Lesbien porn massage

I've been playing porn games almost non stop this week, I spent money on cam girls and went to a massage parlor 2x. My girlfriend is away and I just went out of control. I couldn't even get hard at one of the MP's talk about an embarrassing shameful waste of money.
I'm already in AA and I know this is shitty sneaky behavior.
I just needed to get it out to some internet folks.that might relatem thanks.

Hi Everyone, throwaway account because...
My wife and I Early 40s, we love each other deeply, 9 years strong, we traveled a lot, had fantastic experiences, we don't have any kids and now we settled the past 5 years on the East coast basically we have an extremely solid relationship.
The only thing that needs a little work is our sex life, my wife has a low libido and day to day anxiety is the main issue affecting our sex life, we found ways to improve communication to help with her issues and we had a open and honest conversation 6 months ago and talked about our fantasies, goals, etc... this was a great step.
Wife is interested in seeing other couples play, go to a nudist resort/beach, when she was younger she had a Fantasy of a Blowgang, and I also noticed is that she only gets off by watching MMF porn she is basically a voyeur.
We introduced recently Delta 8 gummies as a routine before sex and I noticed her inhibition and anxiety levels dropped drastically, she can enjoy more and is more open to kinky play.
I always had a Fantasy of MMF and introduced that idea to her, I asked her if she was interested in a 4 hand massage to her with me and another masseuse just a sexy erotic massage, showed her the Riviera Maya Resort so we could explore it, but here is where I am facing a roadblock, she immediately said and I quote "Fantasies sometimes are meant to be just Fantasies."
I stopped pushing and gave her some space, for her to understand more about herself, we are both doing individual therapy, and couples therapy to help us get the tools to better communicate.
Here is my question, sexually I feel a little repressed, but I am trying my best not to show it to her and to give her the space she needs to figure out how to move forward.
My goal is to see her getting more open and take initiative in bringing activities that can make us bond, but is this it?
"Fantasies sometimes are meant to be just Fantasies."?
Should I give a little push, talk casually without too much pressure?
Would love to get your insight.
Appreciate it!

My wife has been deleted from my life forever, a little backstory I have been with this woman for the past 3 years and married for exactly 1 year to the date as of the demise of our relationship. We had a good life, as like most couple’s things seemed to be good between us. She was a little wild in the bedroom for me, but I was okay with her style, one of her kinks was having porn on the TV as we were having sex. I got used to it and it made no difference to me. After one of our of sessions, she asked if I would be into having another girl join us for a special night, I asked her where this was coming from, she replied that she had made a new friend, she had kissed her once at the bar and found it to be tantalizing. She had already spoken with the girl and showed her a picture of me, she was willing to have a threesome. I said this was weird, but if she really wanted to do it, I would be good with it. My wife set up the date, we all met at a bar and grill, we ate some dinner, I was okay with the girl, she was ready to have some fun. We ended up at our place and had our first threesome, this happened 2 more times over the next 4 months.
It was our 1year wedding anniversary and I had taken my wife out for a fancy dinner, we stopped to have a couple drinks at a close bar. She said she had a surprise for me, we needed to go to the private club for a night cap. I asked how she knew about this club, and she said that she and a friend had been there a few times in the past couple months. I said okay, we drove to the warehouse district, she pointed to the building as she led me to the entrance there was a keypad to enter, she said It was a big surprise, I needed to put on these blinders as she pulled them from her purse. Then she put on some sort of handcuffs, they were furry onto my wrists. She punched in the code and as soon as the door was opened, I could hear voices and loud music and she guided me in about 20 steps, then I felt some hands on my legs and torso.
I had the blinders on and thought maybe it was my wife and friend from the threesomes, then one of the hands started undoing my belt and the other set of hands were trying to remove my shirt. I am a beefy guy as I work in construction, this was too strange for me. Who was watching us and why were there so many voices. My pants were starting to get pulled down and someone was groping my junk, I snapped my arms apart and the handcuffs broke off as they were just cheap plastic fetish cuffs. I pulled my blinders off to see 2 girls all over me, neither of them were my wife. As I was in shock, I looked around and it was a sex party club. There were at least 50 people in the warehouse with couches and mattresses laying all over the place and people having sex everywhere, there were guys getting BJ’s against the walls and girls on girls it was unbelievable. I pushed the 2 girls off me and reattached my belt, I started to look for my wife. I found her on a couch with the top of her dress pulled down to her waist and her tits hanging out, but the worst was some guy’s hands were covering her ears as he was shoving his man parts into her mouth. Another man was sitting there massaging her breast. She looked straight into my eyes, she just let the man continue. I walked up and tossed my ring on the ground right in front of her, I said don’t bother coming home ever. I turned and walked away, I heard some commotion as she was trying to get up, but the guy with his dk in her mouth was holding her back. I got to my car as she ran out of the building, I just left with my tire screeching and her in the rearview mirror.
While driving home I made a plan for her return to the house but didn’t know if she would ever show her face there ever again, but I planned for a confrontation anyway. I packed her things into 2 suitcases, got some fluorescent orange spray paint I use for marking construction areas, I sprayed slut on one side and whore on the other and placed them right inside the door blocking the entrance. I took one of my exterior cameras off the mount and unplugged it and put it in the hallway next to my bedroom, then I locked the door and just in case I blocked it with the dresser. She came home in the morning and started crying as soon as she walked in the door and had to climb over her luggage. She tried to get into the bedroom but there was no way. She sat against the door begging me to talk to her and the only thing I said was get the f out bitch. I had already made up my mind this was over and there was no returning from it. She sat there for hours leaning against the door crying and tried to explain but the louder she started talking the louder I turned up the TV. After what seemed like days but was about 4 hours of her begging, she finally left the house with her luggage.
I sent her a text that the rest of her things would be put into a storage unit, I will mail her all the information to her mother’s home, where her stuff could be found. She tried to say it was her house, but NOPE I owned it outright before we ever met, she owned nothing. We live in a default divorce state and the video of her begging for forgiveness was more than enough for the lawyers. She got nothing and I stopped paying for all the little extras like medical insurance, car payments and her schooling, cell phone, and removed her from all my accounts, she was left with nothing at all. I heard she moved in with the girl from the threesome, but that’s just what I heard, I didn’t even care enough to confirm. It took about a year, but I was able to get out unscathed except for my broken heart, I am still paying for counseling sessions 3 times a week. I don’t know if I could ever trust another woman again, but I am still young and there are a lot of mistakes still to be made.