Little devil strain seeds

Once upon a time, in a small town nestled amidst rolling green hills, there stood a charming little school named Oakwood Elementary. It was a place where knowledge bloomed and dreams took flight. The school was not just a building, but a vibrant hub where children's laughter echoed through the hallways and curiosity danced in the air.
Oakwood Elementary was known for its dedicated teachers who believed that education was a journey of exploration and growth. Miss Thompson, a kind-hearted and wise teacher, was adored by all her students. She possessed a magical ability to unlock the hidden potential within each child, igniting their passion for learning.
One sunny morning, as the school bell chimed, students scurried through the doors, eager to embark on another day of discovery. In one corner of the classroom, a group of young scientists huddled around their experiment, carefully mixing colorful liquids to create an erupting volcano. Their excitement was contagious as they watched in awe as the miniature mountain came alive, spewing frothy lava.
Meanwhile, down the hallway, the sound of music filled the air. Mr. Rodriguez, the music teacher, was conducting the school choir, inspiring the young voices to harmonize in perfect unison. The students swayed to the rhythm, their hearts overflowing with joy and a sense of belonging.
In the library, a group of aspiring writers huddled around a table, pens poised above crisp white paper. Their imaginations soared as they crafted tales of knights, dragons, and faraway lands. Miss Thompson, always encouraging their creativity, listened attentively, providing guidance and sparking their literary prowess.
During lunch break, the school playground transformed into a bustling realm of friendship and camaraderie. Children skipped rope, raced across the monkey bars, and played tag, all while laughter filled the air. It was a place where friendships blossomed, differences were celebrated, and games were played with unbridled enthusiasm.
As the day drew to a close, students gathered in the school's auditorium for a special assembly. They sat in anticipation, eyes wide with excitement. The lights dimmed, and the curtains slowly rose, revealing a stage adorned with vibrant colors and twinkling lights. The school's drama club took center stage, showcasing their talents in a mesmerizing play that transported the audience to enchanting realms of fantasy and wonder.
The story of Oakwood Elementary was not just about academic achievements; it was a tale of inspiration, community, and the unyielding spirit of learning. Each day, the school nurtured young minds, sowed seeds of knowledge, and fostered a love for exploration and growth. The children left Oakwood Elementary with not only academic prowess but also a profound understanding of themselves and the world around them.
And so, the legacy of Oakwood Elementary lived on, reminding generations to come that education was not confined to textbooks and classrooms alone, but a remarkable journey that unfolded in the hearts and minds of those who embraced it with open arms.

Round 27 Voting Link: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf827Zrn1U2ZjMltmPbj6mlGdyfCHRVyvCLM-ilnQBcEaWyWg/viewform?usp=sf_link
Email Sign In now required due to Ballot Stuffers. I am not collecting your email address, just your vote.
Round 26 Results
(20.) Wherever I May Roam (21.) All Nightmare Long (22.) The Day That Never Comes
Previous Rounds Results
(23.) The Call of Ktulu (24.) Seek and Destroy (25.) Frayed Ends of Sanity (26.) Leper Messiah (27.) Fight Fire with Fire (28.) King Nothing (29.) The Shortest Straw (30.) Until It Sleeps (31.) Fuel (32.) Moth Into Flame (33.) Bleeding Me (34.) Nothing Else Matters (35.) Enter Sandman (36.) The Outlaw Torn (37.) Whiplash (38.) Inamorata (39.) Eye of the Beholder (40.) No Leaf Clover (41.) To Live is to Die (42.) The God That Failed (43.) That Was Just Your Life (44.) 72 Seasons (45.) Halo On Fire (46.) Room of Mirrors (47.) The Thing That Should Not Be (48.) My Friend of Misery (49.) Trapped Under Ice (50.) Atlas, Rise! (51.) Hit the Lights (52.) Hardwired (53.) Shadows Follow (54.) The Memory Remains (55.) Unforgiven III (56.) Lux Aeterna (57.) Holier Than Thou (58.) Too Far Gone? (59.) Unforgiven II (60.) Judas Kiss (61.) Motorbreath (62.) No Remorse (63.) Chasing Light (64.) Dream No More (65.) Through The Never (66.) You Must Burn! (67.) Screaming Suicide (68.) The End of the Line (69.) Suicide and Redemption (70.) Phantom Lord (71.) My Apocalypse (72.) St. Anger (73.) Fixxxer (74.) Now That We’re Dead (75.) Frantic (76.) The Unnamed Feeling (77.) Of Wolf and Man (78.) Sleepwalk My Life Away (79.) Crown of Barbed Wire (80.) The Struggle Within (81.) Hero of the Day (82.) Broken, Beat and Scarred (83.) Cyanide (84.) Metal Militia (85.) If Darkness Had a Son (86.) Escape (87.) Aint My Bitch (88.) Lords of Summer (89.) I Disappear (90.) Rebel of Babylon (91.) Devil’s Dance (92.) Confusion (93.) Hate Train (94.) Here Comes Revenge (95.) Mama Said (96.) To Hell and Back (97.) Wasting My Hate (98.) Just a Bullet Away (99.) - Human (100.) Thorn Within (101.) Don’t Tread on Me (102.) Jump in the Fire (103.) Prince Charming (104.) Sweet Amber (105.) Carpe Diem Baby (106.) The House Jack Built (107.) 2x4 (108.) Better Than You (109.) ManUNkind (110.) Low Man's Lyric (111.) Where the Wild Things Are (112.) Some Kind of Monster (113.) Am I Savage? (114.) Murder One (115.) Bad Seed (116.) Cure (117.) Attitude (118.) Ronnie (119.) All Within My Hands (120.) Dirty Window (121.) My World (122.) Slither (123.) Shoot Me Again (124.) Poor Twisted Me (125.) Invisible Kid (126.) Purify
Vote for the next 3 songs to be eliminated in the link above. I flipped the order presentation since I felt it looked a little better.
We will pause the poll during the Metallica protest on Jun 12th and 13th and keep the poll going as normal once the sub reopens. For those of you that are protesting for longer, I commend you, and I apologize that you can’t participate in the last few rounds unless you want to DM me your email address and I will email the poll to you. To have this wrapped up by the 12th, I would have had to rush the final few rounds, and that would very much ruin the flow of the final rounds as they should be some of the most entertaining. I will be protesting reddit completely those 2 days, and hope some changes come!

God is a trinity
God the father God the son God the holy spirit
God the father:
Genesis 1:26 / Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.
John 14:28 / You have heard Me say to you, ‘I (Jesus) am going away and coming back to you.’ If you loved Me, you would rejoice because I said, ‘I am going to the Father,’ for My Father is greater than I.
Matthew 24:36 / But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but My Father only.
God the holy spirit:
Genesis 1:2 / The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.
John 14:26 / But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have told you.
John 16:13 / However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come.
God the Son:
John 1:2-5 / In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
John 1:14 / And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth
John 8:58 / Jesus said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I AM.”
Revelation 1:18 / I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death.
God is good:
1 Chronicles 16:34 / Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.
God is holy:
Psalm 97:12 / Be glad in the Lord, you righteous ones, And give thanks to His holy name.
God's love:
John 3:16 / For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
God's justice:
2 Corinthians 5:10 / For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.
God is righteous:
Psalm 119:137 / Righteous are You, O Lord, and upright are Your judgments.
How to enter heaven:

1. Believe in the trinity
2. Believe Jesus Christ died for your sins on the cross
3. Believe Jesus Christ was raised from the dead 3 days later
4. Do not follow your own desires
5. Put on the armour of God
6. Resist the devil and he will flee
7. Follow God's commandments
8. Repent of your sins
9. Pray to God
10. Ask for forgiveness from God

1 John 2:3-6 / When we obey God, we are sure we know him. But if we claim to know him and don't obey him, we are lying and the truth isn't in our hearts. We truly love God only when we obey him as we should, and then we know we belong to him. If we say we are his, we must follow the example of Christ.
We are all sinners but through Jesus we can find everlasting life.
Repent and turn from your old ways. Sin escalates and gets worse without regret.
Sin is not allowed in heaven so bind and resist sin on earth.
Matthew 18:18 / I assure you and most solemnly say to you, whatever you bind [forbid, declare to be improper and unlawful] on earth shall have [already] been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose [permit, declare lawful] on earth shall have [already] been loosed in heaven.
We can receive forgiveness and mercy for our sins through God the son, Jesus Christ our lord and saviour.
Forgiveness is available to everyone, even those who have made the same mistakes many times. However repentance is needed from you. Jesus will show you the right way but you still have a choice to follow or not.
How to resist the devil:
The armor of God represents the defense we must take in our spiritual lives. The Bible tells us that we are fighting a war against Satan, who seeks to destroy us. Therefore, we must take action and put on God's armor. As Christians, it is important for us to understand the severity of this battle.
Armor of God

1. the belt of truth - honesty
2. the breastplate of righteousness - do the right thing
3. the shoes of the gospel of peace - remain calm and collected
4. the shield of faith - trust God
5. the helmet of salvation - accept Jesus Christ is my lord and savior.
6. The sword of the Spirit - use and know the word of God

GOOD FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT:
Galatians 5:22-23 / But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Matthew 6:14 / For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you don't forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Luke 6:36-38 / Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.
Matthew 22:37-39 / Jesus says, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
1 Peter 4:8 / And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins
John 14:21 / Whoever has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me. The one who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and reveal Myself to him.”
SINS:
The 10 Commandments:

1. You shall have no other God's before me.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it Holy.
5. Honor your father and mother.
6. Thou shalt not kill.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8. Thou shalt not steal.
9. Thou shall not bear false witness.
10. You shall not covet.

The seven deadly sins are:

1. lust
2. gluttony
3. greed
4. laziness
5. wrath
6. envy
7. pride

Proverbs 6:16-19 / These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.
Matthew 5:27-28 / You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
James 4:17 / So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin
Colossians 3:5-6 / Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming.
Galatians 5:19-21 / Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity (hostility), strife (conflict), jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions (disagreement), divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Galatians 5:19-21 / Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality (sexual pleasure), idolatry, sorcery, enmity (hostility), strife (conflict), jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions (disagreements), divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Any miracles done that is not from God is from the devil. The devil is deceitful and will hide his sorcery in false doctrines. Do not be deceived and be led astray because this is done by the devil to hide the truth.
1 John 3:15 / Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.
CONSEQUENCES OF SIN:
James 1:12-16 / Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and SIN WHEN IT IS FULLY GROWN BRINGS FORTH DEATH. Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers
Hebrews 3:12-14 / Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an EVIL, unbelieving heart, LEADING YOU TO FALL AWAY FROM THE LIVING GOD. But exhort (strongly encourage) one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be HARDENED BY THE DECEITFULNESS OF SIN. For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.
1 Peter 3:12 / For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.
Matthew 5:30 / And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.
Proverbs 9:10 - The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
SAVED BY FAITH:
Matthew 7:21-23 / Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you workers of lawlessness!’
Ephesians 2:8 -10 = For by grace you are saved through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God; not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works that God prepared beforehand SO WE MAY DO THEM.
James 2:17 = So too, faith by itself, if it does not result in action, is dead
James 2:21-22 / Was not our father Abraham justified by what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith was working with his actions, and his faith was perfected by what he did.
My conclusion on faith:
We are saved by faith in the trinity. Works are there to strengthen your faith. Sin weakens your faith until it dies.
Reasons for evil:
Isaiah 45:7 / I form the light and create darkness, I make peace and create calamity; I, the Lord, do all these things
You have free will to choose to be good or evil. God allows you to choose even if he knows what you will choose. If he doesn't allow evil people to exist he cannot give free will to man or he cannot let man be created. If man has no free will then we can no longer call ourselves human being as we would be something else. If we are not created by God he cannot save his lost sheep born into a world of good and evil where the ground is cured and weeds grow amongst the wheat.
Hell was created for the fallen angels but also because evil people exist. Evil people cannot escape justice so God created a place of torment for them. This place is for people who disobey God and refuse to serve him.
Matthew 13: 37-39 / He answered and said unto them, He that soweth the good seed is the Son of man; The field is the world; the good seed are the children of the kingdom; but the tares are the children of the wicked one; The enemy that sowed them is the devil; the harvest is the end of the world; and the reapers are the angels.
God needs cursed ground to sow the seeds of sinners. God has rules which he also follows, he does not just do as he wants. The devil can sow his own seeds as well. The devil's seeds/children can also be saved.
Zechariah 3 1-4 = Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right side to accuse him. The LORD said to Satan, "The LORD rebuke you, Satan! The LORD, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?" Now Joshua was dressed in filthy clothes as he stood before the angel. The angel said to those who were standing before him, "Take off his filthy clothes." Then he said to Joshua, "See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put rich garments on you."
The devil is making mistakes as you can see from the verse above. Weeds can also be saved.
These sinners can be saved by faith in God the son. We are all black sheep which God is coming to find.
The reason for life:
You have free will but God also told you not to sin. Therefore you can ignore God's will and do as you please or you can obey God and do his will.
When you die or come to the end of your life on earth God will tell you who you are. Only God can define you. God loves you and wants to bless you too. Your blessings depends on what you did during your life on earth.
The bible is God's word.
2 Timothy 3:16-17 / All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.

(Passage of Philemon, only a single page)
I appeal to you to show kindness to my child, Onesimus. I became his father in the faith while here in prison. Onesimus hasn't been of much use to you in the past, but now he is very useful to both of us. I am sending him back to you, and with him comes my own heart.
I wanted to keep him here with me while I am in these chains for preaching the Good News, and he would have helped me on your behalf. But I didn't want to do anything without your consent. I wanted you to help because you were willing, not because you were forced. It seems you lost Onesimus for a little while so that you could have him back forever. He is no longer like a slave to you. He is more than a slave, for he is a beloved brother, especially to me. Now he will mean much more to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord.
​
˜”*°•.˜”*°• Jesus Christ Saves •°*”˜.•°*”˜
​
Onesiums was once a slave, who was treated worse than dirt, this was how it was back then during the ancient Greek period. But look how God not only change him but his stature in life.
God sees no partiality (Romans 2:11), but people certainly do!
God transform people into a new person. Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things have become new. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Justine Beaver once loved God with all his might. He has a good voice but didn't really stand out from the rest. He put out songs on Youtube, which was not all that popular back then, unlike now, that was how people started to take notice. But you see, God opens doors for whatever your heart desires.
Justine didn't become famous on his own, God opens doors. This is clearly evident since so many complain and say I work hard, why do I not see success? When Justine was tested, he failed time and time again. He says he is a Christian, but his tree bears no fruit.
Katy Perry is another person. Her voice is a gift from God. At the beginning of her career, she started out as a Gospel singer but not too long after, she "sold her SOUL to the devil." She regrets it today, but after tasting the forbidden fruit, her desire to eat more has devoured her completely.
Steve Harvey is a famous comedian and hosts many wholesome family shows. He was once a homeless man. It's surprising! He is always well-dressed and never forgets his past. He gives credit to God for his success and always prays in secrecy. He does not announce to the whole world that he is a Christian, as the relationship is between him and God, unlike Justine Beaver always announcing to the world he is a Christian. Steve Harvey gives back to society in a big way, but he does not tell the whole world all that he gives. With wealth comes responsibilities, this is God's desire.
Never forget, (James 1:17) Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights. Remembering to always give thanks to the GOOD Lord.
God is majestic in all his ways! God is generous and far greater giver than any people without expecting anything back in return. When you build a relationship with God, he blesses you without even asking because God is the GOOD FATHER, the highest, the splendor above all.
Prepare for the Lord's coming www.bible-learn.org

They applaud my vast resilience,
And what I've grown from a rigged seed-
Though I've clung to the thorns of hope
'Till my grip compelled hope to heed.
I've loved what bruised my soul,
Absorbed the venom of its cruel ties-
Conquered life's greatest betrayals,
Yet weep at the sight of dying flies.
I fled from the comfort of hollow places,
Took what little was given and crafted a home-
I've drifted through everlasting acers,
To find a spark in life's sullen gloam.
They praise that light I've become,
But all that lies is a delicate ray-
For the most grueling fight of them all
Was the one where I had to walk away.
https://www.reddit.com/OCPoetry/comments/1441z6q/no_destination/jniygmo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3
https://www.reddit.com/OCPoetry/comments/143gr7t/the_old_me/jniymdb/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3

So In my country, there is a festival for girls where it's a tradition to wear new dress. It lasts for three days and some girls wear new dresses for every 3 days. I was actually excited for it as I had already searched for nice tops and a pair of jeans that I really liked and were trendy. One top especially as I had seed it one one of friends and really liked it. So I had added it to cart, just a different colour. In my area, It is norm to only buy new dresses on festivals as there are many festivals and those dresses are enough. I have gone one size up so a lot of dresses don't fit me anymore.
But in last few years, My father buys me dresses but repeats one thing at first always, "You weren't like this before. You knew how to adjust. You would just wear your sister's old ones. You didn't ask for too much. You were better before" and this eventually spirals to how I don't study hard as before and don't get first position like before. It happened in these lockdown times. Maybe because my mom used to wreck havoc about how MANY dresses me and my sisters had and how it was too much to clean etc.
This year I had made many impulse purchases but I still kept the cost to a bare minimum. Like my birthday outfit was nearly 10 US dollars.(I am Indian). Another was 6. I just found a cheap online shopping site. This time I had properly researched and read the reviews before I chose my outfit. I then showed it to my mom. She liked one top and my jeans. But didn't like the other one. (the one I liked from a friend). But I still pestered her to let me order it. She just said wait, wait and delayed it. Now It's very close the date of festival and there is not enough time for shipping. I confronted my mom about it and she was like, buy it from local shops. But it's costlier and they don't have what I like. But I still said okay.
It happened in the morning. I thought my mom meant she would go with me for shopping so I asked her again some time ago. She angrily said It's not time yet. wait. But then she just called me into the bedroom and said to my father that she (I) wants something. I didn't understand at first but then got it. I said about the festival. But my father repeated again, "You knew how to adjust....." I was fed up so I stood up and went, "ok , I don't need a new outfit at all, I am adjusting " and stormed out of the room. But my father called me and said " No I am not asking you to adjust, You can buy a dress. Why are you getting so angry nowadays? " I just replied, " Whatever. I am totally okay with not buying and I will not celebrate it at all." My father insisted and it was done. Keep in mind that yesterday beacause his vegan friend came over who was vegan and didn't eat in meat cooked dishes or stove, He bought a new induction cooker for him alongwith new dishes. And his friend only comes over once every few months.
Then my mom finally interjected saying okay go to ________(a nearby shop) and buy her a dress. I was totally bummed. Then she said that also take her cousin and buy her one too. (My father's sister's daughter who has been staying in my uncle's house these few days.) And my father quickly agreed. My mother asked my father for a dress for my older which he also agreed.
Now we will go out in a few minutes. But I am dreading it actually. In the past few years, I have been doing a struggle, a protest like in a court to defend myself just for what? To have a bare piece of clothing. But for others it's easy for my parents to just give money. When it comes to me, No, I go out too much, I have so many problems that I cannot be given anything. Yesterday I literally had to beg for 75 cents to buy a fancy clip at a fair. It is too much. And my father would not let me buy anything trendy as it would not be to" his liking". Ultimately I would be in most conservative shit which is too big as anything else is too short or so that I have space to grow, which in the case of oversized t-shirts, completely different, as it's weird and too much. I am planning to be in my old clothes till it literally rips off or my shirts become so tight and short that it becomes a crop top. No need for so much drama for a simple outfit which I would have bought happily for a cheaper rate and to my liking.
Just wanted to vent a little.

WARNING: If you apply this you may have unlimited energy, quit your sh**** job and pursue a life of entrepreneurship, friends and family members may not recognize you because of your glow and physical transformation, and have a life of freedom and purpose.
You’ve been warned. Read on to find out.
I have been obsessed with understanding how our minds work, why is it we do things we know are bad for us and why don’t we do things we know are good for us.
I’ve recently read a book “The Easy Way To Control Alcohol” whos author has helped millions of people quit alcohol and smoking cigarettes and a lot of what was taught can be applied to nofap. Keep reading to learn how you can apply this starting now.Let’s start with how we may have been going about this the wrong way. After many slipbacks, my longest streak now being at 135 days and counting, this simple technique has helped me get there.
Since then I have transformed into someone and done things I’ve never thought I could accomplish. A few being, started doing brazilian jiu jitsu, got a $20,000 raise at work bc of taking more risks and stepping up. Going from 25% body fat to 15% and looking like a whole new person. Taught myself computer programming, reading a book a week, and started a dropshipping business as a side business. None of this would be possible as the old me who fapped 2-3x a day and told myself everytime this is it, I am done!
The technique and simple mindset reframe: Instead of focusing on nofap and the negatives that watching p*** and fapping cause to you, you need to reframe this to the massive benefits that semen retention give you!If all you think about all day is I am doing nofap I will not watch p*** you are relying solely on willpower and one bad trigger away from a relapse. Now take this reproach, instead of focusing on nofap, switch to “I am retaining my semen, every second I retain it I am getting more stronger and powerful and becoming the ultimate version of myself.”
If you play video games, you character will most of the time have a health bar and a special powers bar. Visualize it like this, every second you retain, you get stronger and your super power bar is charging and refilling. You can feel the energy and super powers coursing through you and you are becoming the ultimate version of yourself to conquer the world and walk your journey and conquest.Switch from focusing on the negatives of what happens when you fap and watch p*** to the BENEFITS YOU GAIN from retaining your semen.It makes it so much easier, again, to go throughout the day with this reframe thinking “I’m getting stronger and more powerful every second I retain.” vs Today I will not watch p*** and fap.
With this is mind, think about this, if I told you to close your eyes and don’t think of an elephant, what’s going to happen? You are going to think of an elephant. This is why the whole approach of “I’m not going to fap, I’m not going to fap, I’m not going to fap, I’m not going to watch p***” may not have worked for you.
Switch those thoughts to “I am retaining and getting stronger”. Visualize yourself mentally as your favorite video game character getting stronger and stronger to god mode!
HOW TO HANDLE URGES: Here’s a little trick that works for me. Think about your favorite battle scene you have seen in a movie, tv show or video game. (Lord of the rings, John Wick, The Matrix is for me, any awesome battle scene, etc.) When the hero of that movie/tv/video game was fighting in a battle, and he was completely overrun and it seemed he was going to be defeated. But then BAM! He went into god-mode found the strength and energy and completely destroyed the enemy.I like to think of that scene in the Matrix when neo is in the courtyard and all the bad guys are coming after him and he is just destroying them. Then they all jump on top of him and it seems he’s defeated. But atlast he blasts off into the sky and defeats them.
Or when I used to play assassins creed and I would just destroy a group of bad guys. Whatever scene gets you fired up, use this, visualize your bad thoughts and urges, they aren’t you they are trying to capture and take over your mind. But you are godmode you destroy them every time they try. THEY DO NOT STAND A CHANCE!
Think of your urges like this. They are the enemy and demons in your mind and you are the super hero, you unleash god-mode and you completely fuck them up slaying the enemy, completely destroying them. They keep coming at you but you default them in the most bad ass way you can visualize. And everytime you do this you get stronger and stronger, bc you are retaining and getting your super power bar up!
Your mind is the fortified castle, your urges and the puny enemy, who wants to so desperately take over it, but you are strong and powerful and you demolish them! The enemy (urges) are running to your kingdom. But you stay calm and strong at the front lines, sword in hand with your army behind you bc you know they don’t stand a chance. And as they approach you slay them down and completely fuck shit up!James Clear in Atomic Habits says this – “You don't need to quit smoking, you just need to return to being a non–smoker. You don't need to transform into a healthy person, you just need to return to being healthy.”To apply this to our situations: “You don’t need to quit p*** and masturbation, you just need to return to being a person who doesn’t do thatEasiest way is to change your identity. Nah, I just don’t do that, that was the old me.
Myself, I always need to understand the “why” to really buy into something so I recommend instead of reading, learning and watching videos about nofap, read about benefits of semen retention. It will open up a whole new mindset for you!Remember, the reframe, it is not today I not watch p*** I will not fap. It is, every second I retain I am becoming more powerful, unleashing god-mode to conquer my life and put destiny into my old hands. The old weak you has died off, you are now the hero of your life’s story. And for urges, visualize your favorite super hero, or bad ass character you love, slaying and demolishing your urges, making them beg to stop! And each time you do this you are becoming stronger and stronger and the ultimate version of yourself.
Recommended:
Outwitting the devil - Napoleon Hill
Atomic Habits - James Clear
Semen Retention Miracle
Go down the rabbit hole on semen retention and it’s benefits for confidence, muscle building, attracting partners into your life, it will be the best thing you ever decided to do
BONUS: to make this even easier I recommend getting web filter on your devices. I use DNSFilter, I created a gmail account with an email and pw I cannot remember, and used that to create the account for the web filter as well.I then schedule an email to be sent to my personal email every month or so with the login details incase I need to get in there for whatever reason. These extra barriers make it easier for you. Just like if you want to lose weight, don’t have junk food in the house. If you want to quit watching that crap, don’t be allowed to.Also, put your cellphone in black and white mode. It will make it less addicting!

Life is hard in the pine-shadowed hollows of the Shudder Mountains. It’s a place filled with natural beauty and supernatural horror. Folks don’t have much money, but what they lack in coin, they make up for in spirit and community. It’s a place where manners matter and good folks honor the Sovereign and fear the Devil. A place where a little song and moonshine shared around the fire might make your night, and a single piece of silver might save your life. You and your companions have been through the worst of it. Now you travel the mountains helping your neighbors with their troubles, discovering the secrets of the Deep Hollows, and holding back the dark of night. Welcome home, traveler, why don’t you stay for a spell?
The Shudder Mountains is a horror-fantasy setting based on Appalachian folklore and the Silver John stories by Manly Wade Wellman. It’s a sort of 1910’s era D&D with some limited firearms along with swords and magic. Monsters here are more akin to cryptids like Bigfoot or the Mothman than beholders and dragons. Your characters are monster hunters in the vein of Supernatural or The Witcher who wander from place to place in the mountains helping people with their problems and exploring dark and forbidden places.
I currently have 5 players, and I am looking to add another 1 for a weekly game Wednesday nights 8 pm – 11:30 pm EST. Please be able to show up every week and have a reliable internet connection. We play using a mix of Zoom and Discord with both audio and video. Encounter mix is typically 40% Combat / 30% Exploration / 30% Roleplaying, but we might go a little heavier on roleplaying in this one. Character death is on the table and could happen at any time as determined by player decisions and the dice. We’ll be using a dice bot in Discord and will not be using D&D Beyond. I’m looking for players age 25+, we’re LGBTQ-friendly, and new players are welcome.
We are currently 1 session into the campaign, halfway through the first adventure and had 2 players suddenly drop out. Looking to add 1 new player prior to our next session Wednesday June 14th so you can start the campaign with the other players. We are doing a 0-level Funnel adventure for character creation rolling 3d6 for attributes straight in order. If you’re not familiar with that, I’d be happy to explain it to you.
See our list of house rules and restrictions handout along with our consent form and content warnings here:
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1n94vm0hMTk1fNkHHNHy28el7pDj2dUxU?usp=sharing
Please comment below with any questions or if you’re interested in playing.

Finally completing my buildout.
Recreational grow, can’t bring in clones so I have to use seeds (as per my state).
I have a tiered LED grow (72 flowering lights @ 630 watts).
I will be popping regular seeds to help minimize the chance of hermaphroditism.
Unfortunately THC% is going to be the driving force here (buyers want that high number and I’m not going to argue) so I really need to be hitting 27%+ but of course other factors are also important
My plan is to pop 100 regular seeds of 6 different strains and cull out everything but the “best” females of each.
So what breeders or lineage would you be looking at here in 2023?

So I guess newsreaders can hide their emotions really well on TV. I’ve never seen Mary Markov in any state of heightened temper. The time she came down to help after I’d burned down the FunFlair building with Frankie was definitely a first in that regard. Then again, I’d never committed arson before either, so there were a lot of firsts that night. It’s been two days, but I can still see her angry face before me when I close my eyes. It frightened me a little.
After the fire had been doused by her staff, she gave Fran and me a look unlike anything I’d ever seen before. There was a homicidal rage in her eyes, her mouth had turned into a thin, steely line and the vein on her forehead threatened to pop. To my surprise (and admittedly relief), she turned the entirety of that wrath against Frankie Preston. “What in the world were you thinking?” she thundered, looming dangerously over the shorter man. “You committed a goddamn crime! If you were a normal person, I’d have to get you behind bars now!”
“Wait, I’m the privileged one here?” he snapped. “That woman tortured me! She brought me into this world by fault and proceeded to make me wish I’d never been born! And there was nothing I could ever do about it, because, oh, that’s right, I’m not a normal person! As you so endearingly put it. No one has a fucking clue what I am, so it’s okay for me to suffer, isn’t it?”
Mary opened her mouth to respond, but only ended up shutting it again. Then she focused her scrutiny onto me. “I thought you’d have known better.”
“I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but I knew what I was getting myself into. This was a contemplated decision.”
“Was it ever.”
I motioned for her to step aside with me, bringing a bit of distance between ourselves and my waiter. “I’ll make it up to you,” I began. “I will, but please, please drop this.”
“Did he force you to come?”
“You don’t actually believe he could force me into anything, do you?”
Mary Markov sighed. “I guess not. Look, it’s not like I don’t understand his grudge. And from what I know of Ms Wallis, she won’t be missed by many. I just wish it didn’t have to come to this. This means a ton of work for me.”
“It means so much more to him.”
Another sorrowful moan. Then, “Alright. I have your back. But don’t, um… encourage this kind of behavior in him, please.”
“I won’t,” I promised. “What are you going to do about the other doll?”
“She’s in bad shape—”
“Trash shape,” Fran chimed in from behind, having inconspicuously strayed closer.
“She’s in bad shape,” Mary repeated, pointedly ignoring him, “and currently unresponsive, but since you said she’s shown signs of sentience, I guess we’ll have to look into her. It prompts a very interesting question, after all.”
“Being?” I offered.
“Think about it. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the other two living dolls, Zion Boyd and Bunny Martell, but they came alive after Frank tinkered with them. And now there’s this one. Maybe your little boyfriend has some kind of yet to be explored ability, seeing as he was the first to gain awareness.” She fell silent for a pregnant pause, glancing between the two of us. “Something to ponder on your drive home. Which you will be starting now.” She made a shooing motion with both her hands.
The message being quite clear, Frankie and I got back into his car. The ride was quiet at first, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable stillness. It felt like a weight I didn’t know I’d been carrying had been lifted. I stared at the server’s profile, alternately framed by nightly darkness and moonlight, drinking in every little detail about it. It was hard to believe that someone as cruel as Philomena Wallis had created something this breathtaking.
“So you’ll probably wanna talk about all of this, huh. About what I am, I mean.” Frankie’s voice was light and relaxed with only a hint of uncertainty gnawing at it.
“What’s there to talk about?”
“Aren’t you surprised? A little… disgusted, maybe?”
“I always knew you weren’t human. Beyond that, it doesn’t really matter to me what you are.” I shrugged. “I mean, I’d be fine if you were human, too. I’d be fine if you were a squonk.”
“What’s a squonk?”
“I don’t know, I just made that up. Anyways, did you actually think I would be grossed out? Did you?”
He smiled. “I guess not. This’ll sound crazy, and it’s hard to explain, but it’s like I got a voice in the back of my head constantly telling me that… that I should wash myself again or that I ought not to touch you. I suppose it’s not really a voice; it’s only these thoughts that kind of keep pushing into my mind even though I should know better. And I do know better. But that doesn’t stop the thoughts.”
I nodded slowly. “I think I understand. I can’t tell you how much I disagree with that voice, though. You’re the cleanest person I’ve ever met and if I could, I’d live in your hair like a cootie."
"That's how close you want me?"
"Yup.”
He let out a soft laugh. “I’m really, really glad you came with me. If there’s ever anything you need, I’ll do it. No matter what. If you want to bury a body, I’ll dig the hole.” He paused. “Actually, we should sell any corpses you might have. It’s wonderfully lucrative.”
I shot him a quick smile before turning to stare out the window with knitted brows. “What do you think about what Mary Markov said? About you being able to make the dolls come alive somehow.”
“I don’t know if there’s anything to it. I don’t remember doing anything special with them. Zion and Bunny were just standing around when I turned them on, and they came to within minutes. I figured they were sentient before, and it was simply repressed. I woke up randomly, too, after all.”
I hummed pensively. “I wouldn’t be so sure.”
“Well, if you’re implying it’s some kinda superpower, then that’s probably the most useless one ever.”
“We don’t have to talk about this now,” I told him, to which he gave me a grateful half-grin.
Per my request, he dropped me off at Nettie’s place. I kissed him goodbye on the crown of his head and told him we’d text the following day. He thanked me again and I watched him drive off before going up to ring the doorbell, mentally preparing an apology for showing up at five-thirty in the morning. My savior human was surprisingly quick to answer, giving me an indulgent wave as soon as I stumbled over my first “I’m sorry”.
“It’s fine,” she muttered. “I hadn’t gone to bed yet.”
I gave her an incredulous look and she sighed, crossing her arms in front of her chest. Her normally soft, rounded cheeks were sunken, her eyes oddly dull. Judging from the angry red marks, she’d apparently been chewing on her lower lip with some force. It was only then that I took note of the sweater she was wearing. A faded, shaggy piece of fabric that clearly hadn’t been washed since Kit Sutton had given it to her on the cliff that day. I felt a sharp pang in my chest and pulled her into a hug as soon as I’d stepped inside with her.
She stifled a sob when she wrapped her arms around me in return. “It’s hit or miss with me when it comes to sleep lately,” she confessed in a brittle voice.
I swallowed. “I’m working on it. I’ll get her back for you, I have a lead. Is there anything I can do in the meantime?”
“Not really. I just gotta distract myself ‘til the morning comes, I’ll be fine then.”
“Then I’ll stay up with you.”
It was thus decided. We sat down in the living room for a while, then went out into the garden to watch the sunrise. My savior human had taken her place in her mother’s chair while I whipped up some chocolate chip pancakes (one of her favorites) for her for breakfast. I carried them out to her on a little plate with a cup of tea, and for a moment, her expression cleared up for a beam of happiness to shine through. “We should do something productive,” she remarked, and I gave her a questioning tilt of the head. “I’ve been thinking,” she went on. “Isn’t it weird how all these years, you didn’t hop dimensions once, and now all of a sudden it keeps happening?”
“Don’t worry about that right now.”
“I always worry, baby girl. It’s my natural state of being.”
“It shouldn’t be,” I insisted. “It feels wrong. You have your own problems, I don’t want to add to that.”
“Seriously, that’s not what’s happening here. This is just how I keep my mind off… things.”
I rolled my lips together. Blue-haired things, probably. “You deserve so much better. You deserve this to be way, way easier,” I stated.
“That’s a nice thought. But it doesn’t change anything right now. You can control your body, can’t you? Your teeth and tentacles?”
“Yes. It happens automatically when I get scared sometimes, but for the most part, I’m actively doing it.”
“Then how about if we could somehow start getting you on top of your dimension jumping, too? It would be a tad risky and I’m not sure how to go about it exactly, but it would be far better if you could toggle it. You’d be able to stop yourself from hopping when you don’t want to, but maybe you could venture into these other spaces for exploration purposes, too.” The words spilled out of her like a babbling little waterfall as she plucked apart one of her pancakes and stuffed them into her mouth. “Because there has to be more to this. I just have that feeling. So I reckon we try and find a way to work with this. What do you think?”
“Sure. I guess I’d be… open to that.”
“Really? I-I don’t want to pressure you…”
“No, no, it sounds fine! I wanna try!”
“Okay!” She set aside her plate, rubbing her hands in blatant excitement. “So it happens when your flight instinct kicks in, correct? How about we get you in that headspace on purpose?”
“How would we do that?” I asked cautiously.
When I was sitting cross-legged on the ground among my savior human’s countless flowers with my eyes closed and her hand in mine, that question had pretty much answered itself. Nettie Peterson was leading me in a “guided meditation” consisting of several intrusive queries about my first ever jump—the most terrifying moment of my entire life.
“The thing, that floating maw, what did it look like?” she began, referring to the creature that had ended it all.
I furrowed my brows. “It didn’t look like anything,” I replied meekly. “Mostly, it was just… really big and dark.”
“Dark? What color dark?”
“Black, I guess. It swallowed the light.” A pulsating pain began to flare up behind my forehead. “It was nothing. It was like a giant ball of nothing.”
“You told me once that it made a noise,” my best friend went on, her fingers grasping mine a little tighter. “Do you remember that sound?”
I winced. “Yes.”
“Describe it.”
“It was more like a vibration that went through everything,” I mumbled. “The ground was shaking. And then we all screamed.”
“Did you see inside its mouth?”
“No. There was nothing inside of its mouth. There was nothing inside of it. Just emptiness.” I shifted my weight. Images were flashing in front of my inner eye, filling the darkness behind my closed lids. My breath had caught in my throat and it felt like ants were crawling beneath my skin. “And then all of us were suddenly… nothing, everything was gone and at that last moment, everyone was so terrified. They all knew it was over. All of them.”
At first, I thought Nettie Peterson’s hand was trembling. Then I realized it was my own, shaking hers through the contact. For a moment, my body felt feather-light, but not in a relaxing or comfortable way. It was as though I was afloat, out of control and weightless. I didn’t like it. “Can we stop?” I choked out.
“Of course,” my best friend replied, gently squeezing my fingers.
I let go of a deep breath, blinking my eyes open. Across from me, Nettie was giving me a soft but deeply apologetic smile. “Did I push you too far?”
“It’s not your fault. I think I simply wasn’t ready for this.”
“I understand. Let’s go inside and make some more of those—” She stopped mid-sentence. She’d been pointing her chin at the plate of pancakes resting on her chair, only to see that it had changed.
The food I had just served her half an hour ago had turned into a moldy, rotten mess. A couple flies were circling it, emitting a low, almost melodic buzz. My savior human and I traded wide-eyed glances, disbelief, fear and excitement mirrored in our eyes. We then got up to take in our surroundings. The flowers surrounding us weren’t the same anymore. They were either withered or deathly pale; formerly pink, yellow and red petals had become either light gray or iridescently white. Thick, soupy fog was hanging over everything, it was denser and heavier than any we’d ever had in town before. The mist seemed to have consumed all the noise and color in the world, leaving only cold, oppressive silence.
Nettie was the first to regain speech. “It worked! Oh my Lord, it actually worked.”
I clasped her arm and she immediately fell silent. Wordlessly, I pointed at the rolling fog on the other side of the garden fence. There was something moving within. An enormous, caterpillar-like shape soundlessly dragged itself through the air, its long body slowly moving along across the street. My savior human’s jaw had dropped, her mouth wide open as she followed my gaze. Neither of us moved a muscle as we waited for the creature to pass by. Thankfully, it didn’t seem to take note of us at all. I didn’t want to imagine what could happen if one were to draw its attention.
“This is… I don’t believe this,” Nettie breathed, running a hand over her mussed coils. “You did it. We’re not home anymore.”
“What do you propose to do now?”
“Keep our heads low and try to find out anything useful, I’d say.”
I nodded and she folded her hand into the crook of my arm. Together, we proceeded through the open door back into the house. Wammawink and Nettie’s old convertible were standing in their garage, a pool of motor fluid surrounding each vehicle. The paint was peeling from the car doors, matching the way the pictures and photographs around her house had faded.
The food in her kitchen had morphed into a self-contained ecosystem. Bugs were crawling up and down the walls and ghostly white mice scuttled across the floor with shocking brazenness. There was no trace of human life anywhere in sight. We stepped out the front door and into the street only for Nettie to grab me and fling me to the ground next to her. We flattened ourselves against the curb as another one of the gigantic caterpillar-figures snaked its way along just a couple feet above our heads. I craned my neck to give my best friend a sidelong glance out of terrified, saucer-sized eyes. I could see my reflection in hers as she pressed a finger to her lips. I gave her a tiny nod.
Finally, it was gone again and we helped each other to our feet. Nettie brushed down her sweater with great care before tilting her head at me as though asking if I was alright. I gave a reassuring, albeit wavering smile which she returned with a slight strain to her brow. We linked arms again and started walking down the street. The whole dimension seemed to be a mirror image of our hometown, only deader. Aside from the flies and vermin, there seemed to be very little life. All of the houses we were so familiar with looked decrepit, old and empty. Walls were crumbling down, roofs looked to be seconds away from caving in and most windows were shattered. It was impossible to see ahead through the mist, but we managed to hide from the flying worm-things everytime they came up.
We were starting to become a little frustrated seeing as our exploration yielded nothing of note. There was hardly anything to be seen safe from the depressing alternate version of our neighborhood. On top of that, the clammy chill that hung in the air along with the fog was making us increasingly uncomfortable. Finally, we decided we should try and get back home. We returned to Nettie’s garden where we crouched down once again, hand in hand. Before my savior human could begin her questioning though, the ground beneath us suddenly began to shudder, heaving as if moved by some kind of subterranean pulse.
Nettie Peterson and I snapped our eyes open at the exact same time, mouths agape in bewilderment. And then we saw it. It was in the sky, partially veiled by the thick fog yet impossible to overlook. It became darker and darker as it neared, its indescribably large form seemed to envelop the entirety of the heavens. It had been five years since I had last seen it, but I recognized it immediately. Not that it had any features I could have recognized. I remembered though, and in that moment, it all came flooding back to me. The breeders that threw themselves in front of their young, the cries that echoed across the plains together with the stones and soil sent rolling by the earthquake. I caught my best friend’s gaze, read the terror in it and knew that it was just as immense as my own. Her lips were parted in an ear-piercing scream that ended up being drowned out by the hovering roar of the Devourer Of Worlds.
I squeezed her hand so tightly I feared I’d snap her fingers. And suddenly, before I knew it, all was silent again. The air was warmer, filled with the fragrances of countless different flowers. The early morning sun was shining down on us, and it felt like it was heating up my very core. We were back. In the blink of an eye, Nettie had thrown her arms around me, pulling me close to her chest.
“Baby girl,” she whispered.
“That was it,” I rasped out. “That was it.”
“I know.” Withdrawing just an inch, she wiped a thumb over my eye, careful not to scrape me with her nail. It was only then that I realized I was crying. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, noiseless and hot, dripping from my chin and wetting my chest.
"You're not hurt, are you? Look, it's going to be alright. You just take it easy now. We'll go inside, have some tea or coffee or whatever and calm down, a-and then we can figure this all out. Come on. Get up. Easy, easy now." She hugged me even as she pulled me to my feet and into the house alongside her. "So tea. How about strawberry? Or Turkish apple? Or classic chamomile? Something for the nerves, at any rate."
"Wait," I stammered, interrupting her monologue. "What about you? Are you okay?"
"Oh, no. No, no, no, far from it. I'll sign us both up for therapy once I find the time, but for now, tea! Tea."
"Nettie, please don't strain yourse—"
"Listen here, I'm gonna make you some goddamn tea and we'll sit down with it and it's gonna be warm and nice and we'll forget all about this. I'm here. I can take care of you. You do not need to be scared." She pressed her face close up to mine, her voice sharp and a mite threatening.
"I'm sort of scared of you right now."
"Oh." She drew back. "Pardon. I'll put on the tea." A forced, crooked tune tumbled from her lips as she went ahead into the kitchen.
We've both simmered down a little since the incident. It's been two days now. I used most of that time to unwind and recover from what had to be the single most eventful night of my time here on earth. Keep in mind, this happened the morning after the fire. The calm is not going to last much longer, though. I don't mind that, I just need to brace myself.
Rhonda's been in touch.
X
1
2: deadbeat roommate
3: creepy crush
4: relocation
5: beach concert
6: First date
7: Temp work
8: roommate talk
9: a dismal worldview
10: warehouse
11: staircase
12: explanation
13: hurt
14: hospital
15: ocean
16: diner
17: government work
18: something in the caves
19: shopping cart
20: olms and Jewels
21: long hair
22: recruitment
23: waitresses
24: dollhouse
25: burning plastic

So context- I am a stay at home and default parent. My husband sometimes works 60 hours. Last school year I took our 2 year old to a sitters once a week while older child, 7 was at school so I could do house chores in peace, get shit done, go to my appts, etc.
The end of December I suffered respiratory failure because I’m asthmatic and caught the worst strain of the flu going around this past winter. Recovery was absolutely hell. Once husband went back to work (he was able to stay home with us and take care of me for ~2 weeks, which I am very grateful for), our toddler was between the sitter and my MIL for about 5 weeks. Every week I was able to slowly decrease the days he went as I gained back my strength, mobility, mental clarity, etc. I went back to taking him one day a week however because I was still quickly exhausted and had even more doctors appointments and just need to REST. Yesterday, I took our toddler to the sitter after having not for 3.5 weeks so my older son and I could have a day just us. He doesn’t get much individualized attention and I feel it’s only fair that he gets a day every once in awhile with just mommy because that was his life for 4.5 years before our toddler came along. We watched some shows and snuggled, built a couple of Lego sets, played Spider-Man (he loves costumes and playing pretend). I also got some laundry done and put away. We had such an amazing day together and I felt so good about it. Toddler was at the sitters for ~7 hours.
My husband was completely upset and pissed off because I’m a stay at home mom and shouldn’t be taking our son to a sitter. This upset me deeply because it makes me feel completely unappreciated and unseen. I do all of this by myself. He doesn’t help take care of the house or dogs (2), he does help with the kids. I am a fucking stress case because of issues going on between us. I am highly anxious to the point of throwing up almost every day. Even if it was to just take him to the sitters and fuck off all day (which I’ve never done; I’m always taking care of the house, catching up on chores, doctors appts, etc) am I undeserving of a break? Is everything that I do of so little value that I do not deserve some time to myself? Some quietness and stillness? I spend my days taking care of and worrying about every other god damn thing in this house and have always put myself last to the point of crippling depression in the past.
All I wanted was a day to focus on my oldest. I felt so great about the day we had and how I was able to be present with him, which admittedly lately has been very difficult. I have felt mine and my oldest connection slipping and I wanted to reconnect with him without the interruption of his little brother constantly needing me.
Please do not get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful that my husband works his ass of for us. He is very tired often because of the long hours he works. I appreciate that. I let him sleep nearly all day on his days off, if I ask him to do anything, it’s 1-2 small things like load the dishwasher or change the trash. He has made me feel unseen and unappreciated so much in the past and I thought it was better. He used to say he was so happy for me that I got some time for myself and it helped improve my mental health greatly. But now I feel like he’s back to disregarding everything I do, like it’s nothing and I don’t need and am not deserving of a break (which again my breaks are not true breaks). How did he go from happy for me that I was able to have and make some space for myself to make me feel like I’m a rotten person for taking my toddler to the sitter so I could have a day with my oldest?
I’m a stay at home mom so am I not deserving of that? Are only working moms deserving of a break? Is what I do not a 24/7 job?
I feel so damn worthless and defeated right now.

Finally completing my buildout.
Recreational grow, can’t bring in clones so I have to use seeds (as per my state).
I have a tiered LED grow (72 flowering lights @ 630 watts).
I will be popping regular seeds to help minimize the chance of hermaphroditism.
Unfortunately THC% is going to be the driving force here (buyers want that high number and I’m not going to argue) so I really need to be hitting 27%+ but of course other factors are also important
My plan is to pop 100 regular seeds of 6 different strains and cull out everything but the “best” females of each.
So what breeders or lineage would you be looking at here in 2023?

Earlier this year, I got a new cell phone. My old one was getting unreasonably slow, and I was way overdue for an upgrade. And, if I’m being honest, I was tired of not having all of the cool new features that my friends had. So I went online, browsed around and found a fantastic new phone I could use to make all of my friends jealous, at least until they upgraded again.
My new phone’s great. It’s got twice the storage of my old phone, it’s running the newest OS, and basically just has all the bells and whistles. Top notch cameras, hotspot mode—you name it, this phone can do it. It’s even got built-in voice-to-text on voicemails, so that when someone leaves me a message, I can just read what they had to say instead of having to actually dial in and listen to it. It’s not perfect, but it gives me the gist of the message, at least. Given that most of the voicemails I get are robocalls asking me to vote for some candidate, or scams telling me that the IRS is coming to arrest me, this feature has saved me a bunch of time.
A few weeks ago, however, I got a voicemail transcript that just said “Hurt.” One word, nothing else. The timer bar showed that the call was over three minutes long, though, which was particularly weird. Obviously, I played that one back to hear what was going on. Had the caller just said “hurt” and then hung around on the line? Had I been butt-dialed, and just caught the very beginning of a conversation at the end? It wasn’t from a number I recognized, but that didn’t necessarily mean I didn’t know the caller.
Except there turned out not to be a caller. I listened to the entire voicemail, all three minutes and forty-two seconds of it, and it was completely silent. I mean, there was a little bit of static, enough so that I knew that my phone hadn’t just cut off, but there wasn’t even the sort of background noise you get when you’ve been called from someone’s purse or pocket. There was nothing, and there definitely wasn’t anyone saying “hurt.”
I listened to the voicemail twice more before deleting it. It was weird, but I didn’t give it any more thought after that. Technology does strange things sometimes, you know? Makes it interesting. I used to have an iPod that would skip songs it didn’t like. It made me laugh. I appreciated that it had a bit of personality.
But then a few days later, I got another long, blank voicemail. This time, the transcript said, “You there? Helm.” This one was a minute and six seconds long, and just like the first one, there was absolutely nothing on it even remotely like a voice. I closed myself in a silent room, turned the volume all the way up and pressed my ear to the phone, and there was nothing. Just that quiet static, like a white noise machine playing from the next room over. Not even any real variations in that sound. Nothing.
The day after that, there was another one. This one was two minutes long and it said “miss you,” according to the transcript. I downloaded the voicemail that time and played it back on my computer. Not only could I still not hear anything, but the spectrogram showed absolutely no spikes. There just wasn’t any sound in there, but my voicemail was convinced there were words.
I tried a few things then. I borrowed a friend’s phone and called mine, left myself a blank voicemail. No transcript. Then I called again, played the recording I’d made of the “miss you” blank voicemail into the phone. My phone faithfully reported it as “miss you” again, even though I could see on the computer that the speakers hadn’t produced any sound other than that quiet hiss.
My friend’s phone had voicemail transcription too, so I swapped the phones, called his, and left him a recording of that blank voicemail. I just wanted to prove that it was something weird with my phone, but when his phone popped up with the voicemail notification, his transcript read “miss you,” too.
We both got kind of freaked out at that point, but we decided to try it with one more. I still had the “helm” one from the previous day saved, so we transferred it over to the computer, called his phone and let that blank recording play through, too. This time, the transcript wasn’t quite the same. I don’t know if his phone had better speakers or better transcription software or what, but his voicemail transcript read, “You there? Help me.”
So my friend bailed out at that point, and I couldn’t really blame him. Silent calls from nowhere were bad enough, and now that they were getting creepy on top of it? Time to get out, for sure.
Only when I thought about it, it wasn’t really that creepy, was it? If anything, it was sad. Someone, something, was trying to contact me, and I couldn’t even hear it. Him. It. And it couldn’t hear me, because all it ever got was my voicemail.
I decided to start answering the phone when I got calls from unrecognized numbers. The first few were more robocalls, and I hung up on them as soon as they started talking. There was always a brief moment of hope when I said “Hello?” to an empty line, and then a letdown as the telemarketer or automated message cut in.
And then one time, after I said “Hello?”, there was nothing but silence and a faraway hiss. I listened, straining my ears, but heard nothing but that soft susurrus.
“Can you hear me? I want to help you,” I said. I felt like I was calling out over a great distance, and fought the urge to raise my voice. I heard no response.
“Tell me what I can do for you,” I pleaded. Still, there was nothing. I stayed on the line, listening, until it clicked dead a couple of minutes later.
Since then, I’ve been getting voicemails almost every day. They’re always of varying length, some as short as forty seconds, one almost five minutes long. I don’t usually bother to listen anymore, because I know I’ll hear nothing but that quiet, continuous sigh. But I read the transcripts, fragmentary and occasionally garbled as they are.
Hurts said one, which I think is what the first one was supposed to say, too.
Searching, said another.
Come find me.
Ever tomb.
Marking light for dark.
Smiles.
Hurts dark.
Peace.
Help, help you.
Invitation commit accept.
Blood, water.
As you can see, they don’t usually make a lot of sense. They veer between creepy and peaceful, lost messages getting tangled trying to make their way out of a labyrinth. It’s been a fascinating view into something, even if I’m not sure what I’m seeing.
But today, my phone’s been ringing off the hook. Every time a call ends, a new one starts ringing. I answered a couple of times, and it’s always that same eerie silence. And today, every time the voicemail notification beeps, the transcript says the exact same thing:
See you soon.

Carlyle blinked in the light as his blindfold was pulled away. His vision was still blurry after the beating he took from the henchmen, but the shape of an all too familiar face gradually swam into view.
‘Scathelocke! I should have known!’
His old enemy smiled down at him lazily. ‘Mr Carlyle. ‘I’d already surmised that you were the invader,’ he drawled. ‘Although so much time had elapsed since our previous encounter, I’d begun to suspect that you had chosen to abandon your vendetta against me.’
‘I thought you were dead!’ Carlyle said. He struggled to stand, his head swimming, only to realise that his hands and feet were bound. ‘You should never have survived that explosion.’
Scathelocke stalked to a side table where he poured himself two fingers of whisky. ‘I comprehend your reasoning for holding such a conviction. I was fortunate enough to evade the situation, but numerous others weren’t.’ He drained the glass in one swallow. ‘Do you approve of my new headquarters?’
Carlyle strained to take in the cavernous room. ‘The evil-hideout-in-a-volcano is a bit cliché, but I think you know that. Still, it’s better than the Arctic bunker. And the underwater lair.’
A brief look of triumph crossed Scathelock’s face. ‘I’d always intended the Aquapalatium to be inadequate. The scheme was a complex long-term plan. The act of committing insurance fraud is an effortless undertaking in this field, especially given your high level of predictability. Indeed, I built the Electro-Gravity Magnet with the payout.’
The words washed over Carlyle while he took stock of his options. Only one door, a few chairs, a table, an antique chandelier, and an oil painting of Scathelocke before he needed the eyepatch. Not much to work with.
Scathelocke poured himself another whisky and swirled it idly around the glass. ‘Have I ever regaled you with the fable of the serpent and the crow?’
‘Yes. Many, many times.’
‘And yet you have still failed to fully appreciate the allegory.’
‘It’s an allegory? I just assumed you were trying to sound clever.’
Scathelocke quirked an eyebrow. ‘Regardless. How frequently have we found ourselves in this identical scenario, you and I? No matter my flight of fancy, whether I’m breeding indestructible laser-sharks or attempting to mine out the earth’s core, the sequence of events defies alteration. You infiltrate my operations, I capture you, you abscond, everything explodes…
‘So, we’re going to dance a different dance. After you and I will share in one last repast together, I will proceed to dispose of you in the volcano. How does that sound?’
As if on cue, a hidden panel in the wall slid away. A suited attendant walked in and wordlessly placed a silver tray on the table.
‘Come, take a seat,’ Scathelocke cooed, picking Carlyle up from the floor with surprising ease for a man so thin, and dropped him onto one of the chairs.
‘I admit, I will experience a sense of loss in your absence,’ Scathelocke continued while arranging several baked goods on a plate and placing it before Carlyle. ‘I’ve always rather relished having a nemesis. It does so compel me to challenge myself.’
Carlyle studied the food in front of him while attempting to disguise how badly he was failing to untie the knots around his wrists. ‘Why am I afraid to eat this slice of cake?’
‘I harbour no intentions towards poisoning you. How gauche,’ Scathelocke said as he reached for a dainty hors d’oeuvre. ‘Although, if I were in your position, I’d accept the jeopardy of indulging in sweet temptation for a cost. The poison would doubtless be preferable to the magma.’
‘Aren’t you going to untie me?’
Scathelocke swallowed his mouthful and smiled. ‘Your endeavours are commendable but ineffective. Just do your best as you are. Returning to our previous discussion, I do hold a certain degree of admiration for you. In some capacity, our similarities outweigh our differ-’
He paused, one hand clutching at his throat. ‘How-’ he croaked before collapsing to the floor.
Carlyle took the opportunity to overturn the table, sending the food to the floor. He stamped on the slice of cake he’d been served, revealing the small knife concealed within.
‘You’re right; we aren’t so different. I, too, am fond of elaborate long-term plans,’ he said to the gasping Scathelocke while he cut himself free. ‘You had to replace most of your staff after last time, didn’t you? Let’s just say I managed to employ your chef before you did. Though, unlike you, I’m not above using poison.’
The hidden door opened with almost disappointing ease. A better man might stay to see Scathelocke die, but what was life without a little uncertainty? Plus, Carlyle had to think of his job security.
Besides, he had a large volcano base to destroy.
---
Original here.

I showed my landlord my ebike and he fell in love. I wrote him an email, which is essentially the post below, hoping to get him up to speed qucikly. Thought maybe my advice would help someone else:
​
My Ebike

• Trek Dual Sport 4
• Bafang BBS02 mid-drive 750w
• 48v 13ah Unit Power pack
• 500c controller head unit
• Tuned head unit (like usb cable)
• 45mm tubeless tires
• 63mm fork adjustable air ride
• Raceface pedals
• 50mm seat suspension post
• Trek metal fender (only rear)
• ORTLIEB Gravel-Pack duo
• Cygolights front and rear
• I should note that I used this bike because I got it for free

​
In essence, it's like a modern reinterpretation of a classic 1990s mountain bike with a more rider-friendly geometry. You can take it on some single-track bike trails, but don't expect it to hold up when things get super bumpy. It's not built for that downhill rush.
1000’s of options to choose from. You could go for an inexpensive front-wheel conversion, just switch out the front tire, or you could opt for a rear-wheel conversion. Then there's what you've already tried: a mid-drive. Each comes with its own pros and cons, but mid-drive is your best bet. It harnesses the bike's front chain ring, turning your 2x10 mountain bike into a 1x10.
There are loads of impressive ready-made ebikes. For around $2000, you can get your hands on a slick, well-integrated solution that can hit speeds between 20-28mph and may include a throttle. However, it might only have a 500w limit and if the manufacturer stops producing parts, well, you're in a bit of a pickle.
Making your own ebike is similar to the old school hotrod culture. You grab a powerful motor, fit it into a suitable body, and watch it zip faster than it was ever meant to. I've invested a lot of time fine-tuning my bike to suit my preferences. Though I sometimes wish I'd started with a more aggressive mountain bike rather than trying to upgrade to that standard.
My bike's journey to what it is now cost around $1200 for the bike, plus $800 for the motor and battery, and an additional $300 for labor. I'm pretty certain you could do this yourself, and of course, I'll lend you my special torque tools whenever you need. There's a huge online community backing this hobby.
You could get the guy to build you one too. Mailing bike costs like $50 (take it apart) each way. But I’d be shocked if Colorado didn’t have someone who could build one too. I’m not super handy and I was able to figure it out.
Nearly any bike can be converted. For instance, fat tire bikes can handle sand, mud, and snow! They're a bit heavy and need extra power, but they're great for off-roading. Or you could get an old 1970s road bike and push it to 50mph, hypothetically speaking. If you're in the market for a bike right now, I'd recommend a 5-10-year-old hardtail mountain bike that could cost you around $500. Look for disc brakes, a decent gear set, and ideally about 100mm or more of suspension. Also, ensure the bottom bracket (the part where the crank is) fits the motor. Most bikes should be okay, but I'd steer clear of 40-year-old Italian models.
If budget isn't a constraint, a full suspension bike could be the way to go. The crucial factor is the amount of space within the frame – you don't want the frame to crush the battery. Earlier 2000s full suspension bikes, with their expansive triangular frames and smaller travel, are a good choice.
Keep in mind that the 90lbs of torque from the motor can strain your bike pretty quickly. It's wise to start with quality parts, ensure easy part availability, and aim for a relatively new model for smoother rides. I would advise against low-end models from Mongoose, Schwinn, or Walmart as the motor can quickly wear out cheap components, and finding suitable replacement parts for these frames might prove tricky.
Now, think about your ride:

• Where do you see yourself riding?
• Will you be tearing downhill, dodging rocks and tree stumps?
• Do you see yourself conquering mountain passes?
• Or would you prefer leisurely park rides?
• Do you plan to use the bike for errands?
• Picking up a $300-500 bike may mean having to invest more once you realize certain parts are worn out, resulting in a less polished final product.
• If you go for an $800 entry-level mountain bike from brands like Cannondale or Trek, are you comfortable tearing apart a new bike?
• Adding up all costs, you'll probably be around $2000 deep, which is pretty close to the price of a decent ready-made ebike.
• Keep in mind that there's a slim chance of everything failing to work once assembled. If it's DIY, you're on your own.

That said, building your own ebike results in a more powerful, tailored product. I couldn't be happier with my build, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's all about making those tiny adjustments to perfect it. If you're into that, here's what I recommend: get the Bafang BBS02 like mine or perhaps the slightly more robust BBHD. It's roughly 30% more powerful and 50% pricier, but you'll need a more substantial battery to keep up. Be aware, the powerful version is slightly bigger, heavier, and could have fitment issues on certain bikes. There are other motors available, but in terms of value, Bafang takes the cake.
Investing in a good battery is crucial. A quality battery avoids voltage sag, ensuring steady power draw – mine is slightly undersized, and under heavy loads, the battery dips 10-20% then rebounds. This isn't ideal. I cannot overstate the joy of a suspension seat post. It's no full suspension substitute, but it negates about 80% of bumps.
If I had to pick a car that's similar to this ebike, I'd say it's maybe a Porsche Cayenne non-turbo. The bike started as maybe a Subaru Forester, but by changing out the fork, swapping for the suspension seat post, tubeless tires, and the Bafang USB cable tune, the whole ride greatly improved and felt much more refined. It's fairly quick and can hold a decent amount of accessories since it's more of a commuter touring bike with slightly more aggressive tires now. It's also mediocre off road, and being a Trek, it doesn't completely suck as a bike to start off with.
​
Would I choose the same bike if I did it all over again?
I keep asking myself that all the time. On one hand my bike is perfect for where I ride (gravel roads or state parks) while on the other I'd always want to ride a little more aggressive trails, but I know I shouldn't. I suppose I'd prefer a proper mountain bike with over 100mm of travel with bigger beefier tires - but again where would I really use this. My bike is objectively perfect for my needs. On some occasions I've noticed my shock bottoms out.... but that's because I was going too fast anyway and needed to slow down anyway. I'm fully aware that I don't need to go any faster or on any rougher terrain.
​
I've rambled on long enough. There are so many exciting options out there. The lowest you might find pre built is around $1000, but for a faster more fun model, you'd be looking in the $2000-$3000 range I'd guess. $4000+ is where you start being able to climb mountains and 6000+ is where you can basically jump off cliffs and the bike won't disintegrate from under you lol.

Back in the day creepypastas and creepypasta seeds in Minecraft used to be interesting filled with mysterious videos uploaded by unknown users that had questionable content but it was at least a little believable but nowadays it's all just obvious clickbaits like "OMG I FoUnD sIren Head in Minecraft!". I am looking for a seed with a not over the top lore that is somewhat believable at least a little or at least creepy. For example I already tried the most known cursed seeds like ( Orphanage, 666, jointhebrotherhood, 225989904858288547, donotsleep, Cross, The Caretaker, Bloody, #008000). These are all I know but I am curious if there are more of these. I really enjoy the so called "Source games" phenomenon of a feeling that you are being watched or something isn't right. I used to get the same feeling on the old versions of Minecraft where there wasn't much in the game. Like a mysterious feeling. That is the main reason I would like more of these seeds with mysterious/eerie lore that isn't overhyped and is actually kinda interesting. I am aware that these seeds are infact nothing more than just a seed and the creepypasta entities are fake but even then I still get a creepy feeling from these because of my experiences of playing Minecraft alone and I love it. So do you guys know some new these kinds of seeds or a story from "deeper" part of the internet ?

Apologies in advance if this turns into a book. I'm trying to organize my thoughts and I think there's a lot to process. If you get a little, or even all the way into this post and decide I'm a nutjob, no worries, I agree. This post an attempt to reach out and get objective feedback on my situation and maybe help me find a path forward. People try to paint themselves in a sympathetic light on these things or try to get people to respond in at way that confirms their own beliefs. I'm actively trying to avoid that, so this post may not paint me in the best light. If your objective feedback after reading this is that I'm an asshole and all of this is self inflicted, that at least gives me a starting point for improving things.
I (45m) am currently in my car driving around the US, mostly aimlessly, while I try to figure out what's next. I just went dark on my long time girlfriend (42f), family, and friends. Except for a laptop, camping gear, and car, I've left everything behind. I don't have a plan and haven't been able to come up with one as I can't seem to create a plan beyond more than 3 steps into the future. For now, it's mostly get food, get gas, find a safe place to sleep. I quit my job a couple of months ago because I just hit a point one day where I couldn't function and was too frustrated with my inability to progress, I didn't even give notice, I just stopped showing up. For context, this wasn't something like a mcdonalds job, it was a 200k+ career. I had people relying on me to deliver work and actually enjoyed my career for the most part, so walking away from it wasn't a trivial thing. I'm honestly not even sure at this point if I'd be able to restart my career *if* I do get my head straight again. So, that's the now-of-it, alone, adrift, and directionless.
I've been putting a lot of thought into how I reached this point. I believe it was a result of my relationships collapsing and general disillusionment with life.
I grew up poor in a single parent home, in and out of homelessness, with a lot of food insecurity. I used to think my mom did an ok job getting me to adulthood despite all that, but I've come to realize I came through with a lot of issues and baggage. As an example, I'm not what I would consider a good person. Lying, cheating, and stealing aren't moral issues for me, they're survival skills. If you've ever been hungry, truly hungry, you'll probably understand. I'm not proud of the skillset, and the more financially secure my life is the less I need to rely on it, but I think explaining my family life is key to understanding my current point in life. Another complication is that when I *try* to do the right thing it's sometimes to my own detriment. I'm a firm believer that your word is your bond. So when my mom told me at age 8 that I would one day buy her a house and fix all of her worries when I grew up, I became obligated to do so because I childishly agreed to the statement. In my mid-30s I bought her a house, had it completely renovated, and signed ownership over to her before the ink was dry. Despite having 1.2k a month in student loan debts, living with roommates to make ends meet, not being able to start a family of my own because I was barely over the poverty line (38k a year at that point), and... most importantly of all, knowing that she had zero financial responsibility and accountability on home ownership and that I'd probably be constantly bailing out that situation. I wasn't wrong, she nearly lost the house to the county for delinquent taxes the second year of ownership. I paid off the house and renovation expense so she only has to save ~$50 a month for taxes as her only expense on the house (utilities aside). I suspected the whole thing was a bad idea before I did it, but it's a part of my nature I'm constantly at odds with. If you have nothing because you're poor, your only offering of value is your word. Once I've been obligated to something I can't force myself to break the obligation, even if I know it'll be completely absurd. Another complication of the good deed (buying the house) is that my sisters and their children are constantly trying to gain ownership of it in one scheme after another. My family is not good with money, logic, or reality, so the idea of selling a 50k house with a $50 a month expense to move into a 150k house with a $1000 monthly payment appeals to them. I love my family and want to do right by them, but despite my efforts to improve it they are children. I spend a lot of time and money getting them out of self-created situations, and unfortunately they know and abuse the fact that if I say I'll do something it gets done. I constantly stress over being unemployed because *they* might need something. Oh, one last thing on the family life. I used to reach out to them to find out how they were doing and what was new, but over the past few years I've come to realize that was one-sided. *If* I get a phone call, email, or message it always means they want or need something. Usually it's for an overdue bill, to get a utility turned back on, lapsed taxes, or bail. About once every three months my mom sends me realtor listings for million dollar homes that she'd prefer to live in because the house I bought her didn't check all of the boxes she had in her head and I therefore haven't really met my obligation on it or something. Never "hey, how are you?", "what's new?", etc. They have absolutely no idea what's going on in my life, or me, and don't seem overly eager to find out. They don't even know when my birthday is, and only got a vague idea of what quarter of the year it falls in when I stopped sending them yearly gifts a couple of years ago. I told them about six months ago around Christmas that I was struggling, really told them and was very candid about being depressed but I didn't tell them any sources of my stress other than work. I try not burden people with my problems but it was a particularly painful low point for me and a bit of a last resort. I haven't been contacted by them since that trip: I avoid thinking about this too much.
I've a few friendships, mostly online, I established decades ago but some in person as well. These all got strained during the pandemic as I grew bored with an online presence and wanted something more tangible, while my offline friendships were out of reach due to isolation. As I tried to branch out and try different activities, sometimes even different but similar games, I discovered a resistance of my friends to try new things unless it was strictly on their terms. When I realized this I dug a little deeper and realized it wasn't just the games themselves, but even during day to day they only wanted to do activities that they chose, immediately shutting down anything not originating with them. I consider myself a pretty easy going person and not overly demanding. I've come to realize my attitude towards life may have created a situation where I'm surrounded by people that are only interested in being my friend because they always get their way. I started testing this by trying to get some of them to do activities that I was certain they would like, even if I didn't, just to see if they'd partake. Time after time they refused to even entertain the suggestion, and yet I have several examples where the same activity was suggested at different times on their terms, sometimes vehemently, and they considered it the best thing since sliced bread. I spent a few years dissecting these relationships and I can now state with certainty that these relationships are just very one sided. It's made me conclude that I am the one seeking out these types of relationships. Something in me is causing me to surround myself with self absorbed people.
Lastly, my girlfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for a little over ten years. I don't know if we have a good relationship or if it's just another problematic relationship. At this point, I'm questioning everything I know about myself and the people around me, so I don't actually trust my own judgement. The first few years of our relationship were good, but with mixed long distance as I had to move away for work but we kept it going. I eventually moved back to her city and we discussed living together. I told her my only reservation was a previous experience living with someone. Shortly after moving in with an ex the ex quit her job, kicked up her feet, and seemed to settle into domestic life. The ex didn't really discuss any of this, just kind of decided on her own one day, and it ultimately led to us splitting. The current girlfriend told me many times that I was projecting insecurities on her and she wasn't like that. This was about three years into the relationship. She swayed my fears and I moved in with her. Two months into living together her dad gets sick and she quits her job to become his caretaker. That lasted another two years before he passed away and I took over all the bills to help out during that time. We then discussed buying a home and moving since I could get approved for the mortgage and she had enough money for a down payment as she'd gotten a little inheritance. I was hesitant to buy more than we needed in a house but she wanted more and swayed my concerns by telling me when she got a job we'd have an additional chunk of money to handle it all, so we got a larger house. That never materialized. In the years we lived in the house she would take short-term jobs and probably only worked for about three months in the whole time. She ultimately decided to return to college to get a second degree. I told her I would support that, but she had to get a degree that she could actually use to get a job since she considered her first degree to be useless. She *assured* me that she could get a job with it no problem, so I supported her. She graduated during covid with a bachelor's in speech pathology and told me that she wouldn't be able to find a job immediately due to working from home and needing lab hours. This over the course of a year or two evolved into other reasons eventually landing on she would need to get a master's degree in speech pathology to ultimately get a job. Since she still didn't have a job I insisted we sell the house that I was drowning in. We did and moved into a rental. While living there she held down a job for around four months before quitting as she didn't enjoy it. At some point she made a comment about being fortunate enough to pick and choose the work she did, it still stings to think about having that conversation as I was around 8 years into a job that I absolutely detested but stuck with for stablity.
That's probably my second biggest issue with her. I wanted to start a family, she wants kids too. Honestly, having kids in this world we live in scares the hell out of me and I'm not certain it's fair to the kid. In order to overcome my own issues (see above) I need to be certain my kids have the best start in life they can have. That means not being raised in a family living paycheck to paycheck. They'd have enough to deal with with the world exploding, being concerned about the next meal shouldn't be a thing. So for me, I needed us to be financially secure for that step. We never got there. She doesn't understand the value in keeping commitments like I do, especially when the promise of something down the line is your only bargaining power, but maybe that's just me holding her to a standard for something I've acknowledged is a personal problem. The biggest issue I have is that she's super conflict avoidant. I can't have important conversations with her that may create discord. Anytime we have a conversation that causes discomfort (even slight) she shuts down and won't talk, generally she'll just walk out of the room. Upside?, we never argue. Downsides? I have to guess as to her wants and needs, or get blasted with an encyclopedia of information when it's clear I'm considering ending the relationship, it's almost like a trump card now. I get frustrated and try to make a plan for the future and suddenly get inundated with hopes/dreams/fears I'd suspected existed but never had any real confirmation. Unfortunately at this point it may just be too late of a revelation for me? Once you past a certain point of frustration, the original reason stops mattering as much. This has been particularly pertinent for me over the past couple of years. I got depressed, [I deleted this section going into too much detail about my depression] so I had a conversation with my girlfriend. It just seemed to make her uncomfortable and seemed pointless, so I've never brought it up again. It made me understand how all those husbands and fathers off themselves and their families seem completely oblivious there was ever an issue.
I try to think about this objectively and put myself outside of my own perspective, but it's hard to know if I'm reaching valid conclusions or just have a skewed perception of reality. I mean, people like good people right? So if I was a good person, I would have people to talk this over with instead of posting to the interwebz. So that strongly suggests I'm not a great person. The evidence kind of supports this with my family's lack of contact after broaching the subject with them and there were some attempts on my part with friends, same result. I also once asked my girlfriend if I ever inspired her to be a better person. She laughed and definitively stated no. It was discouraging. I felt I genuinely supported her getting her degree and finding a career she was happy with. I didn't put time limits on it and never questioned her about finding work. I also tried encouraging her to pursue her other interests that may or may not have mattered monetarily. I hoped for better things, but I can only conclude she took any attempts I made as criticism instead. I'm probably rambling gibberish at this point.
Anyway, I'm trying something different now. For most of my life I've focused on what other people want: job, family, friends, girlfriend. At this point I don't actually know what I want vs. goals I've adopted from other people's agendas. I've pretty firmly decided to separate myself from the people currently in it. I've going back and forth over events of the past several years and I just can't objectively conclude they want me in their lives in a meaningful non-transactional relationship.
A. Buy a house in the woods and try living by myself - I'm not really rich at this point but I can afford to buy a small homestead and live independently for the rest of my life. I am very comfortable in my own company and just haven't had good luck with people in general. I could see this giving me time to explore myself a bit more and maybe approach the world on my own terms in the future.
B. Move to another country - This may sound like running away, but I think there's a bit of value in having the option for unconventional relationships. I'm not really sure what kind of relationships I can maintain at this point. I've lost trust in people in general. It would force me to approach interactions with people in a more elementary way, which I think I could benefit from. Any weirdness in my interactions would hopefully be written off as "he's just that weird American". I suspect people are a little more willing to be patient with "foreign friends". This option gets bonus points for not running the risk of getting shot up if I decide to check out the local mall.
C. Walk about - Travel a bit, stop and explore, work through internal conflict. Keep moving until something clicks in place. I'm kind of already doing this and it's not mutually exclusive to the other items on this list.
D. Check myself into a nut house - I had a friend struggle with his mental health in my twenties and I watched him go into facility after facility to no avail. I've also seen the studies where perfectly healthy people check themselves into facilities without ever reaching the point they were "qualified" to be released. So I am skeptical there is permanent help here. However, I am also aware that my self assessment ability atm may be compromised so am open to the idea of an alternative path.
Yeah, that was a book of text.

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