​

Caution: It's important to remember that these evaluations are guides to potential health concerns and not definitive measures of a product's safety or efficacy. They are based on individual ingredients rather than any negative effects the final product may have. The way ingredients interact in a formulation can influence their potential impact, and the presence of a specific ingredient does not automatically equate to harm when used in a product. It's always crucial to do your own research, consider the product as a whole, and keep in mind that personal reactions can vary greatly. When making decisions about personal care products, it is recommended to consult with healthcare professionals.
​
Brief: These baby wipes consist primarily of water for gentle cleaning. Butoxy PEG-4 PG-Amodimethicone, a silicon-based polymer, gives a smooth feel but can cause skin irritation in some individuals. Caprylyl Glycol acts as a skin conditioner and preservative enhancer, while Sodium Benzoate is a common preservative. Coco-Betaine is a gentle cleansing agent. Malic Acid maintains pH balance but can be sensitizing if overused. Polysorbate 20 and Sodium Citrate aid in solubilization and pH balance respectively. The presence of Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Extract and Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E) adds soothing and antioxidant properties. Nevertheless, observe your baby for any adverse reactions and discontinue use if irritation occurs.
​
Ingredients: Water, Butoxy PEG-4 PG-Amodimethicone, Caprylyl Glycol, Sodium Benzoate, Coco-Betaine, Malic Acid, Polysorbate 20, Sodium Citrate, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Extract, Tocopheryl Acetate.
​

Typical ingredients description and side effects

​

• Tocopheryl Acetate
  • Tocopheryl Acetate, also known as Vitamin E Acetate, is a form of Vitamin E that is often used in skincare products and cosmetics, including baby wipes. It acts as an antioxidant and skin-conditioning agent. While Tocopheryl Acetate is generally considered safe for use in skincare products, some people may experience side effects, particularly if they have sensitive skin or a specific allergy to the ingredient.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Skin Irritation: Some people may experience minor skin irritation when using products containing Tocopheryl Acetate. This can manifest as redness, itching, or dryness.
    • Allergic Reaction: Though it's rare, some individuals may have an allergic reaction to Tocopheryl Acetate. Symptoms of an allergic reaction can include severe skin redness, swelling, hives, and in severe cases, difficulty breathing.
    • Eye Irritation: If a product containing Tocopheryl Acetate comes into direct contact with the eyes, it may cause eye irritation.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 3

​

• Sodium Benzoate
  • Sodium benzoate is a type of salt of benzoic acid and is commonly used as a preservative in many types of products, including food, medicines, and personal care products like baby wipes. It's used to prevent the growth of microbes, thereby prolonging the shelf life of products.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Skin Irritation: Some people might experience skin irritation from products containing sodium benzoate. This could present as redness, itching, or a rash. Babies have sensitive skin, so they may be more susceptible to irritation.
    • Allergic Reactions: Though rare, some individuals may have an allergic reaction to sodium benzoate, which could result in symptoms such as redness, swelling, or hives.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 3

​

• Malic acid
  • Malic acid is an organic compound that is found in many fruits, notably apples. It is often used in cosmetics and personal care products, including baby wipes, for its role as a pH adjuster, humectant, and skin-conditioning agent. While malic acid is generally safe for use in these products, like any substance, it can potentially cause side effects in some people.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Skin Irritation: Malic acid can cause skin irritation, particularly in individuals with sensitive skin or allergies. Symptoms can include redness, itching, or discomfort at the site of application.
    • Allergic Reactions: Though rare, some individuals may have an allergic reaction to malic acid. Signs of an allergic reaction can include severe skin redness, hives, swelling, and, in severe cases, difficulty breathing.
    • Eye Irritation: If a baby wipe containing malic acid comes into contact with the eyes, it could potentially cause irritation.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 4

​

• Butoxy PEG-4 PG-Amodimethicone
  • Butoxy PEG-4 PG-Amodimethicone is a type of silicone that is water-soluble and often used in personal care products such as baby wipes. It's primarily used as a conditioning agent, providing a soft, smooth feel to the skin. As of my knowledge cutoff in September 2021, there's limited specific research available on the side effects of Butoxy PEG-4 PG-Amodimethicone. However, considering its chemical structure and similarities with other types of silicones, potential side effects may include.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Skin Irritation: Although rare, this ingredient could potentially cause skin irritation in some individuals, particularly those with sensitive skin. This might manifest as redness, itching, or a rash.
    • Allergic Reactions: Although very rare, there could be a risk of an allergic reaction. Symptoms might include severe redness, itching, hives, or swelling.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 3

​

• Polysorbate 20
  • Polysorbate 20 is a common ingredient in many personal care products, including baby wipes. It acts as a surfactant and emulsifier, helping to mix oil and water components, and it's generally regarded as safe for use in cosmetics and personal care products.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Skin Irritation: Some people may experience skin irritation when using products with Polysorbate 20. This could result in redness, itchiness, or a rash. This is more common in people with sensitive skin or those who are allergic to the ingredient.
    • Allergic Reaction: In rare instances, some people might have an allergic reaction to Polysorbate 20. Symptoms could include severe skin redness, swelling, hives, or, in the most serious cases, difficulty breathing.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 3

​
​
The grading system used by EWG in the Skin Deep database is as follows:
1 to 2: Low hazard
3 to 6: Moderate hazard
7 to 10: High hazard

Hey all - Daku Aquatics here with my weekly list of aquatic goodness!
New and improved with MORE VARIETY, LOWER PRICES, AND BULK DISCOUNTS on multiple items!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My homebred Gold & Silver Medaka Ricefish are once again available!
I breed and raise these indoors and outdoors in a temp range of 50F to 95F degrees. They are extremely hardy and do well in virtually all conditions I’ve kept and bred them in.
This strain of Medaka breed 50/50 gold and silver. They community spawn by depositing their eggs on plants or floaters in the aquarium. They are great in patio ponds and fish tanks alike!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ALL NEW BUCE IS IN! I have also included macro shots of each variety for your viewing pleasure.
HALF CLUMPS available for 50% OFF REGULAR CLUMP PRICE!
\REDDIT BUCE SALE* -* 20% off ALL Bucephalandra with your order of $50 or more in Buce!
These plants are just as easy as the other epiphyte plants i offer like Anubias - give them a try!
If you are undecided or new to Buce, or don't want full clumps of any 1 variety, let me know and i can suggest some of my favorites and/or put together a custom pack based off your needs and budget!
My UPDATED Buce List with pricing can be found here: https://imgur.com/a/sCOIaQM
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All my Neocaridina Shrimp are homebred in remineralized tap water at:
Temp 73 - 78 PH 6.5 - 7.0 TDS 250-350 GH 8-12 KH 3-5
I am currently offering multiple varieties of high grade shrimp i breed myself!
I also offer multi-color "Skittle" 10+2 packs if you want a mix of colors for your tank! Skittle pack is a mix of Red, Blue, Orange, Yellow, Black, White, and Jade! You may also request any color and quantity combination for your perfect mix, though my 10+2 packs are currently limited due to heavy sales, trying to let my colonies bounce back!
10+2 packs of ANY COLOR for $36.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Most of the plants in my fish rooms are homegrown by me, and I am now working with a local plant nursery to offer you a lot more popular & easy plants to choose from.
EVERYTHING I offer is grown low tech WITHOUT co2 injection or high lighting. I dose an all-in-one liquid fertilizer once a week to all of my tanks and use low to medium lighting - that's it!
PM if if you're looking for a custom plant pack - We can come up with something nice together!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Invoices via PayPal.
Shipping is $10 for USPS Priority with tracking on all orders.
shipping rates for the continental US only - PM me if you are in HI, AK, or a US territory for a shipping quote.
You can order more than one item for the same shipping rate - Lets fill those boxes up!
Local pick up OK! Shoot me a message if you're in my area.
Orders go out multiple times a week - never wait long for your order to arrive!
Gold & Silver Medaka Ricefish - 5 for $25
Skittle Mix Shrimp 10+2 pack - $36
EASY PLANT PACK (6 Anubias (any type!) & 4 Java Ferns) - $60 each
Java Fern (regular or lace) - $6 each / 5 for $25
Anubias Varieties - $7 each / 5 for $30
Stem Plant Bunches - $6 each / 5 for $20
Cryptocoryne Pots - $5 each / 5 for $20
Amazon Sword Plants - $5 each
Moss Portions - $8 each / Coral & Cameroon - $10 each
Java Moss on 5x3in mats - $15 each / 2 for $25
Hydrocotyle Tripartita on 5x3in mats - $15 each / 2 for $25
Monte Carlo $5 each
Dwarf Baby Tears - $5 each
S. Repens - $5 each
Micro Sword - $5 each
Sagittaria Subulata - $6 for 5 rooted crowns
Guppy Grass - $6 for 10-15 stems
Red Root Floaters - $10 sandwich bag portion
Catappa Leaf (Indian Almond Leaf) - $5 for 10 leaves
Cholla Wood - $5 for 2 logs
*There are snails in ALL of my tanks.
*My floating plants are DUCKWEED-FREE!
[LIVE ARRIVAL GUARANTEE]: In the event of a DOA, I will replace the effected livestock or plants and reship FOR FREE. I stand behind my livestock, plants, and shipping methods, so I do not require you to re-pay shipping fees like most sellers in this industry. It rarely happens, but if it does, please send clear photos of the effected plants or animals in their closed shipping bags within 2 hours of the first delivery attempt and I'll make it right!
Have a great day and thank you for your continued support all these years!

​
https://preview.redd.it/nclvdin2tz4b1.png?width=1958&format=png&auto=webp&s=cacfc94a0ab7f61c1ee03545da9d15f15cb41b99
Caution: It's important to remember that these evaluations are guides to potential health concerns and not definitive measures of a product's safety or efficacy. They are based on individual ingredients rather than any negative effects the final product may have. The way ingredients interact in a formulation can influence their potential impact, and the presence of a specific ingredient does not automatically equate to harm when used in a product. It's always crucial to do your own research, consider the product as a whole, and keep in mind that personal reactions can vary greatly. When making decisions about personal care products, it is recommended to consult with healthcare professionals.
​
Brief: The formula is largely based on nonfat milk and lactose, which mimic the natural composition of breast milk. Vegetable oils provide essential fatty acids, while the included ARA and DHA promote brain and eye development. Prebiotics like galactooligosaccharides and fructooligosaccharides are beneficial for gut health. Nonetheless, parents should note that palm olein oil may interfere with calcium absorption. Also, soy allergies are common in infants, so caution is advised if your child has shown any soy-related symptoms. Always consult a pediatrician before introducing a new formula.
​
Ingredients: Nonfat Milk, Lactose, Vegetable Oils (Palm Olein, Soy, Coconut, High Oleic [Safflower or Sunflower] Oil), Whey Protein Concentrate, Galactooligosaccharides, Less Than 1%: Mortierella Alpina Oil, Crypthecodinium Cohnii Oil, Fructooligosaccharides, Soy Lecithin, Vitamin A Palmitate, Vitamin D3, Vitamin E Acetate, Vitamin K1, Thiamine Hydrochloride, Riboflavin, Vitamin B6 Hydrochloride, Vitamin B12, Niacinamide, Folic Acid, Calcium Carbonate, Calcium Chloride, Calcium Hydroxide, Magnesium Chloride, Ferrous Sulfate, Zinc Sulfate, Manganese Sulfate, Cupric Sulfate, Potassium Bicarbonate, Potassium Iodide, Potassium Hydroxide, Potassium Phosphate, Sodium Selenite, Sodium Citrate, Taurine, L-Carnitine, Beta-Carotene, Mixed Tocopherol Concentrate, Ascorbyl Palmitate, Monoglycerides, Nucleotides (Adenosine-5'-Monophosphate, Cytidine-5'-Monophosphate, Disodium Guanosine-5'-Monophosphate, Disodium Uridine-5'-Monophosphate)
​

Typical ingredients description and side effects

​

• Zinc Sulfate
  • Zinc sulfate is a mineral that is frequently used in dietary supplements and baby formulas. Zinc is an essential nutrient that supports various body functions, including immune function, protein synthesis, wound healing, DNA synthesis, and cell division. It's particularly important for babies as they grow and develop.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Gastrointestinal Issues: Excessive intake of zinc can cause gastrointestinal issues such as vomiting, diarrhea, and stomach cramps.
    • Zinc Toxicity: While rare, severe overconsumption can lead to zinc toxicity, with symptoms including loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and headaches. Long-term excessive intake could potentially interfere with the body's absorption of other essential minerals like copper and iron.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 6

​

• Manganese Sulfate
  • Manganese sulfate is a mineral that's often used in dietary supplements and food products, including baby formula. Manganese is an essential nutrient that supports many body functions, including bone development, metabolism, and brain function. As of my knowledge, manganese sulfate is generally considered safe in the quantities typically found in food and formula, but excessive intake can lead to adverse effects
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Neurological Effects: High levels of manganese exposure have been associated with neurological issues, but this is generally associated with environmental exposure (like inhaling manganese dust), not dietary intake.
    • Interference with Iron Absorption: Manganese can interfere with the absorption of iron. This is generally not a problem with the levels of manganese found in baby formula, but it could potentially be an issue with very high levels of intake.
    • Digestive Issues: As with any mineral, consuming excessive amounts could potentially cause digestive issues like nausea or diarrhea.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 3

​

• Ferrous Sulfate
  • Ferrous sulfate is a type of iron supplement that's often added to baby formulas. Iron is an essential nutrient that's necessary for the production of hemoglobin, a protein in red blood cells that carries oxygen from the lungs to the rest of the body. It's also worth noting that some infants may have difficulty absorbing iron from supplements like ferrous sulfate, which can potentially lead to issues such as iron deficiency anemia. However, most infants can absorb and utilize the iron in baby formula without issue.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Gastrointestinal Issues: These can include nausea, constipation, diarrhea, or stomach upset.
    • Iron Toxicity: Though very rare and typically associated with accidental ingestion of iron supplements, iron toxicity can be serious, causing symptoms like dizziness, rapid heartbeat, rapid breathing, fever, and in severe cases, can lead to organ damage.
    • Interference with Nutrient Absorption: Excessive iron can interfere with the absorption of other nutrients, such as zinc.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 4

​

• Sodium Selenite
  • Sodium selenite is a form of selenium, an essential mineral required for a variety of biological functions. It is sometimes used in infant formula to ensure that babies get an appropriate amount of this nutrient. Selenium plays several important roles in the body. It's a key component of various enzymes and proteins, many of which are involved in protecting cells from damage. It also supports a healthy immune system, aids in DNA production, and is involved in thyroid hormone metabolism. However, like all nutrients, selenium needs to be consumed in appropriate amounts. Both too much and too little selenium can be harmful.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Selenium Toxicity (Selenosis): Although it's rare, consuming too much selenium over time can lead to selenosis. Symptoms might include gastrointestinal upset, hair loss, white blotchy nails, garlic breath odor, fatigue, irritability, and mild nerve damage.
    • Interference with Other Nutrients: High levels of selenium can interfere with the absorption of other essential nutrients, like zinc.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 10

​

• Vitamin A Acetate
  • Vitamin A Acetate, also known as retinyl acetate, is a form of vitamin A that's often added to food products, including infant formula, due to its essential role in supporting vision, the immune system, and overall growth and development. It's generally safe for use in such products, but as with any nutrient, too much can lead to adverse effects. It's important to note that these side effects are generally associated with excessive intake over a prolonged period, not normal dietary consumption.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Vitamin A Toxicity (Hypervitaminosis A): This can occur if an infant is given too much Vitamin A over a long period of time. Symptoms can include nausea, dizziness, blurred vision, and even hair loss in severe cases. However, it is extremely rare and typically associated with over-supplementation, not food sources.
    • Birth Defects: Consuming extremely high levels of Vitamin A during pregnancy can potentially lead to birth defects. However, this is not relevant to baby formula but rather a concern for pregnant women.
    • Interactions with other nutrients: High levels of Vitamin A can interfere with the absorption and utilization of other vitamins, such as Vitamin D and Vitamin K.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 9

​

• Tocopheryl Acetate
  • Tocopheryl Acetate is a form of vitamin E that is often added to baby formula, skincare products, and various other products. Vitamin E is an essential nutrient known for its antioxidant properties. It plays a crucial role in protecting cells from damage, supporting immune function, and promoting healthy skin and eyes. In the context of baby formula, tocopheryl acetate is generally safe and unlikely to cause side effects when consumed at levels that are within the recommended dietary allowances for infants. However, like any nutrient, it could potentially cause side effects if consumed excessively.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Bleeding: Vitamin E has mild anticoagulant properties, meaning it can prevent blood clots. While this is typically a good thing, in large amounts, it could potentially increase the risk of bleeding.
    • Nausea, Diarrhea, Stomach Cramps: Some people may experience digestive upset from consuming too much vitamin E.
    • Rash: Some individuals may have a skin reaction to topical use of tocopheryl acetate, though this is less relevant for its presence in baby formula
  • EWG Skin Grade: 3

​

• Potassium Hydroxide
  • Potassium Hydroxide is commonly used in the food industry as a pH regulator or a food stabilizer. It helps to maintain the acidity or alkalinity of food, which is important for flavor, preservation, and food safety. In baby formula, Potassium Hydroxide is used to adjust the pH to make it as close to human milk as possible, to ensure optimal digestion and nutrient absorption.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Irritation: Potassium hydroxide is known to be caustic, meaning it can cause irritation or burns if it comes into direct contact with the skin or eyes in its pure form. However, in food products like baby formula, it's used in very diluted quantities that are safe for consumption.
    • Digestive Issues: If consumed in large amounts, potassium hydroxide could potentially cause digestive issues such as nausea or vomiting. However, the small amounts used in food products are unlikely to cause such effects.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 5

​

• Soy Lecithin
  • Soy lecithin is a common ingredient found in various food products, including baby formulas. It is derived from soybean oil and is used as an emulsifier, helping to blend and stabilize the ingredients in the formula. Soy lecithin is generally considered safe for consumption, but like any food ingredient, it can have potential side effects or considerations.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Allergies or Sensitivities: Soy is one of the top food allergens, and some individuals may have allergies or sensitivities to soy products, including soy lecithin. Allergic reactions can vary in severity and may include symptoms such as hives, swelling, difficulty breathing, or digestive issues. If your baby has a known soy allergy or shows signs of an allergic reaction after consuming a baby formula containing soy lecithin, it is important to discontinue use and consult a healthcare professional.
    • Digestive Sensitivities: Some individuals, including babies, may have digestive sensitivities to soy-based products. This can manifest as symptoms like gas, bloating, colic, or diarrhea. If your baby experiences any of these symptoms after consuming a baby formula containing soy lecithin, you may consider discussing alternative formulas with your pediatrician.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 4

​

• Vitamin A Acetate
  • Vitamin A Acetate, also known as retinyl acetate, is a form of vitamin A that's often added to food products, including infant formula, due to its essential role in supporting vision, the immune system, and overall growth and development. It's generally safe for use in such products, but as with any nutrient, too much can lead to adverse effects. It's important to note that these side effects are generally associated with excessive intake over a prolonged period, not normal dietary consumption.
  • Potential Side Effects:
    • Vitamin A Toxicity (Hypervitaminosis A): This can occur if an infant is given too much Vitamin A over a long period of time. Symptoms can include nausea, dizziness, blurred vision, and even hair loss in severe cases. However, it is extremely rare and typically associated with over-supplementation, not food sources.
    • Birth Defects: Consuming extremely high levels of Vitamin A during pregnancy can potentially lead to birth defects. However, this is not relevant to baby formula but rather a concern for pregnant women.
    • Interactions with other nutrients: High levels of Vitamin A can interfere with the absorption and utilization of other vitamins, such as Vitamin D and Vitamin K.
  • EWG Skin Grade: 9

​
​
The grading system used by EWG in the Skin Deep database is as follows:
1 to 2: Low hazard
3 to 6: Moderate hazard
7 to 10: High hazard

P.S: I think I'm deeply fucked on a fundamental level [I'm pessimistic?]. I can't empirically and completely justify it, but that is what I feel. All that I have written is based on this feeling. This will be long and overexplained, and yes, this post is a biiiit political. Please don't shoot me, I won't ask you to vote for xyz.
I think I had a pretty rough start compared to the average person. I won't play Trauma Olympics, but I think that I had a set of life circumstances that were niche enough that there just weren't as many resources and attention dedicated to people like me. In other words, I think people like me are uniquely marginalized. What's this special can of worms you ask? I'm a second-generation Chinese American. I think it's funny just saying that, but I do think politically and socially we are kind of like homeless. The vast majority of U.S Asian Americans in general feel like they don't really belong here, so I don't think I'm a special snowflake or something. Which honestly is even more depressing.
I don't think I'm treated with respect. I think people speak over me. I see it a lot in how I'm stereotyped. People think they are all sorts of smart when they make China jokes to me. I'm not exactly offended, but I feel like it's a means to take power away from me. I feel like I have to fight for my dignity more than the average American. It feels bad because it's a sort of hypervigilance that's been forced on me that's admittedly, in part, self-imposed.
This goes towards the positive ends of the spectrum as well. I sometimes get people asking me "Are you Japanese/Korean". That might seem like an innocent question, but I interpret it differently. I think people see Japanese and Koreans as "good East Asians". I.e Japanese people are polite and proper and Koreans are hot. So when somebody says "You look a bit Korean", it feels like they're saying you must be Korean because I find you good-looking for an East Asian. And when somebody asks me "Are you Japanese" after giving them, well, good service it feels off. The times when I replied with "No I'm Chinese" have been met with mixed reactions. Most people are cool, but some people I won't even get into. This, I believe some would call benevolent racism.
All this exposition is to overexplain that as a racial minority, you're probably going to have to navigate problems that the average American doesn't have to. This is not the end of the world - it's not like these problems are unmanageable. However, I think that there just aren't enough resources out there to get people like me to understand how to properly manage these challenges. For example, I don't really know how to deal with rude people. Why? Well, part of it I think is because I found that the people who tried to teach me couldn't really relate to me on an emotional level.
Let me paint the scene: I probably overreacted/reacted unstrategically to some rude/racist behavior. Enough of these incidents happen and the school tries to help me. Teachers and psychologists try to give me pointers. I could not fathom it. "Ignore it". "Kill them with kindness". "They're just kids". "Don't stoop to their level". I could not fathom it because I thought they were basically asking me to forgive my enemies. It made no sense to me back then, and some parts of it still do not make sense to me today. I felt that people who were rude to me were basically assaulting my humanity because you need to see someone like they are below you to treat them like shit. It was like I was being robbed of my power. I could do nothing to fight back, and I still cannot. I have resorted to ignoring it because I feel that there is just simply nothing I can do in front of that kind of behavior.
I think Asian Americans have it the hardest socially with respect to this. There is not even the option of fighting fire with fire, because you're just kind of a meme race. There's sort of a filter with this stuff, If you know what people say about Asian eating habits... then you're in the know.
All this is to overexplain that a large part of my life has been figuring out my identity. Unfortunately, my identity was mostly shoved down my throat because of a set of life circumstances. Having to figure out how to navigate social environments when you don't have the necessary tools and resources plus the minority penalty means that I have catching up to do. Catching up that's more difficult as you get older, it looks like. I'm not fully caught up. Everyone is kind of a work in progress but I think I am lagging behind. I think I'm a boring person that questions himself too much. Unconfident. A lot of it has to do with, yes, the entire essay above.
It just feels like my life is something that I am being motherfucking subjected to. It feels like I have to carry this sack of responsibilities, roles, stereotypes, and expectations with me. Why the hell was I born into this? What the fuck. It is a slog. And forgive me, but I do envy others because it looks like their sack is less heavy. Can we please trade sacks?
I am bitter and tired. I only go through with the motions of life instead of living it. It is hard for me to care about things. What makes me excited right now is Judo. That's just because I like the pain and violence. I like the fact that we are being trained to control another human being. Yes, control and power. I get to drag people this way and that way then I clobber them with uchi mata. It's a place where I get to impose my will on another living human being. It's amazing. I know, I'm sadistic. It's a place where I can let loose without questioning myself. For once, I get to meet someone head-on instead of ignoring them. For once I can go bone against bone and they cannot laugh me off. For once, I fucking matter and even I can't deny nor question myself, because everything in the dojo is a result of effort. Yes, when I get slammed or slam somebody else, it is all earned. The pain is real. The victory is real. Judo makes me alive. I don't think I would have gotten better with it.
I have a hard time finding the words to tie this with dating. I don't want to rant or throw shit on the wall until something sticks. I think that when having to try your best to meet expectations and responsibilities is the norm, not trying can be seen as cool and rebellious, liberating. I do not think this is particularly novel. Lots of young people are doing stuff like this. In China, they have "laying flat". In America, we have antiwork, zoomers and their mentality(gen I belong to), and I think lots of feminist movements do something like this too(being aware of emotional labor). I see dating as another kind of social dance. And social skills are something that I lag behind on. Please trade sacks with me.
The problem is that I evidently care about having a woman love me. I just do. The idea of a girlfriend excites me if I let it. The problem is I might be a misogynist. I believe general stuff found on PurplePillDebate. I'm of the mind that the best a guy like me can do is to ignore it when cute couples hold hands or the hot guy at the gym sleeps with all the girls there. I'm pretty bitter about it because I wish I was in their position. There is nothing that I can do to change this. I think that part of my fantasy is the need for a woman to validate me for who I am without me having to put in the effort. Why? Because I want to drop that damn sack for a second god damn it. I'm just way too bitter and tired. The joke is that I'm fucking 23 and graduating in a week. It's okay you can laugh. I allow it lol.
The worse part is I think I'm jaded enough that people can see it. I try to be chill but truly, I am fucking jaded. My worse fear is that I do actually become habitually violent. It's has happened before when I question myself. "Why are you such a pushover", and suddenly I let loose some restraints. It's quite ugly. I just don't know how to deal with the shit in my life.
I won't go too much into it, but there's also an entire discourse about Asian American gender relations. I don't want to go into that entire rabbit hole, but it's there. If you know, you know. I will not get into it, but I think I am pretty misogynistic. Especially towards AA women. As in I assume they don't like me because I remind them of their brother.
Oh btw here's me.
​
https://preview.redd.it/0zlvbb2gpz4b1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3d5329b113ecdbf5faee83c6889860c085f1a3c4
If you made it this far, thanks. See you in the comments.

Patreon
previous Table of Contents
tends to crumble
“Quite distressing,” says the older man, there in the wingback chair. “Though one does not wish to play the churl. A certain degree of disarray must certainly be allowed, given the shocks – the challenge, the duel – ”
“Allowed?” says Agravante, there by the yellow stone fireplace, an elbow up on the mantel, and the older man takes a sip of milky tea from a thin bone china cup. “How is the King’s champion, by the way?” he says.
“Death’s door,” says Agravante. There on the mantel by his elbow a fiendish little basket-box, carved from a chunk of dark red wood. “Shame,” says the older man, shaking his head, stiff grey curls swept back, and the collar of his shirt undone, a blue scarf knotted tidily about his throat. “Though it is distasteful, how they might linger, on that threshold? Neither here, nor there,” and another sip of tea.
“What is it that distresses you, Medardus,” says Agravante. White-gold locks tied neatly black, his grey suit shot with blue.
“It’s a delicate question I’d have answered, Pinabel,” says the older man, setting the cup in the saucer on his lap, clink. “Does the King yet mean to pursue his bold vision?”
Agravante’s brow pinches. “Of course,” he says. “Insofar as I know.”
Medardus smiles. “Delicately put,” he says. “It’s been two days.”
“These things take time.”
“Two days,” says Medardus, “since he took from me mine offer,” knobbled fingers closing in a fist, drawn up by his yet-mild smile. “And not a word said since.”
“There’s much to be considered,” says Agravante. “Four of you do vie for her hand.”
“Please, Pinabel,” says Medardus, dropping his hand, and a clatter of cup and saucer. “It’s an indulgence to pretend the choice isn’t manifestly clear – that mine is not the best offering.”
“The best, perhaps,” says Agravante. “But sufficient?” A slatey shoulder shrugs.
“The King would demand more?”
“How can I answer that,” says Agravante, “when I know nothing of what you’ve promised, or he might require.”
“Nothing,” says Medardus, still smiling. “Such a delicate word.” Setting cup and saucer on the low table between them. “I would hope,” he says, “it could always be said that the Hound has done well by Medardus,” and he knots those knobby fingers in his lap. “Much as it can be said, to a surety, that Medardus has done well by the Hound.”
Rather carefully, Agravante does not smile at that, or nod, his shoulders do not move, nor does his arm, there by the basket-box. “Of course,” he says.
“But it’s also said,” says Medardus, “that a fear grips your court: that the line is not unbroken. That the Queen, despite her, prodigious recovery, has no Bride of her own. That your King’s hand, howsomever reluctantly, is forced. That he means,” and here Medardus leans forward, elbows on knees, “to take the Princess for himself, and that is why our offers go unanswered.” Sitting back, a dismissive fillip of his fingers. “Or so it’s said.”
“By some,” says Agravante.
“Indeed,” says Medardus.
“But not to me,” says Agravante.
“Ah.” Medardus pushes himself to his feet. “Tell me,” he says, as Agravante leads him out of the little drawing room, “how fares the Count?”
“Grandfather?” says Agravante, pushing open the sliding wood-paneled door. “He sleeps.” Beyond, a narrow hall, in the shadow of a long straight staircase.
•
“Oh,” he says. “It’s you.” A glass of wine in his hand, something dark. “She isn’t here.”
“She will be, soon enough,” says Marfisa, muddy boot up on the side porch step. “Jason, can I just, wait inside?” The collar of her sheepskin coat turned up, loose white hair stirred by a gust. He steps back, the door held open, his lips a sour purse between his mustache and his dull red beard.
Up the steps into a mud room, painted blue, forgotten coats and a tangle of umbrellas, a scooter, a chalkboard palimpsested with to-dos and shopping lists, “Ah ah,” he’s saying, pointing, thick-lensed glasses blanked out by the ceiling light, and she scrubs her boots against a mat before stepping up into a kitchen to the left there, ruddy stove and a steaming pot of something, stainless steel refrigerator hung about with coupons and note cards, a calendar, a math test festooned with red checks and gold stars, past a breakfast bar sloppily piled with newspapers and a box of soda cans, into a narrow sitting room, a low brown couch, a girl tucked at one end of it, under a red and yellow blanket, and pink headphones startling against her dark hair, watching something on the tablet on her lap. “Grace,” says Jason, still in the kitchen, but she’s already snatching off the headphones, a burst of chirpy music, as Marfisa steps about the low coffee table. “Hey, Mar,” says the girl on the couch, and “Grace,” says Jason again, “upstairs,” as Marfisa sits herself at the other end. Something bulky’s tucked in her coat, she leans over the table, pulling it out, a flat paper sack that spills out a sheaf of handbills, goldenrod pages splashed with black lines, a dancer rendered in calligraphy, and each marked by the green dot of an eye. “Oh, hey,” says the girl, springing from under the blanket, all elbows and knees and clattering headphones, “is that,” says Jason says “Grace!” again, but she’s already scooped up a handbill, turning it over and back again, nothing else to it but little pull-tabs at the bottom, each printed with an elaborately arabesqued question mark. “You’re putting these up?”
Marfisa shrugs. “You’ve seen them?”
“Yesterday, at Mississippi Pizza?” says Grace. “Did you hang ’em there?” Marfisa shrugs again. “The Mercury just had a thing about these things, like how nobody knows what they are, or who’s, it’s, it’s you! You’re doing it! Is it like, are you putting the band back together?”
“Grace,” says Jason.
“What,” snaps Grace, rolling her eyes away.
“Upstairs,” he says, “now. Flashcards till dinner.”
“Jason,” she says, but she’s kicking off the couch, scooping up the tablet, stomping around the table when back that way there’s a clatter and a squeak of hinges from that side porch, “I’m home!” cries someone, and “Carol!” cries Grace, turning on a dime, scampering off past Jason, through the kitchen, “Guess who’s here!”
Marfisa leans forward, slipping the handbills back in the sack, not looking up at Jason looking down at her.
And there’s Carol, by the breakfast bar, setting a brown leather book bag on the carpet. Draped in a brown and yellow striped serape, her dark hair neatly short. “Mar,” she says. “How are you.”
“Well as I might,” says Marfisa, looking up, pushing back a wave of white-gold hair. “What would you say to a chance to sing again, together?”
•
A hallway narrow, dim, dark doors to either side, silvery numerals set in the walls by each, slender 1s, a wiry 7, great round-bellied 6es, an 8, a 9. Iona in her yellow track suit leads the way around a corner, stops before the door at the end of the hall. 620, the numerals beside it. She plucks a white card from a pocket, holds it up before slipping it into the slot above the knob. “I miss keys,” she says, as the lock chunks, a green light flicking on. “These may be better, but not in any way that matters.” She opens the door. “Go on,” she says.
Within brown walls and gold, bathed in daylight hazed by yellow curtains drawn over corner windows. A comfortable yellow chair, a reading table and a lamp, unlit. A wide bed draped in blue and brown and at the foot of it, sat tailor-fashion, Ysabel, in a white chemise, and soft white leg-warmers thickly rumpled. “Starling,” she says, with a smile.
“My Queen,” says the Starling, a shadow there by yellow Iona, black jeans, black sweatshirt, the hood of it up. “This is not our usual Thursday,” she says, in not much more than a whisper.
“This isn’t a Thursday,” says Ysabel, nodding to Iona, who steps out, closing the door behind her. “This is a whole weekend, if you’d like.”
“But I must dance, ma’am,” says the Starling. “Today and tonight, at the club, and Saturday – ”
“It has been cleared, with your, manager,” says Ysabel. “You’re free, till Monday.”
“Free to be here, with you,” says the Starling. And then, “If it’s just to be the two of us?” Her words worn thin.
“If you’d like,” says Ysabel. “Or, step back through that door. The Chariot will happily take you anywhere in the city you may wish to go.”
The Starling reaches for the strap of the black gym bag slung from her shoulder. “I don’t mind,” she says, “being with you. I’ll just go change,” but “No,” says Ysabel, quickly, “Starling, no. Put that down. Sit with me.”
“My Queen,” says the Starling. “I am not who I am, when I’m with you.”
“Please,” says Ysabel. “Sit.”
The gym bag slumps to the speckled brown carpet. Stepping over, the Starling stands a moment before the foot of that bed, and Ysabel sat there, smiling up, but then she turns, the Starling, and finds the yellow chair behind her, and sits, a darkness in that weak light.
“I’m glad you came,” says Ysabel.
“My Queen desired it,” says the Starling.
“I thought,” says Ysabel, looking away. “I’d thought today that I might dance for you. I have danced, you know. At a party. She said I was quite good.”
“Of course,” says the Starling.
“I settled on an outfit,” says Ysabel, looking down at herself, “nothing too elaborate,” and “Good,” says the Starling, “but,” says Ysabel, “I’ve been flummoxed by my lips. What should the color be?” A hand, lifted to her mouth, her hair, “White?” she says. “To go with the ensemble? Or would that be too much? Would a simple red be enough?”
“No one pays attention to the lipstick,” says the Starling.
“You do,” says Ysabel, quickly, even sharply, and then, “You take such care, with yours.”
That hood shifts, down, to one side, dim light passing over her chin, the tip of her nose. “White’s better for the stage,” she says. “Too bold for such close quarters.”
“A simple red it is.”
“Your majesty is sad,” says the Starling, then. “Why should that be?”
“I,” says Ysabel, shoulders lifting, and her chin, a retort swelling but then suddenly pricked, deflating, and she looks away. “Affairs of the city,” she says.
“Not the heart, then?” says the Starling. “Nor the hips?”
Ysabel untucks herself, a bare foot lowered to the carpet, and her hands on the edge of the bed. “Tell me,” she says. “Do you know the smell, of blood?”
That shadow sits up. “I do, ma’am,” says the Starling.
“She sleeps,” Ysabel’s saying. “Peacefully. Her wound is poulticed with a fief’s portion. The bleeding’s long since stopped, but,” and she takes in a deep breath, shivering at the top of it, a sigh, “wherever I go in those rooms I still can smell it, that – tang, like an armor hot from the sun, and I,” but the Starling’s standing, stepping over, she kneels at the foot of the bed, reaches for a hand that Ysabel lifts away, “here I am,” she says, “holed up in a hotel across town.”
The Starling sits back on her heels. “Would you rather go to her?” but Ysabel’s shaking her head, “The Mason,” she says, “watches over her. She wants for nothing. I am,” but then she stops, and the Starling catches her hand, draws it down, covers it with her own. Ysabel says, “My brother once told me,” but then she stops again, blinking rapidly, looking down at the Starling looking up from under her black hood. “He was once a little boy,” says Ysabel. “Did you know that?”
“The King,” says the Starling, “yes, ma’am, of course. I remember those days.”
“Not even a Prince, just an infant, he came to me, in the little garden, and took my hand, and asked me, sister, why are you crying?” Turning her hand in the Starling’s hand, taking hold of it, squeezing. “And I said, because I do not wish to wed. But I am the Bride, I said, and one day a King will come, and I must take his hand. Whether I will or no, I must, but he,” looking away, “he swore to me, then and there, most earnestly, that he would one day be the King, that I might never need take anyone’s hand.”
The Starling says, “And he did just that.”
“My brother,” says Ysabel, “the King, this,” and her eyes close, the lashes of them shining, “city,” she says, and her mouth closes about another, unsaid word, she swallows, and a lick at her lips. “Jo,” she says.
“My Queen,” says the Starling. “I will go, and change, and dance for you, to take your mind,” but “No,” says Ysabel, leaning forward, her hands on the Starling’s shoulders, “do not change, do not dress, do not perform,” lifting a hand, right to the very hem of that hood, but then pulled back, withdrawn. “I would see you just as you are,” she says, her hands once more in her lap.
“But, my lady,” says the Starling, and she reaches up to draw back that hood. “I am always as I am.” Black hair uncurled, slicked back, clipped down to stubble along her temples, about those ears. Her cheeks, the line of that jaw. The nose. Those eyes, only a hazeled hint of green. Thin lips unpainted, upturned, parting as Ysabel leans close to say, “And you are with me,” and then a feathery kiss, tugging at the Starling’s hands, lifting, the Starling who stands up before her, and her hands fall to the Starling’s hips, rough black denim, the belt loops, her thumb, the wide leather belt, looking up, those green eyes. She yanks at the bulky black sweatshirt, “Get this off,” she says, and the Starling lifts it up and off and tosses it aside. Bare now from the waist up, and the torso of her lean and long, and her long arms sinewy lowering, curling, Ysabel’s darkly hands caught up against the smooth pale chest of her by those wide white hands, and the backs of them snarled with thick blue veins.
“Now would you have me go and change?” murmurs the Starling.
“But you are beautiful,” says Ysabel, slipping her hands free, reaching for the tongue of the belt. The buckle jangles. “Majesty,” says the Starling, “I am many things, but,” and a gasp, at the kiss pressed there below her shadowed navel, as those black jeans loosen, lop, as Ysabel’s fingers dip within to uncurl a palely slender cock, and a stroke for the lengthening lift of it, “oh,” says the Starling, “my Queen, you needn’t,” as her hand cups Ysabel’s face.
“But do you want me to,” says Ysabel, and the Starling, shivering, nods. “The principles, I should think,” says Ysabel, “are essentially the same?” And a lick of a kiss for the tip of it, there on her palm.
•
Pinned to the pole a mulching bark of posters, flyers, handbills, postcards, lapped and shingled one over another, rain-dimpled, sun-faded, twisted, torn, defaced, Thrash or Die, April Showers Burlesque, Snap! at the Holocene, Anodyne Presents, Missing Dog, Laughing Horse, Drum Circle Saturday Rain or Shine, Cinco de Mayo on the Waterfront, big black letters on an enormous sheet, Grupo Samurjay, Grupo Maravilla, Los Supremos de Los Hermanos Flores, Woodburn Rocks. As the bus pulls away she’s pushing back her black hair looking up toward the top of that slithery bristling treeline, there where handfuls of old notices have been ripped away leaving crowded dozens of denuded staples, glinting, by a metal sign that says No Parking This Block, a relatively fresh sheet of goldenrod paper, mad black scribbles limning a dancer, a single eye of bright green ink. She reaches up, to the pull-tabs fluttering the bottom of it, each printed with only an elaborately arabesqued question mark. Her other hand holds fast a black leather knapsack slung from the shoulder of her slick black jacket. Her glasses with thick black frames. With a sudden yank she rips the handbill down.
A broad porch with four front doors set one right next to another, and she unlocks, slips through the third of them, and up an immediate steep staircase, narrow between dark walls, unlit, that yellow page bright in her hand. Around the wall at the top of the stairs through an open room a couch the floor before it piled with cardboard boxes into a long hall once painted white, some time ago, lit by daylight seeping in from somewhere else. At the end of it a dark room, curtains drawn, and she closes the door behind her, a shadow in the shadows. Flump of the knapsack, dropped to the floor, creaking footstep, the thick click of a switch. Light blares from naked bulbs in the fixture in the middle of the ceiling, pink springs from the walls all whorled curlicues and faded bouquets, the bed there, skewed bedclothes striped dull brown and beige, and on the floor at the foot of it a great conical pile knee-high or more of gleaming golden dust.
She steps around it, jacket half-unzipped. A ridge of the pile has settled, slumped, dust trailed over the floor away from it, and the goldenrod poster drops, crumpled, from the hand she’s lifting to her throat, to the bit of black lace tied there. Steps back, around the bed. She grabs a little hand broom from the nightstand. Kneels down by the pile. Begins to sweep up the goldstuff, careful with each thread and grain.
•
Eyelids a-twitch, lips parting just to say not even a whisper, maybe a number, counting, nine or ten, eleven, those lids blink open over mud-colored eyes that swivel, narrow, try to focus, a gleaming edge there, mirror-bright, shifting as she blinks the length of it flat and smooth and slender, somehow deep within it coiling whorls of light and dark chased up and down a shallow groove that cleanly stretches up and up to a glittering net there on the pillow, wiry strands that knot a cage about a simple hilt she jerks away, kicks back sitting up, “Shit,” she says, as the sword’s tangled in the sheets, teetering at the edge of the futon. She’s bent over, thin white T-shirt, wine-red hair, rubbing her shin, a thin dark line of blood beading down by her ankle, “Shit,” she says, again. Snatching the hilt she whips the blade free from the sheets, “this fucking,” but it turns in her hand, a wrench and away it flies across the room to crack and a wibble it’s stabbed the white wall there by the plain black scabbard, hung from a nail, and the painted skull-mask also, the mane of it stirred by that thrust. Jo blinks. “Okay,” she says, to herself.
Without, the hallway’s dark, the little lights strung along the ceiling unlit. The kitchen beyond is empty, only glancing daylight and shadows. Jo leans over to knock at the door across the hall, “Ysabel?” she says, turning the knob. The room within all yellow and white, gauzy curtains, big bed neatly made, the armoire shut, and nothing draped over the dressing screen in the corner. “Ysabel?” says Jo again, but something, she looks down. Something lightly, barely there, faintly wisps, like down, like ash, falling from, brushing her foot, past her knee, caught there in the hem of her T-shirt, falling from, she lifts it, peering down at her belly beneath, and the line that climbs it packed with an ashen crust and a last few spangles of gold and, she touches it crumbling, flaking away, the pink skin taut beneath.
Back against the jamb. Dropping the hem of the shirt her hand to her breast, and quick wincing shallow breaths. Lurching up across and over to the dresser, a bouquet of heavy-headed peonies pink and yellow, she grabs a small brass box and pries it open, frees a cigarette, and a ragged book of matches.
The hall, the back room, dark, the back door and out, outside, out in the grass, under the sky, sunlight and blue sky, and glowering clouds behind, white and blue and grey and blue and greenly black, swollen with the coming rain. Fitting the cigarette to her lips but even as she opens the matchbook she’s falling to her knees in the lushly green, soft grass out to the parapets to either side, and she coughs up a sob, another, doubled over on her shaking shuddering self, her hand a fist to her chest.
The cigarette falls white to the grass before her. Feathers of grey-white ash caught about it, and sparks of gold.
A call behind her, muffled by walls and doors. Sitting up she catches, holds her breath. Swallows. A slam back there, distant, bump of a footfall, she wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and leans forward getting her feet under herself but the back door bangs open boot-thump someone shouting and she springs up turns her arm flung out the sword
The sword in her hand –
Her hand, her arm extended shoulder dropped her torso sidelong and her front foot planted, off leg leaned back straight and true, off hand slung back to balance the thrust that’s ended sword-tip snagged in a corner of his unzipped shortwaisted jacket yanked up one side he’s twisted, turned away from it, both arms flung up and alarm gently folding his face.
“Oh God,” says Jo, dropping the blade, the ring of it soft on the grass.
“You’re awake,” says Luys, lowering his arms. Brushing the front of his soft brown jacket, his finger finding the hole punched there. “Your coat,” says Jo, “I’m so, sorry,” but “No sin espinas,” he’s saying, almost to himself, holding out a hand, “You are awake,” he says, but she rushes past that hand to crash into him tumbling her arms about him there on the rooftop under the clouds, she’s kissing his throat and then as he lowers his head she looks up to kiss his mouth, his mouth.
https://preview.redd.it/31cs43s4pz4b1.png?width=35&format=png&auto=webp&s=5c5c990a3790e89b4ddcf70973bc9b387bf57179
previous Table of Contents
Patreon

💜