I leave late cause we got a meeting. Not with people you know, but you know i'll be bleeding when we get back. Can't find a reason to write you a text back, you'd look at our feelings and laugh. what happened to the past?
Are you alright? I just want someone to smile at us with kindness and not deceit, be able to accept without worrying about what we leave, behind. Our minds filled with different things, so we sit and write, and struggle to rhyme. I struggle to hide behind masks and lies, half-full of truth and our psyches- why do we hear so many versions of me crying? Out for my soul, out for my life. We don't wanna die but I'm too scared of being alive.
can i get a light? We can't stay out too late tonight. I tried to reason myself out of suicide, but the voices keep finding reasons why. They don't wanna exist trapped in one mind, and neither do I. that's why i'm almost always high, cause i'd rather swallow this bottle than take a bite of food. We can't eat if we're not in the right mood, and i always tried to tell you but for some reason its misconstrued. You think i'm a little weird, definitely not your average dude.
But we gotta make it work. I've always done my best to pull our roots from the dirt. i'm not putting out the best work, it and they and you and me and we and I could always be better, but that's the way life works. We gave you everything even when it hurt. We went out of our way make sure you're okay, but you treat us like dirt. don't even appreciate the ground that supports you, so what else can i do than give you what you deserve?
i'm sorry, I don't know man, we're feeling a little more crazy lately. everyone's getting hot and angry, i have to take a breather, baby. these people get on my nerves. I know i'm a little weird, listen, you don't wanna date me. you feel good but we're a little spacey, there's a lot of things to talk about, but everything's hazy, and I just wanna lay with you.

I started attending a new church last year and within a few months of being there I noticed this really cute guy there always staring at me, smiling at me and making an effort to sit near me. Our church is big and I don’t like to assume, so I just thought maybe he was being friendly. He never talks to me but I always see him, and he volunteers sometimes in a separate department from me, and so I interacted with him in passing. It’s been almost a full year since I have attended the church, and recently I decided to try online dating apps. I started on a christian app and within literally less than an hour of my account being active this guy from church super-liked my profile. At first he pretended like he didn’t know we went to the same church, but I assumed he was playing it cool, because later he said he did see me at church. So we started talking and things were going well and he was even opening up to me about his life and things were great, he asked to connect on instagram to take things off the app. For reference I am in my late twenties and he’s in his late thirties.
We’ve been talking on IG for almost three weeks, and in that time he’s asked to meet at church to say hello, I find this a bit odd, I would expect him to want to meet in a dating context for coffee or somewhere outside church when we’re both not serving or in the service. However, I am open-minded. Two weekends have passed and he’s either not messaged me to meet in a place at church and messages me later apologizing after we don't connect, or he didn’t show up to church. He also takes anywhere from 12-24 hours to respond to a message, it feels like we are writing letters back and forth. I understand both of us work and have lives, but every other man that has shown interest in me makes an effort to text me a couple times a day at least and makes plans.
Finally, I responded to one of his messages and ended it with we should meet up sometime outside church. Maybe he’s shy or nervous so I gave him an opportunity. He has not read the message yet, but I am convinced he read it in airplane mode or something because he hasn’t responded to it in two days. He’s been posting on instagram stories, and watching all of my stories.
I find this odd behaviour for a christian man in his late 30’s that serves in the church and knows I do too. If he’s lost interest, changed his mind or met someone else, I would prefer if he would just be upfront with me and say that so I can continue dating intentionally and won’t feel uncomfortable at church. I don't typically like dating and entertaining multiple conversations with men at the same time.
I would love some insight and how to deal with this? Should I unsend my last message, and just ignore him if I see him on service weekends and church? Should I address it with him in a follow-up message? Should I leave my message and confront him in person? I find this so awkward. I don't want to have to pursue him but I also don't like leaving things unsaid. I am not an avoider.

Hello, I am a 22 years old female. I have four siblings, 1 brother who is 1 year older than me and he has cerebral palsy (he is the blessing in our lives) and 3 elder sisters of which 2 middle ones are twins and the eldest one is married. So we sisters are in the field of medicine and all my elder sisters are graduated but I am the only one not graduated yet and we all are preparing for exams to pursue medicine in foreign countries and none of us is working at the moment. We all sisters live together in a house far away from our parents because of education and my parents can’t move with us because my father built his business in that small city 20 years ago so that he can support us for our future as we all are planning to move out of the country due to bad situation in general and it’s overall very expensive as we are 4 and foreign medical exams are super expensive hence my parents moving with us will totally ruin our financial status. So the problem here with us that we sisters fight a lot. Specially my middle twin sisters. Both of them are 26. My eldest sister is married but she is currently living with us because her husband is in another country so she is staying with us till she gets done with her exams and stuff. I basically study in a medical school which is in another city than my sisters or parents live in but I have summer vacations going on that is why I chose to live with my sisters for my vacations so that I can prepare for my exams as well. The problem with us is that we are happy in general with our studies and stuff but there happen to be a lot of fights between my sisters. Like I Just moved a few weeks back with them but the fights has been going on since we were kids. There are times that we are happy together but when the fights that happen are so big that they come to physical abuse. Mostly the fight includes one of my middle sisters who are twins. Let’s say she’s twin A. Now since we are growing up she has always been jealous of people like people whom she used to study with because they get higher grades and she always all the time says that people compare her with her twin sister Twin B. Twin A is average looking and average in grades and she generally fights with people and has no friends at all. While Twin B is pretty, slim, well mannered and have really good friends. Now all of my siblings I have been always told that I am the smartest one and I have good confidence and I have even travelled outside of the country few times alone hence I have good contacts and I am generally friendly with everyone but I am average looking. Now the comparison Twin A talks about is mostly with Twin B. It is with me as well but with Twin B is even with small things. Now for example if we have few people coming to our house and me and Twin B are usually talkative so if any person talks to me or talks to Twin B then Twin A throws tantrums that people always do that they talk to you and not to me they always do comparison. Twin A always says to Twin B that people talk to you because you are pretty. Now in general we belong to a good, decent family and we try to make things up. We always (specially me because she listens to me) to calm down the situation whenever we or they fight but the situation goes so much out of hand that Twin A starts verbal and physical abuse. Twin A beats Twin B. Twin B comes back with replies too but she never tries to defend herself. Twin A out of aggression would through phones or laptops or anything around her. I always say to Twin A that you are better in a lot of things in which Twin B and I are not and much more things like not everyone will talk to us but one time she would agree to me and then the other time she would start fighting again. Now let me go to little back story of Twin A. Twin A was good student in general when she was young. As twins they have always been with each other and even after all these years they are together because they are in the same profession and now preparing for the exams of the same country. Now Twin B was average in school back then but Twin A was very good but when the time of MCAT came, Twin B got selected and Twin A did not. Then Twin B got into a medical school in which she got selected because of good scores while Twin A did not get selected into the merit one due to very low scores in MCAT but there is system of self selection in my country where you would have to pay 4x extra money to get into a med school. As Twin A did not get selected she asked my father to get her into self selection one and then my father agreed she went into a 5 year medical school but the school was different from the one Twin B was into. Now when Twin A got into med school she faced a lot. She got diagnosed with religious OCD and we all sisters helped her through that we used to go with her to the doctor help her with stuff but the terms between Twin A and Twin B did not get any better. When Twin B got into med school on her own and she got separated from Twin A she saw a different perspective of life. She always said that she is glad she got out of Twin B’s negativity, comparison, jealousy and abusive environment. Twin A when she was in med school used to get into a lot of fights with people, she used to trust other people and give them money and she had a lot of issues with her roommates and people in the University as well. After 5 years both of them came out of their med school and started to live together because both are going for the same future path and they were living in the same city and it is generally not really safe for girls to live alone in my country and being from small city and being girls my parents are generally very much concerned about us. Now it has been 1.5 years since they have moved together there has been never a single day on which they had not fought. Twin B took her one foreign medical exam and passed although she started late then Twin A but she has to take 3 more however twin A has not taken any exam yet because she has not been prepared and she has very low confidence. But as I have 2 months off from my med school I have decided that I will be taking the exam as well so that I could get done it soon. Now Twin A and I have our exams in 1 month and Twin A is still not getting off of these fights and comparison and I am sick of it. My parents are not helping a lot because if they do anything Twin A then blocks them or goes out of the house without telling anyone or stuff like that. However we other three sisters are in good terms but Twin A always starts tantrums about comparisons when we never do comparison. If there is anything that I have then the same exact thing my other sister has. If I have been allowed to study for foreign exams then my other sisters are also given the same. But all this negativity and comparison is just killing my peace I mean I am already like dead and I have my exam in 1 month. We can not tell anything to my father because Twin A never listens to him and my father is already very stressed because we lost our grandfather a few months back. I don’t know where I should seek for help but it has been really hard for all of us. I just want to get done with my exams and move into another country and start earning but it will probably take me another 1.5 years. I don’t know what to do. We have tried therapy for my sister as well but none of it is getting better.

I went to therapy growing up, I imagine bc I was lonely and depressed but at the time didn’t know those words and didn’t know why I was there or what the point was. I barely talked, therapist barely talked, it was awkward and uncomfortable and I hated it.
Tried again as an adult by choice. Felt like therapist just wanted me to ramble about my current life while she nodded and smiled. Felt like a waste of time. I get why extroverted people may feel better rambling, but I get nothing out of it. My issues are from past trauma and struggles to connect w people in general, not my current daily life. Therapist never asked me questions about the reasons I stated I was in therapy for, it was just so tell me about your week every week. I was dx w autism last year, maybe that’s causing the disconnect?
I feel I need someone to ask me relevant questions that they need to know to provide me tools to help me. Feel like it should be therapists job to get information from me to help them move therapy in a helpful direction.
I listen to podcasts and watch shows where therapists provide this life changing way of reevaluating our life and how we think, and I don’t feel like I have been provided any useful information in therapy.
Do I need to do something differently? Do I need to search for better therapist? Do I need different kind of therapy?

Hi all,
on Dec 19th I launched DataAnalyst.com - this is the fifth (May) update of hopefully many more to come.
Want to make sure I document the journey, and keep myself honest, so each month I will be making a post about the statistics, progress, some thoughts and what are the next steps I want to be focusing on.
While the main purpose for the post is to bring everyone along on the journey, I do think that members of EntrepreneurRideAlong might benefit from the site, especially those looking to start a new adventure and hoping to get insights into someone elses process.
So, just a reminder that early stages vision is to become the #1 job board for data analysts - hand-picking interesting data analyst job opportunities across industries.
Let's dive right in:  

Statistics update

-	January	February	March	April	May
Number of jobs posted	Total: 208 (US)	Total: 212 (US)	Total: 207 (US)	Total: 153 (US)	Total: 140 (US)
Paid posts	0	0	0	0	0
Visitors	795	3,267	3,003	4,892	5,203
Apply now clicks	634	2,354	2,898	4,051	4,476
Avg. session duration	3min 52sec	3min 53sec	3min 39sec	3min 44sec	3min 10sec
Pageviews	4100	16,300	15,449	26,291	28,755
Avg. time on page	1min 35sec	1min 46sec	1min 45sec	1min 39sec	1min 26sec
Returning visitors	17.7%	22.4%	23.9%	23.8%	22.2%
Google Impressions	503	5,500	9,430	28,300	45,900
Google Clicks	47	355	337	1,880	2,070
Newsletter subs (total)	205	416	600	918	1,239
Newsletter open rate (48hrs)	61%	67%	56%	56%	50%

1. General Observations

Stats

DataAnalyst.com has been online for just over 5 months and we've brought over 1,250 hand curated data analyst jobs onto the site - all of them including a salary range.
There's now 1,200+ people subscribed to the newsletter, and I can't thank you enough for your support and for joining us on the journey.
While in April the site grew to just over 5,000 monthly visitors across 26,000 pageviews, in May we've been able to cross the 5,000 visitors yet again, with over 28,000 pageviews - not only that, we registered approximately 4,500 data analyst applications being started from the site!
Additionally, I've also had multiple people reaching out, both in comment section of my previous updates, but also in DMs, sharing that they have found the site to be extremely useful in their job search, and that they were able to get interviews and onboard new roles through the site - I absolutely love this, and even if the venture doesn't end up being commercially successful, I'm super happy to hear that it has indeed helped people when needed.
Google impressions are over 50% up, albeit the amount of people clicking through to the site remained flat.
On the positive note - the site has finally ranking for all the major target keywords:
"data analyst jobs / data analyst job / data analyst / data analytics jobs"
Pumped about this, as having multiple channels is crucial to long term growth and protecting the site and traffic from algorithm updates.

Things that happened

a) Expired Listings - There's feedback regarding some of the jobs on the site already expiring and leading to non-existing listings. I am trying to come up with a solution where visitors would be able to upvote/downvote and thus highlighting status for everyone else. For now, I went through job listings and marked those roles no longer open as "Expired".
b) Product Hunt launch - Early last month I decided to share DataAnalyst on Product Hunt. The idea wasn't necessarily to try and rank up to the top, but mainly get the site out there, and gain a backlink from ProduntHunt that's going to help the site's authority. Overall the voting process is extremely cumbersome, but we did end up with 36 upvotes which was more than I expected.

Expecting a summer slump

With summer, there's typically very little hiring happening / it's extremely slow as people are taking well deserved time off. I'm expecting activity on the site to decrease, and my main goal for this period is getting together a plan of action to start reaching out to companies in Q4 and Q1, educate them about the site, the value proposition and hopefully get a few partnerships on the books.
What that will look like, I honestly have no idea, but experiment, iterate and go again.
Some of you may have noticed that I've also recently launched BusinessAnalyst.com - where I'm looking to replicate step by step what I've done over the last 5 months with DataAnalyst. The overall idea is to create a network of sites, benefiting from the same infastructure, serving and helping different career paths, and making a collaboration with organisations much more appealing (afterall, most companies who hire for data analysts also look for business analysts and vice versa). Arguably, this might not make much sense seeing that DA still hasn't brought any revenue in, but on the other hand, I can reuse the whole tech stack and structures already in place, halve my cost per project, while doubling the surface area to catch me some luck. Anyways, how this will work out is a case study for another time.

2. The Salary Guide

On a monthly basis, we've been utilising the data available to developing and sharing Market Insights - a deep dive into the data analyst job market, where we can have a look at the job openings and provide you all with insights on the latest hiring trends in the United States.
With these insights I'm trying to bring answers to questions such as: Which industries are hiring the most? Are we seeing any salary increases? And what about the remote working trend?
With that in mind, I'm excited to share that the first five months of insights were consolidated, and the Salary Guide has now been published.
The data analyst salary guide provides the overview of salaries in various industries - and now also shows a more detailed view on each industry page, with a deep dive into how much entry level, senior and lead data analysts can earn depending on their experience.
This is only based on job opportunities on the site, and no external data sources are utilised. The plan is to have it updated quarterly, with the next update in September.
For the US, we've also released the May edition of Market Insights, you can see the full report here.

3. "Day in the Life" - a series of interviews with data analysts sharing their experience, thoughts and advice.

The third interview from our series has been published. In these interviews, we aim to share stories and experiences about the route to becoming a data analyst, keeping up with the skillset, recommendations to aspiring data analysts and much more.
Tisha, who is a data analyst at Tesla, has shared some fantastic insights, and I'd love to highlight couple of my favourite quotes from the interview.
On what she loves about being a data analyst:
"For me, the most exciting aspect of being a data analyst is the opportunity to unlock meaningful insights from vast amounts of data. I enjoy the challenge of uncovering patterns, identifying trends, and translating complex data into actionable recommendations. The ability to make a tangible impact on business outcomes and help organizations drive growth is incredibly rewarding."
On her advice for those aspiring to enter the industry, she shares 6 points that everyone should focus on:

1. Acquire a strong foundation in SQL. This is an essential tool for data analysis and manipulation.
2. Familiarize yourself with data analytics tools like Tableau, Power BI, or Alteryx. Demonstrating proficiency in these tools can enhance your employability.
3. Seek out internships, projects, or volunteer opportunities where you can gain hands-on experience with real-world datasets and analytical challenges.
4. Continuously enhance your skills by staying updated with the latest trends and best practices in the field. Online courses, webinars, and industry conferences can be valuable resources.
5. Showcase your skills and projects through a portfolio or personal website. This allows potential employers to see your capabilities and the impact you can make.
6. Network with professionals in the data industry through events, online communities, and LinkedIn. Building connections can lead to valuable opportunities and mentorship.

We've also touched upon the Question of the Year: Is AI/Chat GPT a threat to data analysts?
Highly recommend reading the full interview.

Things in the pipeline

• New data analyst jobs, added daily
• Actually launching the weekly newsletter with the pick of best jobs directly to your inbox (yes, I know....)
• Monthly US data analyst market insights
• Improving the overall site experience (this one is a never ending activity)
• Continuing to bring you Data Analysts across their experience levels, to share tips, tricks and their thoughts
• Keep breaking a feature that would allow visitors to report an expired job posting

3 ways you could help

1. Looking for a new challenge? Check out the website - I'm adding new jobs daily
   
2. Looking to hire a data analyst to your team? Do you know anyone looking to hire? Shoot me a message on Reddit (or [email protected]) and I'll upgrade your first listing for free!
   
3. As I mentioned, we have an ongoing "Day of a Data Analyst" series. For those of you who are open to do an email based interview about your data analyst career journey, please just send me a message and we'll organise something - would love to get you featured and share your experience with our readers!
   

If you have any questions, concerns, come across glitches - please just reach out, happy to chat.
Thank you all again, and see you in a month.
Alex

Long story short, I met a girl 9 months ago at work. We started dating a week later and we moved in together a month after meeting. Stupid I know. From the beginning of the relationship we were constantly fighting. January we got into a fight. It turned physical her smacking me me choking her she calls the cops they let me go stay with my dad's for a while. A week later we get back together. We're fighting everyday she thinks I'm cheating and I think she's cheating. There's literally no love or trust between us. But we stay together. Sex was pretty good that's the only thing we had going for us. We just got into another fight Monday after I found out she installed cameras in the house to spy on me. The fight turned physical, I went through her phone found out she was texting someone else. We fight then start hugging and crying she goes to take a shower 15 mins later cops show up. And take me away again and I go to my dads....
I feel guilty. I didn't want to be with her but I wouldn't leave. We had different looks on life. But I wouldn't leave. I was a horrible bf because I knew deep down I did not want to be with this woman forever. I did not want to live the life she wanted. But I wouldn't leave.

Do you think each one of the Surviving Yellowjackets was the Antler Queen at one point and Made Decisions or One Major Decision to put their life first, before the others, and each is directly responsible for a team members death and each lives with the guilt of death on their hands?
So far we know the following are directly responsible or at least blame themselves for specific deaths.
Misty - Crystal Natalie - Javi Shauna - Jackie Lottie - LoraLi (Possibly the Refusal to Pick a Card) Van - ? Taissa - ?
Cuz I don't think Nat becomes the Antler Queen, I think it will remain Lottie, but a lot of people have made really good points that I agree with and seem to indicate that Nat will be the Antler Queen.
So trying to see if there is an answer that would account for both beliefs.
Just a working theory. Antler Queen is the wilderness equivalent of Team Captain.
Missing pieces to the logical puzzle.
Can someone help me try to flesh out the logic?
Please let me know what you think.

Hi everyone, I am(20) in desperate need of advice. Last year I met this guy (19) who seemed to be great, I mean off the bat the chemistry was amazing. Unfortunately how we met had little to nothing to do with morale. He did have a girlfriend at the time but they were long distance and on the brink of separation. I also had a partner but this was a domestic violence relationship hard to escape from. Yeah I know how it goes, you lose them how you get them blah blah blah. So we made the decision to seperate from our previous partners because we discussed and made it clear we had grown more and more attracted to each other on the daily basis. I mean with every conversation, touch, quality time, dance and exchange, it was like there was just this irresistible force between us that couldn’t be broken. Not too long after we were beginning to establish the seriousness of our relationship, he had to move to New York with his father to get his life back together and get on his feet. I let him know that I am not into long distance relationships and while he’s up there he could do his thing, since we’re both young and still foolish. For about 8 months he stayed gone and as soon as he came back, I was the first person he came to see. It was almost like he was back like he never left and the chemistry remained the same. After a few weeks arguments were being had because I was going through a rough time and I felt like he wasn’t there like I felt he needed to be. To be fair, we both have strict parents and jobs to work so the was rarely time for us to talk about my issues, but he did the best he could with our schedules. Little did I know, he was going through a rough patch at home as well, he just wasn’t willing to communicate the way I would about his living situation because of his pride. His mother kicked him out and now he lives with a random girl from tinder. He’s sleeping with her and helping pay her rent and he’s let me know he’s not in love with her. Recently she found our chats in one of his phones and was upset, but she didn’t kick him out. I didn’t want him on the streets so I just didn’t say anything plus I don’t know her and I don’t want to bust her bubble because I don’t like mess. He is staying there until he gets back on his feet and gets his own place but for now that’s the situation he’s in. I am somewhat okay with it because I’m about to go into the military but in the other hand I just don’t feel like he needs to live like that if he’d just learn to communicate with the people around him. I only wish for him to confide in me as I did him but it’s something about his pride that just won’t let him. I really need advice because I love this man with my heart and I want better for him, but at the same time I want to know if this is a waste of time. I don’t want to move onto somebody and easter their time when I know I’m not over him. We are just two young adults in love trying to figure it out step by step. I wish I would have heard him out more when he told me about his mother (who is Jamaican by the way) She was taking all of his money that he earned himself, showing up to his jobs and taking his phone, constantly yelling about things that were already done. Just a lot of bad energy from her and he’d always remain respectful to her. I understand he needed to get out but I just don’t think it was the right way.

G14 4060 vs legion 5 pro 4060
I posted on zephyrusg14 this question. Legion pro 5 7745hx 4060 vs g14 7940hs 4060. Both AMD CPUs. Imagine same price both 500nits qhd+, 32gb ram. I'm cross shopping these two. I know they're two different sizes formats, but from a performance perspective, would i notice a difference in gaming or other tasks? I noticed in gizmosliptech g14 review the cpu was bottlenecked a decent amount, would the same be true about the 7745hx in the lenovo? If they were the same price which would you get? And would 4070 version of Lenovo be worth 200 bucks more? Also I know phoenix has way better battery than dragon, but has anyone actually done real life battery testing of the Lenovo 7745hx undervolted? I don't need tons of battery life, but more than 4 hrs with just office tasks or streaming would be good.

I booked a couple nights at the Yosemite View Lodge in October given the ideal location to the park’s entrance.
I’ve seen sooo many mixed reviews and curious to hear from others since it seems like the “bad” reviews were due to wifi not being included (they charge $10/day), which yes sucks when you’re chilling at the hotel but at the same time anywhere else you go will not have cell reception and you are in Yosemite to enjoy the nature, not be on your phone 24/7.
We also won’t be at the lodge much so it’s not like we’re looking for 5 star amenities, moreso that it’s clean and comfortable when we’re back from a long day of hiking and exploring around the park.

Hi everyone, I am a 35 year old female who enjoys reading, travelling, food cooking, movies and sports. I am a life-loving person who likes to try new things and challenge myself. I love to read books of all genres, from fiction to history, from science fiction to biography, and I can immerse myself in them. Traveling is another hobby of mine. I like to explore different cultures and landscapes, and experience different lifestyles. Of course, traveling has also made me love food even more, and I like to taste different foods and try to cook them at home. Movies are also one of my hobbies, I like all types of movies, from romantic comedies to thrillers, they can make me feel different emotions and experiences. Finally, I also enjoy sports, such as running, yoga and swimming, which keep me fit and active.
I am looking for a friend who is over 33 years old with common hobbies to share the bits and pieces of life together. If you also enjoy reading, travelling, food cooking, movies and sports then we are sure to have plenty to talk about. If you are interested in my dating posts, please leave me a message, let's start a new adventure together!

It seems to me that Meaning is the mother of Motivation.
Discover the meaning there is to fulfill in each life situation, in each work situation.
What meaning is there to fulfill?
•It’s a Deed to do (what I give to my work)
•An Experience (what I receive from my work)
•An Attitude (the freely chosen stand I take toward difficulty at work)
Frankl wrote about these three values. 🙂

Had a weird upbringing where I was raised by a bunch of different people. The last family that took care of me had an elaborate system of lying to each other and punishing me severely if I accidentally 'exposed' their lie (e.g. wife would lie to her father, her father would ask me a question and I'd tell the truth not knowing she lied, fuckery would ensue) or told a lie they didn't approve of (aka. if I lied for myself and not for them). They lied to me too about things that affected the course of my life.
But I'm 27 years old now. I'm an adult and need to be responsible. Also, I'm living in a different country. The second I came here I felt free, like I could build my own life and my own story. But you can't erase the past unless you lie about it. My heritage has been a source of discrimination and something I feel alienated from so I chose a different country and told people I'm from there instead. If they are in a position to see my documents, I come up with an explanatory backstory, which I've used so much it literally feels like the truth. I lie about my family. I lie about my financial situation. I lie about quitting smoking. I lie about my medical conditions and eating disorder. I lie when I change my personality to match the person I'm talking to. I hate myself for it but I can't stop because the truth makes me hate my life. I've been to three therapists, none of whom have helped beyond giving adages like "you just have to love/accept yourself", even though I told them all the complete truth, with the exception of one lie - that I am not and have never contemplated suicide (which would allow them to break confidentiality).
And recently, I lie about drinking. I hide alcohol in water bottles and coke bottles (mix rum in there and nobody can tell). I drink so much and I can't stop. I'm a 5'4" woman and I finish at least half a bottle a day or more, and have no patience for anything under 40% ABV. Lately I've scaled up to Spirityus, a brand of Polish vodka that is 70%+. Last night, I was unable to submit something because I had collapsed in the shower and to excuse myself I literally lied about a death in the family. I looked at a 12-step program and the religious shit was a huge turnoff, and logically nonsensical ("I'm not in control / I submit" etc. is supposed to help me)? I gained 20 pounds in two months so now I'm eating less and working out so I can drink more. My liver might fail me someday because I'm also on antidepressants.
I lied to my partner about having fertility problems (partial truth - I have PCOS) because when I told him I didn't want them he considered leaving me. When I'm drunk I'm affectionate and want to get pregnant and be a mother, and as soon as I sober up I want the reverse. I have no idea what's true and what's a lie, even about my own thoughts and feelings. When I was drunk I told him we can get married and try to have kids and now I can't back out. And don't want to.
This is the only time and the only way I have ever admitted the uncensored truth to anyone but myself. Please do speak your mind but be gentle.

My FP and I were very close to each other. I believe at some point (and perhaps still now) I felt romantic love for them, and I nurtured our friendship almost on a romantic level. We were each other’s rock. Texting all the time. Sharing everything. Of course, they developed feelings for me at some point. But I was unable to offer them a romantic relationship.
We are still very close, but of course they are nurturing their life, developing their own friendships, and going on… without me.
It’s hitting me that one day they will have a romantic partner, and that they are already creating boundaries (as I am, I suppose). And it hurts.
I am working on establishing boundaries with them as well. Because I don’t want to have a FP. The way I have a FP is unhealthy.
But it does feel like a breakup, right now. It does feel like I have to let them go. When they weren’t even mine to begin with. Or maybe they once were, but we never were truly a thing ?
I know that this is for the best, healthier, and more adequate. I just feel like I’m going to lose them, I won’t be their rock anymore. And I don’t know how to navigate.
Do I make any sense ? Can anyone else relate, has anyone else been through something similar and can give me some words of advice, some wisdom ?
Thank you.

A little background. I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2-3 months. We have several mutual friends and I’ve seen him and his former girlfriend around over the years, but have never spoken to either of them more than just pleasantries.
Back in February, I went to one of our mutual friends engagement parties. We ended up hanging out there, but at the time I thought he was still with his girlfriend so I didn’t think anything of our interaction. A couple of weeks later I heard through my BIL (who is one of his best friends) that he had broken up with his girlfriend and that their house was on the market (this was in the works well before the party). A couple weeks after that, this guy came to my sister’s birthday party and it all went from there. It started off friendly, but we started spending more time together, eventually went on a date, and have spent a significant amount of time together after that.
At first, he didn’t really want a lot of people to know. He said he didn’t want people to think badly of him because he moved on so fast from a serious long term relationship (which he said he was checked out of for some time, but they still tried) and because he didn’t want to hurt his ex’s feelings. He also wanted to spend time getting to know each other without other people forming this opinions. Which I was totally fine with and agreed with. The mutual friends we have are not my close friends, so it’s people I see at gatherings and not a part of my daily life so it wasn’t like I was hiding anything.
So to me, that me that meant it didn’t need to be all over social media or being all over each other while out with friends. Which is not anything I’d do anyway. He’s slowly started branching out and now it’s to the point where everyone knows and it’s been fine though I have heard some little comments calling it “shady”
Well last night he was supposed to come to my house and then me and him and my sister were going to grab dinner. Then he texted me and told me to go ahead without him and he’d fill me in later. I texted back and asked about what and it took him 15-20 minutes to text back and say “ex girlfriend’s name called and asked about us.” His ex girlfriend called him and wanted to know if he was seeing me, he told her he was. And from what I gather, she seems to have thought there was a chance they’d eventually get back together and he told her they wouldn’t. None of that bothers me.
I just don’t like that I felt like I’m some sort of secret. Like it was a big deal that she called. And I told him that hurt my feelings and he’s been very apologetic. What I told him is I don’t mind not being super obvious to spare her feelings, she’s a sweet girl and nothing “bad” happened between them. They had just been together since high school, had grown apart, she didn’t want kids, etc. So I don’t mind sparing her feelings as best as possible, but I felt like her feelings were above mine in this situation and that he was honestly bothered people knew.
Someone give me advice. Is this a giant red flag? He told me last night he did not intend to meet someone so soon after ending a very long term relationship, but everything has been so great between us (and it really has) and it has all happened so naturally that he just feel like it’s right. And that he doesn’t care what other people’s opinions are and nothing that anyone says or does will change how he feels about me. But I’m still a little bothered today. I didn’t say much last night, I just knew my feelings were hurt but wanted time to think about it. Which is what I told him.
TL;DR I’ve been seeing a guy that is a mutual friend. It’s been on the down low to spare his ex girlfriends feelings and she found out and called him about it, in turn hurting my feelings.
Edit to add: I do have a toddler and her father is very high conflict. So he also didn’t want her father to know because he knew that he would start making court threats, because that’s what he does. So I guess he thought I would care that it could get back to her dad, but I’ve told him before that I can’t let my ex dictate my life forever and I am allowed to move on and he can react however he chooses to.

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Chapter 32
As Mae had previewed, the weeks that passed since the incident in the Logistics Bay were fraught with speculation and feeding the rumor mill. Quin felt he couldn’t walk ten paces on Nemo before meeting some askance gaze of a crewmember or hearing the murmurings of a conversation that abruptly stopped when he would round a corner. Mae was right though that, after a while, the incident became old news and the ruckus died down a bit. Certainly, there was always an inappropriate joke to be had during dinner or dark looks from certain members of the crew, but as the time passed, people turned once again to daily happenings onboard, when the next stopover would take place, and the perennial favorite: who happened to be sleeping with whom.
This last item tended to occupy people to no end, and Quin felt a bit unfortunate that this news also pertained him. Mae and Liza’s breakup and the apparent spat that he and Pepper had ran through the corridors just as fast as the news about Nova. Quin was honestly unsure which conversation he dreaded being brought up more. It seemed that individuals he had never or barely even met knew more about his world than he himself was aware. It was during one of these conversations with two people from the Engineering section that Quin accidently lost it and stormed off, an act he regretted immediately for furthering the gossip chain.
“So is it true that you had to hold Mae back so she wouldn’t punch Liza?” the guy had asked.
”What? NO. What the hell?” Quin responded, flabbergasted.
“Well, I heard from someone in the officer’s corridor that there was yelling and someone got hit. Do you know who got punched?” The other person was practically on their toes with anticipation.
“NO ONE GOT PUNCHED!” Quin shouted, ready to leave the conversation as soon as possible.
“Jeez, why are you yelling?” as the first person, blind to Quin’s growing frustration.
“Don’t you know, Liza’s friend broke up with him the next day because of the fight?” The second person remarked to the first, now completely cutting Quin out of the conversation.
“WE WEREN’T EVEN DATING! WHAT THE HELL?!” Quin screamed, turned on his heels and stormed off to nowhere in particular.
Thankfully, this was probably the worst interaction he had had as a result of those unfortunate few days, aside from the actual conversations themselves that he experienced with Pepper and Nova themselves. He would have appreciated any interaction with either of them at all, if he was honest. The silent treatment from the both of them was practically unbearable. Mae’s words of encouragement, “Time, give it time,” only helped so much when he would pass by Pepper in the corridors or when he had to work directly with Nova during his long shifts in the lab. Nova had limited their conversations to something like a comment box, dropping in parcels of a conversation to the syslog, to be taken up at her leisure and delivered at inconvenient times in the middle of the night. But at the very least, Nova was responding, albeit specifically for work and solely related to their responsibilities together. Pepper, on the other hand, was completely mute. Painfully so, Quin noted as she passed by him going into the cafeteria and didn’t even afford him a glance.
The level of complete non-interaction with Pepper and the invasion into his life by everyone else was beginning to wear on him, and he felt more cut off from the rest of the crew than ever before. He had stopped visiting Bostwick’s chamber for fear of the look of pity that the Commander often wore when passing by him. At least Mae had somewhat of a ‘tough love’ approach to cheering him up. Bostwick’s uncompromising warmth and sympathetic looks made Quin feel guilty rather than comforted, and shameful rather than encouraged. In fact, in the two and a half weeks that passed since Nemo had left the Rhea stopover and Quin passed the night under the watch of the Commander, Quin had only exchanged glances with Bostwick.
Then there was the insomnia. At first, Quin felt nothing but lethargy as he felt the different components of his life crumble around him. The inability to communicate with Tess, the intolerable pity of Mae and Bostwick, the unbearable silence from Pepper and Nova, the frustration expressed by the command staff, and the whispers and side-eyes from the rest of the crew all contributed to the complete physical and mental shutdown he experienced after leaving Rhea. He would steal away to his chamber during break periods to nap, and he would skip meals in order to stay in his room, profiting from the odd bits of food Mae snuck out of the cafeteria. However, after several days of feeling an inability to motivate himself to be out of bed, he started to find that he would lie awake, staring at the ceiling, or glancing at the clock and fretting that it was already 4:00 in the morning.
It was on one of these early mornings that Quin saw the numbers 3:22 at the top of his tablet, and he felt as if it would be impossible for him to find any sleep that night. He had laid down in bed at 22:05 with every intention of forcing a good night’s sleep, but with five hours passing by and no respite coming, he sat up on the edge of his bed and rubbed his eyes a bit. He figured that the coffee station in the kitchen would probably have some hot water with which to make tea, and that could possibly help him. He threw his jumpsuit and boots on and strolled out of the room.
The ship was deserted and peaceful, the type of quiet that Quin relished. It was almost trance-inducing, the soft hum of the ship that Quin felt coming through the very walls themselves. He felt the sound reverberate through him and it was soothing. He set off toward the kitchen. The sleet grey walls of Nemo’s interior usually made for a serious backdrop, but at this hour, it had the effect of dimming the corridors and adding to the sleepy atmosphere of the ship. He stuffed his hands deep in his pockets and followed the sleek lines of the hallways with his eyes as he passed. He came upon the cafeteria doors and walked by them to skirt the main room. He was heading for the back area, the sparkling room with gleaming metal and white tile and a peaceful getaway. Upon swiping his arm against the pad, though, he found that the space was already occupied. A voice greeted him before he had an opportunity to look up.
“Hey Quin, can’t sleep? Is it another bad dream?” Bostwick was sitting on a stool with a steaming cup of coffee in his hand and his illuminated tablet resting on one of the food prep work tables. The man had a weary look around his eyes but Quin could still discern the warmth that emanated from the wrinkles near his temples and the large smile he wore. Quin froze, unsure whether to step into the room and submit himself to another round of pity or try to find some excuse for leaving and head back to his room. In his uncertainty, he ended up standing in the doorway, causing the automatic doors to try to swish shut but freezing and retracting, over and over again.
“Well? Are you just going to stand there, mouth agape, or are you going to come get something to drink like you had planned?” Bostwick said with an eyebrow raised, his mouth now reflecting a knowing smirk. Slowly, Quin trudged into the room, his hands clenched in his pockets as he tried to suppress the nerves that were boiling in his stomach. He gingerly walked over to the coffee station and put a tea bag in a cup and pressed the release valve to allow boiling water to fall over it. Then he set the cup down to steep. He kept his eyes fixed on the surface of the brewing tea, though he felt the hair on the nape of his neck stand as he guarded himself for Bostwick’s eventual conversation starter. But after a minute, it didn’t come. Quin stood there watching the deep brown tea diffuse throughout the water but did not hear a word come from Bostwick. Hesitantly, Quin looked around and saw Bostwick tapping on his tablet, seemingly composing a message.
Quin shuffled his feet a bit before clearing his throat lightly. Without even looking up, Bostwick said, “I’m able to read signs, Quin. If you don’t want to talk to me, I’m more than happy to oblige your intention to be left alone.”
Quin’s eyes shot up to look at Bostwick, who kept on typing as if he hadn’t spoken. Quin was left a bit taken aback. Oh hell, he thought, is it that obvious or can he read my mind? He shuffled again and then picked up his tea cup. Quick, say something, you idiot, his mind was screaming at him as he struggled to put together his words.
“Look, uh, Commander, I—“ Quin started, but was immediately cut off.
“Louis, but please continue,” Bostwick said, looking up at him and smiling.
Whatever momentum Quin had built up in trying to speak, he lost it with Bostwick’s interruption. He started to second-guess even his need to speak if Bostwick was going to be able to anticipate the conversation. His mentor apparently picked up on his nervousness, because he relieved Quin’s tension by taking up what was going through Quin’s head.
“Quin, listen, I understand that you feel like you want to be left alone,” Bostwick said, his tone soft and unassailing. “And I’m sensing that you feel a bit embarrassed about being vulnerable in front of me. That’s a totally normal human feeling. I hope you aren’t feeling, though, that I overstepped any boundaries by not waking you up immediately when you fell asleep in my room?”
“No, uh, Louis, it’s not that,” Quin said abashedly.
“Good, I’m glad. So if you are feeling ashamed about the way I show that I care about you, please just tell me, and we can talk about how I can change that.”
Again, Quin was at a loss for words. It’s not that I don’t want him to care about me, he thought, it’s that I want him to be mad. Why wasn’t he angry at all? That I could deal with. But he’s so kind that I feel like I want to scream. Quin lifted his eyes and finally met Bostwick’s own piercing gaze. Bostwick seemed to interpret the silence and took up the conversation again.
“Unless…perhaps you are feeling ashamed about your own reaction?” Bostwick posited. “Quin, it’s almost the twenty-third century, well actually, for everyone not aboard this ship, it already is. We are long past the cultural stereotype of men not being able to cry. I’d say that your expression of deep emotion is quite masculine, and I for one would—“
Quin interrupted him, “No, Louis, it’s not that either.”
Bostwick fell silent for a moment, then continued gently, “Okay, again, if you wouldn’t like to discuss it right now, you can simply have your tea and we can sip our respective beverages in silence. Though I will note that a 3am excursion raises all sorts of eyebrows that a lesser XO would rush to conclusions. Thankfully for you, I’m not a lesser XO.” He ended with a smirk, returning to his tablet with a very self-satisfied look on his face.
Quin let the silence fill the room again as he turned his cup in his hands, the warmth slowly radiating through his cold fingertips and seemingly giving him a bit of courage. After a moment, he slowly walked over to the work table and set his cup down. Again, without looking up, Bostwick pulled a stool out from underneath the table and pushed it toward Quin. Quin couldn’t help but smile a bit at Bostwick’s level of tact in assuming. He took the proffered stool and plopped himself down, elbows on the work table and eyes fixed on the tea cup. Hesitantly, he glanced at Bostwick, who was humming a tune and slowly shaking his head back and forth in rhythm as he completed his message and hit the send button.
Quin cleared his throat and made his attempt, “Commander, uh sorry, Louis, it’s not that I don’t appreciate everything. I really do. I just…I was just wishing you would be less…I don’t know…understanding? A little more mad?”
“I have no intention of being mad at you Quin. That would be counterproductive and a waste of energy. Wouldn’t you say?”
“Well, I um, what do you mean?” Quin shook his head as his eyes fell.
“I’d imagine that your self-imposed reclusion and the restrictions imposed by Captain Fuentes would be a sufficient punishment, and you are probably looking for a friendly face, especially after things with Ensign Jefferson, erm, Pepper, have recently soured. That would leave you with Mae to seek some company and I daresay that Lieutenant Rohlwing has her own mission responsibilities and personal tumult to deal with, no?”
Quin was staring with his mouth open at Bostwick, who yet again was wearing a rather pleased smirk on his face. How in the hell did he know all of that? Quin thought, unable to keep an astounded look off his face.
Bostwick chuckled, then seemingly replied to Quin’s thought, “You people think the command staff are a bunch of old farts out of touch with the inner workings of the social network among you youths, but I too hear things. I have my spies on board.”
Quin laughed, causing Bostwick to perk up a bit, “Oh alright,” he rejoiced, arms up in the air. “Ten points to Bostwick for making the moody one laugh.”
Quin laughed more heartily and took a sip of his tea. When he looked back up he saw Bostwick was staring at him with an encouraging look on his face, as if to say May I keep asking questions? Quin sipped his tea again and nodded softly, almost to himself as he continued to chuckle.
“So, I take it you and Ms. Jefferson have not spoken much since we set off from Rhea?” Bostwick asked, eyebrow raised.
“No, that would require her wanting to speak to me,” Quin said dryly.
“How do you know she doesn’t want to speak to you?” Bostwick asked.
“Well, she seems to avoid or ignore me, so I’m trying to take the hint,” Quin said, trying to be nonchalant in his tone.
“Do you still like her?” Bostwick continued.
“Yeah, a lot. I thought we were doing well, really well on Rhea, but I said some stupid things in defending Mae to her, and I know I need to apologize, but she basically called me a coward, she said I needed to ‘grow a spine.’” Quin quickly gave Bostwick the back and forth of what constituted Pepper and his last conversation.
“I don’t think you are a coward. You do have a tendency to take your relationships with everyone very seriously, which is for the most part endearing, but I can see how she would find that stubbornness a bit frustrating when she is trying to argue with it.”
“So now you are on her side?” Quin said sharply.
“I wouldn’t dare try to take her side, but you don’t need to bite my head off for trying to give you some advice. I can see it’s not welcome though,” Bostwick said flatly, falling silent.
“No…wait, I’m sorry,” Quin said, changing his tone immediately. “Please, Louis, help me. What should I do?”
“An honest apology to start, you would be surprised how far being honest and sincere gets you. People seem to forget that. Then I would try to start seeing Ms. Jefferson outside of your interactions with Mae and Liza. Give yourselves something to talk about other than your common friends. That way you don’t revert into difficult territory immediately.”
“Like what?” Quin asked. “Watch a movie with her or something?”
“That being your strong, go-to approach, sure you could start there,” Bostwick said. “As an extra hint, I hear that the kitchen has some late-night snacks stashed away back here, and if you know someone, you can get good movie food. You could even, you know, call it a date or something. Don’t be afraid to ask her to do something at the next stopover too. Again, call it a date. If she sees you taking her seriously like you do everything else, she’ll probably appreciate you being intentional about it. That’s my guess. Anyway, Cronus is supposed to be a little bit more of an open schedule, so you can be more creative.”
Bostwick was making all sorts of sense. His was the type of advice that Quin had been looking for all along. Quin found himself shaking his head, as he processed everything. Bostwick seemed to misinterpret it.
“What? You’re thinking a different approach?” he said, a bit surprised.
“NO! No, sorry, it’s just…I’ve been such an idiot. That’s really good advice, I’ve just been stupid not talking to you. I don’t know why,” Quin finished, again shaking his head.
“Because you are young, and you guys don’t like getting romantic advice from someone your parents’ age,” Bostwick said, smiling.
“You aren’t that old,” Quin said, “I know we joke about it, but you can’t be more than…”
Bostwick laughed. “Be careful how you finish that sentence, Mr. Hammond.”
“Well, anyway, you aren’t that old. You just…I don’t know, you have this way about you, it made me want to avoid you. I felt ashamed that you were being all sympathetic, and it made me blind to the fact that I really needed to talk to you. What I mean is, you are a good listener, and I forgot that when I was unable to think straight. I felt all of these things happening around me, and you were there when that stuff happened with Nova. I know you were just trying to be nice. I’m sorry I was such an ass.”
“Well, if you were looking for honest and sincere apologies, Quin, you just found yourself one,” Bostwick said, putting his hand on Quin’s shoulder. “Change it up a little to be specific for her, and I’m sure you will have a good result. Don’t forgot to take care of yourself when you are trying to fix everything else, you know? It’s not possible to be perfect, so don’t make yourself sick in trying to be.”
“Yeah, right,” Quin said softly. “I wish I could fix everything, just like that.” He snapped his fingers.
“That would be nice, but unfortunately, we aren’t computers, and life isn’t all math problems. Sometimes life just needs time and a bit of decent humanity.” The two of them were silent for a little while as Quin stewed in his thoughts. Despite the hour, he was wide awake and appreciative of his little night excursion. After the pause had continued much longer than Quin expected, he looked up and saw Bostwick studying him. The man opened his mouth and then hesitated, before beginning tenderly, “Speaking of, how are things going with Nova?”
Quin sighed a bit, collecting his thoughts. Then he decided it was for the best and recounted to Bostwick the last conversation that Nova and he had face to face. The two of them had really not spoken since that evening some weeks ago. As Quin was narrating the story to Bostwick, the Commander was slightly chuckling and shaking his head. Astounded, Quin finished his story and confronted Bostwick.
“What’s so funny?” he demanded. “You’ve been laughing the entire time.”
“She’s quite brilliant, you know,” Bostwick said, scratching his forehead, eyes wide. “She presents these neat little ethical quandaries as if they were nothing and yet, scientists and philosophers have been asking the same types of questions about artificial intelligence for maybe two hundred years. It’s only now that we have got a being that is the walking and talking example of that.”
“Yeah, well, she’s another one that’s not talking to me,” Quin said.
“Well, Quin, I’m afraid I must give you the same advice. You should apologize. In her view, and I think objectively, you were somewhat of, if I may borrow your words, ‘an ass.’”
“This time I think you are definitely taking her side,” Quin said, sourly.
“Indeed. You created her. She takes her direction from you. You are kind of like her father, her brother, her friend, and her crewmate all rolled into one. The obligations of any one of those roles would be enough to say you needed to be there for her, and unfortunately you found yourself too busy being in your own head. Perhaps this is the root of your problem with both Ms. Jefferson and Nova. You are so busy letting everything weigh on you, being worried all the time, that you are unable to focus externally and be present for other people.” Quin’s eyes were downcast, his shoulders slumped. Well, if this is his form of a closing pick-me-up, I don’t think it’s working, Quin thought, sighing deeply.
“Fortunately,” Bostwick continued suddenly, “I think the solution is relatively simple and similar. You need to apologize to Nova, sincerely this time, and you need to spend some time with her, outside of work, so that you can normalize being around her. If your point was that you sometimes forget that she is only part human, then you need to do more human things with her in order to sensitize yourself to how she acts. She shouldn’t have to change for you, it should be the other way around. She can’t just be a mantelpiece in your career, Quin. She thinks.”
Quin sighed aloud, saying, “Yet again, another piece of sound advice from the ever-so-sage Commander Bostwick. And yet again, the solution is that I was wrong.”
Bostwick laughed. “Well, welcome to being an adult, my friend. Everything is complicated and you are usually wrong.” He patted Quin on the back. “Sarcasm aside, it’s okay to be wrong, just own up to it.”
Quin nodded slightly, acknowledging Bostwick’s counsel. The room was silent for a bit longer. The Commander downed his cup of coffee and looked into it, as if inspecting the bottom.
“You know what,” he said, looking up. “I think I’m going to have some tea too, but I’ve been keen to try some of the apple honey they brought me, you want some?” Quin nodded slowly, lost in his thought. Honey, he said to himself, honey, something about…honey.
“Can you believe they make all of this on Rhea?” Bostwick said over his shoulder. “I honestly can’t understand how their entire ecosystem, let alone their economy, operates off apples. It’s nuts.” Bostwick chuckled to himself. “Sorry for the pun.” Apples and honey, Quin’s brain was churning, but at this hour it was too fuzzy. …and honey.
He set two new cups down in front of them, still steaming and with the tea infusers bobbing around on the surface. He pulled a jar down from one of the kitchen cabinets and ladled a small bit of honey into each cup. After stirring a bit, Bostwick took a sip and smacked his lips, grinning satisfactorily at Quin.
“Oh my, that’s so good,” Bostwick said, relishing the taste as he took another draw. “You should drink it while it’s hot.”
Quin brought the cup to his lips mechanically, though he could have sworn that he was missing something. He felt himself distracted by Louis enjoying his cup of tea, the early hour, and the lack of a good night’s sleep for several days. I could have sworn that I just remembered something, he thought, growing frustrated at the lack of ability of his brain to recall what it was that was escaping him. Resigning himself, he took a long swig, his eyes closing automatically when the taste of the sweet and sour apple-tinged honey hit his lips. Instantly, he was transported back onto Rhea, where he savored several fleeting moments of being away and being happy. Unfortunately, his happiness was suddenly ripped away from the call from Nemo. What I wouldn’t give to be back there to have some more time with Pepper and Mae, he thought while recollecting the honey tasting in the orchard. He remembered the smile on Pepper’s face, how infectious it was, and Mae’s giggling at him.
“Hmm,” Bostwick said into the silence, “it’s just about time that the command deck wakes up. Some of the buzzing should start soon.”
“Buzzing?” Quin asked distantly, almost half-consciously.
“Sorry, yeah, buzzing. Message traffic. Unfortunately, a lot of the lingo revolves around bees.”
“Bees?” Quin asked, his brain slowly coming to.
“Yeah, bees,” Bostwick said, studying Quin curiously. “You know, Captain Fuentes being the Queen, the Deck being the hive, that sort of thing.”
“Bees!” Quin exclaimed.
“What?” Bostwick demanded, flabbergasted.
“Louis! BEES!” Quin shouted, shooting off his stool and slamming his cup down.
“Quin, I don’t-“ Bostwick began, but Quin wasn’t listening. The young man half-sprinted out of the room.
“BEES!” Quin shouted again, his face mixed with a smile and intense concentration.
“Okay, Mr. Cage,” Bostwick said, chuckling and shaking his head, his eyes and mouth reflecting a knowing smile as he watched Quin run out of the room.

Went for an interview yesterday and got the job. I’m ecstatic, but today is heavy because he’s on my mind and I’m feeling a lot heavier since our last reunion…
It was so intense being around you. Being held by you. Talking to you. Waking up to you…
I sometimes hope you feel the same way too but at the same time I hope you don’t because I so badly want to just move on with life.
Thinking about you from dusk till dawn is so draining…

It has always bothered me how Victoria 2 does not really seem to have any regards for the very uneven geographical distribution that ideologies have in real life. Every province just starts out with a roughly similair ideological makeup and most provinces are more or less similairly affected by later modifiers. To take France, in real life provinces like Perpignan, Toulon, Limoges or Tulle would easily have been majority liberal by 1836, while others like Vannes, Nantes, Angers or La Roche would have been perhaps plurality reactionary. Also -not to get too deep into how flawed the ideologies themselves are- it makes no sense whatshowever to have 17% liberals in Sokoto, Al-Ahsa or Chamdo in 1836, such ideas would not be introduced in those areas for at least another 100 years. The only place where the diversity of ideologies is somewhat accurately represented in the game is in Spain where specific provinces are (correctly) shown as heavily Carlist. Do any of you have thoughts about this? I do feel that it strongly impacts the game politically.