted IRS-stamped documents. The plaintiff tried to overcome this by sending an objection email with additional IRS documentation on August 6th, 2021, yet there was no indication of SBA's receipt or review of this new information.
On September 9th, 2021 the SBA requested 2019 business bank statements. This was curious as the SBA bypassed the essential step of ordering the IRS transcripts using the 4506-T. Moreover, it neglected to consider that the plaintiff didn't have a business bank account in 2019 and relied on online payment processors like PayPal and Amazon Pay for business transactions.
The plaintiff expressed their frustrations and disappointment in a response on September 14th, 2021. This correspondence conveyed the sentiment of being systematically ignored, manipulated, and deceived by the SBA. The plaintiff's concerns about the agency's lack of intent to provide assistance and the perceived injustices were made clear. Despite their efforts, the plaintiff was left in a seemingly endless loop of unmet requirements and unanswered queries.
In the subsequent months, the plaintiff did not receive any further information or correspondence from the SBA concerning their loan modification request, causing additional distress. The plaintiff expressed their frustration and disappointment with the entire process in an email to the SBA, stating that the constant silence and lack of feedback from the SBA were indicative of gross negligence and a breach of the SBA's fiduciary duties.
On July 31, 2021, initiated a fresh application for their sole proprietorship, [*], heeding the guidance of SBA Loan Specialist Austin Ross. It is essential to underscore here that Ross, in his advisory role, inadvertently mischaracterized [] as a cellphone repair business. However, [***] is an online retail business. Another example of Ross's blaintaint inaccuracies.
This effort was met with a contradictory response. The plaintiff was informed that their reapplication had been withdrawn due to it being a duplicate application. Then in an abrupt about-face, the SBA invited the plaintiff to proceed with the withdrawn application, issuing successive reminders about completing the application process.
Despite reservations about the sincerity of the offer, the plaintiff accepted the proposed loan amount. True to their suspicion, a decline letter arrived on October 22nd, 2021, citing the inability to verify the existence of an eligible business.
On January 3, 2022, the Plaintiff sent an email to the SBA asking to address the $1,000 advance grant that was returned June 25, 2020. The SBA responded with these instructions, "To assist in processing your request please reply to this email with: A copy of your photo identification (front and back), A copy of a check with the word "VOID" written on it (please do not redact the routing or account number) and, If you need to submit an updated 4506-T, the completed and signed corrected 4506-T form may then be sent as a reply to this email or may be emailed to [email protected]."
On January 10, 2022, the Plaintiff sent another email to the SBA with all the requested documents and expressing his frustration over the lack of resolution to his issue and the impacts it had on his eligibility for the targeted advance and the supplemental advance.
The SBA remained unresponsive and the status of the Advance on the SBA Disaster Portal was changed from "error" to "declined" without any explanation. This exclusion from the Advance Grant portion of the EIDL program, along with the Targeted Advance Grant and Supplemental Grant programs, was conducted without any legal justification.
For the record, it's important to note that the applicants must receive an official email invitation from the SBA to apply for both the Targeted EIDL Advance and Supplemental Targeted Advance. Due to the aforementioned error, the Plaintiff was deprived of this opportunity and thus, was unable to apply for these programs.
The SBA's failure to adequately process the deposit for the Advance Grant, coupled with their refusal to rectify the problem despite the Plaintiff's repeated attempts to seek a resolution, is a clear violation of their obligations. The repercussions of this error not only prevented the Plaintiff from receiving the Advance Grant but also from applying for the Targeted EIDL Advance and Supplemental Targeted Advance.
It is pertinent to highlight that these grants were crucial for the Plaintiff's businesses to mitigate the devastating financial impact of the COVID-19 pandemic. Thus, the failure of the SBA to fulfill its duties has caused substantial harm to the Plaintiff and his businesses.
Moreover, the lack of communication from the SBA and the subsequent change in the status of the Advance from "error" to "declined" without any given explanation is unacceptable. This behavior demonstrates a blatant disregard for the dire financial circumstances the Plaintiff found himself in due to the COVID-19 pandemic.
Not to be deterred, the plaintiff initiated a reconsideration request on March 1, 2022. In response, they were given a list of documents to submit, which they promptly did. Unfortunately, another decline letter soon followed, reiterating the inability to verify the business's existence.
The plaintiff sought a final reconsideration on April 2, 2022, asking for a comprehensive list of all requirements needed to overcome the stated reasons for decline. In a repetitive cycle, the SBA updated the application status on April 6, 2022, asking for a series of documents which, as per the plaintiff's account, had already been submitted numerous times.
Again the plaintiff submitted the required documents as per the updated request on the SBA Economic Injury Disaster Loan Portal account. Despite this, it's important to highlight the plaintiff's firm belief that the SBA was employing tactics of constant delay or denial regardless of the file status, even when all necessary documents were submitted, and all discrepancies were addressed legally. The plaintiff contends that such an approach seems to be a systemic internal policy, serving to deter applicants until the SBA could close the program. Unfortunately, the plaintiff's diligent efforts were met with an insurmountable roadblock when the SBA announced the exhaustion of all funds under the EIDL program. This, sadly, left the plaintiff's persistent attempts to secure the loan unfulfilled.
CAUSES OF ACTION
FIRST CAUSE OF ACTION: BREACH OF CONTRACT
The Plaintiff repeats, reiterates, and realleges each and every allegation contained in paragraphs 1 through ** as if fully set forth herein.
The Plaintiff entered into a contractual relationship with the SBA when it accepted the terms of the EIDL program, which was manifested by the approval of the EIDL advance grant and signing the Loan Authorization and Agreement (LA&A) contract.
The SBA had a contractual obligation to provide the approved advance grant to the Plaintiff as well as process the Plaintiff's requests in accordance with its established procedures and guidelines.
The SBA breached this contractual obligation by failing to deposit the approved advance grant, changing the status of the advance grant from "error" to "declined" without due justification, and failing to rectify this situation despite the Plaintiff's attempts to seek resolution.
As a direct result of the SBA's breach of contract, the Plaintiff suffered significant financial harm.
SECOND CAUSE OF ACTION: NEGLIGENCE
The Plaintiff repeats, reiterates, and realleges each and every allegation contained in paragraphs 1 through ** as if fully set forth herein.
The SBA owed Plaintiff a duty of care to diligently review and process EIDL applications, provide clear and consistent communication, provide adequate customer support, and demonstrate transparency in decision-making.
The SBA breached this duty by their actions as outlined above.
As a direct and proximate result of the SBA's negligence, Plaintiff has suffered damages, including but not limited to lost opportunities for financial relief and detrimental effects on the business, in an amount to be determined at trial.
THIRD CAUSE OF ACTION: MISREPRESENTATION
The Plaintiff repeats, reiterates, and realleges each and every allegation contained in paragraphs 1 through ** as if fully set forth herein.
The SBA made representations to the Plaintiff regarding the processing of the Plaintiff's application and the subsequent steps needed to rectify the situation.
These representations were false, as evidenced by the SBA's subsequent actions, which included changing the status of the Plaintiff's application without due justification and requesting documents that had already been submitted multiple times.
The Plaintiff, relying on these misrepresentations, suffered substantial financial harm.
FOURTH CAUSE OF ACTION: VIOLATION OF DUE PROCESS
The Plaintiff repeats, reiterates, and realleges each and every allegation contained in paragraphs 1 through ** as if fully set forth herein.
The SBA violated the Plaintiff's right to due process under the Fifth Amendment by declining the Plaintiff's application without providing any legal justification or opportunity to rectify the issue.
The SBA's actions, including unresponsiveness and failure to provide a fair reconsideration process, deprived the Plaintiff of the opportunity to adequately address the issues affecting his eligibility for the grant and loan.
FIFTH CAUSE OF ACTION: VIOLATION OF THE ADMINISTRATIVE PROCEDURES ACT (APA)
The Plaintiff repeats, reiterates, and realleges each and every allegation contained in paragraphs 1 through ** as if fully set forth herein.
The SBA, as an agency of the U.S. government, is subject to the APA, which requires federal agencies to follow certain procedures when making or changing rules.
The SBA violated the APA by acting arbitrarily and capriciously in its handling of the Plaintiff's application and its subsequent actions. This includes changing the status of the Plaintiff's grant without providing a reasoned explanation, unresponsiveness to the Plaintiff's attempts to seek resolution, and the failure to offer a fair reconsideration process in accordance with established rules and procedures.
Specifically, the SBA's refusal to rectify the erroneous deposit, even after being repeatedly informed by the Plaintiff, constitutes an arbitrary and capricious action under 5 U.S.C. § 706(2)(A). This statute allows courts to set aside agency actions that are arbitrary, capricious, or an abuse of discretion.
Furthermore, the SBA's failure to communicate effectively with the Plaintiff about the issue, followed by the unexplained change in the status of the Advance from "error" to "declined", are against the agency's obligation of providing 'reasoned explanation' for its decisions, a principle well established in the case law, see, e.g., Motor Vehicle Mfrs. Assn. v. State Farm Mut. Auto. Ins. Co., 463 U.S. 29, 43 (1983).
As a direct result of these violations, the Plaintiff suffered significant financial harm and a loss of opportunity to benefit from the EIDL program, the Targeted EIDL Advance, and the Supplemental Targeted Advance.
As such, the SBA's actions were in violation of the APA, and the Plaintiff is entitled to relief under the APA.

So… this has always been something I’ve had a hard time with and would like to get some insight. When I was 12 I discovered MCR- that was 19 years ago. My sister was 2 years younger than me and we both became obsessed with them. My youngest aunt who is just 10 years older than me introduced me at a younger age to her music- cradle of filth, smashing pumpkins, Alice In Chains, RHCP, evanescence, etc. I was already into all of that but when I discovered MCR, I felt like it was mine. like I had discovered something that was no one else’s and completely identified with their style, emotions, music, etc. We got the revenge CD and fell in love with every song, immediately we HAD to find out more about this band, so we went to Target and got the Bullets CD and fuck, that was even better. Went to our first concert in 2007, my mom was waiting for us in the car and their manager saw her, asked her ‘are you here for the concert?’ And she said ‘no I’m just waiting for my daughters’ she was wearing an MCR shirt and he said ‘do you wanna see the show?’ And of course she said yes, he weaseled her backstage, she took pictures of their instruments, bus, equipment, stage, and then they sat her in the audio/lights section and she enjoyed the show from there. She didn’t meet the guys but that was MORE THAN ENOUGH. We were enjoying the show without knowing any of this because we had flip phones and we couldn’t txt or send pictures without getting charged- we were just supposed to call her when the show was over. When we left, we met my mom at the car and when she showed us the pictures, we completely lost it- hugged, jumped around, and cried. How amazing and well deserved. Got the originally umbrella academy, every poster I saw at Walmart, FYE, hot topic, etc. plastered them in my room. Got band tee shirts from hot topic, My Chemical Romance was everything for us. Not only was the music the best music I’ve ever heard, but their messages in interviews shaped the way I am today still. Gerard saying they didn’t like groupies and to say FUCK YOU to anyone in a band that was trying to take advantage of you. They were/are always so unproblematic (although HUMAN duh) and kind. Bullets and Revenge shaped me, TBP came around and I recorded their MTV debut just in case I was gonna miss it, but of course I didn’t. Watching them perform TBP for the first time live at the VMAs on top of a building felt… weird. I was 14/15 at that time and I didn’t feel a connection with this song but it was still rad! I watched the performance and felt a little empty but still loved them. My sister was in middle school and I was in high school at this point- she shared such a nice story with me and how we gained a bestfriend. She was in PE and had a really sad face (she was also wearing H.I.M. shoes iykyk) a random girl came up to her and asked her what was wrong and why was she so sad? Her response ‘my favorite band is not the same’ and her friend said ‘are you talking about MCR’s performance last night?’ And there they became bestfriends. MCR was always a staple in the way I did everything. I won a statewide poetry contest because of them. We eventually got used to the black parade album and loved every song but especially the B side. Wow, what a beautiful feeling and whirlwind. Eventually I got married and started to do my own thing, Killjoys/CW came out and it wasn’t really my thing but still loved them. And then they announced their breakup in 2013… I was living with my husband already and my sister called me ‘hey, go to the MCR website, read everything’ I thought it was a new better album, or new merch. Was I wrong.. I read Gerard’s open letter to his fans and fucking lost it. Especially the last paragraph- to paraphrase ‘My Chemical Romance will always live inside all of you- because it’s not a band but an idea.’ WHAT??! Are you serious? You saved my life FFS. I drove to my parents’ house immediately and went to the ‘holy grail’ our closet that had everything MCR. Took out our posters, shirts, CDs, comic books (original umbrella academy), hats, etc. I gave things away to my friends that still liked them and the rest I sold at a yard sale. Other stuff I took to Goodwill. My sister CONVINCED me to keep the discography so I gave them to her and told her to keep it in a safe place where I couldn’t see it. Man.. why did it hurt so much? Why did a band make me feel so much pain? Thank God she saved the CDs because I hate myself for all of this. I stopped listening to them and kept it moving. Don’t know any of Gerard’s hesitant aliens songs or any dunes songs. I just ignored all the noise and moved through life as of MCR never existed. They got back together in 2019 and coincidentally I was going though my divorce, my sister called me and she was gonna buy tickets to see them but we weren’t lucky enough. Our bestfriend was living in LA and went and sent us videos. Wow how lucky! I got hooked again and eventually we bought tickets to 2 shows on the east coast and we saw them twice. They sang Vampires Will Never Hurt you… my favorite song in the world. I cannot describe our emotions. I love my sister and this as more than I love anything else. I kicked myself over the merch and stuff I gave away for so long but idc anymore. I don’t even care if they don’t have a new album, if they are happy- I’m happy. I would hate for them to feel the pressure again to just pop a random album. I love MCR with every single one of my veins until the day I take my last breath.

I was pouring drink number three when my phone rang… I'm 20 years old, a little drunk and in about an hour, I will have almost shot my colleague in the chest in front of three police officers and two frozen dead bodies. Weird. I can't say that I'm mentally ready for what I'm about to see this evening, who’s ever really ready to walk into a garage with a Chevy Cavalier riddled with bullets and two frozen gang bangers inside. My name is Grant and These are My Funeral Home Stories.
Chapter Two: three drinks, Two dead & One Candy Bar
It's about six o'clock on the 3rd Tuesday in February and factoring in the windchill, it's negative 14 degrees outside. I've been off of work for about an hour and I'm not on call tonight…So naturally, I'm just finishing up my second drink and considering whether to order pizza or Chinese tonight. I use my finger to stop by drink from bubbling over and the phone rings. It’s Andy, one of the directors from the funeral home that’s on call when Ned and I are off AND apparently the person he's on call with this evening is unreachable…If it's your job to be on call, you don't want this to happen. It's almost the equivalent of a no call no show at any other job. If you're on call, the only thing you have to do is wait for the phone to ring and when it does ring, you answer it. It’s really not that hard.
Andy is calling me to ask if I would fill in and go on a police call with him. There was a shooting and apparently there are two frozen dead bodies in a car… inside the police station. OK. Why are they at the police station? Great question. Apparently it was too cold outside to investigate and process the crime scene so they moved the crime scene into a heated garage inside a police station. This all sounds incredibly interesting to me but there's only one problem… I'm drunk. Well, on my way to drunk and I'm not old enough to drink. I'm not going anywhere near a police station. I explained to Andy that I'm in no condition to drive to the funeral home and he'd have to find someone else. He interrupted me and said, “ but you're not old enough to drink. Stay put. I'm picking you up. See you in 10.” He hung up the phone before I had time to argue.
Welp. Looks like I'm going to the police station against all better judgment. I finish my third drink as I put on my black 3 button double breasted black suit by Chaps that I picked up at Kohls. (Side note: all my other suits were at the dry cleaners. I hate this suit. It makes me look like a walking rectangle.) It's our funeral home’s policy that we dress cleanly and professionally while in public. This means you ruin a lot of good dress clothes but at least you look sharp… and you can write off your dry cleaning as a job related expense.
I run a razor over my face sans shaving cream because I’m in a hurry and our funeral home also has a strict no facial hair policy. No mustaches, no goatees and definitely no beards. I'm not sure why this is a rule, It just is. I take an extra long look at myself in the mirror to make sure I have myself in order. The last thing I want to do tonight is walk into a police station looking like a sloppy, drunk unshaven underage mess. Could I get fired for getting an underage drinking ticket while on a death call? I sure hope not. I hear a horn honking in the driveway. I peak out the front window, Andy’s out front in our 2004 black Pontiac minivan. It’s a pretty slick…Instead of back seats, our van has a polished oak floor with rollers spaced evenly down the length of the van. These rollers aid in sliding caskets in and out without scratching the van or caskets.
I’m almost ready. I decided to wear a heavy wool four button top coat, scarf and rubberized dress boots by Ecco, all black of course. (Side note: Always spend extra money on ‘nicer’ boots. You don't want your socks wet on death calls.) Although I hate the suit I have on, I am wearing my favorite necktie. It's white, black and navy blue diagonally striped made from handwoven silk by Ralph Lauren. Very sharp. Remember this tie… my favorite tie, it’ll come up again later. On my way out the door I stuffed a handful of garlic flavored chips in my mouth and pulled a Nestle Butterfinger candy bar out of the pantry. The garlic will help cover up the three Jack and Cokes I just had and put a little food in my stomach. The Butterfinger…well, that's my reward. I'll eat it on the way home. I fucking love Butterfingers and why not reward myself for what I'm about to do? I'm not even on call tonight. I deserve it.
From my house to the police station, it’s about 10 minutes… a straight shot with no traffic. Andy starts nervously giggling almost immediately when my door closes and buckle my seatbelt. Funeral Directors are generally interesting people but our pal, Andy, he's a real card. I'm going to tell you a few things about Andy and hopefully won't sound too judgmental in the process. Andy had a gastric bypass surgery three years ago and as has lost about 150 pounds andI don't think he's gone clothes shopping since his weight loss. All of his suits look like they're about five sizes too big. His skin is loose around his jawline giving him a permanent droopy dog expression. It's weird seeing someone whose clothes and skin don't fit their body. He's a nervous guy and he's always afraid of getting in trouble…but somehow he's blindly confident. That's it for the positives.
Andy talks the most deliberate and malicious shit about everyone in the office. It's pathological at this point, I'm not sure he's even aware of it. You really have to watch what you say around this guy… I mean, if you don't want it repeated or used against you, don't say it around Andy. Andy's jumped from funeral home to funeral home around the country settling in towns just long enough to fuck things up and make a quick exit. He’s was a total creep and we found out a few years later that he was stealing from one of our funeral homes. He had his moments but for the most part, I didn't want anything to do with this guy…Especially after drinking almost half of my $36 bottle of Gentleman Jack. Actually, I'm probably just drunk enough to enjoy his company.
We turn on to Roosevelt, the police station is on our right. Andy has managed to keep the van under control even with the several inches of black ice and snow covering the roads. Andy tells me that we're to call a number when we're outside the police station parking garage and an officer will open the giant chain gate to let us in. The car with the dead bodies is in a separate heated garage inside the building to thaw out for processing.
It just dawned on me, I'm kind of hammered and last time I checked I'm still not old enough to drink… I feel my anxiety levels rising…I’m not super eager to walk into a police station in my current condition. My plan is to keep my head down and stay as far out of the officers’ breath smelling distance as possible. I'm so happy I decided to eat those chips before I left. I can still taste the garlic. Garlic breath is better than booze breath. I'm fairly certain they won't lock me up for having bad breath.
Andy calls the number, the gate opens and we drive down a pretty drastic slope and enter the garage filled with a fleet of police cars. There must be 40 decked out Chevy Impalas polished up and ready for dispatch. We pull forward and an officer signals us to stop next to a plain gray door in the center of a the cinder block wall on our right. Andy loaded two stretchers in the van this evening. One standard, one oversized, we get out of the van and unload both without incident. The officer walks to the back of the van and tells us to follow him.
We walk through the gray door and quickly move through three different beige hallways, no windows, just ugly plain cinderblock. I realized that I've completely lost my bearings. When we come to the end of the hallway with another gray door. I feel a combination of claustrophobia and vertigo hit me all at once or maybe that was drink number three kickin’ in. The officer opens the door and Andy and I wheel our stretchers into a 20 by 20 garage lit by the brightest fluorescent lights I've ever experienced. The temperature of the light in this room is unnerving among other things.
'Welcome to the crime lab garage' I think to myself. Immediately upon entering the room, I'm almost knocked to the floor by a smell that burns my nasal cavities. It wasn't the smell of rotting flesh or piss and shit, I’ve smelled all those things before. This was new. It’s so unique but the more Im exposed to it the more I realize I’ve smelled this before at the funeral home but I can’t place it….Then it hits me almost as intensely as the smell itself. Ammonia, that's it! It smells like someone took two or three large bottles of ammonia and just poured them all over the room. I look at Andy as we park the stretchers. We make eye contact and I pointed my nose while simultaneously making a confused face. “What the fuck is that?” I whisper.
Andy pulls two pair of blue heavy duty surgical gloves out of the front pocket of his stretcher, hands me a pair and then proceeds to blow my mind. He quietly tells me that the strong ammonia odor is coming from the blood. Apparently when someone dies suddenly all the blood cells in the body make one last screaming effort to stay alive and dump a ton of waste into the bloodstream. The waste is what gives the blood a strong scent of ammonia. You know when someone says they can smell blood in a movie or TV show? I think If this is what they're talking about.
Now that I have my gloves on and have adjusted to the smell, I take off my overcoat and suit jacket and tuck my tie between two buttons on my white dress shirt. This is simply precautionary. There is nothing worse than dipping your tie into something gross. It's almost always UNcleanable.
In this moment, I'm able to take in my surroundings. Perhaps it's the alcohol but something feels off. Under rows and rows of fluorescent lights there’s a maroon Chevy Cavalier riddled with bullet holes with all four of its doors and trunk wide open. Upon initial inspection, my eyes are drawn to two dead men in the backseat and rusted hood with a smattering of bullet holes. It seems that most of the shots were through the windshield, windows and door panels.The windshield is barely able to hold itself up.
Andy and I walk around the car to figure out our plan of attack. He flips open a black vinyl body bag, unzips it and places it on the ground next to the car and he tells me his plan. “If they’re frozen in a seated position, we won't be able to move em that easily… So we'll wiggle them out, lay them on the body bags and zip up the disaster pouch around them.” This sounds good to me. We move in.
We decided to start with the body in the driver's side backseat. The door’s already open and the hinges appear to be hyper extended. The crime scene techs probably bent the hinges while they were scrubbing the scene. Now up close, I’m finally able to take in the two dead men sitting in the backseat in front of me. These guys must have been a couple years older than me, both wearing Timberlands, black jeans and black jackets… like big puffy down jackets. One man has a New Era baseball cap on backwards while the other has a black stocking cap atop his head. I didn't see any logos but the brain matter, bullet holes and blood may have made it hard to notice. The ammonia smell inside the car is completely overwhelming. Blood is literally covering everything in the backseat. Chunks of thawing brain and meat are all over the headrest. I pick up a piece near the seat belt and squeeze it with my middle finger and thumb. It's still a little frozen so it crunches a bit before turning into mush between my fingers. I wiped my hand on a clean part of the interior.
Bullet holes are weird…For something that can end your life so quickly, they don't leave much of a mark on their way in…BUT the way out is a totally different story. I have no idea how many times these men were shot but they’re covered and destroyed by bullet holes. Chin, hands, thighs under the eyeballs and everywhere else. There wasn’t a part of either of these men’s bodies that didn’t have at least one bullet hole… I didn't see their feet though…if I’m being completely transparent.
This is gore. This is a complete horror show. Someone wanted these men dead… like seriously dead. Was it the driver or could it have been the front seat passenger? There must have been someone sitting in the front seat, right? Why else would two grown men sit in the backseat together if there was an open front seat? By the number of holes, I come to the conclusion that at least two people had to have shot up this car….Far too many holes for one shooter and it was definitely people they thought they were close to…
With half my body in the car, the smell of ammonia is blending with the smell of shit…which is undoubtedly oozing from one or all of the many holes in these men's stomachs. Thankfully, the taste of the garlic chips and whiskey I had earlier keeping me from gagging. Both men looked like they were sleeping like someone's dad or brother in the backseat on a road trip but riddled with holes and covered and smelly blood and falling human chunks.
There's only enough room for one of us in the car’s backseat door opening so Andy gets in the driver's seat backwards and reaches back around the front seat to help shimmy the body out. I press the button and unbuckle the seatbelt, it whips back into its home position startling Andy and I. Everything in this car is covered with blood or some sort of human matter. My gloves are literally covered in blood from just unbuckling the seatbelt and now the taste of the ammonia smell is dripping its way into my mouth through my throat. The officers are having some sort of quiet discussion standing by the door we came in earlier. It's not uncommon for police officers to be completely apathetic about crime scenes when the funeral home arrives. The investigation is basically over tonight these officers couldn't care less about their scene. They just wanted to get these bodies moved out of the garage so they could get home to their families. I get that… but their lack of supervision is troubling, especially with what happens next.
I am now completely hunched over the body in the back passenger seat while Andy is supervising from the front turned around in the driver's seat with his gloved hands on the headrest. I tell Andy that I think I'm strong enough to grab this man’s right forearm and slide his body out on my own. When I grabbed the man's forearm, I immediately feel something isn't right. I've grabbed lots of dead people's forearms before. None felt like this though. It was so hard and rigid….don’t get me wrong I understand this man is frozen BUT whatever I'm grabbing on to isn't human. It's something else. It's hard and feels like metal one of those cheap metal canes you'd buy at a drugstore. The three drinks circulating through my bloodstream make me curious but pensive. I tell Andy that I'm not touching a man's arm and that there's something else in this man’s jacket.
I interrupted the police officers conversation. “Hey, something isn't right here.” An officer and I switch places as he pulls out a tactical knife and starts cutting away the sleeve to the blood soaked down jacket. “It’s a FUCKING GUN.” I look over his shoulder and see the open sleeve of a jacket revealing a sawed off shotgun. The inside of the coat was some sort of bright orange material so the short barrel of the shotgun stand out…and so did the trigger but not because of its color. It stood out because of frozen dead man’s finger hooked over and frozen around it. Did I mention the gun was cocked. This means that the slightest movement would have caused a sudden discharge… The gun would have fired directly into the driver's seat, the seat where Andy was supervising from AND apparently Andy and I noticed this at the same time.
The next sound we hear was an officer saying, “Gun! Loaded gun!”
Andy and I step back while the officers deal with the gun… he's freaked out…I can tell by the blotchy greenish yellow color he skin has turned in the last 30 seconds. Andy says, “I don't like guns. I don't like guns.”
“It's cool, man. Nobody got shot.” I say not being too sympathetic. I'm definitely drunk now and the idea of a frozen dead man shooting my partner in the chest is kind of hilarious, even if it would have been my fault. I giggle internally. Andy quickly moves towards the door and says, “I need to get some fresh air” and scurries out like an asshole letting the door slam behind him. Almost at the same moment the door closed. The three officers approached me from behind, “We got it out….It was loaded. Your buddy's lucky you didn’t shoot him in the chest.” I just snicker and tell the officers my partner needed some air and that I'll make the removals myself. How hard could it be? I'll just grab and pull.
Frozen bodies move in one piece while regular room temperature bodies are just floppy deadweight. These fellas are frozen solid…they felt like moving a heavy chair or peculiar shaped table out of your friend's car. Square peg in round holes, it was actually considerably easier than I anticipated.
The sound of the two bodies hitting a cold cement after pulling them out was very satisfying…a simple loud hollow frozen thud. I'm surrounded by awfulness and all I can think about is how proud I am that I just handled this crime scene on my own. I can't wait to eat that Butterfinger waiting for me in the car. It's a fitting reward but also something to get rid of this ammonia and garlic taste overpowering my senses at the moment.
Andy still hasn't come back and we're about to zip up the last body bag. An officer had put on a pair of gloves to help me maneuver the second man's rigid bent knees into the body bag. This man's body was like a complicated Tetris piece. Once in, we each grab a zipper on either side of the black vinyl bag and zip our respective ends until they meet in the middle. I nod my head at the officer and say, “That's how it's done!”
The officer looks at me sternly and says, “Did you just come from a party?” I look at him confused and respond, ”What?”
The officer tells me that he just got a waft of alcohol. “It reeks like booze over here.” I closed my mouth quickly and my heart begins to beat out of my chest. I must smell like a distillery… so much for those garlic chips. Laughing, I say, “On a Tuesday? Come on, man!” The officer stands up and says, “Let's run a tox screen on these guys to find out how fucked up they were before getting blasted.”
Looks like a dodged a bullet. How did he smell my whiskey breath over the ammonia smell? Does my breath just smell like straight rubbing alcohol? I feel bad that these dead guys got blamed for MY alcohol breath but, at least, I won't be walking out of here with an underage drinking ticket.
Calming down and feeling relieved. I looked down on my shirt and see that my necktie, my very favorite Ralph Lauren necktie, had fallen out of my shirt at some point and had been dipped into some smelly smelly blood. Fuck! Of course I ruined my favorite necktie on a night I'm not even supposed to be working. I undo the knot and throw the tie into a biohazard bag. The rest of the removal was kind of a blur because I was laser focused thinking about that Butterfinger I left in the car. The alcohol plus all the blood smell I kind of made my stomach sour. My mouth starts to water thinking about that candy bar.
One of the officers helps me wheel the stretchers out to the van in the main area of the police station parking garage. I can see exhaust coming out of our van. It's on? Did we leave the van running? I open the back of the van to find Andy laying down in the center of the wooden roller board taking up the entire back of the van. The sound startles him and he quickly jumps up to a seated position and says, “I'm sorry man, guns really freak me out. I almost got shot…. I thought I was gonna pass out.”
I notice a yellow rapper sitting next to his right leg. He noticed that I noticed. “Oh yeah, I owe you a candy bar.” He says in a nonchalant manner.
All at once, my dislike for Andy hit me like a tidal wave. I ruined my favorite tie and this asshole ate my candy bar? Andy, sensing my disappointment and anger, didn't say another word and I imagine what it would have been like if that shot gun would have gone off.
My name is Grant and these are My Funeral Home Stories.
Here this episode wherever you listen to podcasts:
Apple - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/my-funeral-home-stories/id1462188362?i=1000437632125
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YouTube: https://youtu.be/UYVL66uyfAE
Download the 45 minute Epilogue & Commercial Free Episodes & Seasons: www.MyFuneralHomeStories.com

Pirates @ Mariners - Sun, May 28

Game Status: Final - Score: 6-3 Mariners

Links & Info

• MLB Gameday
• Game Graphs
• Savant Gamefeed

	Pirates Batters	AB	R	H	RBI	BB	K	LOB	AVG	OBP	SLG
1	McCutchen - RF	4	1	1	0	1	0	3	.267	.363	.453
2	Reynolds, B - DH	5	1	2	1	0	1	3	.290	.343	.513
3	Joe - 1B	5	0	0	0	0	3	5	.241	.337	.455
4	Santana - 1B	2	0	0	0	1	0	0	.226	.322	.356
	Suwinski - LF	1	0	0	0	1	1	2	.232	.349	.478
5	Castro, R - 2B	3	0	0	0	2	1	2	.254	.364	.424
6	Hayes - 3B	5	0	0	0	0	4	6	.221	.275	.344
7	Bae - CF	4	1	2	0	0	1	1	.275	.329	.370
8	Owings - SS	3	0	1	0	0	1	0	.190	.190	.190
	a-Marcano - SS	1	0	0	0	0	0	1	.262	.333	.464
9	Hedges - C	2	0	1	1	0	0	0	.169	.239	.205
	b-Palacios, J - PH	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	.250	.318	.250
	Delay - C	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.318	.370	.455
	Totals	35	3	7	2	6	12	23

Pirates
a-Flied out for Owings in the 9th. b-Walked for Hedges in the 9th.
BATTING: 2B: Bae (7, Gott). 3B: Reynolds, B (3, Topa). TB: Bae 3; Hedges; McCutchen; Owings; Reynolds, B 4. RBI: Hedges (8); Reynolds, B (33). Runners left in scoring position, 2 out: Hayes 4; Joe. SF: Hedges. GIDP: McCutchen. Team RISP: 2-for-12. Team LOB: 10.

	Mariners Batters	AB	R	H	RBI	BB	K	LOB	AVG	OBP	SLG
1	Crawford, J - SS	4	2	1	0	1	1	1	.254	.365	.370
2	France, T - 1B	5	0	0	0	0	1	3	.260	.341	.410
3	Rodríguez, Ju - CF	5	1	2	1	0	1	2	.242	.307	.436
4	Kelenic - LF	3	1	1	1	2	1	2	.278	.337	.524
5	Suárez, E - 3B	4	1	1	3	1	1	3	.219	.325	.337
6	Raleigh - C	4	1	1	1	0	1	2	.238	.322	.456
7	Hernández, T - RF	4	0	1	0	0	2	0	.233	.269	.403
8	Murphy, To - C	2	0	0	0	1	1	1	.213	.250	.361
	a-Trammell - PH	1	0	0	0	0	1	0	.150	.277	.375
	Saucedo - P	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000	.000	.000
9	Caballero - 2B	4	0	0	0	0	1	2	.261	.376	.391
	Totals	36	6	7	6	5	11	16

Mariners
a-Struck out for Murphy, To in the 9th.
BATTING: 2B: Kelenic (14, Ortiz, L.L.). HR: Rodríguez, Ju (9, 1st inning off Ortiz, L.L., 0 on, 2 out); Raleigh (8, 4th inning off Ortiz, L.L., 0 on, 0 out); Suárez, E (6, 10th inning off Stephenson, R, 2 on, 2 out). TB: Crawford, J; Hernández, T; Kelenic 2; Raleigh 4; Rodríguez, Ju 5; Suárez, E 4. RBI: Kelenic (26); Raleigh (25); Rodríguez, Ju (28); Suárez, E 3 (34). 2-out RBI: Rodríguez, Ju; Suárez, E 3; Kelenic. Runners left in scoring position, 2 out: Suárez, E; Crawford, J; Raleigh. Team RISP: 2-for-10. Team LOB: 7.
FIELDING: E: Crawford, J (6, throw). DP: (Crawford, J-Caballero-France, T).

Pirates Pitchers	IP	H	R	ER	BB	K	HR	P-S	ERA
Ortiz, L.L.	5.0	5	3	3	4	6	2	99-60	4.35
Contreras	2.0	1	0	0	0	1	0	22-16	4.33
Holderman	1.0	0	0	0	0	2	0	14-11	2.33
Bednar	1.0	0	0	0	0	1	0	11-8	1.35
Stephenson, R (L, 0-3)	0.2	1	3	2	1	1	1	10-7	5.54
Totals	9.2	7	6	5	5	11	3

Mariners Pitchers	IP	H	R	ER	BB	K	HR	P-S	ERA
Gonzales	5.2	3	1	1	3	4	0	90-57	5.22
Brash (H, 5)	0.1	0	0	0	0	1	0	5-4	4.57
Speier (H, 7)	1.0	0	0	0	0	1	0	8-5	2.79
Topa (H, 10)	0.1	2	2	2	0	1	0	16-11	3.48
Sewald (BS, 1)	0.2	0	0	0	1	2	0	15-10	3.09
Gott	1.0	1	0	0	1	0	0	9-5	1.82
Saucedo (W, 2-0)	1.0	1	0	0	1	3	0	20-12	0.82
Totals	10.0	7	3	3	6	12	0

Game Info
WP: Ortiz, L.L.; Brash; Sewald.
IBB: Castro, R (by Saucedo); Kelenic (by Stephenson, R).
Pitches-strikes: Ortiz, L.L. 99-60; Contreras 22-16; Holderman 14-11; Bednar 11-8; Stephenson, R 10-7; Gonzales 90-57; Brash 5-4; Speier 8-5; Topa 16-11; Sewald 15-10; Gott 9-5; Saucedo 20-12.
Groundouts-flyouts: Ortiz, L.L. 3-4; Contreras 3-1; Holderman 0-0; Bednar 1-0; Stephenson, R 1-0; Gonzales 3-5; Brash 0-0; Speier 1-1; Topa 0-0; Sewald 0-0; Gott 1-1; Saucedo 0-0.
Batters faced: Ortiz, L.L. 24; Contreras 7; Holderman 3; Bednar 3; Stephenson, R 4; Gonzales 23; Brash 1; Speier 3; Topa 3; Sewald 3; Gott 4; Saucedo 5.
Inherited runners-scored: Brash 1-0; Sewald 1-1.
Umpires: HP: Marvin Hudson. 1B: Hunter Wendelstedt. 2B: John Tumpane. 3B: Ryan Blakney.
Weather: 56 degrees, Cloudy.
Wind: 6 mph, Out To RF.
First pitch: 1:11 PM.
T: 2:54.
Att: 38,219.
Venue: T-Mobile Park.
May 28, 2023

Inning	Scoring Play	Score
Bottom 1	Julio Rodriguez homers (9) on a fly ball to left field.	1-0 SEA
Bottom 4	Cal Raleigh homers (8) on a fly ball to right field.	2-0 SEA
Top 5	Austin Hedges out on a sacrifice fly to left fielder Jarred Kelenic. Ji Hwan Bae scores.	2-1 SEA
Bottom 5	Jarred Kelenic doubles (14) on a sharp line drive to left fielder Connor Joe. J.P. Crawford scores.	3-1 SEA
Top 8	Bryan Reynolds triples (3) on a ground ball to right fielder Teoscar Hernandez. Andrew McCutchen scores.	3-2 SEA
Top 8	Jack Suwinski walks. Bryan Reynolds scores. Wild pitch by pitcher Paul Sewald.	3-3
Bottom 10	Eugenio Suarez homers (6) on a fly ball to left field. J.P. Crawford scores. Jarred Kelenic scores.	6-3 SEA

Team	Highlight
PIT	Bullpen availability for Pittsburgh, May 28 vs Mariners (00:00:07)
SEA	Bullpen availability for Seattle, May 28 vs Pirates (00:00:07)
SEA	Fielding alignment for Seattle, May 28 vs Pirates (00:00:11)
SEA	Starting lineups for Pirates at Mariners - May 28, 2023 (00:00:09)
PIT	Fielding alignment for Pittsburgh, May 28 vs Mariners (00:00:11)
PIT	Luis L. Ortiz's outing against the Mariners (00:00:23)
SEA	Julio Rodríguez's solo homer (9) (00:00:31)
SEA	Cal Raleigh's solo homer (8) (00:00:29)
PIT	Austin Hedges' sac fly (00:00:19)
SEA	Jarred Kelenic's RBI double (00:00:26)
	Ji Hwan Bae's diving catch (00:00:16)
SEA	Marco Gonzalez's four strikeouts (00:01:10)
PIT	Luis L. Ortiz's six strikeouts (00:00:43)
PIT	Bryan Reynolds' RBI triple (00:00:22)
PIT	Reynolds scores on wild pitch (00:00:06)
PIT	Roansy Contreras K's Crawford (00:00:12)
PIT	Ji Hwan Bae's running catch (00:00:20)
SEA	Tayler Saucedo escapes jam (00:00:08)
SEA	Eugenio Suárez's walk-off homer (00:00:29)
SEA	Eugenio Suárez reacts to walk-off (00:01:43)

	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10		R	H	E	LOB
Pirates	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	2	0	0		3	7	0	10
Mariners	1	0	0	1	1	0	0	0	0	3		6	7	1	7

Decisions

• Winner: Tayler Saucedo (2-0, 0.82)
• Loser: Robert Stephenson (0-3, 5.54)

Division Scoreboard

STL 3 @ CLE 4 - Final
SF 5 @ MIL 7 - Final
CIN 8 @ CHC 5 - Final
Next Pirates Game: Mon, May 29, 05:05 PM EDT @ Giants
^{Last Updated: 05/28/2023 07:52:00 PM EDT}

I was pouring drink number three when my phone rang… I'm 20 years old, a little drunk and in about an hour, I will have almost shot my colleague in the chest in front of three police officers and two frozen dead bodies. Weird. I can't say that I'm mentally ready for what I'm about to see this evening, who’s ever really ready to walk into a garage with a Chevy Cavalier riddled with bullets and two frozen gang bangers inside. My name is Grant and These are My Funeral Home Stories.
Chapter Two: three drinks, Two dead & One Candy Bar
It's about six o'clock on the 3rd Tuesday in February and factoring in the windchill, it's negative 14 degrees outside. I've been off of work for about an hour and I'm not on call tonight…So naturally, I'm just finishing up my second drink and considering whether to order pizza or Chinese tonight. I use my finger to stop by drink from bubbling over and the phone rings. It’s Andy, one of the directors from the funeral home that’s on call when Ned and I are off AND apparently the person he's on call with this evening is unreachable…If it's your job to be on call, you don't want this to happen. It's almost the equivalent of a no call no show at any other job. If you're on call, the only thing you have to do is wait for the phone to ring and when it does ring, you answer it. It’s really not that hard.
Andy is calling me to ask if I would fill in and go on a police call with him. There was a shooting and apparently there are two frozen dead bodies in a car… inside the police station. OK. Why are they at the police station? Great question. Apparently it was too cold outside to investigate and process the crime scene so they moved the crime scene into a heated garage inside a police station. This all sounds incredibly interesting to me but there's only one problem… I'm drunk. Well, on my way to drunk and I'm not old enough to drink. I'm not going anywhere near a police station. I explained to Andy that I'm in no condition to drive to the funeral home and he'd have to find someone else. He interrupted me and said, “ but you're not old enough to drink. Stay put. I'm picking you up. See you in 10.” He hung up the phone before I had time to argue.
Welp. Looks like I'm going to the police station against all better judgment. I finish my third drink as I put on my black 3 button double breasted black suit by Chaps that I picked up at Kohls. (Side note: all my other suits were at the dry cleaners. I hate this suit. It makes me look like a walking rectangle.) It's our funeral home’s policy that we dress cleanly and professionally while in public. This means you ruin a lot of good dress clothes but at least you look sharp… and you can write off your dry cleaning as a job related expense.
I run a razor over my face sans shaving cream because I’m in a hurry and our funeral home also has a strict no facial hair policy. No mustaches, no goatees and definitely no beards. I'm not sure why this is a rule, It just is. I take an extra long look at myself in the mirror to make sure I have myself in order. The last thing I want to do tonight is walk into a police station looking like a sloppy, drunk unshaven underage mess. Could I get fired for getting an underage drinking ticket while on a death call? I sure hope not. I hear a horn honking in the driveway. I peak out the front window, Andy’s out front in our 2004 black Pontiac minivan. It’s a pretty slick…Instead of back seats, our van has a polished oak floor with rollers spaced evenly down the length of the van. These rollers aid in sliding caskets in and out without scratching the van or caskets.
I’m almost ready. I decided to wear a heavy wool four button top coat, scarf and rubberized dress boots by Ecco, all black of course. (Side note: Always spend extra money on ‘nicer’ boots. You don't want your socks wet on death calls.) Although I hate the suit I have on, I am wearing my favorite necktie. It's white, black and navy blue diagonally striped made from handwoven silk by Ralph Lauren. Very sharp. Remember this tie… my favorite tie, it’ll come up again later. On my way out the door I stuffed a handful of garlic flavored chips in my mouth and pulled a Nestle Butterfinger candy bar out of the pantry. The garlic will help cover up the three Jack and Cokes I just had and put a little food in my stomach. The Butterfinger…well, that's my reward. I'll eat it on the way home. I fucking love Butterfingers and why not reward myself for what I'm about to do? I'm not even on call tonight. I deserve it.
From my house to the police station, it’s about 10 minutes… a straight shot with no traffic. Andy starts nervously giggling almost immediately when my door closes and buckle my seatbelt. Funeral Directors are generally interesting people but our pal, Andy, he's a real card. I'm going to tell you a few things about Andy and hopefully won't sound too judgmental in the process. Andy had a gastric bypass surgery three years ago and as has lost about 150 pounds andI don't think he's gone clothes shopping since his weight loss. All of his suits look like they're about five sizes too big. His skin is loose around his jawline giving him a permanent droopy dog expression. It's weird seeing someone whose clothes and skin don't fit their body. He's a nervous guy and he's always afraid of getting in trouble…but somehow he's blindly confident. That's it for the positives.
Andy talks the most deliberate and malicious shit about everyone in the office. It's pathological at this point, I'm not sure he's even aware of it. You really have to watch what you say around this guy… I mean, if you don't want it repeated or used against you, don't say it around Andy. Andy's jumped from funeral home to funeral home around the country settling in towns just long enough to fuck things up and make a quick exit. He’s was a total creep and we found out a few years later that he was stealing from one of our funeral homes. He had his moments but for the most part, I didn't want anything to do with this guy…Especially after drinking almost half of my $36 bottle of Gentleman Jack. Actually, I'm probably just drunk enough to enjoy his company.
We turn on to Roosevelt, the police station is on our right. Andy has managed to keep the van under control even with the several inches of black ice and snow covering the roads. Andy tells me that we're to call a number when we're outside the police station parking garage and an officer will open the giant chain gate to let us in. The car with the dead bodies is in a separate heated garage inside the building to thaw out for processing.
It just dawned on me, I'm kind of hammered and last time I checked I'm still not old enough to drink… I feel my anxiety levels rising…I’m not super eager to walk into a police station in my current condition. My plan is to keep my head down and stay as far out of the officers’ breath smelling distance as possible. I'm so happy I decided to eat those chips before I left. I can still taste the garlic. Garlic breath is better than booze breath. I'm fairly certain they won't lock me up for having bad breath.
Andy calls the number, the gate opens and we drive down a pretty drastic slope and enter the garage filled with a fleet of police cars. There must be 40 decked out Chevy Impalas polished up and ready for dispatch. We pull forward and an officer signals us to stop next to a plain gray door in the center of a the cinder block wall on our right. Andy loaded two stretchers in the van this evening. One standard, one oversized, we get out of the van and unload both without incident. The officer walks to the back of the van and tells us to follow him.
We walk through the gray door and quickly move through three different beige hallways, no windows, just ugly plain cinderblock. I realized that I've completely lost my bearings. When we come to the end of the hallway with another gray door. I feel a combination of claustrophobia and vertigo hit me all at once or maybe that was drink number three kickin’ in. The officer opens the door and Andy and I wheel our stretchers into a 20 by 20 garage lit by the brightest fluorescent lights I've ever experienced. The temperature of the light in this room is unnerving among other things.
'Welcome to the crime lab garage' I think to myself. Immediately upon entering the room, I'm almost knocked to the floor by a smell that burns my nasal cavities. It wasn't the smell of rotting flesh or piss and shit, I’ve smelled all those things before. This was new. It’s so unique but the more Im exposed to it the more I realize I’ve smelled this before at the funeral home but I can’t place it….Then it hits me almost as intensely as the smell itself. Ammonia, that's it! It smells like someone took two or three large bottles of ammonia and just poured them all over the room. I look at Andy as we park the stretchers. We make eye contact and I pointed my nose while simultaneously making a confused face. “What the fuck is that?” I whisper.
Andy pulls two pair of blue heavy duty surgical gloves out of the front pocket of his stretcher, hands me a pair and then proceeds to blow my mind. He quietly tells me that the strong ammonia odor is coming from the blood. Apparently when someone dies suddenly all the blood cells in the body make one last screaming effort to stay alive and dump a ton of waste into the bloodstream. The waste is what gives the blood a strong scent of ammonia. You know when someone says they can smell blood in a movie or TV show? I think If this is what they're talking about.
Now that I have my gloves on and have adjusted to the smell, I take off my overcoat and suit jacket and tuck my tie between two buttons on my white dress shirt. This is simply precautionary. There is nothing worse than dipping your tie into something gross. It's almost always UNcleanable.
In this moment, I'm able to take in my surroundings. Perhaps it's the alcohol but something feels off. Under rows and rows of fluorescent lights there’s a maroon Chevy Cavalier riddled with bullet holes with all four of its doors and trunk wide open. Upon initial inspection, my eyes are drawn to two dead men in the backseat and rusted hood with a smattering of bullet holes. It seems that most of the shots were through the windshield, windows and door panels.The windshield is barely able to hold itself up.
Andy and I walk around the car to figure out our plan of attack. He flips open a black vinyl body bag, unzips it and places it on the ground next to the car and he tells me his plan. “If they’re frozen in a seated position, we won't be able to move em that easily… So we'll wiggle them out, lay them on the body bags and zip up the disaster pouch around them.” This sounds good to me. We move in.
We decided to start with the body in the driver's side backseat. The door’s already open and the hinges appear to be hyper extended. The crime scene techs probably bent the hinges while they were scrubbing the scene. Now up close, I’m finally able to take in the two dead men sitting in the backseat in front of me. These guys must have been a couple years older than me, both wearing Timberlands, black jeans and black jackets… like big puffy down jackets. One man has a New Era baseball cap on backwards while the other has a black stocking cap atop his head. I didn't see any logos but the brain matter, bullet holes and blood may have made it hard to notice. The ammonia smell inside the car is completely overwhelming. Blood is literally covering everything in the backseat. Chunks of thawing brain and meat are all over the headrest. I pick up a piece near the seat belt and squeeze it with my middle finger and thumb. It's still a little frozen so it crunches a bit before turning into mush between my fingers. I wiped my hand on a clean part of the interior.
Bullet holes are weird…For something that can end your life so quickly, they don't leave much of a mark on their way in…BUT the way out is a totally different story. I have no idea how many times these men were shot but they’re covered and destroyed by bullet holes. Chin, hands, thighs under the eyeballs and everywhere else. There wasn’t a part of either of these men’s bodies that didn’t have at least one bullet hole… I didn't see their feet though…if I’m being completely transparent.
This is gore. This is a complete horror show. Someone wanted these men dead… like seriously dead. Was it the driver or could it have been the front seat passenger? There must have been someone sitting in the front seat, right? Why else would two grown men sit in the backseat together if there was an open front seat? By the number of holes, I come to the conclusion that at least two people had to have shot up this car….Far too many holes for one shooter and it was definitely people they thought they were close to…
With half my body in the car, the smell of ammonia is blending with the smell of shit…which is undoubtedly oozing from one or all of the many holes in these men's stomachs. Thankfully, the taste of the garlic chips and whiskey I had earlier keeping me from gagging. Both men looked like they were sleeping like someone's dad or brother in the backseat on a road trip but riddled with holes and covered and smelly blood and falling human chunks.
There's only enough room for one of us in the car’s backseat door opening so Andy gets in the driver's seat backwards and reaches back around the front seat to help shimmy the body out. I press the button and unbuckle the seatbelt, it whips back into its home position startling Andy and I. Everything in this car is covered with blood or some sort of human matter. My gloves are literally covered in blood from just unbuckling the seatbelt and now the taste of the ammonia smell is dripping its way into my mouth through my throat. The officers are having some sort of quiet discussion standing by the door we came in earlier. It's not uncommon for police officers to be completely apathetic about crime scenes when the funeral home arrives. The investigation is basically over tonight these officers couldn't care less about their scene. They just wanted to get these bodies moved out of the garage so they could get home to their families. I get that… but their lack of supervision is troubling, especially with what happens next.
I am now completely hunched over the body in the back passenger seat while Andy is supervising from the front turned around in the driver's seat with his gloved hands on the headrest. I tell Andy that I think I'm strong enough to grab this man’s right forearm and slide his body out on my own. When I grabbed the man's forearm, I immediately feel something isn't right. I've grabbed lots of dead people's forearms before. None felt like this though. It was so hard and rigid….don’t get me wrong I understand this man is frozen BUT whatever I'm grabbing on to isn't human. It's something else. It's hard and feels like metal one of those cheap metal canes you'd buy at a drugstore. The three drinks circulating through my bloodstream make me curious but pensive. I tell Andy that I'm not touching a man's arm and that there's something else in this man’s jacket.
I interrupted the police officers conversation. “Hey, something isn't right here.” An officer and I switch places as he pulls out a tactical knife and starts cutting away the sleeve to the blood soaked down jacket. “It’s a FUCKING GUN.” I look over his shoulder and see the open sleeve of a jacket revealing a sawed off shotgun. The inside of the coat was some sort of bright orange material so the short barrel of the shotgun stand out…and so did the trigger but not because of its color. It stood out because of frozen dead man’s finger hooked over and frozen around it. Did I mention the gun was cocked. This means that the slightest movement would have caused a sudden discharge… The gun would have fired directly into the driver's seat, the seat where Andy was supervising from AND apparently Andy and I noticed this at the same time.
The next sound we hear was an officer saying, “Gun! Loaded gun!”
Andy and I step back while the officers deal with the gun… he's freaked out…I can tell by the blotchy greenish yellow color he skin has turned in the last 30 seconds. Andy says, “I don't like guns. I don't like guns.”
“It's cool, man. Nobody got shot.” I say not being too sympathetic. I'm definitely drunk now and the idea of a frozen dead man shooting my partner in the chest is kind of hilarious, even if it would have been my fault. I giggle internally. Andy quickly moves towards the door and says, “I need to get some fresh air” and scurries out like an asshole letting the door slam behind him. Almost at the same moment the door closed. The three officers approached me from behind, “We got it out….It was loaded. Your buddy's lucky you didn’t shoot him in the chest.” I just snicker and tell the officers my partner needed some air and that I'll make the removals myself. How hard could it be? I'll just grab and pull.
Frozen bodies move in one piece while regular room temperature bodies are just floppy deadweight. These fellas are frozen solid…they felt like moving a heavy chair or peculiar shaped table out of your friend's car. Square peg in round holes, it was actually considerably easier than I anticipated.
The sound of the two bodies hitting a cold cement after pulling them out was very satisfying…a simple loud hollow frozen thud. I'm surrounded by awfulness and all I can think about is how proud I am that I just handled this crime scene on my own. I can't wait to eat that Butterfinger waiting for me in the car. It's a fitting reward but also something to get rid of this ammonia and garlic taste overpowering my senses at the moment.
Andy still hasn't come back and we're about to zip up the last body bag. An officer had put on a pair of gloves to help me maneuver the second man's rigid bent knees into the body bag. This man's body was like a complicated Tetris piece. Once in, we each grab a zipper on either side of the black vinyl bag and zip our respective ends until they meet in the middle. I nod my head at the officer and say, “That's how it's done!”
The officer looks at me sternly and says, “Did you just come from a party?” I look at him confused and respond, ”What?”
The officer tells me that he just got a waft of alcohol. “It reeks like booze over here.” I closed my mouth quickly and my heart begins to beat out of my chest. I must smell like a distillery… so much for those garlic chips. Laughing, I say, “On a Tuesday? Come on, man!” The officer stands up and says, “Let's run a tox screen on these guys to find out how fucked up they were before getting blasted.”
Looks like a dodged a bullet. How did he smell my whiskey breath over the ammonia smell? Does my breath just smell like straight rubbing alcohol? I feel bad that these dead guys got blamed for MY alcohol breath but, at least, I won't be walking out of here with an underage drinking ticket.
Calming down and feeling relieved. I looked down on my shirt and see that my necktie, my very favorite Ralph Lauren necktie, had fallen out of my shirt at some point and had been dipped into some smelly smelly blood. Fuck! Of course I ruined my favorite necktie on a night I'm not even supposed to be working. I undo the knot and throw the tie into a biohazard bag. The rest of the removal was kind of a blur because I was laser focused thinking about that Butterfinger I left in the car. The alcohol plus all the blood smell I kind of made my stomach sour. My mouth starts to water thinking about that candy bar.
One of the officers helps me wheel the stretchers out to the van in the main area of the police station parking garage. I can see exhaust coming out of our van. It's on? Did we leave the van running? I open the back of the van to find Andy laying down in the center of the wooden roller board taking up the entire back of the van. The sound startles him and he quickly jumps up to a seated position and says, “I'm sorry man, guns really freak me out. I almost got shot…. I thought I was gonna pass out.”
I notice a yellow rapper sitting next to his right leg. He noticed that I noticed. “Oh yeah, I owe you a candy bar.” He says in a nonchalant manner.
All at once, my dislike for Andy hit me like a tidal wave. I ruined my favorite tie and this asshole ate my candy bar? Andy, sensing my disappointment and anger, didn't say another word and I imagine what it would have been like if that shot gun would have gone off.
My name is Grant and these are My Funeral Home Stories.
​
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